Monday, March 16, 2015 1:50 PM
It's all in my mind.
The beauty of falling leaves.
Wherein lay the beauty?
Was it not to the practical mind that was a tragedy- with the drying of the leaves its death; with its flitter merely an imminent meeting with the ground, painfully irreversible.
To be crushed underfoot and forgotten.
And yet that beauty.
It really could not be negated, could it?
Its beauty as it cascades down, with a gentle flutter from the wind.
The beauty, as they fall in harmony, yet all on their own.
Was that not a beautiful, inevitable echo of life's very end?
In birth and in death, people draw not parallels to fireworks.
Neither life nor death have that quality.
They are merely another step in life; one that pales to moments of ecstasy, one that pales to bouts of depression and disappointed hopes.
Yet in its transience it remains beautiful, soothing, inevitable.
Disappointments ring with the echo of expectations, understanding-
Of one's secretively hidden hopes,
Of one's relative capability,
And of inevitability.
I can do nothing besides wait and watch as it all falls down.
I will do nothing besides hope, and watch as the last semblance of familiarity disappears in smoke.
At the end, may that I can smile for your smiles.
Labels: Vague Ponderings
Tuesday, January 20, 2015 8:49 AM
It's all in my mind.
19 January, Monday.
The trees of campus green. Are they indicative of all trees? Wondering that I've never wondered about it before. It started straight up, heading for the sky, stretching its desperate yet calm reach to grasp at the flakes of sun, warmth, and brightness. It started straight up- and yet time throws it off its desired path, as though its only sport was to undo all that, finding amusement in the way it struggles to stay upright. As though gravity finally rebelled against being ignored. They got their way, certainly they did. As they grow. The trees no longer seek the skies as their first and only end; they become relegated to the realm of horizontal growth. There is still a beauty in which its reach stretches, carelessly outward.
Is it bitter? The feeling of thwarted time and again, before giving up its struggles to yield?
Is it longing? The insatiable need to join its fingers with the rest of the trees, transforming into a collaborative network that sings its green.
Is it self sacrifice? The recognition of that which they want to protect, over their own ambitions.
Or is it all a mere dream? The dream of green. The dream that green holds more meaning as it does, existing.
I could cry from its beauty. The way the green turns solid and rigid with the oncoming dark clouds. The way the green is almost weightless, translucent and glowing as it frames the glow of the sky, in beautiful, random, dancing forms. As the tree stands with all its might, does it know likewise its power, its draw? Those glorious, glorious green. Those endearing, hypnotizing movements of light. Does it know with hiw much raw.emotions I sought it with, and was calmed by basking in its shade?
With what had I come to resolve in the embrace of nature?
My faults, my flaws, my choices, my paths. I know you can't answer, I know it out of your realm of responsibility. Perhaps I will always only be able to use this as a hideout.
The emotions rolled in like a storm- and yet had nno basis for it. With the last shreds of rationality I at least know that bitter tasting sense of identification as the music from Zefrank's social experiment spoke to the depths of my soul: that I'm not alone. That I'm walking on a similar road as a couple others, everywhere, somewhere else in this heart-wrenching dark world. I am not alone.
No basis for it. No objective truth. The sole subjective reality so tainted, yet so powerfully real.
The urge to stab myself, draw the sharp metal across my skin to feel the loss of control, overwhelming sharpness of awareness so quickly jumping in. Emotions so irrational and nerve-wreckingly real.
Seeing things in the nothingness of black irises, seeing words in silence, filled and measured.
The aall-or-nothing sentiment threatening to seize my consciousness.
What AM I doing with my life?
I'm seized by an urge to run from my incompetency. Run. Run. Run. And never look back- move toofar for wild thoughts of saving, liberation, freedom into either the loneliness of eternal black or a sun that never sets.
There will be consequences. Indeed, I already feel it- the prediction of what happens when there is no trade, nothing to offer the other party.
On the verge of collision with an iceberg in a one-man ship.
Does one jump, or continue ploughing on?
Does one close her eyes to savour the last of audible thought, or burn that with opened eyes and slowed moments?
Labels: Deep Emotions, Vague Ponderings
Tuesday, December 2, 2014 11:08 AM
It's all in my mind.
It must be a fascinating experience learning about ourselves... Through the lenses of someone whom we are close to, through the lenses of someone we know only briefly, and those whom we don't know at all. Through words written by a stranger, for strangers, yet they resonate in varying degrees for people.
And learning about ourselves, from hearing the validity of our thoughts. Strange and fascinating- yet with the huge propensity to disturb. Suddenly we can learn that we don't know ourselves. Coming to an understanding of our behaviour or significance of our thoughts almost seem to have an irreversible effect-
At times more poignant than what others may say too, because while we can deny those charges on the basis that they don't know everything about us, we can't consciously deny the charges against ourselves without sometimes being also conscious of the feeling of denial.
Where is the middle ground?
With all inferences there is potential for a conclusion to be drawn. With all conclusions there is a degree of significance staring right in our faces, both for the conclusion and the person who drew the conclusion.
When there are inferences to interpret in literature a mere discussion will start getting the gears in our minds churning for a better understanding of the conclusion.
When there are inferences in life, it's hard to just ask. When there are conclusions drawn it's hard to just share them.
Particularly for all those thoughts trapped in my head... It would be infinitely easier to hide them all. What business have they to see light of day?
In the end will we know anyone well enough to correctly interpret their words? Will we know anyone well enough to appreciate the non obvious intent?
I can't even get myself after 19 years. How will I have a hope to comprehend anyone sufficiently then?
Labels: Vague Ponderings
Thursday, November 6, 2014 4:54 PM
It's all in my mind.
I wonder if the rain will ever feel miserable or disgruntled that it will never have the same effect as the sun. When the rain dances with the wind, its chilling embrace will at best give us a degree of resonance, not comfort.
Some things will never be able to replace others.
We simply have to get used to it, and appreciate them for what they do give to us.
Solace? A sense of solace because the rain contains so much more emotions than light and warmth could.
Nothing is replaceable. It gives too little credence to the transient nature of life and the irreplaceable nature of experience.
Labels: Vague Ponderings
Sunday, September 28, 2014 9:28 PM
It's all in my mind.
Held paralysed as the hisses send signals of its coming.
Standing immobile as the larva creeps closer, making the air shiver and crackle under the power of its presence.
Instincts urge me to run, but my feet are rooted like lead.
With morbid fascination I will watch as the liquid fire trails onto my feet.
With the only display of willpower my voiceless scream as it devours.
Run, or succumb, the earth shouted over the cloud of my mind.
Run or die, said the sizzle of the perished.
And what if I have already died?
Died inside, without anyone noticing- the molten matter merely doing a favour in doing a thorough reflection of my lifelessness?
What will I be left with if there's nothing to fight for?
Labels: Vague Ponderings
Wednesday, January 15, 2014 1:36 AM
It's all in my mind.
I found this in my drafts.
It was incomplete, for I hadn't went on to think about the second half of the MV.
There was something then that kept me from thinking so much. I had then satisfied myself by being hooked on the songs... Only to have the songs fall under a long term ban afterwards.
But those associations have lost their impact on me. They are now but songs which echo through another life...
Regardless, I leave the post as it was, half-done.
My editing now would only destroy the time capsule, made of a girl, two years ago...
The MV stayed in my head longer than I expected, as did the songs.
How would it feel, to pull the trigger on an unarmed father?
How would it feel, to stare down at the crying girl, to see her clutch the bleeding man, the only pillar in her life?
The guilt- wouldn't it consume you? The despair.
You take in the girl, you hone her, you groom her to be your partner. You leave your colleagues.
But every day when you see her eyes, do you see your duty or a vibrant young woman? Do you see the man you killed? Do you see the gang you were sent to track down?
What do you see her as?
Your silence... Your lack of words make you seem almost cold, uncaring, unyielding.
Your silence guards your secrets, guards your guilt. Does it guard your heart?
What were your considerations when you rejected that mission?
Probably not fear of vengeance from the thugs ten years past- the thrill of hunting and being hunted you must have long accustomed yourself to. When you pulled the trigger! Perhaps you'd even considered giving your life to swap positions.
So is it guilt? Is it because the mere visage of the guy reminds you of that deed? Or were you trying to protect her? That man, an associate of her father- it'd be dramatic irony to let her apprehend him. Did you see some sort of justice, to let him be a task undertaken by others?
Awoken by dreams which have haunted you a decade. To have her come to you, expressing exactly what you fear. That one thing you'd never be able to promise her. To know that you are the one whom she seeks!
If you'd learnt to love her, how that would tear you to pieces! How you'd need to reign in your heart, your actions. How those words would tear you to pieces, how your inaction has potential to disappoint...
When you rushed over, fearing her safety. Genuinely.
When you see the barrel of the gun pointed in your face... Your life, in the hands of she who has the full right to pull the trigger on you. Is there acceptance of your fate, or the twang of betrayal? Or... relief? For you are finally... free. To see her cry... again. Would death be a relief?
She shoots the thug who'd kill you with glee. Hope returns. The loosening of the crushing sensation on your chest- then your body falling into the familiar movement of fighting. The binds that held you inert as she pointed the gun at you... Overwhelmed by a critical need to save your partner, to leave, both of you, safe.
All else can wait.
Your bond of ten years had prevailed over the pain of your debt... One that you would be forever paying for. But behind the stormy clouds, the merest gleam of the sun creeps through.
Momentary warmth.
Then the acid that burns a hole through your body...
Physical problems keeping you helpless from retaining she who is dragged away.
Right out of your life.
As if life is mocking you. Proving you correct- that you have no right to protect her.
Your resistance to being resuscitated makes sense.
What have you to live for? The man you trusted with your life-
... The being I never will become again.
Labels: Vague Ponderings
Tuesday, January 14, 2014 6:09 PM
It's all in my mind.
11 January- the first night of squad chalet.
Bright lights in the dark sky, a mere few.
So much for having come out for stargazing- it was a cloudy night.
Perhaps when we head out seeking something, we are destined to look them over in our rush. Perhaps there's truth in being blinded by our goals.
As we watched, the stars peeped out from behind the clouds.
Suddenly it was as if we were watching the universe expand before us.
The stars previously hidden to our inexperienced eyes were cast across the canvas of a sky.
Perhaps what we seek wait simply for us to notice their presence. Perhaps they simply wait for us to be in a proper state to receive them at their best.
So much so that we began to scrutinise.
So much so that we tried to differentiate which were the satellites, and which were the actual stars.
'Stars don't blink.'
Yes, I suppose they would shine resolutely, steadily, confident.
But would we really know? What a pity, that the stars would have to compete with imitations that shine brighter than themselves. Would we ever be able to pick them out correctly? Would they want to be picked out? Or would they be okay being just another piece of puzzle that completed the beauty of the sky?
The clouds came in once more, smothering the stars.
I wonder if they were protecting them from our critical eyes.
Yet with some clouds, the moon's glow became so beautiful. The rainbow that formed from its light brought out its magnificence better than when it was free.
Perhaps this is what they say, that there is strength in adversary, and things to be gained from the things that come your way.
The incoming clouds finally proved too much, and it disappears.
Only, the next glimpse of the moon was as it set... into the embrace of the trees.
Just perhaps beauty cannot be confined... and after it had its turn, it disappears.
Labels: Vague Ponderings
Wednesday, September 4, 2013 1:43 PM
It's all in my mind.
Fire. Ribbons of light and heat doesnt even begin to describe it accurately.
Those roaring flames that threw towards the dark sky the charred remains of what it was feeding off- there was some kind of awe in watching it, yet some kind of sinister lay in its brightness.
Like a fluid mountain, stretching towards the freedom of the sky. Ever reaching, yet ever failing.
Its light lights up the path it stretched, its smoke trails up to disappear.
I wonder if its destructive power is a manifestation of its continual anger at the futility of its pursuit...
Burning everything in its path down or burning itself to nothingness?
Labels: Vague Ponderings
Saturday, August 18, 2012 12:57 AM
It's all in my mind.
Do you notice?
The sky's tears are actually silent. The pitter-patter occurs when there's a ground to receive them,
A surface to catch them.
The howling of the rain is but a prelude,
Or the constant symptom of sorrow that you miss.
Just as a person's aura, it stays for the duration of the gloom.
Just as how you mayn't notice the rain if not for the roar of the storm.
Just as how the rain may fade into the background, unless it was pelting down on you, someone's sorrow may not register unless they lie in your path.
Tonight... We are young
So let's set the world on fire
We can burn brighter than the sun
In the backdrop of the rain, the thrill of cold got to me.
I wonder how it'd be if there was no ground to meet the tears.
How does it feel, the heavy drops swallowed by the ocean?
The ocean, which can claim so much more in that body of fluid.
Will the tears become insignificant?
Can tears ever be insignificant?
I hope you know I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
The rain has the ground, the ocean.
No one is obligated to receive our tears.
Isn't that why there's the expression of crying blood? When the stream of our eyes dry out,
From neglect or isolation of the soul...
And the soul cries red.
Labels: Vague Ponderings
Saturday, May 26, 2012 9:58 AM
It's all in my mind.
The moon's light diminished by the clouds. Colourless, wispy things... Yet they have such a profound impact on the glow, the light...
The moon, such a big entity... Versus something comparatively ineffectual and momentary.
What is it preventing your glow?
Gradually, gradually, gradually.
The merest gleam of light stays.
Do we celebrate the success of the cloud, or mourn the dying light of the moon?
Tide artificial lights of the cement building vie with you for the reign of light in the darkness. Whose glow do people seek more? Which glow gives solace? Have you been replaced by the brain child of mere humans? What is this achievement, over the creation of the universe?
Perhaps my thoughts have wandered far enough.
The moon will rise from its shadow again. If not in this night, in the others. If not here, somewhere else on earth.
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Labels: Vague Ponderings
Saturday, February 18, 2012 12:00 PM
It's all in my mind.
狗狗刚才一直在闹。
又是因为要下雨了吗？
……抖得这么厉害。
只是要下雨罢了，你怕到这样？
想到这里时，我发现这很不公平。对它，下雨可能是天大的事，超级恐怖的。
我们自己觉得恐怖的东西，人家也不一定了解。对人家而言，可能根本不值得担心。
可人家觉得没必要担心完全不会把那窒息的恐惧减少啊。
不了解，但是人家是否会陪着你，试着减少你 ‘莫名其妙’ 的害怕？
不了解，所以把耳朵封起来的有几个？
即使安慰不到，尽力的会是谁？
……开始下雨了。
细雨，下得挺好看的。凉风，不至于让人不舒服……
……还看到你时不时的颤抖，但似乎没有刚才的不安了。
Labels: Vague Ponderings
Sunday, November 13, 2011 3:09 PM
It's all in my mind.
There was that time I went to Junction 8 with my dad.
We passed an uncle, then both men stopped.
"Look familiar right?" the uncle said, addressing my dad.
"Yes- was it in the army?"
"Hmm ya possible. xxx?"
"Uh, no. I was from xxxxx."
"Oh then maybe from work luh."
"Yeah maybe. Take care!"
...
They parted ways not remembering where they knew each other.
My dad still didn't recall who that uncle was.
Somehow, when I watched the two of them at it, it wasn't funny. My dad didn't find it funny.
This is only slightly better than 擦肩而过。
As we move on, we meet more people and make more acquaintances, more friends.
Will we leave the same number of people behind?
Those who enter our lives- will they just fade away with time?
Those who enter our hearts- will they stay there?
... when memories do not suffice, when memories don't serve...
We are all at the mercy of time, aren't we?
Labels: Vague Ponderings
Thursday, May 26, 2011 10:38 PM
It's all in my mind.
I don't really know how to comfort her, she being such a different person from me.
I wonder whether I used to be as... expressive as she. As open as she.
I decide that I have never been.
Not even at the beginning- though emotional too, but I didn't tell him until... A year or so later.
I think about recent times...
And still no.
Although with my crazy emotional outbursts in year one and two, it wasn't... in that direction.
Aggressiveness was my nature then.
Now... mainly pride, I guess.
Regarding that aspect... (I shudder to say the four lettered word)
To quote her, I am suppressing myself.
But I honestly don't see what's wrong with that.
I have learnt never to expect anything anymore.
It's a gradual buildup since primary school,
since every time I have expectations, it stabs me when it crashes,
and it almost always crashes.
How do I phrase it.
I don't give in to my feelings. I try to make sure that mind over... heart.
Of course, my feelings may drive me to take stupid actions,
but it doesn't go that bad.
I mean, it's all in my head.
All confined within my head.
And with time, I will realise what a fool I was from the very beginning.
Or maybe, just manage to convince myself what a fool I was for thinking that way.
I am good at convincing myself, I think.
Because whatever actions are thrown in my face, I can disregard it.
It is probably, most definitely, a figment of my imagination.
Only words can have a survival chance,
and yet, I can question (reasonably) whether there is any real feelings behind those words,
if you actually weighed it as I.
In the end, I would have just made my stand more obvious.
She who is so vastly different from me, I cannot comfort.
She is so intricately connected to her emotions, so many reactions are ruled by them.
I fancy myself more disconnected with mine;
I don't expect anymore, I don't infer anymore, I don't believe anymore,
and my smile is used more to satisfy the audience rather than a reflection of my own feelings.
I think.
Hers are lightyears away from mine.
So my eyebrows naturally want to shoot up when I see how much she banked on the guy's response.
Such high expectations.
It is almost like her emotions drive her to run up a tower, up to the highest level.
Then, from there, she discovers no one.
She waits, and no one seeks.
More time passes, and the particular person does not turn up.
Like a bungee jumper, she falls-
the recoil, whatever you call it, is a long way to go.
So meanwhile, she just continues plunging...
That's how emotions have an effect on you.
I have fallen before- the rope just snapped from my weight.
Somehow, I live still.
And since then, I never reach the top anymore.
Caught up in myself, I will wander up the stairs.
Less than halfway up, I will cringe at the idea of retracing my footsteps,
and wander back down.
For I don't believe my eyes anymore.
I don't believe my ears anymore.
I don't believe the touch on my skin,
Much less trust my brain.
Call it self preservation. ^^
Labels: Vague Ponderings
Wednesday, April 6, 2011 5:59 PM
It's all in my mind.
Sometimes, the situation does not allow for you to learn from your mistakes.
You live with the knowledge and regret for the rest of your life.
To all who may walk the path I did... Make sure you don't do what you will be regretful about when your time comes. I know now that impulse is no excuse, emotions are no redemption... You live with it, and even if no one haunts you about it, you will haunt yourself.
Had pepper lunch with Madeleine and Shou Fong today, and we talked.
A lot of things thrown into the conversation, a lot of points to ponder.
The past, the present, the future.
Different emotions, different thoughts, different worries. Differing levels.
But there are things in common, some things that even now, we still look back on.
I can't say that my memory serves.
Apparently, theirs do time justice.
Still, those emotions that I felt before come back. Because those episodes did happen.
So what if it wasn't in my conscious mind? I felt it, and if it happened one more time, I'd feel the same way.
Brief smiles. Indignant hearts.
Impressions that refuse to fade,
Regretful minds that time did not solace.
According to what we talked about, and if past is anything to learn from,
we are heading towards another step that may tarnish our memories.
Because not every one thinks the same, not every one will be happy.
But even if I say that, that time... it was not good enough, my dear--. It was not good enough at all. Make that mistake once again later, you will really add a big blot our memory. Try your best this time- seriously put some thought into it for a change.
Our issues are the same, but different.
Our impressions change over time, but some still stay in us, returning when the past is repeated.
We have moved on, but we are also in that time.
I recall with cold skepticism of a journal entry I did long time back. 2009.
I look at it again... I shake my head for not being able to have written a deeper evaluation, and more evaluations.
So now that I look back at it, I can evaluate how much those impressions have changed. Or not changed. Ugh.
After all, this is the only context where we can chart our change through the many years. I didn't make a good enough use of that.
Oh, and the million dollar question: had she not left, where would she be in that --? What would her place be?
How different would the outcome be, how different would our feelings be?
For sometimes, it does not matter the end point, but the people involved... Their feelings, memories and emotions are those that count.
In the end, it is that which give colour to our memory.
Okay, the following are snippets of thoughts from yesterday. Wasn't able to go online yesterday, so yeah. Leave two lines: different issues.
I'd fully deserve being called pigheaded or stubborn. But no. All the offers made... No. Don't ask me to reason, for I can't find a proper word for it.
Just... my entire personality cries out "No".
My issue, I make up for it myself. No shortcuts.
But I appreciate it all, squadmates.
Thank you.
What a way to do things. I'm a coward, truly. But if it's to prevent my mind from going where it shouldn't... ^^
For your face is a blank sheet of paper.
This is the first time I realise myself in danger of losing NCO image.
I was overboard today, I realise. And I am very horrified to realise that. I feel guilty for noticing the reason only after it all.
Shit. Damn myself.
Okay, I shall find excuses for myself. That this is what is required when I am teaching CD. Engaging the cadets, making it more interesting.
But still, it does not give me the excuse to be so out of character, so informal, so... I dunno, high? It was out of place, overboard. As IC, it's even worse.
Even worse when I realise that I am glad seeing them smile.
Sounds twisted? I feel worse- because of all it implies on me, and taking them.
I must not repeat this.
Obviously it was a bad idea telling them then, I have to apologise.
The sec1s concept of ROD is only that OMG, have to give presents to all 32 NCOs??
My fault again, partially, since I did not forcefully reign in the expression on my face.
I wonder if they will feel anything at the end...
If I will feel anything at the end.
Will they be happy we are gone? Will they like the next batch more? Will the memories of us fade away?
... I can answer that.
Yes, they will still be able to smile when we are gone.
Yes, they will probably build a more lasting memory/relationship with their next batch of NCOs.
Yes, their memories will fade with time, there is no helping it.
I grimace thinking of that, but no matter.
I will never cry over the sec1s again. ITC was enough. There. Would. Be. No. Need. To.
Hopefully by ROD, we look back and say that's the best we could do,
we are leaving them in good hands.
That's all we can do, in the end.
That's all there is.
Labels: Deep Emotions, Hotshots♥ /RVNP, Vague Ponderings
Sunday, April 3, 2011 10:32 PM
It's all in my mind.
This pic is of my sister and I in a night market in Krabi, Thailand, last Dec.
Gosh, I look chubby.
Whoever has the guts to ask which of the two I am, get ready to have something thrown at you.
I am not impressed.
Just why does everyone think that I am the younger sister? Seriously. I am 3 years older than Peh Yee!! -__-
Both Si Min and En Qi said that my sis looked more mature than I. (not in ref to this pic)
Yesterday, my paternal relatives kept commenting on how lanky my sister was, even taller than I now. But it's the truth, so fine.
It just got a little annoying when she was so pleased with the fact that I was so significantly shorter than her now. Guess I shouldn't have encouraged her to enter volleyball- with all that jumping, she can only grow faster.
Still, today's was a bit overboard. We were at our cousin's grandma's place (not our grandma, mind)
Mega issue number 1: Apparently, my mother had introduced my sister to this distant relation, as the younger one. She asked to be introduced to the elder one, and when my mother gestured to me, she took a long while to absorb the fact that I was, indeed, the child that my mother was referring to. -__-
Mega issue number 2: We were almost home when we met a neighbour, who instantly commented to my mother on how much we'd grown, and asked our ages. My mum said that one was in sec 4, one in sec 1. My sister immediately piped up asking him to guess who was sec 4.
And... he picked wrongly. -____-
Worse, this is only the mega issues I had. The minor hinting and upraised eyes as well huh...
Whaaaaat luh, seriously. Me, they rather guess me to be sec 1, convinced so much that my sister is sec 4. I don't get it!! Is it her poise? Or my lack of dress style? The way she speaks? ...
Geez...
Okay, side note. When I put two line spacings between my paragraphs, they are two separate issues that I am blogging about. Please don't ask me why they have no link... They weren't meant to be. One line spacing, it would be regarding the same topic.
Life, hope, dreams.
That's all the authors' work surrounds. That's all that make up their stories, a reflection of themselves or people they know. Or a hope for themsleves... or a dream... that will never happen.
The characters... They live through either what the author has. Or what the author will never go through. Knowingly or not... The authors leave parts of themselves in the characters.
Fear arises from either the unknown or the remnants of a nasty experience.
Hate exists because there was once love and trust, but they were sorely misplaced.
Dislike of people and things is because they embody things that we disapprove of, that we don't want to be reminded of, or because they are fundamentally different and have differing values.
Appreciation comes about because the rationale behind your actions are felt, the emotions you put in are received.
Labels: Vague Ponderings
Monday, March 28, 2011 10:48 PM
It's all in my mind.
The story with the nails and the wall.
The one whereby a boy hammers in a nail whenever he's angry and removes one when he's over it...
I finally realise that it's true. All of it.
The irreversible actions.
The lasting scars.
The permanent effects.
The unchanging pain.
Worse, do you realise that the wall is mute? It silently flashes the torns in itself, the holes created in it a silent testament of what it has to undergo.
It haunts nothing but your conscience.
It does nothing in retaliation, though it is in full right to.
Cannot, or will not?
Yet the boy still continues hammering, the whack against the metallic nail and cement wall resonating.
The resonance means nothing to the child, for the outcry of his emotions outweigh it. The surges of anger, bursting forth from a dam- nothing else matters then.
Perhaps a grim sense of satisfaction also, at the end of his work.
Later, he needs to pull the nails out, but the wall wears it almost like a battle scar. Or it shies away from the child, an invisible barrier to keep itself safe. And the boy safe. Maybe the wall knows that the boy would regret.
Yet the strengths is in the child, he calls the shots. Long times it takes, for the nails to come out.
But the marks of violence remain.
It gets harder for the child to pull them out. Is the drain of energy from exertion, one that was missed by the superior emotions? Perhaps... it was added on to a growing discomfort, getting affected by the dark holes in the white wall.
In the end, he accomplishes his task, and learns a life lesson. No harm done, since the wall is an inanimate object.
But for me, now what?
Now what? When whatever I try to say will not get in? When I don't know how to pull out the nails and despair at the scars?
I am alone.
The boy in the story had a wise person alongside him to impart values and teachings. He can't stray much.
But I work alone.
My fault, and I blame myself.
Solidarity.
I am in a bubble, a shell, as are you. But distance just serves to add hurt I give myself.
I am in a stage whereby no one can help me salvage my situation with you. No one.
I don't know how. I can't work with such emotion on your part.
Hate me. I'd deal with it better. Openly detest me, like I deserve. Just don't direct it to yourself. You have done too much to direct more at yourself... my wall.
Labels: Deep Emotions, Hotshots♥ /RVNP, Vague Ponderings
Saturday, March 26, 2011 9:46 PM
It's all in my mind.
HRC... was tedious. But a nice experience...
... Watching the guys breeze through the stations, pressurizing and encouraging squadmates, treking there and back, getting baked in the sun...
Though like what Foong Hui mentioned, this is another step towards the ROD (or, quote, ORD) looming in the background.
But damn, why did my camera run out of batt!! T_T Gr...
and omg I can count about 10 spots of bruises on my legs on top of my sore arms and 'skinned' fingers. 0_0
You emo-ed. I wondered what set it off.
If it was something we were in a position to see, or if it was just the heat getting to you...
You and her both...
I tried to act cheery, and got quite annoying asking you two to not emo I guess.
But on the trek back, I got sufficient time to get my mood into position.
Emo-ness.
Roundabout thoughts, a sigh.
My mind wandering far without my reigning in.
In the end...
But at the end of the day, to quote Amanda, 有收获。HRC, squadmates, dinner... Hm.
I will be uploading my incomplete collection (i.e. my photos are not comprehensive) of the HRC photos on facebook. ITC ones... I may choose some to feature on squad blog.
Cause many in the ITC collection is of the cadets... And I think that that itself reflects a failure on my part.
I remember that I asked Peihao what his definition of friends were before, and after he asked me the same question and I actually gave him one, he commented that I actually had definitions for everything ah.
Perhaps. Then, let me explain my sms smileys.
=D would be a smile showing my teeth, on purpose. Uh duh, I guess it is understood. But it not necessarily would be of ultimate joy, no. Could be, but not necessarily.
=) would be when I smile, or grin. If I laughed at your sms, I may put this smiley. If I am smiling truly at what you wrote, I'd put that as well. Honest smile.
^^ would be quite subjective. Either it is a half-hearted grin... or a grimace.
Labels: Vague Ponderings
Friday, March 25, 2011 10:33 PM
It's all in my mind.
... Guess you didn't need to be a pro at inferencing. I am certain that my response screwed any doubts. Wish my brain worked a little quicker.
It's kinda awkward when you put it that way.
Then again, I'm not blaming you. Really. Really.
To be honest, I tried to get out of your way so you won't remember to talk to me.
I'm just sort of grateful that you and other squadmates tried to cheer me up.
Beyond that... *shakes head*
It's a hard topic to discuss with someone with as much pigheadedness about it being her fault.
More words on it... won't serve anything.
Okay, so you had a perspective.
But it's not the one your heart says.
As I, you were affected. I don't know the impact of the ITC episode on you, but the impact of the email you felt. The words you spoke in NP room to the others, though I tried hard not to feel at, are probable. If you had censored it for my sake... It already made me feel guilt.
Like how it would be every time I look at my own posts. When I look at the email.
Not that it is... unwarranted.
Then, so what if you could have convinced me?
But then, I think my stubborness would have held their own.
So... No point, really.
Labels: Vague Ponderings
Wednesday, March 23, 2011 3:09 PM
It's all in my mind.
Words.
In the end, they're still words. You would have nothing to say anyway, I'd wager...
In the end, there's only one perspective. And to be frank, some part of me expected that.
After all, this is just another instance.
... you felt that I was best at speech? and at writing? really?
Though you didn't tell me that, but I heard from someone, so though you will never find your way here (I think), I thank you.
I'm flattered.
But the truth is, I suck.
Just look at my LA score. I don't deserve the praise.
These things in the past... I can't be credited for anymore.
No longer, at least.
But for all of you who still look at my performance for year 1 and 2, and judge me highly still...
Thank you. ^^
But I'm not worthy.
I think I sounded like I was trying to shirk responsibility. But really, I don't think responsibility agrees with me. I feel... Off, unsettled, unsure of myself when I am without someone beside me to bounce opinions off.
But never mind. There's still time. I'll bank on that.
Although I just posted on the squad blog on treasuring NOW, a week past I was just thinking this. They are conflicting, but both views are applicable, I think.
It's all very stupid, you know.
Life, in the end, is meaningless.
You arrive as a blank sheet of paper. You leave with nothing in your hands.
They speak of processes. And so what about processes?
Unless you cease to care or feel, every enjoyable feeling will be countered with numerous agitating, offensive ones.
They speak of love. But that itself is fallable, and a variable to so many conditions. Happily ever after does not exist. And so what if you are loved by one when hardly anyone else cares a shit a about you? In the end, you'll be alone once more. What's the point?
Labels: Vague Ponderings
Wednesday, March 16, 2011 9:35 PM
It's all in my mind.
It is a curious sensation, I wonder if you felt it before.
Listening to that... a grimace forming onto my face, my eyes casting downwards from her earnest face...
Knowing it is the truth she speaks that I am not facing.
Yet knowing... that it shouldn't affect me.
Wondering... if she's in the same position as I.
If I'd known better, I'd have avoided it by now.
Guess I'm just stupid.
But from here, what is my next step?
Nothing, I guess.
There was no hope from the beginning,
nor will there be an end.
You were never tangible.
... just idiocy on my part.
Labels: Vague Ponderings
