The void sucks me in.

Monday, June 22, 2009 12:27 PM

It's all in my mind.

Hm... Haven't been posting much. Doesn't matter. The holidays are not what it seems to be anyway. I went online lesser than last December and my mum is trying to poison me with durian stink. I haven't done any homework, surprisingly- just can't get myself to do it. Gonna try though. Run down of this week:

Monday

Went to Bugis's Central Lending Library with Hui Li, Joanne and Si Min. After long last, we ate lunch- mine was 2 pieces of bread from Breadtalk, Hui Li's was sushi. I bought a Sakura ice-cream mochi for my sis.

Bags had to be squished into pigeon holes. My mochi was squished thus. It is ironic that while Hui Li manhandled my bag, she said afterwards when the extent of the action was revealed that she told me not to put the mochi in my bag. I am still pissed, actually. Photocopied stuff for History homework. As of Saturday I realised that I would really need to go with Lucy again- I don't think I am supposed to get the 3 articles from the same book. Oh well. So sad.

On the way back my headache developed with a vengence and at the MRT I was seriously getting dizzy. It did not help that the book I was reading was describing a scene where a character got his finger chopped off. At Buona Vista (sp error?), I couldn't take it anymore and sat down, leaning against the train door. And it pissed me even more that while I was feeling unwell, Hui Li had to be more interested in the fact that I shouldn't sit on the floor. That's stupid. At Dover, she succeeded in coercing me into leaning against a railing- "sit down", she calls it. Finally at JE I got a seat, and it is also where the 3 of them got off.

Walking back home was real irritating, I reckon I walked at half my usual speed. At least the sun wasn't hot. The cause of my headache was quickly found when I reached home and soaked my bag and pencilcase in detergent water (they were attacked by the mochi ice-cream, though relatively well cleaned up by Si Min and Joanne). I found my thermometer in my bag and.... 38.12 degrees celcius.

By the time I wiped every individual pen that was in my pencilcase, as well as my calculator, the temperature rose to be 38.5 degrees. With a wet towel, I headed for bed. Couldn't fall asleep though- i had left the light on, but was too lazy to get down. My portable office was there: cordless phone, handphone, blanket, pillow, and thermometer.

Messaged Joanne and Shou Fong about my condition, the latter to inform that I would not be going to the unit bbq. Slept for one hour. After my sis and mum came back, I got dinner, panedol, and felt better. Etc. And went to sleep.

Tuesday and Wednesday

Fever, bad throat, phlegm in every colour possible. Watched tv (I love the RoadRunner show!) , read chinese books for a change.

Thursday and Friday

Fever gone. Throat hurt like mad. Forgot the rest. Ate, slept, showered? When was it that I talked to Peiling on the phone? Which was the day when my left kneecap hurt like crazy? I dunno.

Saturday

Tuition with my cousins. Forgot to poke Wei Jie. *sigh* Fretted about Peiling's present. Still haven't bought it for her though, for that matter.

Sunday

Re-read the Fruits Basket manga that I was going to return (14 to 18). Snuck on my mum's laptop to continue reading Fruits Basket. Went to West Coast park by bus 176 with Hanzhang after treating (==) her with chocolate waffle. Basically spent an hour there very randomly and returned by bus. Went to Jurong Regional Library. Accidentally walked into the guys toilet. Pretty dumb. I was there thinking, "why does it look so different?" when I nearly crashed headfirst into a guy. Whoops.

Hanzhang left for the MRT station, and I stayed behind to read some manga... Those I'd read before. The manga section on Level 4 looks different now... All the better, I suppose. For returning home, my mum and dad were cycling, and I got to sit behind them! Er, here comes the sad part that I'm so heavy. My dad cycled me more than half way back from JE, and that is kind of sad for him. And my mum. I realised as the two people took turns to cycle me that my dad was big and hard, and my mum was relatively smaller and smaller (lengthwise and breadthwise).

Trying to do something in this holidays seems silly. I want to, though I don't want to... In the end, I just get to the end of the holidays faster. Pretty dumb.

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009 10:09 AM

It's all in my mind.

I finished "The Picture Of Dorian Gray" by Oscar Wilde last night. Pretty pleased, because a particular somebody said that she would 佩服我 if i accomplished that. This one is the unabridged version, you see.

The problematic thing was with reading it. Sure, I could understand it alright, but I did not really like the contents of what I read. Several years back, I was reading the abridged version at a bookstore and liked the book immensely. The plot attracted me, somehow. I even recommended it to the above somebody, and it surprised me that she did not enjoy it. I didn't know why- still don't. Though this time, reading the unabridged version, I began to dislike the book in several ways. The plot is still fine- it is the characters that I dislike, and alongside them, the conversations held.

I disliked Basil Hallward, the artist of the above mentioned Picture. Although he idolized the subject of his art alot, the way it was presented seemed... wrong. Basil Hallward is a man. Dorian Gray is a man. Even though it's simply because Dorian Gray inspired his works or whatsits, the way Basil Hallward expressed it upon Dorian Gray's question seemed wrong. It was okay at the start, when Sir Henry was the audience, however.

Sir Henry is another character that I resent. This time, seriously. His advice to Dorian Gray is all wrong. Without looking the part, Sir Henry is a demonic character, whom I would point to as the source of Dorian Gray's wrongdoings. Let me just quote some of Oscar Wilde's work.

Lord Henry laughed. "I don't desire to change anything in England except the weather," he answered. "I am quite content with philosophic contemplation. But, as the nineteenth century has gone bankrupt through an overexpenditure of sympathy, I would suggest that we should appeal to science to put us straight. The advantage of the emotions is that they lead us astray, and the advantage of science is that it is not emotional."

"But we have such grave responsibilities," ventured Mrs. Vandeleur, timidly.

"Terribly grave," echoed Lady Agatha.

Lord Henry looked over at Mr. Erskine. "Humanity takes itself too seriously. It is the world's original sin. If the cavemen had known how to laugh, history would have been different."

blah blah blah, blah blah, then:

He thought for a moment. "Can you remember any great error that you committed in your early days, Duchess?" he asked, looking at her across the table.

"A great many, I fear," she cried.

"Then commit them over again," he said gravely. "To get back one's youth, one has merely to repeat one's follies."

Do you see that? This is merely part of Lord Henry's absurd view on life! He puts across crazy, yet logical SOUNDING speeches about women (terribly degrading), sins (to ask Dorian Gray to commit them) amongst others! He's crazy! He even said somewhere that the greatest sin was boredom! Mad guy!

During the majority of his speech, I felt this weird sensation- as if I was resisting the contents of the speech with all my might. Perhaps this is what Dorian Gray failed in, thus failed in life. And he did not realise it til his death. Amazingly crazy. But reading about it was better than Chapter 11, however. Too long, with no conversations, thoughts, whatsoever. I skipped a page without realising it, and with no particular impact on my understanding of his work.

Here is the summary of the story, in case you would feel like reading it.

An exquisitely beautiful young man in Victorian England retains his youthful and innocent appearance over the years while his portrait reflects both his age and evil soul as he persues a life of decadence and corruption.

That marks the end of this post.

P.S. I reflected that Jane Eyre, by Charlotte Bronte is probably the base of what Stephenie Meyer wrote, in Twilight. Many ideas are reversed, or nearly the same. It is interesting that SM quoted Emily Bronte's Wuthering Heights, and not her sister's Jane Eyre, then. Jane Eyre is a great read. So is Wuthering Heights. Really worth reading. =)

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Friday, June 5, 2009 12:55 PM

It's all in my mind.

Long time since I posted. The non tangible thoughts are now all scrambled, and I can feel in me. The only thing is, I cannot put them into words. It is sorrowful that I am not blessed with the ability to draw, paint, sing, dance, etc. No artistic form to place my emotions, what horrible fate. Nothing I can do though, I guess.

Last act was the worst. I don't know, perhaps it's because it is the first time my facades really clash so openly for me to realise. And because last act was an eye opener for me? I don't know anymore. I do know that it was thankful that my sis went for her P5 camp. I don't know how I could deal with more people. I don't know.

I do know that the songs I have in my phone are too mild, though. I thought Bring Me To Life and Pride worked okay, but not this time. It is dreadful, when my inner being spells chaos. Really... Screaming, but cannot be screamed. Really horrid. I suppose I can only blame myself for being a pathetic being with lots of facades.

After my black introduction, I have to say that last act was not in any way offensive. I suppose it sucked for none but myself. Drill... I actually love drill. I do not know why, but I like it. My excuse is that it is much more enjoyable than PT. I don't mind lessons, actually. I love recre. At least, up to last act. I don't really know now.

Zhang Shi Min came for act. Surprising, but a wonderful news, I think. The problem was basically simple: he had forgotten all the drill commands and gave a very obvious flaw to our drill. I liked the effort though. Still... Squadmates might agree that while his physical being was present, his mental being was called in absent.

Civil Defense was okay. Nearly fell asleep, but I like copying, so no harm done. Since Staff Raymeo was absent (I guess that is the reason?) our PT session transformed into a Recre(ation) session. The guys went to play basketball. The girls, us, went to play Captain's Ball. My team scored relatively lesser, many thanks to me, I suppose. Whenever I attempt to intercept, I whack the ball out of the court. Pretty pathetic. Never mind. I managed to, without planning it, trip I-Lin. Also, slip on the track. Gah! I am an idiot. Yes.

Close to the end of the game, we were to play against the juniors. After a water break, we did, and, misunderstanding the Sec 1 I/C, I opted out of the game. I thought there were to be two games. So there. I kept score, and, wow, I counted til it was 6 all. The juniors had an edge, I suppose, there being guys and loads of teamwork. I rammed backwords into a junior, making her fall and so did I. Great. And now the juniors call (us?) violent. Perfect. I dunno if she was hurt, but I ended up with a scrape over my scar on my elbow. That hurt alot, i can assure you. Alot. Honestly. Incidentally I still am hurting as I type. Stupid idiotic thing. I just can't imagine how it'd be if i get a scar over this scar. Digressing for a little, I personally feel that the squad has broken to the point of no return. No matter how you group us girls, within the group, there will be a split. I do not know why, and would not be nice enough to claim all the credit, but I do contribute to the split. When it split, I don't know. How it split, I don't know. I just know that now there is a great gapping gap in our squad. Perhaps we will never overcome it.

Back to the game. I thought about getting the guys as backup and Foong Hui had similar sentiments. Unfortunately, I decided to make myself an absolute cretin by going to get them myself, rather than getting Ruth to do so, as how Foong Hui thought. Digressing one more time, I have to say that Foong Hui is more superior as compared to me. Looking back, I really have to come to that conclusion. Not that I would ever admit it to her. And don't you do so, Shou Fong. I will hate you. Seriously. And when I say serious, I mean serious.

Yeah, so phrased it in the pathetic manner that made the juniors (some guys were playing basketball too) reckon that we were losing. In my pathetic manner, I lost my cool and resorted to shouting. And nevertheless, Ken came to help. Somehow, the track really liked people from the HotShots!. Ken fell. And it did seem that the fall was hard. I dunno. Eventually, with his help, we scored. Won by several goals, as opposed to the juniors?

In retrospect, it was good when only Ken came. It saved face, in a sense. And I suppose I couldn't have hoped much- who was I, trying to remove them from what the enjoyed? But I realised that I was hopeless without guys. Hm... It is not to be understood wrongly, but I will not be elaborating. Then again, I am pathetic with or without guys. For that, Peiling, Hanzhang and Siyao should be able to appreciate.

I explode just like that ever so often. I thought it was gone now, but it has come back. Yeah, basically what the above said trio saw often in my primary school life has been in hibernation... Striking back with a vengence now. This time, it is because of the clashing facades. I am pathetic. Really. The main problem now is that I cannot remove the facades. I don't know if I am fated to stay pathetic once more. I really don't know.

If you cannot catch up with what I'm writing, don't bother. The stupid thing is that I still have lots more in my mind. Don't try to understand.

P.S. I think it's time that I stop crediting Joanne in my posts. ^^
P.P.S. The above is supposed to be "postscript". "PostScript". So this is "PostPostScript"!

P.P.P.S. Here's a joke that my dad sent me.

Lunchtime is Lunchtime
The office phone rings, one of the employees picks up and says:
"What kind of an idiot is it that dares to phone me in the middle of my
lunch break?!?"
The caller shouts back:
"Do you have any idea whom you are talking to...? I am the CEO of this
company!"
The employee replies:
"Do you have any idea whom YOU are talking to?"
Perplexed the CEO mumbles: "NO!!!"
The employee heaves a sigh of relieve and say: "Thank goodness for that!!"
and hangs up.

P.P.P.P.S. I realise that my feet are undersized. And so are my palms. Yesterday my mum gave me a good reason for why I keep falling. Coz my feet size and height are disproportionate! How clever. And her solution is to ask me to stop growing. No!!! T-T

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

~ Profile ~

Tan Jing Yee
River Valley High School
RVNP HotShots! (sec1'08)
~~Shuqun Primary School~~
28 July

~ some quotes ~

♥ But I think... I want to live with all my memories. Even if they're bad memories. Even if they're memories that only hurt me... that I'd rather forget. If I keep them and keep trying, without running away, then someday I'll be strong enough that those memories can't defeat me. I believe that because I want to think that there's no such thing as a memory that's ok to forget.

♥ Pain, suffering. It's pointless to just think about those things. The traveler (referring to "The Most Foolish Traveler" by Natsuki Takaya) didn't. That may be stupid to some people but that's not stupid to me. Yuki... Kyo... when you close your eyes, what do you think?

♥ Just as no matter how hard you try to keep it away... despair will attack you again and again. In the same manner hope will return to you. Again and again.

♥ Someday... no matter how cold it is now... the snow will melt. Without fail.

♥ For there to be pain, there has to be kindness. For darkness to stand out, there has to be the sun.

♥ Maybe I'm not perfect. Maybe I have a long way to go. But someday... someday I'll be able to stand and walk on my own. Without hurting anyone... and without being a burden.

♥ We're all born with selfish desires so we can relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is created individually by each person... So it's easy to misunderstand when someone is trying to be kind to you... But, Tohru, people's differences are something to celebrate.

♥ "And if when everything ends, nothing is left in my hands...that's alright."

♥ Mingling with people, hurting them, getting hurt by them. That's how you learn about people and about yourself. If you don't, you'll never care about anyone but yourself.

♥ I want to be the only one... who can help the one I care about.

♥ "I wish I could have lived... In a kind world. Without anxiety. Without fear. Without hurting other people. Without being hurt myself. Only doing the right things. I wish I could have followed... The shortest path... To the kind world I wish for. I wish... I could have lived my life... Without making any wrong turns. But that is impossible. A path like that doesn't exist. We fail. We trip. We get lost. We make mistakes. And little by little, one step at a time... we push forward. It's all we can do. On our own two feet. Even if we get a little banged up. Someday, we'll reach something. We'll reach someone. We pray."

♥ "Crowds used to make me wonder. How many people would notice if I disappeared? I used to mull over that kind of thing constantly... once upon a time. But now... I'm a little different. It's not like that. It doesn't have to be... A lot of people. Even if it's just one person. That's enough. Having one person... is an incredible thing. Because then... It can't be zero. I was happy. I was happy then, too. I was so happy, it tickled. In the midst of all those people... She singled me out... and found me. And it's the same thing now. Having someone other than yourself... thinking of you. Looking... for you. You can't take that for granted. It's a miraculous and blessed thing."

♥ "... please don't cry anymore. I know that happy things... and fun things.. eventually come to an end. But things that are scary and sad... come to an end too. They always do. Even if you can't always believe that... please don't give up. Live. I want you to live. Even if you make a mistake, even if you take the long way, it's still okay... Just please... please live. Don't give up on pushing forward. Please. At least don't give up on that. Even if I'm not... by your side."

♥ Often times in memory, we have the tendency to overly romanticize the people we care about.

♥ Humans may be fragile creatures, but they're not weak to the extent to being crushed by their painful memories even after they meet with something unfortunate. We're far more resilient that that. Everything will be alright.

♥ "Don't worry, Kanade. What a person has actually gone through is unexpectedly different from what he remembers. Even though that gap may leave him feeling sad sometimes... Even the most vivdly clear memory... will change with time eventually."

♥ "Humans are amazing. Even though they may not see something physically... They'll still sense it. Everything else is the same. If you work hard, others will know that you work hard. If you don't work hard, others will know that you don't work hard."

♥ "Someday... You'll find someone who'll know all your good and bad points... And who'll still love you all the same."

♥ If... There was ever a Land of the Blindfolded, will the people of that land... Understand what it's like to have your blindfold come undone? Even if... Most people will never understand us... There might just be... Someone who can do that. It isn't easy to understand people's feelings... But that doesn't mean... That you're alone.

♥ It is not violence that best overcomes hate — nor vengeance that most certainly heals injury.

♥ The real courage is living and suffering for what you believe.

♥ “If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”

♥ Do not pity the dead, Harry, pity the living. Above all pity those who live without love.

♥ 每一段记忆，都有一个密码。只要时间，地点，人物组合正确，无论尘封多久，那人那景都将在遗忘中重新拾起。你也许会说“不是都过去了吗？”其实过去的只是时间，你依然逃不出，想起了就微笑或悲伤的宿命，那种宿命本叫“无能为力”。

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