Wednesday, March 30, 2011 4:53 PM
It's all in my mind.
I ought to have noticed. You reach out, first and foremost, to people who are alike you. The main and only thing holding it in place is the similarity, and your will. When it fades, the friendship follows as well.
No matter.
It would be the memories that count.
I shall continue blaming myself.
I knew that it was hard. To be a successful IC and squadmate at the same time, it is a hard line to walk.
And yet.
And yet I made you doubt your efforts, undermined what you represented.
What kind of person am I? What kind of cadet am I?
I imagine now, if the sec 1s, if the cadets did the same. I'd hate them. I'd hate them with all my being- then the hollowness left would engulf me.
And that, minus one step, you have to undergo because of me.
Damn hell, I suck.
I mixed you into my post as a person too deeply, but it was the scene that night that I resented. Combining them... was a lethal combination. I'm sorry.
You deserve better. Because of me, I screwed your relationship with Hotshots.
I suck. Shit.
Labels: Hotshots♥ /RVNP
Tuesday, March 29, 2011 9:34 PM
It's all in my mind.
Zhang Ying commented that day- life is entertainment for other people.
Interesting timing that I suddenly remember it now.
I guess that to an extent, it is what we keep doing every time.
Had you not cried, would we have reacted differently?
It is good you did, or we may have said more that would burden you further.
In jest, maybe. Or perhaps...
During lit class, we looked at this poem. The Hero. Before I could analyse anything... I just got this impression. This feeling that, knowingly or not, the poet feels that pacifying the living's emotions was more important than the truth.
'Jack fell as he'd have wished,' the mother said,
And folded up the letter that she'd read.
'The Colonel writes so nicely.' Something broke
In the tired voice that quavered to a choke.
She half looked up. 'We mothers are so proud
Of our dead soldiers.' Then her face was bowed.
Quietly the Brother Officer went out.
He'd told the poor old dear some gallant lies
That she would nourish all her days, no doubt
For while he coughed and mumbled, her weak eyes
Had shone with gentle triumph, brimmed with joy,
Because he'd been so brave, her glorious boy.
He thought how 'Jack', cold-footed, useless swine,
Had panicked down the trench that night the mine
Went up at Wicked Corner; how he'd tried
To get sent home, and how, at last, he died,
Blown to small bits. And no one seemed to care
Except that lonely woman with white hair.
And folded up the letter that she'd read.
'The Colonel writes so nicely.' Something broke
In the tired voice that quavered to a choke.
She half looked up. 'We mothers are so proud
Of our dead soldiers.' Then her face was bowed.
Quietly the Brother Officer went out.
He'd told the poor old dear some gallant lies
That she would nourish all her days, no doubt
For while he coughed and mumbled, her weak eyes
Had shone with gentle triumph, brimmed with joy,
Because he'd been so brave, her glorious boy.
He thought how 'Jack', cold-footed, useless swine,
Had panicked down the trench that night the mine
Went up at Wicked Corner; how he'd tried
To get sent home, and how, at last, he died,
Blown to small bits. And no one seemed to care
Except that lonely woman with white hair.
But honestly, do we have the right to censor anything from anyone? Especially when it is regarding them?
Do emotions matter more than the truth?
When you stopped crying, you said that it was okay.
I don't think so.
Just to stop us worrying...
But honestly, I won't blame you. Fault is with me, since I wrote it, thought it, felt it.
It isn't a betrayal of trust.
Just because the ending didn't turn out good doesn't mean you should carry the blame.
Mind, I'm not blaming anyone along the chain between me/Kristine... and its eventual destination.
It's my fault, since I wrote it having the realisation that he may read it.
I didn't anticipate the reaction, the end, this situation. But unlike you, I was ready for where it was going. I just played my stakes too high. The result was beyond me.
But I headed there with my eyes open, so to speak. I can blame myself.
You, no. I don't think it was your intention, but even if it is, so what?
Truth is more important than the feelings caught in the middle- that could be your stand, and no one can say that it is wrong.
It's a humbling sensation to know that I was on the verge of commenting something which you could have inferred it to be your fault. That I considered feeling resentful towards... those in the chain besides you... at some point of time.
If you registered my sullen mood following that, it was not triggered by you.
Like what Seow Hwee and Amanda said, without it, he wouldn't have known to make it better. Clearer.
My mood was because I realised that I was close to blaming.
The more I harped on that, the more irritated with myself I felt.
Sorry Xing Yao, I kicked your chair.
Not that you'd begrudge me for that, since you didn't when I accidentally knee-ed you and kicked you during dragon pumping before. Which actually hurt, but this was simply venting.
Of course, you can choose to think badly of me. Since this was more controllable on my part rather than the previous occasions. Sorry. But I'm digressing.
All I want to say is that, regarding this episode, there is only one person I blame.
That person is me.
Labels: Deep Emotions, Hotshots♥ /RVNP
Monday, March 28, 2011 10:48 PM
It's all in my mind.
The story with the nails and the wall.
The one whereby a boy hammers in a nail whenever he's angry and removes one when he's over it...
I finally realise that it's true. All of it.
The irreversible actions.
The lasting scars.
The permanent effects.
The unchanging pain.
Worse, do you realise that the wall is mute? It silently flashes the torns in itself, the holes created in it a silent testament of what it has to undergo.
It haunts nothing but your conscience.
It does nothing in retaliation, though it is in full right to.
Cannot, or will not?
Yet the boy still continues hammering, the whack against the metallic nail and cement wall resonating.
The resonance means nothing to the child, for the outcry of his emotions outweigh it. The surges of anger, bursting forth from a dam- nothing else matters then.
Perhaps a grim sense of satisfaction also, at the end of his work.
Later, he needs to pull the nails out, but the wall wears it almost like a battle scar. Or it shies away from the child, an invisible barrier to keep itself safe. And the boy safe. Maybe the wall knows that the boy would regret.
Yet the strengths is in the child, he calls the shots. Long times it takes, for the nails to come out.
But the marks of violence remain.
It gets harder for the child to pull them out. Is the drain of energy from exertion, one that was missed by the superior emotions? Perhaps... it was added on to a growing discomfort, getting affected by the dark holes in the white wall.
In the end, he accomplishes his task, and learns a life lesson. No harm done, since the wall is an inanimate object.
But for me, now what?
Now what? When whatever I try to say will not get in? When I don't know how to pull out the nails and despair at the scars?
I am alone.
The boy in the story had a wise person alongside him to impart values and teachings. He can't stray much.
But I work alone.
My fault, and I blame myself.
Solidarity.
I am in a bubble, a shell, as are you. But distance just serves to add hurt I give myself.
I am in a stage whereby no one can help me salvage my situation with you. No one.
I don't know how. I can't work with such emotion on your part.
Hate me. I'd deal with it better. Openly detest me, like I deserve. Just don't direct it to yourself. You have done too much to direct more at yourself... my wall.
Labels: Deep Emotions, Hotshots♥ /RVNP, Vague Ponderings
Saturday, March 26, 2011 9:46 PM
It's all in my mind.
HRC... was tedious. But a nice experience...
... Watching the guys breeze through the stations, pressurizing and encouraging squadmates, treking there and back, getting baked in the sun...
Though like what Foong Hui mentioned, this is another step towards the ROD (or, quote, ORD) looming in the background.
But damn, why did my camera run out of batt!! T_T Gr...
and omg I can count about 10 spots of bruises on my legs on top of my sore arms and 'skinned' fingers. 0_0
You emo-ed. I wondered what set it off.
If it was something we were in a position to see, or if it was just the heat getting to you...
You and her both...
I tried to act cheery, and got quite annoying asking you two to not emo I guess.
But on the trek back, I got sufficient time to get my mood into position.
Emo-ness.
Roundabout thoughts, a sigh.
My mind wandering far without my reigning in.
In the end...
But at the end of the day, to quote Amanda, 有收获。HRC, squadmates, dinner... Hm.
I will be uploading my incomplete collection (i.e. my photos are not comprehensive) of the HRC photos on facebook. ITC ones... I may choose some to feature on squad blog.
Cause many in the ITC collection is of the cadets... And I think that that itself reflects a failure on my part.
I remember that I asked Peihao what his definition of friends were before, and after he asked me the same question and I actually gave him one, he commented that I actually had definitions for everything ah.
Perhaps. Then, let me explain my sms smileys.
=D would be a smile showing my teeth, on purpose. Uh duh, I guess it is understood. But it not necessarily would be of ultimate joy, no. Could be, but not necessarily.
=) would be when I smile, or grin. If I laughed at your sms, I may put this smiley. If I am smiling truly at what you wrote, I'd put that as well. Honest smile.
^^ would be quite subjective. Either it is a half-hearted grin... or a grimace.
Labels: Vague Ponderings
Friday, March 25, 2011 10:33 PM
It's all in my mind.
... Guess you didn't need to be a pro at inferencing. I am certain that my response screwed any doubts. Wish my brain worked a little quicker.
It's kinda awkward when you put it that way.
Then again, I'm not blaming you. Really. Really.
To be honest, I tried to get out of your way so you won't remember to talk to me.
I'm just sort of grateful that you and other squadmates tried to cheer me up.
Beyond that... *shakes head*
It's a hard topic to discuss with someone with as much pigheadedness about it being her fault.
More words on it... won't serve anything.
Okay, so you had a perspective.
But it's not the one your heart says.
As I, you were affected. I don't know the impact of the ITC episode on you, but the impact of the email you felt. The words you spoke in NP room to the others, though I tried hard not to feel at, are probable. If you had censored it for my sake... It already made me feel guilt.
Like how it would be every time I look at my own posts. When I look at the email.
Not that it is... unwarranted.
Then, so what if you could have convinced me?
But then, I think my stubborness would have held their own.
So... No point, really.
Labels: Vague Ponderings
Wednesday, March 23, 2011 3:09 PM
It's all in my mind.
Words.
In the end, they're still words. You would have nothing to say anyway, I'd wager...
In the end, there's only one perspective. And to be frank, some part of me expected that.
After all, this is just another instance.
... you felt that I was best at speech? and at writing? really?
Though you didn't tell me that, but I heard from someone, so though you will never find your way here (I think), I thank you.
I'm flattered.
But the truth is, I suck.
Just look at my LA score. I don't deserve the praise.
These things in the past... I can't be credited for anymore.
No longer, at least.
But for all of you who still look at my performance for year 1 and 2, and judge me highly still...
Thank you. ^^
But I'm not worthy.
I think I sounded like I was trying to shirk responsibility. But really, I don't think responsibility agrees with me. I feel... Off, unsettled, unsure of myself when I am without someone beside me to bounce opinions off.
But never mind. There's still time. I'll bank on that.
But never mind. There's still time. I'll bank on that.
Although I just posted on the squad blog on treasuring NOW, a week past I was just thinking this. They are conflicting, but both views are applicable, I think.
It's all very stupid, you know.
Life, in the end, is meaningless.
You arrive as a blank sheet of paper. You leave with nothing in your hands.
They speak of processes. And so what about processes?
Unless you cease to care or feel, every enjoyable feeling will be countered with numerous agitating, offensive ones.
They speak of love. But that itself is fallable, and a variable to so many conditions. Happily ever after does not exist. And so what if you are loved by one when hardly anyone else cares a shit a about you? In the end, you'll be alone once more. What's the point?
Labels: Vague Ponderings
Monday, March 21, 2011 9:33 PM
It's all in my mind.
Shit. Make me cry again. How the hell do I face you?
It's not fair.
It'f not fair that I start crying, rendering my critical self useless.
It's not fair at all, Sir.
Suddenly, I cannot stay pissed off at you.
I disagree, but in light of what you say, what else can I think?
That disagreement portion is so tiny in comparison.
In comparison... to the message sent by your action, by your words, by your self.
My bad, my bad.
After you pour out your emotions, how can I judge you as critically as before?
Even if I disagree, so what?
In the shadow of your love for hotshots, what else can I think? After your confession, what can I say?
Humans are such emotion oriented beings.
If we can still rationalise properly, ignoring the pull of our heartstrings,
Perhaps we care insufficiently.
At first I could have worn a skeptical look on my face. Like what Seow Hwee rightly points out, I don't see that you get my point.
Similarly, I don't see your point about candlelight night. Though you explained the debrief section, it comes down to a different POV about the same situation in the hall.
The only difference I see is that you are pressured by your post. The enthusiasm extended to the NCOs was not allowed to include you.
Perhaps being Sir yourself, the state of the unit would bother you more.
Your love for RVNP would have rendered it relevant.
The lack of a disciplined unit?
I wouldn't know, but I thought it was thus every year? The running, the snatching.
You could draw on experience, I guess. It's not my place to speak.
Or, perhaps, your 5 core values of standard, discipline, initiative, respect, unity?
During CJ CID, we got a professional journalist to share his experiences with us.
In that, he said that the movie producers he critiques always rebut that he doesn't know how much effort it took to produce the movie, etc. He has no right to critique.
He disagrees- he says that not knowing the background his critique is objective. He sees it as an outsider.
It is clearer this way.
If the reverse is true,
Then I guess I had no right to critique. I had to be bias.
I'm sorry, Sir.
"I was not wrong to scold you all, I was wrong to show that I cared more for you all."
I think it is by this line that it all came running down my face.
(Since when was the system so harsh? Of all the things hardest to hold back, it is the things from the heart. Isn't the way your heart points always right? Then why is it wrong to let it lead you?)
I pressed it away, hurriedly, rushing through the line to hope the impact was less.
But no.
By the time he says that he failed as a CI because he was back to being the squad IC of the NCO squad, it wouldn't stop.
Tears like rain.
Yet, a part of me wanted the words on the page to continue on forever. I didn't want to reach the bottom of the page.
The words that you cared for Hotshots, Sir.
I said in my previous post:
Sir, you stepping in at that time only achieved one thing for me: you made the NCOs the cadets' equal.
For one who was trying to hone us from sec 3 cadets into NCOs... (Y)
Well, what does that make me now, since I made you an equal to us NCOs in my post?
What does that make me now, since I made the IC Hotshots loved- loves- most feel like a failure?
Shit.
Debrief-
No, it did not give everyone the wrong idea.
It's just me, I think. With me being oversensitive, perhaps.
Perhaps.
And for this one person, you feel like a failure?
Please. Don't.
Kristine reckons that our post was cruel on Sir.
I see that now, I guess.
Although I will not regret that I posted, I realise that my venting just hurt you more.
I regret not that I posted, but the cutting effect my words had on you.
Because you cared beyond what I expected from you.
Because your emotions were stronger than what I thought possible.
In light of that, my bad, Sir.
I'm sorry, Staff.
I don't have the right to make you feel sad.
I don't have the right to make you feel like a failure.
"I chose this. I have to and shall live through this."
I had no right to add to that, make you feel worse, Sir. I have no right to, since you came back for Hotshots.
I'm sorry.
We are all only human, Sir. But you made our mistake- if any- a crime. And we have now a punishment of which effects are intangible, but ever present.
... I think I managed to condemn you in my post, Sir.
... Seems like I have more to apologise for.
到这个地步，一千一万个对不起已经没有用了。
但是我还是这句：对不起。深深地，对不起。
"I don't know how to put it anymore. Why am I even posting this? Because I damn bloody care. I shouldn't."
And yet you reached out anyway. The fact that Staff lives on in Sir... that's why.
"My reason for coming back as a CI: Nurture you all in the last phase of your NP life; to share whatever I have learnt there with you all, hoping to leave some decent memories in your NCOship. And this time, I've failed myself."
I shall disagree again, Sir.
On the contrary, this episode only serves to amplify how much you care.
The negative effects we feel now...
They will dissipate eventually to reveal the deepening bond.
... I said before, didn't I.
A love hate relationship, if you please.
Either way, ICs and their cadets share a special bond.
You had to read my post, you had to suffer all the ill emotions it aroused within you.
And yet, you comfort me about the cadet.
When I thoroughly don't deserve it anymore, you still did.
While you try to make me/us feel better, you demean yourself.
What the shit did I do?
Mixed feelings.
So many.
I know I had a part in it.
A big part of it.
Perhaps even bigger than the effect of your scolding itself, Sir.
I don't know.
Personally, I don't know how to react to your email.
I don't know, but one thing I do know is that it was heartwrenching.
Beyond the fact that I am primarily responsible for your sense of failure, nothing comes into my mind anymore.
上万个对不起， 我怎么说的出口？
可能现在已经没有意义了。
要挽回一切，太迟了吗？
是我的错，一直都是。
深深的，从心发出来的：对不起。
You should hate me. Maybe I'd get what I deserve.
But Staff, I'm sorry.
Labels: Deep Emotions, Hotshots♥ /RVNP
Wednesday, March 16, 2011 9:35 PM
It's all in my mind.
It is a curious sensation, I wonder if you felt it before.
Listening to that... a grimace forming onto my face, my eyes casting downwards from her earnest face...
Knowing it is the truth she speaks that I am not facing.
Yet knowing... that it shouldn't affect me.
Wondering... if she's in the same position as I.
If I'd known better, I'd have avoided it by now.
Guess I'm just stupid.
But from here, what is my next step?
Nothing, I guess.
There was no hope from the beginning,
nor will there be an end.
You were never tangible.
... just idiocy on my part.
Labels: Vague Ponderings
Monday, March 14, 2011 5:35 PM
It's all in my mind.
WHAT THE SHIT.
Can I ask her to transfer out? Can I seriously ask her to transfer out???
Damn it.
Is her language command so damn shitty that she cannot tell that the message she is sending in each of her different posts are different?
WHERE THE HELL IS HER REAL ATTITUDE? What the hell is her real thoughts?? Her purpose?
Her reflections in NP notebook as well. What the shit.
I change my mind. I don't "don't dare" to take their squad now. I DAMN HELL DON'T WANT TO TAKE HER SQUAD. Or maybe it's just her.
"I think ITC is not that tough yet but I can say it indeed is tiring.. Didn't sleep the whole night to protect our flag but you all just snatched and break it into half and one hit my head..so violent.. :( even more violent during the candlelight night.. Were you hurt then?"
WHAT THE SHIT.
WHAT THE SHIT.
I am really sorry..I know its all our fault that we made you all feel so bad :( I did not mean to hurt you all during the camp..I have been trying to make up to you all because i feel as bad,I know it is a difficult and tiring task for you all and you may want to do something silly.I cant help it but it really hurts alot and i am worried for you when i see your wall.Its all our fault that we failed to satisfy you all and i know we are unwanted people, we may have hurt you all during the candlelight night and we have been very remorseful especially when i saw you all cry..this memory is indeed a bad experience..I really dont know how to make you all feel better except from apologising..No matter what the outcome will be, whether or not we are injured, please do not leave us alone for you all will always be remembered, respected because we know the problem lies with us, failing to please you.. I am really sorry, please forgive us for doing what we have done that may have hurt you all.. :'(
Today
NCO Jing Yee. are you there? May i have a talk with you?..
This ITC is really a bad experience..i know we may have injure you by accident..but i dont know how to make you feel better.
I dont know if i myself have hurt any of you..
It really hurts to see our NCOs cry.. I know we are not up to your standard..
I am really sorry..I know its all our fault that we made you all feel so bad I did not mean to hurt you all during the camp..I have been trying to make up to you all because i feel as bad,I know it is a difficult and tiring task for you all and you may want to do something silly.I cant help it but it really hurts alot and i am worried for you when i see your wall.Its all our fault that we failed to satisfy you all and i know we are unwanted people, we may have hurt you all during the candlelight night and we have been very remorseful especially when i saw you all cry..this memory is indeed a bad experience..I really dont know how to make you all feel better except from apologising..No matter what the outcome will be, whether or not we are injured, please do not leave us alone for you all will always be remembered, respected because we know the problem lies with us, failing to please you.. I am really sorry, please forgive us for doing what we have done that may have hurt you all..
but if i tag..this note will appear in the homepage..
and it wont be that private
Labels: Deep Emotions, Hotshots♥ /RVNP
Sunday, March 13, 2011 3:53 PM
It's all in my mind.
This ITC, a deluge of emotions.
I shall start in the order of how much I felt about it. Two main things, actually.
1. Without the officers, we NCOs are nothing.
2. With the officers, we NCOs are nothing.
(1) is with regard to the rope obs. As sirs correctly debriefed, we were probably ill prepared in doing this. The NP station in combined UG activity as vertical rope- which was totally done by the officers. The horizontal rope challenge in RVNP rope obs was also mainly done by them. Our rope obs succeeded with majority of the credits to the sirs. It was then that this first line popped into my head- NCOs are still dependent on the officers. And the support of the officers we love and respect is highly important to us; without which, we would probably have screwed part of ITC.
It leads me to (2). Which actually is a nice way to phrase what I truly think.
... I warned you all that I don't censor things here for any reader, didn't I? I will not censor what I have to say because there is an audience. In my blog, it's the one time I will not reign in my thoughts.
This is something I really feel about. And no one, NO ONE, will succeed in changing my mind unless you yourself speak. I pride myself as being wonderful in firing down objections. ^^
"你们以为你们NCOs就很大啊？"
So, what? You see the need to put us down in front of the cadets?
Sir. You were the one to say that a successful NCO is someone who gets the cadets' trust, respect, and they know they can confide in.
Sir. Can you truthfully say that you did not breech that?
What kind of eyes do you want the cadets to look at us with after that?
There is one female whom the NCO squad unanimously frowns at right now. She breeched that inexplicable bond between NCOs and their cadets. I have dedicated an entire post on it.
You, sir. You scoff when you hear her actions.
And? Sir.
And what?
It is conflicting, isn't it? ^^ Both your actions serve the same purpose.
Let me digress for a moment.
I remember that when Sir came back to be CI, I was really touched. He was an impactful IC, and he came back to watch over us again. The feeling... Is beyond words.
-sidetrack again: If he is reading this post right now, I am not embarrassed to admit that when he came back during ITC'10, when we did the fruit cheer for him, I cried. There's a reason why Hotshots went about redeeming the flag from our NCOs immediately at any cost when you asked us to.-
I recall that I was hugely disappointed.
The person who came back was not the Staff that I remembered, but a different officer altogether.
I don't remember the specifics, but I know I preferred Staff. He cared.
As sir, he didn't.
After we rose to become NCOs, the Staff came back. It's just that he was higher rank than before.
In the end, there was no difference anymore.
To me, it feels as if the IC was back.
So it seemed.
But who was the one who screamed at us after candlelight night? I am embarrassed on his behalf that it is the same human being as the one who debriefed us afterwards. Smiling as he did on the exact same topic. You managed to disappoint your cadet, Sir.
If it means anything to you, Sir. If it means anything to you, Staff.
Embarrassed that the NCO squad was being scolded in front of the cadets?
It goes beyond that.
After that scolding, Sir. I was ready to throw in the towel and say straight to your face that I resign. 我不希罕做你的cadet。我不希罕做你的NCO。I give up being under you.
Such a disappointment in the IC I looked up to so much.
I am not sure why my squadmates cried. Perhaps it was because of the injustice of it all.
But Sir, I was angry.
To me, there is no reasonable explanation for your scolding.
The casualties- Michele got injured at her eye. Sylvia got jabbed at with a broken end of a flag. Xing Yao and Ken were viciously kicked at. Madeleine was clawed. Shou Fong found bruises on her hands. Do you want to guess who inflicted that?
But these are just things I knew about. What about casualties I didn't hear of since I was taking the sec1s?
I don't know about the other squads, but none of the sec1 cadets were injured as a result of the flag snatching. Junianti and Pei Hao compiled the casualty list and commented that the NCO squad had the most casualties.
Do you want to bet that it is NOT because the cadets didn't want to report and show the NCOs in a bad light, but that it is us NCOs who did not lift a feather to hurt them?
Cadet welfare. PLEASE TELL ME, WHO IS GOING TO CARE ABOUT THE NCOS' WELFARE?
In your debrief, you asked rhetorically that "为了flag , 跟小孩子抢 , 受伤,值得吗?"
Sir, I don't think it is our fault that our cadets are destructive, vicious idiots. Could we anticipate that the cadets 会这么不择手段? Could we? Sir.
And yet, in your scolding, what was your point?
"NCOs! Was there a need to snatch flag until all the flags were broken? Until people are injured because of that? That the cadets have to protect the flags until they knock over chairs and get hurt?"
Were these your exact words? No, I cannot quote without paper and pen. But Sir, don't you see the injustice of this all?
If, by now, you don't even see where I am coming from, Sir... Then I can only say that I will lose all respect for you. All those years of building us from cadets, Sir. In one night.
You told us NCOs to repair every single flag we broke, by 9.30pm by any means.
Sir. The only difference I see between this year's candlelight night and previous years' is because not all the flags were broken. The previous batches of NCOs weren't imposed upon by officers to fix the cadets' flags.
There are so many factors to a flag breaking. Why do you consider that it is the determined way the NCOs snatched at them, not the way the cadets pulled without any systematic way and in all directions? Why not the quality of the pole itself?
Sir Kuan Yuan negotiated, and told the sec1s that they would repair the flags that they felt was broken because of them and NCOs would repair those that cadets think was caused by NCOs.
Out of three flags, want to guess how many the sec1s suggested?
All.
Does it come as any surprise? Though it takes two to clap, two to break... Theoretically then, the sec1s should fix 1.5 flags?
Is it any surprise that we have to fix all three?
And thanks to your scolding, we as ICs can't scold the squad for their earlier disrespect. Or of injuring NCOs. Or of their standard. With your scolding hanging in the background, the cadets would think that we are scolding them because we were scolded. Humiliated. Whatever.
Perhaps we were a bit overboard with the highness this time. Perhaps NP looked crazy infront of other UGs. Maybe there were cadet casualties.
But Sir. Did you look clearly enough before scolding us in the context of the hall?
Did you have to scold the NCOs infront of the cadets?
Are you even justified in scolding us NCOs?
I don't think you can be.
I fancy to myself. If it were Staff that was scolding us instead of Sir. If our sec 2 squad IC was the one scolding us, the NCO squad, he'd listen to our side before scolding objectively.
Sir. What was your purpose in scolding us there and then?
"scold objectively and with a purpose"- your own words, Sir.
Sir, you stepping in at that time only achieved one thing for me: you made the NCOs the cadets' equal.
For one who was trying to hone us from sec 3 cadets into NCOs... (Y)
Debrief, you held a totally different attitude from scolding.
All smiles.
If this is your style when debriefing or talking to our- your- squad, I have nothing to say.
The same thing- in front of an audience, you put us down. With us, you try to lighten our mood?
Sorry. Damage done. To me, it will never be the same again.
You said to Freda that come ITC, I'll be the Tan Jing Yee you knew.
Sir. What about you? ITC is here- who are you?
Sir, I cannot deny that you are probably a good CI. You know your stuff. CD knowledge is inscribed in the back of your hand. But Sir, you know you are also fallable. The situation with the rope obs. Telling us how we should teach, did you handle the situation yourself well enough that night/early morning?
Don't be offended, Sir. Since Hotshots stepped up, I finally realised that NCOs are only human. If so, it only follows that officers are, likewise, human- only more experienced.
We are all only human, Sir. But you made our mistake- if any- a crime. And we have now a punishment of which effects are intangible, but ever present.
*I cried. Even though I know that Kristine and Junianti said that crying serves no purpose and cannot change anything, I cried. Even though Michele, Shou Fong and Amanda tried to convince me that it is not my fault, that accidents happen, I cried.
Once I started, I couldn't stop. There was that overwhelming sense of guilt and failure.
I was the one who pointed her out to do the switch side window. I was one of whom who held her hand down. Seeing that she injured her thumb... It is 90% likely that it is caused by me.
She is one of the AP cadets in the sec1 squad. But it just makes me feel worse that I probably would cause her impression of NP to go down even worse.
.... how do I face that squad?
Kristine or Junianti said that if I really think that it's my fault, I could go and ask how she was, apologise or something.
You don't feel the crushing weight of the guilt, and yet how I cannot get myself to step down and do that. I don't know how to apologise.
The horror of the fact that I was the cause suffocated me.
I don't know how to face it.
I am remarkably weak in this area.
I don't know how to climb to my feet.
Make me fall hard, and I cannot find my way up properly again.
How can I hold my head straight taking the sec1s when I am assaulted by myself in the core of my being?
It welled over, and every other thought that rose to my head caused the flood of tears to continue.
Come next act, what do I do? What can I do? I don't dare to take them anymore.
I knew something was wrong when she landed. I felt something wrong in the silence. How her breathing became audible.
How she gasped when Sir Raymeo gently moved her finger, how he asked someone to look for Mr Oh.
Punching the wall was far from enough. I should have slammed my head against the wall.
I don't know what to do. No response is correct, yet the lack of is the wrong answer.
I don't know what to do. I want bury my head in the soil. I don't want to be faced with the situation
This is why I should never be placed into leadership positions. I am at a loss.
Only when it's smooth sailing do I float.
Eventually, eventually, eventually. My tears ceased only to flow again, but at the end, I was greeted with fatigued hollowness.
I didn't want to take their squad anymore. I couldn't face up to what was my fault. Stupid, since I screamed at the sec1s today for not facing up to their mistakes of injuring NCOs intentionally over a flag.
Can I just slam myself against a wall? Will that help?
But I didn't get what I wanted. Avoiding squadmates first because of my red nose, swollen eyes and teary face; avoiding the sec1s subsequently, trying to hide my swollen eyes from them; but when Kristine cried during the candlelight night episode, I was induced to join the remaining two sec1 ICs. When they were needed at the back to respectively repair flag and remove the road obs, I was left with debriefing the sec1s. As I debriefed from the beginning, I skimmed over the road obs. I forgot how I did that- I think I just suddenly mentioned candlelight night dance.
Obviously, I haven't faced up to the elephant in the room.
But I don't dare to.
It's pathetic.
But there's this barrier I cannot cross in my heart.
Labels: Deep Emotions, Hotshots♥ /RVNP
Tuesday, March 8, 2011 10:24 PM
It's all in my mind.
Correct. One point for each of you. ^^
I don't know you well enough. I'm sorry that I keep doing that.
I quote you to the cadets. All the time. Such that it gets annoying.
You tell me for the first time...
Well, I didn't know that that was opinion shared to me, not supposed to be with the sec 1s.
But can you blame me?
In my perspective, you are just refusing to speak, as usual.
Like during debrief, like during act, like how you rarely give commands during drill. Like how you comment, but let me voice out instead.
I'm sorry, it obviously pissed you off for that moment.
But in my perspective, do you see?...
... our coordination is failed.
Screwed, basically.
We don't freely say what we think. After all, we consider that there may be conflicting opinions. What may be puke inducing on my part may be not that serious to you. What may be commendable in my eyes you may feel a great room for improvement.
In the end? We just keep discussing. We don't come to a consensus.
.. with regard to our own squad too.
Hotshots.
Differing opinions.
I may not like it at all. But for me, squadmates are an exception.
And, how do I open my mouth to say it?
I don't know how.
Strict as I am with the cadets, I just don't judge my squadmates similarly.
I know I don't like it.
But I overlook it.I may want to scream with incredulity, bang my head in exasperation,
but in the end, I will take it as it is.
It's their style.
I can't stop them, I can't change them.
I just purse my lips and make sure any dissatisfaction vanishes.
It does, actually.
But you don't like it, do you?
^^
As DM, I don't always approve of it either.
But what can I say?
I grow too soft to my squadmates.
I just don't want ties to sour.
I will live with it.
But I see your point.
I don't want to be in this tug of war with my consciousness.
Both sides are important.
Squadmates on both sides.
... what do I do? ^^
Stop allowing me to have my way because you fear that I don't like it.
"Jared ate anything he was offered; it seemed as if he'd given up favourites many years before, embracing a life where wants are unwelcome and even needs were carefully assessed before they were met."
Can I use this quote to say that I will take everything that comes- even if I disapprove, so what?
I will swallow it whole.
Unless it is something I viciously oppose (ref. last post), I will just give opinions.
Stop following my opinion just because I impose the idea repeatedly on you.
Stop following my opinion because you are worried I won't like it otherwise.
Stop following my opinion because you fear me.
Stop it. It makes me feel even worse.
Even if I disapprove, so what?
Even if I sulk and purse my lips, so what?
Decisions shouldn't revolve around me just because I reached the fear factor.
If you have an opinion, say it.
If I am doing wrong, tell me.
If you disagree, speak up.
Don't make me guess- I guess wrongly.
Stop giving me surprises that I will take too hardly.
Tell me upfront.
Fellow squad ICs. Squadmates.
Please.
Labels: Deep Emotions, Hotshots♥ /RVNP
Friday, March 4, 2011 10:37 PM
It's all in my mind.
I hope you don't imply that the NCO squad has no discipline.
I hope you don't mean that it's us sec 1 squad ICs who did not treat our cadets with the basic dignity of a human being.
You say that we, the NCO squad, is the sole benchmark for the cadets' discipline. (well, I am glad that it does not take yours)
True, I guess, but what did you imply about our standards beyond that?
You have an issue with our squadmates "slacking away" in NP room. Do you fail to notice the size of Hotshots? How, pray tell, do you want us to solve this problem of having nothing to do at times when all the other batches before us failed to?
Even if the relevant comms take lesson, take pt, take cd and cc, not everyone can be involved every act, right? And since we want to tailor a unique development of the various squads, how can we have room to fit in all these lessons? When, for instance, their discipline is not there?
You have an issue with how we take the cadets.
But since you have acknowledged that we are not insane enough to scold the cadets when there is no fault done, pray tell what your TO from the other school is.
"Pump them!" (i.e. us?)
You said that you chose not to follow that- it wasn't your style.
Hello, if you did, you had better not call us extreme.
Pump the NCO squad for disciplining the cadets?
Knock knock~
... You keep contradicting yourself, do you know that?
You say you see where we come from- you get what we mean.
Pur-lease. Tell me another one.
With all due respect (or the due LACK of) how do you expect us NCOs to bond with the cadets beyond act?
You suggested caring about their lives beyond NP? Chatting with them about their life, to show that we care?
-_-
... Like, seriously, which UG did you come from? You say "been there done that"? I seriously doubt it. You say that you have no experience of tradition, and of ITC... Well, I'd add on that you don't have the relevant knowledge in regard to NP. With your ideas, you are either years ahead of time, that's why it sounds like gibberish to me, or that you have no clue about NPCC nor NCC. Which therefore deems your previous knowledge useless in your current post.
Not only what Ken said, that we are not going down to that level to be their friends, or we wouldn't command their respect during act.
To me, NCOs just don't bond with their cadets like that.
We have been NP cadets too. Don't think that we haven't been through this. We know, to an extent.
I know that the bond between squad ICs and the squad they take goes beyond this. From experience, being a cadet.
Call it a love/hate relationship if you will. It is the tears and joy and care that we feel from the ICs that bond us to them. The ICs and cadets share a special bond.
At the beginning, we will never understand their rationale. We may even hate them for their expectations, how they push us. But in the end, we still feel their effort, if not their care for us. We love them back.
This is something you cannot rush- and yes, cadets may transfer before they realise this. But it worked before and there is no reason why it will not work again.
In the end, love prevails, isn't it?
You see where we come from? Obviously not. Otherwise you wouldn't have stuck on so doggedly with your point, as if all the words before was lost on you.
Of course it was.
Oh, and wanting all the cadets to acknowledge us with "Hi NCO" or whatever it is they do?
Uh, I think it is totally their choice if they want to or not.
I usually do. With a nod, or a smile.
But if the cadets don't want to because they feel it weird, or don't know how to address us outside of act, or whatever at all...
It is not a reflection of the NCO squad's success or failure.
They would recognise their NCOs. I recognise my NCOs. It comes down to a very personal decision that NOTHING can be inferred from. Oh, but maybe about their concept of respect to NCOs outside of act.
Speaking of respect.
That incident with the sec2 squad during CC? It's a perfect example of how you are not respecting the NCO squad as the cadet's NCO. What does that imply about your own character, pray tell? What does it show about your attitude towards the Non Commisionary Officers under you?
Under- though they had more experience in RVNP than you?
It is not fair, truly madly deeply unfair. We are the ones with the cadets all act. It is not fair that you come along and do things that will make us have to face the repercussions of your interference.
For goodness sake, we're the ones paying for your interference. Birch paid for his own.
If you reign our actions, don't hold us responsible when your ideologies give you disastrous results. We are doing things by what we know worked- it is just fine tuning it to suit the individual squads, the individual styles.
You are suggesting a whole new world. But the consequences of which, if we adopt, will be on us, not you.
Can you blame us for ignoring your suggestions, then?
I remember that, last STC, when you first turned up, one of my squadmates "sensed change".
Yes, but I didn't know it'd be this severe.
Please don't let me have you as my teacher next year. I'll be miserable, and if you would feel unhappy looking at my black face...
Well, I'm sorry. You are the embodiment of all I can't stand in regards to authority.
Labels: Deep Emotions, Hotshots♥ /RVNP
Thursday, March 3, 2011 6:34 PM
It's all in my mind.
And you whom I don't personally know. I wonder if it's a trait of your class to use such words, or maybe you would use it on us just because we are of different UGs. Is what you are saying adding up? What is your purpose in using this vocab? Or the lack of?
Both of you, congratulations. Before I truly know you two, you have utterly destroyed any neutral feelings I ever had for you.
Good job. (Y)
踏出第一步的你， 我应该怎么感谢你呢？因为你的举动，我得到一个这么好的朋友。。。 Furthermore, I never do say anything. I was never the one to speak first.
Yet you still reach out.
You are truly a natural at this. Really. I can almost envy you for that.
... I cannot thank you enough for the friendship you extended.
I only wonder if I am good enough to even deserve this.
I doubt.
Labels: Deep Emotions
Tuesday, March 1, 2011 8:01 PM
It's all in my mind.
Am I hearing things? The reflection is the best thing in NP? She likes it? Nice...
Cool down, cool down.
They are just sec 1s.
...
I am tired of hearing that, seriously.
Of course, perhaps it is truly an issue with me.
I. Can't. Stand. Their. Fidgeting.
How many times have I said it in this single act?
Thrice within the first 15 min? Want to bet?
It seems like I have scolded them for that a hundred times by bersurai.
Their volume.
How pathetic is that that when they greeted Sir Raymeo and Sir Jonathan, it was as good as mice squeaking? Did they even sedia? Did they even open their mouths? God.
Greeting Mr Oh, how can they have not heard the beris diam? Never mind. But their greeting was vomit inducing.
PE shirts not tucked in. Do they take us as blind or what?
What's wrong with tucking your PE into your slacks?
What's wrong with tucking your PE into your slacks?
The next time I see an untucked shirt again, I am really going to scream at them. Even louder than I did in 1B classroom.
I realise that if I'm pissed off at them, I cannot really suppress it. Unlike Kristine, I truly can't help it.
Of course, I could run until I am fatigued ttm.
But apart from that, they just need to push me over the edge for me to explode at them.
如果有洁癖，那我的叫什么？Discipline癖？
Seriously.
When I get worked up at them, I will get really agitated. I don't think there's a point asking me to chill, really. I can't make myself apathetic, so I just swing in the other extreme.
Basic discipline.
Can't they follow instructions?
STOP. FIDGETING.
DON'T. ADJUST.
WANT TO SHIFT, ASK FOR PERMISSION.
I have a long way to go.
The sec 1s have a looooooooooonng way to go.
Their failure is a reflection of our failure? What the hell.
I know you said it just slipped out, and I should try to be more understanding,
but how come you just manage to let slip points that I will bang my head for the fact that you said it?
Please don't even THINK them.
Then they won't slip out.
Their failure is a reflection of our failure?
I'm sorry, but I think this is something really premature to say to them.
They don't give a heck about whether it's your failure. They don't care about you to care about your success. They may never give a damn.
But I assure you, that if they hear that, they will think that we push them so hard, force them to conform, all to reflect our success.
We punish them, because we failed.
Rubbish.
... I don't even want to wonder why I am doing this.
青出于蓝而胜于蓝。
Perhaps eventually that's what we want to achieve.
Long long longgggggggg way to go, sec 1s.
When I focus hard, I realise the differences. There is hardly any similarity that I can conclusively speak of. The features are so different.
Yet, why do I get this impression, this impression that they are similar?
I am so tempted to ask.
But that would be so wrong, since their surnames aren't even the same. I'm stupid.
I don't cease being stupid. It's been 5 years, and yet I cannot get over what was in 2005.
... I am truly an idiot.
Hate it. Really do.
Labels: Deep Emotions, Hotshots♥ /RVNP
