"I can tell you this- if the whole human race, ourselves excepted, were swept away, and we two stood alone on the earth , I would leave you in the old world, and betake myself to the new."
When I write here, I want to capture the thoughts and feelings I had at that particular moment,
what something managed to induce in me at that exact time.
But time.
And it doesn't help at all that words fail me.
There're thoughts that belong here that are not here... yet.
There're thoughts that belong in me, just me... but trapped in an incoherent cycle,
the entire mess shoved into a silent corner of my being.
但是我可是很善忘的。
没有早些把它们印着，迟早会遗忘。
我就怕遗忘。
Tuesday, February 14, 2012 11:05 PM
It's all in my mind.
Okay, ignoring the front bit with the hectic Friendship Day sales... ^^ I'm grateful for today.
Really, really, really. =)
Part of me was worrying about today's party at NP room, the one thrown for UOPA Gold.
Somehow, there was just this impression that there were quite few squadmates going. Also, the fact that it would be held in NP room meant to me that those in attendance would, most probably, be the current batch of NCOs and... the higher ups.
Not sure what there'd be to look forward to. ^^
But in the end, half of Hotshots turned up. ^^
In the reading room, chatting away like nobody's business, less than half our attention given to homework... That awesome atmosphere, it feels as if I hadn't been in contact with for a long time. ^^ Squadmates ftw, seriously~♥
The awkwardness... set in rather when we were in the canteen.
In a way, everyone there had to be there.
The two squads of cadets, the NCO squad, the CIs, the TOs. They had a place in the entire process.
... Where does Hotshots fit in this setting, this during-act-mood?
We only belong with ourselves, don't we? ^^
In a sense, we were conducted eventually to go to the centre of the place, yet there we generally kept to ourselves still.
There was one bit that made me feel... a bit down.
The current sec threes, with all spontaneity, went to fall in by the side and started doing hentak while cheering... Some cheer that I didn't exactly catch, but which was dedicated obviously to their NCOs.
I'm not their IC, but I felt lonely listening to them cheer.
It's a queer feeling, knowing that the cheer wasn't for their previous batch of ICs, but the current one. A queer, lonely feeling, when we have to watch that. When I watched them.
The thought was undoubtedly commendable...
But it's almost as if... we'd been taken for invisible.
Not that I've a right to complain. Hey, not my squad. ^^ And we have stepped down.
But that queer feeling...
*shrug*
... To my Superlatives, I'm more than grateful.
That they bothered to, I'm grateful.♥
For the thought, I'm grateful.
For their smiles, I'm grateful.
Still there's this little part of me, whilst feeling grateful, can feel bad to their current ICs.
Whilst we're still around, I think we'll just be dividing their... attention span, their hearts.
And... it's their squad already.
The bilibanja and "Thank you/I love you"s... ^^ It'd have been complete if Kristine were here too. But really...
I'm fortunate.
There feels like a lot more that I felt regarding this bit of today, but perhaps due to the time my brain isn't supplying the sentiments or words- I'll leave it here for now.
♥ ... Yes, I really have a lot to be grateful for... For getting more than I deserve. ^^ Thank... you.More than I can say. =)
The wife has heart disease, lying on the hospital bed. She said to the husband ,"you good for nothing, faster sign my operation form!" The husband looked at the wife lovingly and slowly signed it. After the operation ended, the wife asked the nurse ,"where is my heartless husband?" the nurse passed her a note which had a heart drawn on it and the words "dear, that is the last thing I can give you."
Jiawen had cried over the love in the story (this is the message that she sent me translating and summarizing the story she read by the way, not the original text). For me, besides the initial 心酸，I remember telling Jiawen that I'd hate the guy for 自作主张。 Then again, hate seems to be the wrong word.
But, really! How dare he decide to leave his wife in a world without him? Even if he treasured his wife and just wanted her to live on, healthily and happily no matter the price, how dare he decide to trade his life for hers?
To have done that, yes, he must have valued her life over his. His love gave him the courage for the sacrifice- or the trade off.
But what if the wife felt that same way? or, what if the wife felt that the husband had more to give to the world than she, that he was more worth living than her?
If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the Universe would turn into a mighty stranger. I should not seem like a part of it.
This quote is from Wuthering Heights, and exactly my point. Where does the husband want his wife to draw strength to live on? How does he want her to overcome the immense guilt that would follow her through the rest of her living days? Knowing that every breath she took was his gift to her?
Will that be strength enough? He gave her his heart- literally. But did he leave enough in her to keep that heart brave enough to keep thumping?
... I don't know. Maybe I'm being biased seeing from the living's point of view, and perhaps I'm stupid thinking so much about a mere story. Ughh. Words are failing me seriously...
Wednesday, February 8, 2012 11:10 PM
It's all in my mind.
Relationships fall and whither because eventually someone stops trying and it doesn't feel the same. The first couple of months or even years it may be the best thing you ever wished for, but eventually someone loses feelings, gets to busy, or doesn't even bother to try. You know why? Because they're comfortable. The beginning is all about the chase. Can you keep up? If you can then you'll get the hang of it and then you won’t want to try anymore. You aren't afraid to lose them because they're yours. Arguing leads to fighting and it just gets worse from there. It all flashes by so fast. So, cherish what you have.
Not that I have the relevant experience to comment, but it sounds... true.
It sounds true.
That's saddening, that prospect.
但愿我们大家对关心，珍惜的人……不会忘了最初的感动，
找得到继续走下去的理由、信心。
即使永恒真的很难达到，但是至少往后看时不会感到后悔，可惜。
♥
~ Profile ~
Tan Jing Yee
River Valley High School
RVNP HotShots! (sec1'08) Shuqun Primary School
28 July
~ some quotes ~
♥ But I think... I want to live with all my memories. Even if they're bad memories. Even if they're memories that only hurt me... that I'd rather forget. If I keep them and keep trying, without running away, then someday I'll be strong enough that those memories can't defeat me. I believe that because I want to think that there's no such thing as a memory that's ok to forget.
♥ Pain, suffering. It's pointless to just think about those things. The traveler (referring to "The Most Foolish Traveler" by Natsuki Takaya) didn't. That may be stupid to some people but that's not stupid to me. Yuki... Kyo... when you close your eyes, what do you think?
♥ Just as no matter how hard you try to keep it away... despair will attack you again and again. In the same manner hope will return to you. Again and again.
♥ Someday... no matter how cold it is now... the snow will melt. Without fail.
♥ For there to be pain, there has to be kindness. For darkness to stand out, there has to be the sun.
♥ Maybe I'm not perfect. Maybe I have a long way to go. But someday... someday I'll be able to stand and walk on my own. Without hurting anyone... and without being a burden.
♥ We're all born with selfish desires so we can relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is created individually by each person... So it's easy to misunderstand when someone is trying to be kind to you... But, Tohru, people's differences are something to celebrate.
♥ "And if when everything ends, nothing is left in my hands...that's alright."
♥ Mingling with people, hurting them, getting hurt by them. That's how you learn about people and about yourself. If you don't, you'll never care about anyone but yourself.
♥ I want to be the only one... who can help the one I care about.
♥ "I wish I could have lived... In a kind world. Without anxiety. Without fear. Without hurting other people. Without being hurt myself. Only doing the right things. I wish I could have followed... The shortest path... To the kind world I wish for.
I wish... I could have lived my life... Without making any wrong turns. But that is impossible. A path like that doesn't exist. We fail. We trip. We get lost. We make mistakes. And little by little, one step at a time... we push forward. It's all we can do. On our own two feet. Even if we get a little banged up. Someday, we'll reach something. We'll reach someone. We pray."
♥ "Crowds used to make me wonder. How many people would notice if I disappeared? I used to mull over that kind of thing constantly... once upon a time. But now... I'm a little different. It's not like that. It doesn't have to be... A lot of people. Even if it's just one person. That's enough. Having one person... is an incredible thing. Because then... It can't be zero. I was happy. I was happy then, too. I was so happy, it tickled. In the midst of all those people... She singled me out... and found me. And it's the same thing now. Having someone other than yourself... thinking of you. Looking... for you. You can't take that for granted. It's a miraculous and blessed thing."
♥ "... please don't cry anymore. I know that happy things... and fun things.. eventually come to an end. But things that are scary and sad... come to an end too. They always do. Even if you can't always believe that... please don't give up. Live. I want you to live. Even if you make a mistake, even if you take the long way, it's still okay... Just please... please live. Don't give up on pushing forward. Please. At least don't give up on that. Even if I'm not... by your side."
♥ Often times in memory, we have the tendency to overly romanticize the people we care about.
♥ Humans may be fragile creatures, but they're not weak to the extent to being crushed by their painful memories even after they meet with something unfortunate. We're far more resilient that that. Everything will be alright.
♥ "Don't worry, Kanade. What a person has actually gone through is unexpectedly different from what he remembers. Even though that gap may leave him feeling sad sometimes... Even the most vivdly clear memory... will change with time eventually."
♥ "Humans are amazing. Even though they may not see something physically... They'll still sense it. Everything else is the same. If you work hard, others will know that you work hard. If you don't work hard, others will know that you don't work hard."
♥ "Someday... You'll find someone who'll know all your good and bad points... And who'll still love you all the same."
♥ If... There was ever a Land of the Blindfolded, will the people of that land... Understand what it's like to have your blindfold come undone? Even if... Most people will never understand us... There might just be... Someone who can do that. It isn't easy to understand people's feelings... But that doesn't mean... That you're alone.
♥ It is not violence that best overcomes hate — nor vengeance that most certainly heals injury.
♥ The real courage is living and suffering for what you believe.
♥ “If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”
♥ Do not pity the dead, Harry, pity the living. Above all pity those who live without love.
