The void sucks me in.

Sunday, June 30, 2013 10:18 PM

It's all in my mind.

May I never grow up to be an adult as she.
The switch in tone! So quickly! On one hand speaking to her sister sounding like a calm sane being, then suddenly sounding so overbearing, as though we were mere servants, imbeciles that she couldn't be bothered to deal with.

The disgust it evokes in my being... Directors who think they dont have to answer to anybody, that they have the god given authority to extend their tyranny to... Well! Should I say family or subordinates? It seems the same to her either way.

I sincerely feel sickened- the rebel gathers strength from beneath the layer which my stronger emotions lurk, usually curbed before it reaches an unbearable level.

I feel trapped when I consider how my grades aren't enough to send me overseas, and yet I can't bear to live under her dictatorship.

What do you call the place you return to every night? If anyone has the fortune to call that accommodation home with all the connotations of home, you had better treasure it. Because not everyone has that fortune.

For heaven forbid home is a place of such trials, threatening to bring out the worst in everyone instead of the best.

And again I dread growing up to become like that.
I already am taking crisp tones, demoralizing word choices, for some whom I have some sort of issue with, even though they aren't as obnoxious as... Myself.

And yet, given the lack of logic we're functioning on here anyway, I despair of positive change.
I've long given up on that as a rational wish.

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Saturday, June 29, 2013 8:36 PM

It's all in my mind.

Once upon a time, it was emotions first.
Anger, frustration, happiness, excitement, anxiety. This inclination began from the start of time, a work of nature that I presume reached every child. As they came my person would yield to them, allowing them to show in my tone, my actions, my frown, my smile.

As I grew up, the emotions grew stronger similarly.
I certainly didn't realise it then, the unstable emotional creature that I was... But my emotions ruled before my mind. Anger, hate, disappointment... The sense of feeling trapped was so real, and the tears that I cried from the feeling of injustice, misery and exasperation... And yet it was the negative feelings that came out in torrents, not positive ones.
It is a futile hope, but I would have hoped that no other primary schooler had to feel them as strongly. Preferably don't even need to feel it.

I got into RV.
Forget the concept of a new start, it wasn't the case for me.
I brought the girl who was constantly on edge with me here.
And even as I continue to forget, I know there are the unfortunate victims of my bursts of irritation and anger who probably still remember that crazy person that I was. I can only apologise for treating so meanly everyone who was on the receiving end of that unrestrained temper.
I look back and realise that things could have been disastrous. No one had to put up with my self-righteous behaviour. And yet it seems... They all did.
I couldn't have asked for a kinder environment.

So I started to grow up and actually do so, by allowing my mind the reigns instead of my emotions.
化愚化顽。
I don't know for others. It happened to me.

Until my mind came first before emotions... For what was emotions but a prelude to folly? And so they simmered under a still surface, where mere ripples will give a hint of what churns underneath.
Their inclinations siphoned away by a sheer force of logic.
On occasion they burst forth like a tsunami, when my mind was shaken, when there was nothing forceful enough to repeat to myself to still the raw thoughts-
It usually concluded with me chiding myself at the end of it: you idiot who made a fool out of yourself.... Why did you hurt people you idiot? Idiot idiot idiot...

Excess of caution had always been my mantra, since I tried to lock up the emotional and unstable girl I was.
Excess of propriety, for that's where you can't make yourself disagreeable.
Excess of logic, for every damage that I may inflict ought to be taken seriously.
Excess handfuls of salt, for I would always think too much. That would be me being an idiot.

Sometime back then, these excesses ended up fulfilling the opposite of what I had striven to achieve.
Specifically, it hurt someone.
And so I awkwardly started to work around it,
awkwardly tried to drop the inclinations of logic,
awkwardly tried to drop the barriers about me without letting loose the unbalanced person.

And yet there were still things I clung on to- one of it is propriety.
If you'd have it that way, fine: my favourite word.
Whether or not it served me well is a continual battle of wits between the two halves of myself.
My evaluation is skewed.

But thereafter, I fancy I became trapped in the facade of well being.
I masked the true depth of the distraught, attributing it, to anyone who bothered, the failure I was at my academics. Meanwhile, my subjects continued to suffer. I really hadn't energy to pull myself to my feet and show some discipline.
I didn't have the strength to pat my back over such a clever excuse either. But that was a good thing I didn't I guess. Apparently it was as clear as day to my close friends that academics could not by itself do that much.

I recall her advice yet again.
I would never have acted on it, given the state of mind I had then. I had too much faith.

A vertical cliff met me, and every time I stretched my hand upwards to drag my weighted self up, the stones would cut into my hands and my muscles would scream from the fire. Every time I thought I was getting the hang of it, I'd slip.

After a year, I think I can say that the reigns have been returned to my mind.
Everything is changed.
Generally, what was contemplated with a degree of thought has been crushed as foolish and idiotic.

I can't help but wonder what you'd have done if you were there on Thursday.

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Monday, June 17, 2013 8:06 PM

It's all in my mind.

When we think someone hasn't changed, is it by measuring the superficial traits that stayed constant, or will we actually look deeper, to see if the material that made up the heart remained still?

What's the value of memories beyond a tool for masochism since the only constant is change?

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013 11:13 PM

It's all in my mind.

From a third person's perspective, I'm fascinated to contemplate the impossibility of relaying the strong impact of the simplest of actions.

From my own perspective, I can only chide myself once more on the fool that I am.

Yes, the ultimate fool that I am.

Nothing that happens doesn't leave a trail. Somewhere.

I'm a fool to keep that trail,

one that goes straight in...

and with the right pressure,

can break me.

And yet, that last move. I don't do it.
Don't, can't or won't?

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Sunday, June 2, 2013 11:51 PM

It's all in my mind.

Another post whereby I withhold the whole thought process, and show to others merely bits and pieces.
For I don't ever expect people to understand what I'm writing, unless it concerns language.
Worse, I don't ever want people to pry when the answer is staring at their face.
May I be the one to know my thoughts the best, and when I forget the memories leave the realm of the conscious amongst all without a trace.

Your question and eagerness for the answer unsettled me. And if you had read the answer in my eyes... For I remembered again, remembered enough to sufficiently answer your question.

But I couldn't, wouldn't.

It really is queer attempting to talk about the beginning when it's already the end. No, when the end is already dead and gone, and expected to be buried.

What does the start signify, when in the end it all burnt to the ground, leaving scars where it used to stand?
What does the start signify, when it's all gone?

The remembrances of the beginning would be painful, as painful as it used to be happy. Ending on those terms- could it be otherwise?

And yet isn't it still my fault? The start was mine to craft, so aren't all the complexities mine to shoulder, mine to regret? Can I blame the end, when the wrong footing was mine to create?

May I be tormented by my remembrance of it. May I have the courage to face the second ending of this episode on the day I've chosen to curse.

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

~ Profile ~

Tan Jing Yee
River Valley High School
RVNP HotShots! (sec1'08)
~~Shuqun Primary School~~
28 July

~ some quotes ~

♥ But I think... I want to live with all my memories. Even if they're bad memories. Even if they're memories that only hurt me... that I'd rather forget. If I keep them and keep trying, without running away, then someday I'll be strong enough that those memories can't defeat me. I believe that because I want to think that there's no such thing as a memory that's ok to forget.

♥ Pain, suffering. It's pointless to just think about those things. The traveler (referring to "The Most Foolish Traveler" by Natsuki Takaya) didn't. That may be stupid to some people but that's not stupid to me. Yuki... Kyo... when you close your eyes, what do you think?

♥ Just as no matter how hard you try to keep it away... despair will attack you again and again. In the same manner hope will return to you. Again and again.

♥ Someday... no matter how cold it is now... the snow will melt. Without fail.

♥ For there to be pain, there has to be kindness. For darkness to stand out, there has to be the sun.

♥ Maybe I'm not perfect. Maybe I have a long way to go. But someday... someday I'll be able to stand and walk on my own. Without hurting anyone... and without being a burden.

♥ We're all born with selfish desires so we can relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is created individually by each person... So it's easy to misunderstand when someone is trying to be kind to you... But, Tohru, people's differences are something to celebrate.

♥ "And if when everything ends, nothing is left in my hands...that's alright."

♥ Mingling with people, hurting them, getting hurt by them. That's how you learn about people and about yourself. If you don't, you'll never care about anyone but yourself.

♥ I want to be the only one... who can help the one I care about.

♥ "I wish I could have lived... In a kind world. Without anxiety. Without fear. Without hurting other people. Without being hurt myself. Only doing the right things. I wish I could have followed... The shortest path... To the kind world I wish for. I wish... I could have lived my life... Without making any wrong turns. But that is impossible. A path like that doesn't exist. We fail. We trip. We get lost. We make mistakes. And little by little, one step at a time... we push forward. It's all we can do. On our own two feet. Even if we get a little banged up. Someday, we'll reach something. We'll reach someone. We pray."

♥ "Crowds used to make me wonder. How many people would notice if I disappeared? I used to mull over that kind of thing constantly... once upon a time. But now... I'm a little different. It's not like that. It doesn't have to be... A lot of people. Even if it's just one person. That's enough. Having one person... is an incredible thing. Because then... It can't be zero. I was happy. I was happy then, too. I was so happy, it tickled. In the midst of all those people... She singled me out... and found me. And it's the same thing now. Having someone other than yourself... thinking of you. Looking... for you. You can't take that for granted. It's a miraculous and blessed thing."

♥ "... please don't cry anymore. I know that happy things... and fun things.. eventually come to an end. But things that are scary and sad... come to an end too. They always do. Even if you can't always believe that... please don't give up. Live. I want you to live. Even if you make a mistake, even if you take the long way, it's still okay... Just please... please live. Don't give up on pushing forward. Please. At least don't give up on that. Even if I'm not... by your side."

♥ Often times in memory, we have the tendency to overly romanticize the people we care about.

♥ Humans may be fragile creatures, but they're not weak to the extent to being crushed by their painful memories even after they meet with something unfortunate. We're far more resilient that that. Everything will be alright.

♥ "Don't worry, Kanade. What a person has actually gone through is unexpectedly different from what he remembers. Even though that gap may leave him feeling sad sometimes... Even the most vivdly clear memory... will change with time eventually."

♥ "Humans are amazing. Even though they may not see something physically... They'll still sense it. Everything else is the same. If you work hard, others will know that you work hard. If you don't work hard, others will know that you don't work hard."

♥ "Someday... You'll find someone who'll know all your good and bad points... And who'll still love you all the same."

♥ If... There was ever a Land of the Blindfolded, will the people of that land... Understand what it's like to have your blindfold come undone? Even if... Most people will never understand us... There might just be... Someone who can do that. It isn't easy to understand people's feelings... But that doesn't mean... That you're alone.

♥ It is not violence that best overcomes hate — nor vengeance that most certainly heals injury.

♥ The real courage is living and suffering for what you believe.

♥ “If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”

♥ Do not pity the dead, Harry, pity the living. Above all pity those who live without love.

♥ 每一段记忆，都有一个密码。只要时间，地点，人物组合正确，无论尘封多久，那人那景都将在遗忘中重新拾起。你也许会说“不是都过去了吗？”其实过去的只是时间，你依然逃不出，想起了就微笑或悲伤的宿命，那种宿命本叫“无能为力”。

~ Leave your mark~

~Memories~

Click To View

~ Exits ~

Click To View

~ Credits ~