Amnesia. Mega spoiler alert.



I actually started watching this while I was on Itazura na Kiss, but ended up finishing the other anime first. Now that I have finally finished the short 12 episodes worth... I get irritated that I wasn't committing it to memory while I watched.

At the beginning it seemed like something that wouldn't exactly be out of the ordinary... Just a girl who awakes with amnesia and a fairy-spirit called Orion who only she could see, and who was going to help her regain her memories. Okay, that seemed rather straightforward.

Just, it wasn't. Happily, it wasn't. There's so much to mull over I feel the dissipation of my brain grate on my nerves now that I try to spin it into something with a coherent form.

Heroine.

In any work of fiction it is through the protagonist's eyes we first see the world, and it is usually the protagonist whose personality we get a most secure grasp on. This however, does not happen in this anime.

In some sense it is to be expected, because the heroine lost her memories. She by default is impeccably formal and polite with everyone who she meets, and does not try to speak unless spoken to, or confident of an opportunity to uncover a bit of her past when she participates in the conversation.

Yet it really disturbs me. Perhaps because I can see it play out in reality, from an outsider's perspective. That faultless behaviour leaves no evidence of her personality, as though behind it all either a dark void extends- or a black soundproof veil is draped. Either nothingness... Or infinity that is not shared. Given her confusion about her surroundings, nothingness was what I interpreted it as most of the time, and it bothered me.

And yet there was evidence that she had a personality! In every parallel world she went to, her boyfriend would point out things that she used to do, showing how she was being out of character. Shin pointed out how she would protest against him kissing her publicly, asking if he was intending to embarrass her. Kento-san said that she was the one who told him outright she didn't like how the relationship was going, and how there should be more communication. Toma said that while he frequently wished that she was quieter, now that she was it merely worried him.

Assuming that Shin's tone can be relied on to infer that she did not genuinely think what she said but was merely saying so out of embarrassment, this is a girl who has prickly edges and will not be comfortable throwing herself to absolute sentimentality, one who objects to totally dissolving into a puddle of goo. In Ikki-san's dimension, the heroine joined the Ikki-san fan club despite detesting him so much, to find out something- to prove something. This was someone who either saw beyond the exterior or intuitively felt it, and acted upon that to clear doubt. From Kento-san we know that she is one to take action, to bring issues into the light for both of them to work on when she has something that she cannot tolerate, instead of just tolerating or leaving at the first hint of conflict. Toma indicated a cheery, chatty person, for whom silence implied moroseness. Later we learnt from the diary that she had decided on taking the first step to advance the relationship by confessing, with help from Ikki-san. This was not a damsel in distress, someone who was willing to face possible failure for possible success.

She has a personality. It bothers me that throughout this journey, she never found it. Considering objectively, she couldn't have when Neil-sama withheld her memories from her. On that note, then, I ought to be crediting her for when she does display her personality.

Not with Shin. She was too busy fumbling. Not with Ikki-san. She was coming to terms with the notion of parallel universes and the truth behind his person. Perhaps with Kento-san, because she took a chance instead of going by the strictly faultless- when he 'spent time' with her in silence, she hazarded the fact that she would have wished they were talking, even though considering her amnesia, it would have been awkward on her side had they actually talked. She brought coffee for him, not held back by worries whether or not she was in the habit of doing. Definitely with Toma, because in light of his extreme actions she felt for him, comprehended, pitied. While she needed to be prompted by Orion, eventually she was the one who invited for Toma to look into her diary to obtain the truth for himself, and comforted him when he was stunned by the significance of his comprehension. In addition, this is where she started to want to do things for herself, to keep from busying others, to keep from being useless and cumbersome. Even more so when she met Ukyo-san. The blind faith that always led her to seek him out when he asked, the compassion in spite comprehending that there were two diametrically opposite Ukyo-sans, and trying so hard to save him nevertheless, at the risk of dying herself. By Toma and Ukyo-san, it was clear that she was no longer a blank slate but a person- a mild mannered but good, compassionate person. A person, not a helpless child.

What is in a name? A sense of identity. Rarely ever do we meet any fictional character that its creator did not put some thought into the significance of his/her name, or at least of how it sounds as the name rolls off the tongue of those who pronounce it. In this light I'm amazed- a heroine of twelve chapters without us knowing her name. And yet, what a brilliant idea. There has been no better way to emphasise that there is no certainty about her identity, or whether she actually exists. And... perhaps the identity attached in the name would not exist in that reality anyway.

The romance.

After she learnt that she was Shin's girlfriend yet suddenly found herself with Ikki-san hovering over her as her boyfriend, I at first wondered if this was some elaborate plot by Ikki-san. Seeing that it wasn't though, I couldn't help but wonder if the purpose of this anime was somehow to show the heroine what she was signing up for, for whichever guy she was going to choose to give her love to. I still think that the ending of episode twelve with her standing before five cards indicated this. I don't exactly like that interpretation though, for I would like to believe she came from an original world, one which she was going to be with someone. Nonetheless, it does shed much light on the character and romance styles of the various guys.

Shin, of Hearts.

He was attentive to notice that she was out of character too much, and proved indisputably that she had lost her memories. While it probably does not do much credit to a boyfriend if he had not noticed his girlfriend had lost her memories, his choice of what to prove it actually gives us insight to how he thought, and what he valued.

To be honest, he could have asked her if she remembered his birthday. Little things like what happened last week. Yet he chose to confirm it by lying that it was their one year's anniversary, revealing later that it was only their third month's anniversary. Rationally speaking, the discrepancy between three months and a year is huge enough for his girlfriend to notice. Irrationally speaking, this was his measure of whether his girlfriend lost her memories. Not over petty little things like his birthday, or things in the past- those may only be things he valued himself. His measure of whether she remembered was the height of their shared love. Of everything she could forget, this was the measure of whether she forgot. Flipping the situation, then, doesn't it suggest that somewhere in his consciousness, he would have used that as the indicator for himself? This was what he would not forget, unless it was beyond his power to remember.

Shin looks rational. He generally acts rational, telling Toma not to spoil the heroine as she needed to be able to do things herself. Rational enough for one to think him curt or cold.

But behind that rationality he feels emotions really strongly. That guilt that wrecked through him so strongly that he did not reply immediately to her question of how she fell- how he said he was not in control of his emotions enough to tell it in public without breaking down and had to be excused... As though emotions were crippling, as though he needed to hide all weaknesses. And yet his 'guilt' was merely for his indirect participation in causing her to fall. He was not the hand who pushed her, not the cliff she fell from, but he blamed himself because his words caused her to run off. Where emotions begin the image of rationality breaks apart.

A beautiful contradiction in itself- rationality with so much irrationality.

Upon knowing her condition he brought her to all the places himself, the places she spent time before and would probably evoke her memories. Being of practical help, telling stories of the places and of the memories there. Then having rationality mixed with sentimentality- kissing her because he wanted to, but also because it was at the location of their first kiss.

Knowing he shouldn't be upset but upset nevertheless that she didn't remember. Expressing such frustration that they had finally moved beyond family or childhood friends, and now they were back where they started, and how much worse it was now that she pushed him away, seeing the label of stranger reflected off her eyes. It sounds immature, yet so logical when taking into account the raw feelings of having been left behind with the burden of remembering what she didn't anymore, valuing what she couldn't value... She who was the pillar which guided him in learning to deal with people in the first place.

Strong sense of emotions, kept just below the surface as something he valued, yet had no mastery of- that strength of love coupled with rationality that kept them anchored. Rationality, yet fallibility that would have me wish for a ShinXHeroine pairing that would make love his strength and not his weakness. In many respects he reminded me of Natsume.

Ikkyu, of Spades.

In most card games, the spades trump. To hold the trump card and fail to win where you want to- that contradiction was what Ikki-san embodied.

The gift of being popular with the girls, yet being unable to control it even when it was hurting one who he genuinely wanted to be loved by- leading him to conclude that the gods must be punishing him for making such a stupid wish to begin with. To have a gift, yet be unable to use it on the one he wanted it to work on. Personally, part of the reason why I would have some objection to this pairing to begin with would the huge question mark- whether Ikki-san, like Edward Cullen, fell for the heroine precisely because she was different, and allowed them to finally embrace how it is like to live normal, have a normal relationship.

It would be the style of his characterisation that wavers me. He actually makes the effort. Not the small 'gentlemanly' things like holding her bag for her, consistently- but to take extra precaution to show that he is serious about her, to dissolve potential insecurity. To not show up at his girlfriend's apartment with a crowd of female admirers, whether it be by calculation of timing or by a frightful mask. To turn down a confessing girl with the fact that he had a girlfriend. To scheme and find a way of spending time with his girlfriend when he was previously swamped upon. To ensure that his girlfriend knows he's showing off only to her, and the rest didn't matter.

And the despair that must come with his eyes. That those who treated him nice, the girls who confessed to him, left him after three months. The real despair that had to come with confusion and not understanding where he went wrong- and how any relationship built with him seemed fated to end by three months... And how he let that consume him, and despair of genuine relationships, and ended up casually dating.

Even until he met the heroine, he couldn't let go of that worry, consciously or subconsciously counting down to the time she would leave him, when she was the one he would last long after three months. To have all the cards stacked in his favour if he wasn't genuine, and yet have the cards work against him when he wanted out. To be Ikki-san's girlfriend was not only a choice to love him, but a choice to face head on all the hate and all the competition for Ikki-san, being strong enough to pull through together.

Kent, of Clubs.

If Shin was rational, this guy is strictly on task, practical and functions on logic so much that Shin seems emotional in contrast. I probably should not be so biased, but unfortunately the lack of feeling and extremely practical aura bothers me excessively.

So.

This is the guy who can actually imagine a compromise struck when he invites his girlfriend to sit on the couch in his study in the university, seriously inviting her to help herself to 'drinks' in the fridge, which was all bottled water, leaving her there for hours on end watching him as he completed his work. Why? His girlfriend wanted to spend time with him and he had to finish his academic report of sorts. Compromise: they were in the same room and he could finish his work. What? If the heroine had not pointed out to him that she had in mind something that had them talking instead of acting as an ornament in the room, I would have fast forwarded past that universe in protest.

This is the guy who explained as he was rubbing the heroine's head til it hurt, that he had researched and found that it was supposed to be a sign of affection. And upon learning that she found it painful, decided that he had to research the amount of strength to put into the action because he must have overestimated. Say what? Has he never patted an kitten or an animal of any sort before? Is it such a stretch of imagination for how much strength need be invested?

This is the guy who walked ahead of his girlfriend, forcing her to jog up to him breathless over a long stretch. And upon her asking, realise that they were not going anywhere in particular because he asked a friend what new couples did, and his friend replied to walk together with no particular destination in mind along the train track. Like, what? At least have the common sense to match your pace to hers? Are you playing catching? What about deviating from the instructions to consider holding her hand while you're walking to nowhere in particular, or talking to her?

And yet.

This was a guy who, while having initially forgotten the promise to his girlfriend to go to the temple festival together, rushed over instead of cancelling as she suggested when he found out she was there waiting, even though it'd take another half an hour to reach. While having initially forgotten because he himself was not interested in the temple festival, the fact that it was important for her and a promise he had made prevailed, and he went. While being shocked that she was in a yukata in such cold weather, he understood that she was wearing it for his benefit. And while he didn't see what was so fun about the temple festival, was not so stubborn as to be fixated on it and allowed himself to learn and experience what she found fun.

This was a guy who is hopelessly clueless about relationship basics and the building blocks of affection- and admitted. And did, in the way he knew best, sought to address the gaps in his understanding by researching. It does him credit, for it actually shows how much he cares for this to work out. And beyond what he researched, he learnt from his experience and not the textbook- to pat her head gently, from a growing awareness of himself, her and the feelings between them.

Most importantly, this was the one and only guy who felt a difference in his girlfriend and speculated about all the possible reasons. What is significant was the range of things he speculated it to be- while so practical, he considered the likelihood of alien involvement; while so outwardly emotionless, indicated his fear of her affections waxing as a normal stage of falling out of love. What was significant was that while he saw such a huge range of possibilities, narrowed it to one- and the correct one, that she lost her memory. Sentiment or insecurity didn't feed off him- rational thinking retained his logic to see the truth amidst everything. The same clarity of thought cannot be said for any of the rest, not Shin, not Toma.

This was the guy who, while so practical and logical, sincerely listened to his girlfriend speak of a fairy spirit, and took that science-defying statement seriously enough to eventually want to speak to Orion. (There's some objection to be made in the way he thought Orion to be only capable of human intelligence simply by the way Orion greeted him, but well.) Of all the parallel universes, only Kento-san was the one who discovered the truth, thereby relieving the heroine by being the only one who truly could be trusted with the extent of the 'problem'.

What can I say? It takes someone who sees the truth for what it is, someone who would accept the Kent who stumbles in the land of affections, one who would not for her own insecurities or preconceived notions take offense at Kent's behaviour, because they would know and understand that he's trying very hard, his own way.

Toma, of Diamonds.

Necessarily the most controversial character. Yet it is through extreme decisions that we see the grey line of personal ethics, and reactions to extreme decisions that we see a character's person. Without conflict, nothing will ever be ascertained, nothing put to test, nothing gained. This parallel universe is one where we finally start see the heroine's character shine through.

First things first. To give credit where it is due, Toma is in every sense the most attentive boyfriend we got to see by far, and in many ways the most protective. There's something to be said about how he tried to do every little thing for her, including the insurance card, acquiring a new phone, cooking for her... In light of her recent episode in the hospital, it made sense. It also clearly shows how much her life had been intertwined with his, how doing all this was second nature to him, with no worries about personal boundaries- all the nitty gritty things that would add to her comfort was done, no abashment whatsoever. It spoke a lot about how the heroine and Toma's relationship was in this world, how the relationship in their childhood clearly developed. A hint of this was already seen in the first parallel world with Shin as the heroine's boyfriend- this time with Shin not being the boyfriend, that care was multiplied tenfold.

The things characters do in the shadows has always been a means through which their true personality can be inferred. Things that are done in the shadows are either that which the character does without seeking acknowledgement, for it is done from the good of his heart... or that it is too controversial or shameful to admit.

The first glimpses of it was actually innocent- how Toma pretended to be delivering her mail when it was his secret daily routine to clear out the trash Ikki-san's fans continually put there, so that the heroine did not see it. How Toma invited her to his house when he felt that every of her usual haunts were unsafe- even if there was an ulterior motive in keeping her by him, at this point, since he stayed the perfect gentleman by ceding the bed to her and opting for sleeping on the floor, it was alright.

The rest was not. The depth of understanding Toma had of the situation was good, and, to be honest, Toma is smart. He wasn't blind to the telltale signs that the heroine could be in love with Ikki-san, and the fact that Ikki-san's fans were dangerously vicious to her made it quite good a guess that the heroine and Ikki-san were close enough for those watching afar to misunderstand. Toma is in addition the only character who guessed so early on that the heroine's memories were muddled- Shin was able to give benefit of the doubt for an extended time until it was proven, Ikki-san was only able to notice that she was acting different, Kento-san noticed and only proved it afterward, but Toma... He was taking a chance. His observations, spot on, coupled with his feelings towards the heroine and desire to keep her instead of letting Ikki-san be by her came together to make it all happen. While it was wrong to do so, credit goes to him for actually having made such a move, at such short notice.

In some sense, Toma is a very interesting case study for the lines one may draw in personal ethics. It was alright to lie to her about her phone, replace it, because he didn't want to let her see the hurting messages. It was alright to drug her to make her sleep throughout the day, ensuring she didn't leave his sight- yet it was against his values to force himself on her when it was someone else she loved. Okayy... So it was alright to put her in a cage on the floor, physically holding her captive as one would do to a lifeless doll- but it was not okay for him to take the bed while she was essentially sleeping on the floor. So he would question himself on why he was doing this, feel that he no longer has any right to touch her or find happiness with her, and yet continue to in name of keeping her safe no matter what anyone thinks, not even her. Okayy... So in conclusion, everything in the name of protecting her that did not physically pose a threat to her well being was alright?

It can't help but make me wonder if Toma thought her porcelain?

Had the heroine yielded to the idea of Toma protecting her and doing everything for her, would Toma have drawn strength from the fact that he was indeed capable of keeping her safe? Would it have resulted in him refraining from such extreme ends to keep her safe? Which also begs the question... What was it about being cared for that failed to sit well with the heroine? Toma was volunteering to do everything for her. Did she perceive a weakness in having everything done for her? Did she just want to avoid being a burden to Toma?

Those questions will probably stay unanswered, part of the grey area that the anime creates for our speculation. The redeeming factor of Toma's characterisation would always, in my perspective, be how he said that he was so caught up in pulling her away from Ikki-san that he didn't see how she felt, and he felt his actions unforgivable. And.. it truly takes a very different type of girl to see past the unreasonable things he did, to look past the fact that he actually thought of forcing her to only see him in her eyes, and accept regardless, that this was a person who loved her... Just so much that he couldn't objectively see what was happening, assumed all his presumptions correct, and his actions, with the logic of protecting her, legit.

Ukyo, the Joker.

Through the different dimensions, this suspicious character would appear at unexpected places and greet the heroine with cryptic comments that hinted at him being the one and only person who expected her to lose her memories, and was in some way in control of that. While not exactly the truth, by the time of his death, it becomes clear that this character is the embodiment of what it is to be human.

If history does not instruct us about the futility of fighting death, literature opens the doors to the horrors of trying to awaken the dead. Ukyo did not want to accept that the heroine had moved into the void, and wanted to see her again in life- and wanted her to live. He barely got his wish, at a high cost.

His wish had them thrust into parallel universes- ones whereby the world recognised him as an anomaly, for while she existed, he did not. The worlds tried their hardest to kill him, succeeding every time and putting him through enough pain for his mind to revolt against it, awakening a split personality intent on self preservation, antithetical to his original intent of seeing the heroine live. In every parallel universe, the heroine lived for one apart for himself, and the smiles that he stayed to look at were paid for with his life.

Is it not a lesson learnt? Wishes that began with a positive intent did not necessarily end up as such. Self sacrifice- while noble, may not be sustainable. You could fight to live, but when the time came one cannot win against death.

In Ukyo's perspective, how would it have been like? Having to see in her eyes the lack of recognition, when you fought hard to stay alive to see her. Having to watch the smiles bestowed on other men, destined as such in that world- everything so close, yet so far.

And when fate finally put her in a world that you had no rivals in, it was because she was not destined to survive. To have the subconscious wish granted, for you to be with her again, for her to smile for you- to fight against the world to keep her alive, intervene at every corner, and yet fail to control your alter ego from wanting to kill her. To have warned her to keep away, again and again- and she failed to listen. To want her the most, and yet pose the greatest danger to her survival.

In some sense, I think that this dimension was what showed the true nature of love- that in some people's hands, it could transcend the confines of individual minds, the dimensions of time, space, and even rationality. Yet in spite of the possibility of such timelessness, such a love could get very dangerous, totally out of control. It could easily have ended as a greater tragedy than him dying- him killing her with his own two hands.

On that note, it is also why I think this dimension was what brought greatest depth to the heroine. What was on the line with Ikki-san was the very real harm his fans posed, the greatest threat in the way of getting along with Kento-san was not being on the same emotional frequency; what was on the line with Toma was her freedom, while what hung in the balance with Ukyo was her life. It never stopped her from trying to save Ukyo. Her safety seemed secondary.

While not a very well planned move, I can't help but think that if she were less willing to throw her own life on the line to save Ukyo's, Ukyo wouldn't have had the strength to take over and plunge the knife into his own chest to save her.

One who would die painfully, over and over again to see her. It sounds dramatic, irrational and to an extent obsessive. But there's something to be said about love that knows not the term 'self preservation'. Even if Ukyo doesn't feel it for himself, it just seems too much of a pity to condemn this soul to a life without the heroine after that.

"There are as many worlds as there are possibilities."

When we consider how the heroine was transported from world to world, finding herself in almost the same situation, with the same cast of guys around her, where the key difference was who she was attached to, the idea of parallel universes didn't exactly make sense. The architecture saw no great variation, the only person whose character varied clearly in every world was the manager at Meido, the friends she had only varied in whether they worked alongside her or were as close.

It was as though the world varied for the heroine. That she was the central puzzle piece that ensured those connected to her stayed present and in her life, across parallel worlds. It didn't sit well with me.

In fact, without Ukyo's existence, the idea of parallel universes don't make sense anymore. Ukyo was the one true proof that the world was made of complex decisions, decisions that wove themselves into drastically different outcomes. In all parallel universes besides the last, where the heroine existed Ukyo did not. In the final parallel universe, it was Ukyo who existed, but not she and the world was trying its damn hardest to kill her.

Particularly with Orion saying in the OVA that there were as many worlds as there were possibilities, it showed that it was coincidence, or Neil-sama's decision that the parallel universes we saw were that where most variables ended up constant. In some worlds, the heroine was never born, or never lived this long. In some other worlds out there, Shin, Toma and the heroine wouldn't have been childhood friends. In some other worlds out there, the heroine would not be the target of the fan club for seeing Ikki-san, working alongside him. In some worlds out there, their character would be an embodiment of darkness instead of light. In some worlds out there, none of them would have existed at all.

It's the only way I find the idea of parallel worlds bearable. That this life is a gift, a unique product of decisions after decisions, accumulated generations after generations. That for the better or for the worse, we are unique in spite of the parallel universes.

Just found a note I wrote long time ago after watching The Lady, with the history class.

So many so many thoughts scrambled within my mind right now.
The scriptwriter did it well, perfectly well. All the atrocities committed made her staying in Burma no longer an option, a must- her father's picture raised over people's heads as she lent support to one of the injured... Perfectly impactful.

The relationships- Michael and Suu's, and the entire family... It was so sweet that it was hard to fathom, hard to believe... Yet it totally adds up- the consistency of it all...

To be so excited about being able to go and see her, yet receiving news last minute, such crushing news... The devastation on one hand, the delayed ecstasy as he has to postpone his journey...
Then coming into the following scene-
To bid her take care of herself and eat properly, having bid her take care of herself as he would if he were there... Yet having to watch beside her as she starves herself, bound to continue for a cause larger than himself. To a degree of watching her on the brink of death... How hard he has it, yet to the very end, he cares and he worries.

To not be able to call her or contact her- to be unable to contact each other- for ages! Needing to hear from secondary sources her welfare, limited the media can say; not hearing about her welfare but learning the chaos that surrounds her, worrying that she's caught in the midst of that...
Try not to worry- futile! Impossible not to.

And on her part as well-
Guilt or worry about burdening him, of restricting his freedom, tying him down... And then sweet comfort of knowing that his heart'd continue to be by hers.
To look forward to his writing, yet to have her heart ripped to shreds in whose lines' source she holds dear.
The feeling of helplessness, how her heart must have shattered, when she faces the biggest decision of her life- her husband and children, or her country. To be told by Michael one, to know that his words are true- yet both of them wishing for a way around it, the idea of parting without one last meeting so terrible.

And the phone calls, the phone calls! What's worse than not having the freedom to call at will is being cut off before you finish speaking, before you get to hear what was left for the last bit of conversation... What either side hadn't yet mustered the strength or mood to before. Knowing that your time is limited- beyond the context of the phone call, but actual time, ticking away... And still being unable to use the bit of time left as they would- his voice/ her voice cut off; counting on this hope, getting it dissolve into smoke...

I don't want to live in this reality.
How is it that my intent cannot reach her when I firmly believe what I say, and how I believe that deep down everyone must have a sense of pity, a sense of love towards the pitiable weak creatures called pets?

I don't like this reality.
I seriously was trying to appeal to her better side, trying to let her see.
How come it just doesn't register?
How come it seems like stubbornness and a love for control prevails?
Is it about pride? Is it about maintaining the status quo?

I can almost not hear myself over her words.

How come it seems impossible to convey to her the freaking notion of change?
Three years. Six months. How can behaviour in the past necessarily be used to predict current behaviour, when it has not been set to the test again?

How can anyone keep a pet merely as a decorative piece, a piece of furniture with no worry about its mental wellness, once it fails to meet expectations, once it fails to be controlled?

Heaven knows I'd tried to distance myself emotionally from the dog after my previous experience, but as long as there are times it looks at me with those woeful brown orbs, how can I not try to let it be more comfortable? How can I not try to cohabit with it to a certain extent?

I know this sounds freaking stupid, as though I haven't realised that reality doesn't revolve around what I want it to be.
Sounds freaking naive, as if I don't already know that just because I want to convince someone doesn't mean I will succeed.
Sounds freaking idealistic, as if everyone is made of the same buttons, same soul, vulnerable to the same coaxing, same appeal. As if I don't already know that people are all made different.

I know it sounds freaking weak, because if I really wanted to do something to change its situation despite the obstacles I've faced I need only to find a new home for it, my own home for it, a shelter away from those who don't share my values.

Whatever possessed me to think that words would work?

Words are merely another failure.
Words never seen to make a difference here.
Words are the only equipment I know to handle.

Am I expected to continue watching its sad brown eyes?
Am I expected to stop sitting by it as it fears the lightning in favour of her inducing fear onto it, bringing about the most frightful noises of protest?

"Want to live not just survive."
It would suffice if it could just have the freedom to walk about the house instead of being permanently installed by the door, for all but half an hour per day.

Itazura na Kiss. (spoiler alert)


"Each girl was born to meet her own destined one."
Cringe-worthy start to an anime of 25 episodes.
What was even more frightening? The next minute or so was of the female lead character fantasizing herself married to Irie Naoki, someone we later learn she has never yet spoken to.
Let's just say that Aihara Kotoko might need to meet Elsa and Kristoff for some counseling. ^^

So... 17 episodes in, I'm really surprised at myself. For a plot that promises that everything that can go wrong will go wrong (unbeknownst to the characters, but perfectly predictable for the audience)...
Well. I actually have to give it to them. There are actually some really good elements.

1. Despite being thoroughly infatuated with Irie-kun, Kotoko doesn't stand for any of the condescending nonsense, or his thoroughly stuck up side. 

While being cringe-worthy at times, for as fate will have it, Kotoko always ends up needing Irie-kun's help sooner rather than later, I genuinely think that it helped to keep his character in check, and possibly one of the things that caused him to be fond of her. Whether it is more because she challenges him or whether it is more that she forces him to be conscious of the effect of his behaviour (and how thoroughly unacceptable it is) I can't tell.

It is nevertheless really good to watch her:

• slap the money away when he condescended to donate money to rebuild her house to shut Kinnosuke up.
• reject Irie-kun's infuriating statement: "Don't bring me down to your level. There's no way I would use my full strength for something like that"... with her epic chastisement- "Enough with your overconfidence! That's just a sore loser's excuse!". Any proper spirited sportsperson would have wanted to hit him for not taking their opponent seriously.
• slap Irie-kun when he recited the contents of her letter of admiration to his whole family.
• embarrass Irie-kun back when he made Kotoko's confession to him a joke for his class, and hers too. I don't generally approve of the 'an eye for an eye' thing but she's standing up for herself at least.

2. How the relationship is actually one whereby both learn from each other- perhaps in a sense even one of equals.

Irie Naoki had been established from the first episode as the most intelligent in school or even in the entire Japan. On top of that, class A and top of the cohort on every test, brilliant at tennis, athletic, looks handsome, lives in a huge mansion, has girls flock to him, solves a physics question in 2 seconds flat....

And we have Aihara Kotoko, class F whose new house was toppled by an earthquake of magnitude 2, has been established as unintelligent and can't cook to save her life.

For everything that Kotoko struggles at, Irie-kun does with ease. In a typical fairytale (or Twilight), it ends there. For this anime... It doesn't, and it shows how Irie-kun struggles with that- being supposedly able to do anyhing and everything. How he lacks drive because he doesn't have to exert any effort to get what he wants, and how he lacks a life goal- and how Kotoko having that which he doesn't and constantly being a burden livens up his life. To be quite honest Kotoko almost never manages to do things correctly, but she has some huge (unrealistic) goals that defies common sense and tries to reach it, and manages to help Irie-kun to uncover what he wants in life.

Irie-kun becomes better for it. He could have tried to say no, but was still coerced into being the saviour for class F, most of whom would not have made the cut to enter the affliated college if not for him taking on the role of their tutor. And he's appreciated for it. A win win situation, for what would someone do with brains if no one hung around to appreciate it?

But a more direct influence from Kotoko would probably be how he was firm on his decision to take medicine because he wanted to cure people, when his father wanted him to take over the company. Skipping the Tokyo University entrance exams when he would definitely get accepted, in favour of the affliated college Kotoko would be entering.. From the person whom everyone had high expectations and whose life almost revolved around his academic prowess, I'd say that it's admirable that he finally looked past it.

3. The emotions.

Maybe it's just me, but there were scenes that actually sent me to tears.

How it would feel! To feel like you have ever always only been one-sidedly loving someone in so many ways out of your reach. To treasure that one kiss, that one rare expression, those unexpectedly kind words... To doubt it happened every time he was being rude and ignored you. To question whether it was a just a joke to him when he embarrasses you in front of others. To wonder if it was merely a game for him, when he goes out instead with someone so much more suited to him, one whom you feel you'll never compare.

To live under the same roof and see him every single day, and yet feel leagues apart. To have the feelings grow from admiration and infatuation to something stronger and more lasting... And to hear from his own lips how he was marrying another girl, one who was just perfect in every sense of the word, so kind that you couldn't bear to be jealous or fight anymore.

To feel all this, and know that you're inflicting the same emotions onto another who's clearly and openly loved you for five years. Just as you have tried to change and become a more worthy person to the one you loved, he went out of his way to try to show himself worthy a candidate for your love. Someone more constant in his behaviour, one who never behaves like a jerk to you. To receive his proposal, and know that you could save his pain by accepting- and by accepting allow your father a successor to the restaurant he owns. A successor who actually shares his passion for preparing food.

Yet you stall for the faint glimmer of hope that the one you love will return your feelings- keep stalling, only to see with greater conviction the fact that you've lost completely.

It's easier to feel for Kotoko, but what makes this better is what Irie-kun's motivations were, denied and disguised under it all.

It's hard to feel for Irie when he doesn't feel for himself, but it becomes clear soon that he tried to decide for himself what would be best for his father and the company. Despite making the cut to transfer to medicine, he put aside his decided calling of doctor in favour of succeeding the company from the guilt of feeling himself responsible for his father's stress induced heart attack. He jumped into an arranged marriage that would keep the company afloat, trying to ignore his love for Kotoko...  And finally faced up to his feelings upon knowing that Kinnosuke had already proposed to Kotoko.

It is not something that everyone would approve of, and in some sense it would appear that he would not have realised how important she was if not for the clock set ticking as a result of Kinnosuke's proposal. It really would suggest that he was taking her presence for granted or was seriously oblivious to how significant his feelings... And to be fair this would easily have led to a situation that benefited no one. He wrongly assumed that the sacrifice would only be on his part. Yet I can't help but give him credit for trying just that- to sacrifice what he wanted for what was necessary, or what he felt others wanted.

4. The little noteworthy things.

Quotes, which, off the top of my head, included:

• Kinnosuke saying: "The grades at school are not the only things that define the value of a man."
• Kotoko saying something like how being class F didn't make them any less human.
• Aihara-san saying that a woman needs to know when to give up... (men should too though)

And other little things, like how:

• Irie-kun kept the train door open for her after she had chastised him for not doing so... Just implying that he heard and acknowledged her existence.
• Yuuki was clearly emulating his big brother! Extremely cute to contemplate.
• It seemed annoying to everyone how Irie-kun's mum kept videotaping everything, taking photos like paparazzi and doing elaborate planning from cheering at the sports meet to the wedding... and yet despite the initial shock her efforts would really be appreciated years later, for capturing those little moments forever in film.
• Kotoko made sure to collapse after getting out of sight of Irie-kun so that he wouldn't miss his entrance exam... not that it mattered in the end.
• Class F's teacher actually was proud of his class and stood up for them when class A's teacher was gloating, instead of bemoaning his sad fate.
•  Yuuki had prepared a jacket in advance in Romantic Village and lent it to Kotoko when they got lost and it became chilly.
• Yuuki made Kotoko go behind him when the wolf advanced, even though she was a college student and he a mere elementary school student.
• When it came down to it, Irie-kun's parents did not want Irie-kun to give up on his dreams or Kotoko for them, instead taking it upon themselves to rectify issues caused when Irie-kun took it upon himself to seek the 'ideal' solution.
• Kinnosuke tried to avoid hearing it from Kotoko, but when Irie-kun informed him that he was taking Kotoko, Kinnosuke was a man about it and aptly reminded Irie-kun how he should hold on tight to Kotoko.

 5. The LOL moments.

 The most epic of which I would imagine would be Kotoko failing to read the kanji (dolphin, blowfish, squid and snail) properly, instead telling Yuuki it was "sea pig", "river pig", "bird thief" and "pot cow". The animations... ^^

Ultimately, I am but a coward.

At 1 o'clock, it wasn't the best time to pass Tommy the kimchi. Fun Toast would be busy. The crowd I can already envision. The queue never ending. For Tommy, I'd be dropping by at a time they needed everyone.

I knew that. And regardless how I attempt to justify... How my mental schedule required this out of the way before I could have lunch, go swimming...

In the end, wasn't it just so I would minimise interaction with those familiar faces?

For Munch would be busy too. The chances of seeing Pei Pei, Malcolm, the aunties and Naijie would almost be nil.

As I whatsapped Tommy outside Fun Toast, I stood just out of the line of sight from those working behind the salad bar at Munch.

Tommy asked if I just specially came down to pass this to him- with a slight gesture indicating next door. I could only say that Naijie hadn't wanted anything, to which he replied with a laugh that he didn't actually request kimchi, just mentioned it.

The unspoken I won't bring myself to say is how, as much as I might wish to see them, I couldn't talk to them. Too many times I've proven myself useless at holding a conversation, telling stories, fulfilling expectations.

How I would wish to entertain, but I'm drained already.
How I would wish to be an interesting conversation partner, but keep failing to contribute anything of significance.

I can understand if people are on guard against those they haven't ascertained are friends or foe.
But to treat me as an archenemy and twisting my intentions, allowing belligerent emotions to warp your understanding and throwing daggers at me- don't expect me to take it.

I don't have to take your nonsense.
I don't have to take your screaming.
Truce is over.

I'm not goddamn taking this shit.

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