For EnQi's injury I'd cried before, years ago. For my sister's, I have today. For your injuries, I'd been close too, months ago. For my dad's, I have worried.
Since you're judging as you listen, then there's no point speaking to you. Let it freaking spiral down then!
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Thursday, June 14, 2012 4:29 PM
It's all in my mind.
But for sorrow there is no remedy provided by nature; it is often occasioned by accidents irreparable, and dwells upon objects that have lost or changed their existence; it requires what it cannot hope, that the laws of the universe should be repealed; that the dead should return, or the past should be recalled.
- Samuel Johnson
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Tuesday, June 12, 2012 3:32 PM
It's all in my mind.
好多好多想法在我脑海里转，转，转…… 越转，心里越来越沉重。
The words refuse to leave the confines of my mind, refuse to leave my lips.
If I try, they don't end up coherent. And I give up.
Something is restricting me. Perhaps myself- my worries, my fears, my insecurities...
Myself.
Some people express themselves through art, through drawings- some through music, poetry, writing...
Communication of ideas seem to be beyond me now. Somehow...
I've changed. This change is not for the better.
Monday, June 11, 2012 9:46 PM
It's all in my mind.
How much of our actions are dictated by obligation? How much by our mind? How much by our how much by ruled by our heads, how much by our heart?
... In the end, there's really more to living than simply being alive.
When will we truly live? When will we shine? When can we disperse the clouds which kill our glow? When will we stop being distracted by the mundane requirements of life, and truly be in our realm?
That feeling of free falling, your heart wrenched out of your chest. That darkness that you see, with negligible hope for salvation. The bleeding gashes you sport, raw and unhealed.
It's useless for a doctor to tell a patient he'll recover, for the recovery process probably lies beyond medical treatment. So many variables, and so varying the people trying to heal.
The scars will stay. Even if one day they no longer hamper you, hurt you... Even if you cease to notice them, you're no longer who you used to be. It's part of you.
The free falling will continue. The darkness will not leave. Sometimes it feels as if you've landed on the rocky bottom, your body giving way, your breath short.
It will get better.
Day will break.
Time will pass... even if you're stuck at the same moment, incapacitated.
I will not be presumptuous and declare that you'll recover- who am I to?
I can only hope the best for you, from the bottom of my heart. My hand is free-
If through the darkness you need someone to wander with you... I'll be there.
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Friday, June 8, 2012 12:14 AM
It's all in my mind.
发自内心地厌恨自己，几个人感受过？
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Tuesday, June 5, 2012 8:22 PM
It's all in my mind.
My mind, I look at it-
a barren land, stretching far and wide.
Extensive sand plains, all inhabitants gone.
On its fringes, some greenery which chanced to escape what may have been a catastrophe
What laid the ground to waste.
The sun beats down harshly, constantly.
I stand in the middle. Lost.
My mind.
It's a dark pool.
My nose... almost touching. I hover above that mirror like surface- dark, shiny thing.
I see the ripples from my breath, the reflection of the moon above.
Somehow, I'm suspended.
I stand in the darkness, alone.
The surroundings are pitch black, but the chill of the night just comfortable.
Solitary... Even when my physical surroundings reflect the reverse.
Without warning, a tidal wave emerges.
The feeling when you see it approach, gathering pace...
There's no time to shut your eyes before it makes contact.
It crashes over me.
The cold registers first, then I get caught in its turbulence.
Then... The constricted sensation in my chest. Harder, and harder, and harder.
The mass has all the weight of water, but I don't drown. Likewise, my gasps of oxygen are futile. I don't breathe easier...
The idea of flailing, of fighting my way to the surface is dismissed. I flounder. I don't have energy enough. I don't have the will enough. I don't have motivation enough. The night coloured mass wipes out any hope for my reacquaintance with light.
Yet sometimes, just sometimes... a warm beam extends though that suffocating mass. The comfort extended is limited, but it exists. Just sometimes, a pair of hands reach out, strong enough to pull me out from the bottomless depth. I'd breathe again.
Other times, I stay there. By myself. Drained, overcome. Released only, only when the darkness of my eyelids prevail over my mind.
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Sunday, June 3, 2012 11:17 PM
It's all in my mind.
Mood has a direct correlation with working ability...
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Saturday, June 2, 2012 2:14 AM
It's all in my mind.
What you say reflects a lot about you. Yesterday, I realised just how much.
我不曾想过，你们姐妹有这么相同。
我讨厌的部分，原来，你也有。
…… 你不知道你让我多害怕，多害怕改次我会变得像你们一样。
And that fear'd be justified. We are cut from the same mold.
Just one generation apart.
All the more scarier, because while you are like her, you're not like her. The actions, so extreme. The words, so cutting. Feeling so justified- yet you are one capable of logic.
And all the more scarier, because while I am disgusted at you being so harsh in your judgement, it shows that I'm being critical myself.
So scary I don't want to be human.
They keep trying to assure me that with my awareness, my degree of introspection, I will avoid my greatest fear- of becoming her. They keep assuring me that if I do become anywhere like it, they'll remind me.
When I see you this way, all these assurances disintegrate into nothingness.
Because what use are the assurances, when your awareness and your logic is not enough to keep you from being just about the same?
... I wonder if you've ever reflected as a child, on how you were brought up? I wonder, if you'd ever resolved as I do to break the cycle?
I wonder, if you realise, that you're being vicious?
Is it me seeing too much, or you seeing too little? And, more importantly, what I fear: am I simply being self-righteous?
相爱容易，相处难。
.......你根本有爱你妹妹吗？
I no longer doubt your sentiment when you commented that Peh Peh and I had a good relationship. It took us 13 years to meet, just thereabout. We are two separate entities, but we are one. And, I pray, it will continue to be thus.
But your side? 26? Without meeting in the middle?
Perhaps I don't see enough to comment. Perhaps I don't know enough to empathize. But your actions are so unforgiving, and your words are so laced with criticism that it makes me feel like shunning you.
The point of contention is no longer who was in the right at the beginning anymore. No longer, since your actions to follow up are not above criticism yourself.
... I wish that I could do better, in your place. I wish I could prove myself different.
"We are, and must be, one and all, burdened with faults in this world"
... If I cannot avoid those faults that will kill me to perpetuate, I wish I weren't born.
~ Profile ~
Tan Jing Yee
River Valley High School
RVNP HotShots! (sec1'08) Shuqun Primary School
28 July
~ some quotes ~
♥ But I think... I want to live with all my memories. Even if they're bad memories. Even if they're memories that only hurt me... that I'd rather forget. If I keep them and keep trying, without running away, then someday I'll be strong enough that those memories can't defeat me. I believe that because I want to think that there's no such thing as a memory that's ok to forget.
♥ Pain, suffering. It's pointless to just think about those things. The traveler (referring to "The Most Foolish Traveler" by Natsuki Takaya) didn't. That may be stupid to some people but that's not stupid to me. Yuki... Kyo... when you close your eyes, what do you think?
♥ Just as no matter how hard you try to keep it away... despair will attack you again and again. In the same manner hope will return to you. Again and again.
♥ Someday... no matter how cold it is now... the snow will melt. Without fail.
♥ For there to be pain, there has to be kindness. For darkness to stand out, there has to be the sun.
♥ Maybe I'm not perfect. Maybe I have a long way to go. But someday... someday I'll be able to stand and walk on my own. Without hurting anyone... and without being a burden.
♥ We're all born with selfish desires so we can relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is created individually by each person... So it's easy to misunderstand when someone is trying to be kind to you... But, Tohru, people's differences are something to celebrate.
♥ "And if when everything ends, nothing is left in my hands...that's alright."
♥ Mingling with people, hurting them, getting hurt by them. That's how you learn about people and about yourself. If you don't, you'll never care about anyone but yourself.
♥ I want to be the only one... who can help the one I care about.
♥ "I wish I could have lived... In a kind world. Without anxiety. Without fear. Without hurting other people. Without being hurt myself. Only doing the right things. I wish I could have followed... The shortest path... To the kind world I wish for.
I wish... I could have lived my life... Without making any wrong turns. But that is impossible. A path like that doesn't exist. We fail. We trip. We get lost. We make mistakes. And little by little, one step at a time... we push forward. It's all we can do. On our own two feet. Even if we get a little banged up. Someday, we'll reach something. We'll reach someone. We pray."
♥ "Crowds used to make me wonder. How many people would notice if I disappeared? I used to mull over that kind of thing constantly... once upon a time. But now... I'm a little different. It's not like that. It doesn't have to be... A lot of people. Even if it's just one person. That's enough. Having one person... is an incredible thing. Because then... It can't be zero. I was happy. I was happy then, too. I was so happy, it tickled. In the midst of all those people... She singled me out... and found me. And it's the same thing now. Having someone other than yourself... thinking of you. Looking... for you. You can't take that for granted. It's a miraculous and blessed thing."
♥ "... please don't cry anymore. I know that happy things... and fun things.. eventually come to an end. But things that are scary and sad... come to an end too. They always do. Even if you can't always believe that... please don't give up. Live. I want you to live. Even if you make a mistake, even if you take the long way, it's still okay... Just please... please live. Don't give up on pushing forward. Please. At least don't give up on that. Even if I'm not... by your side."
♥ Often times in memory, we have the tendency to overly romanticize the people we care about.
♥ Humans may be fragile creatures, but they're not weak to the extent to being crushed by their painful memories even after they meet with something unfortunate. We're far more resilient that that. Everything will be alright.
♥ "Don't worry, Kanade. What a person has actually gone through is unexpectedly different from what he remembers. Even though that gap may leave him feeling sad sometimes... Even the most vivdly clear memory... will change with time eventually."
♥ "Humans are amazing. Even though they may not see something physically... They'll still sense it. Everything else is the same. If you work hard, others will know that you work hard. If you don't work hard, others will know that you don't work hard."
♥ "Someday... You'll find someone who'll know all your good and bad points... And who'll still love you all the same."
♥ If... There was ever a Land of the Blindfolded, will the people of that land... Understand what it's like to have your blindfold come undone? Even if... Most people will never understand us... There might just be... Someone who can do that. It isn't easy to understand people's feelings... But that doesn't mean... That you're alone.
♥ It is not violence that best overcomes hate — nor vengeance that most certainly heals injury.
♥ The real courage is living and suffering for what you believe.
♥ “If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”
♥ Do not pity the dead, Harry, pity the living. Above all pity those who live without love.
