The void sucks me in.

Thursday, January 30, 2014 6:20 PM

It's all in my mind.

There are some people who will continue to interact while knowing that they detest each other.

It doesn't work with me that way.

If I know your impression of me has been tarnished to an extent I do not find likely to salvage, I would rather cut ties.
As such, I will have no regrets. If I have to leave all of them behind, I will do it happily.

Extreme, yes. But to people who resolutely decide to deviate from my values, feeling, logic etc, I see no hope interacting.

Disgusting. The extent to which you irk me is beyond words.

Lucky that you have one daughter who can actually see anything optimistic out of this whole thing. How that experience is valuable and useful in building her character.

How deformed your organ of logic has to be to think that we love him solely because we receive pocket money from him. How tainted your view can be to think so pathetically of all three at once. How lowly are you degenerated to think it truth enough to proclaim before all those relatives. How dare you.

Respect is earned. You have depleted it all.

Never will I be manipulated into thinking my father the bad guy again. Never will I be influenced into thinking my sister deserves what she gets. And most of all never will I allow you to step over me again.

All the seen and unseen psychological effects I have to live with for the rest of my life- I leave no pity for you for continuing to inflict more emotional damage.

If you let us off to allow us space, I would even pity you. For how you're also losing, in this state of affairs. For how you're a victim of the same, in the previous round.
If you let us off, we might even return.
To continue smothering every semblance of character by virtue of the birth I could not have helped- and thinking you have all the right!- I detest you.

I said that the beauty of human beings is that they can change. You prove to be the exception.
People consider the ability to reflect a gift to humans. You don't appear to be utilising it.

Have you ever bothered thinking beyond the term "rebellious phase"? Haven't you adults always taken cover behind it instead of comprehending its complications? It's high time to.

Just as she said, we detach ourselves to retain our objectivity. We detach ourselves to escape to emotional pressure you unfairly impose onto us.
Isn't the reason for rebellion because adults attempt to force us into the mould that fails to fit?
Isn't it because you are threatening the foundation of our being, our identity?

There isn't a light at the end of the tunnel.

Even at daybreak, the darkness inside is my companion.

And every time I thought you changed, you prove that I was wrong.

Labels: Deep Emotions

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014 11:25 PM

It's all in my mind.

我就不相信。
我就不相信不读参考书就通不了面试。
不是我自大，认为我懂得比作者多。但是为了得到一份工作，要我背参考书？
还说大家都是这样的… 真的是太夸张了。
如果必须背出标准答案才能通过面试，那我不稀罕那份工作。
如果面试是为了找出一群机器，那就免了。
面试，如果不是为了了解我的为人，有何用处？
面试，如果是为了请一群记性一流的人，我不适合。
最终，最讨厌就是人家把我当数字。每个人都是有性格，有思想，有梦想，活着的人！

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Sunday, January 26, 2014 12:39 AM

It's all in my mind.

It amuses me how I teetered on the edge of writing this.

Being affected by the emotions, I switched to doing something totally different in order to dilute the emotions.

Funny that I remember it now, but wasn't I told before that the senses and emotions were the key thing one should focus on?

I'm still choosing to run away from it sometimes...

I keep trying to convince myself that it was to be expected.

It was a good thing I already started to reign in my hopes and expectations-

they were clearly misplaced.

What can I say?

I probably should not have been so confident.

So egoistic.

I thought that everything considered, I still had a chance.

I suppose practicality won out.

No, scratch that. I suppose I just thought too highly of myself.

Is this what they call vanity?

Soaking in people's encouragements,

People's misplaced trust in my capability.

The truth of my incompetence should be slapped in my face more often.

On what merit have I got to where I was today?

Perhaps none but the backs of people who have too kindly stretched their hand out to me,

those who allowed me to benefit off their knowledge, their hard work.

I guess this is part one of fate putting me in my place.

I wonder if it would be too much to hope that part two... doesn't reveal itself alongside the results for A levels.

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014 10:17 PM

It's all in my mind.

Delayed reaction.

All of a sudden I realise how much information I've lost by having my phone re-formatted.
The last time I needed to worry about that, the reason was so different.
The panic as I tried to backup my memo.
The sense of relief as I learnt how to backup my messaging memory.
How I backed up my whatsapp history.
How I finally managed to change my phone in peace.

Delayed loss.

The hundred over memos.
All the half formed notions.
All the half complete blog drafts.
All the words I wanted to say, but found no platform.
All the thoughts that came through my mind amidst tears, exhilaration, dreariness.
Even the incomplete story arcs that I wanted to ponder on further, before they took flight in fiction.

I mourn for it.

The strength that emerged through tears. The resolve in my thoughts as the world around me collapsed to dust, and rebuilt itself in one night. The rigid ideals that led to my personal essay.

The whispers that went through my mind as my heart grew heavy. When I suddenly found myself trapped between two dimensions, one where my being sat- the other where my person looked through to what was embedded beneath the surface.

They're all gone.

All the more a pity, for coherence slips through my fingers.
They come, then they go.
If I attempt to return to that moment in time,
If I attempt to recreate the sensations felt,
Disappointment is my only yield.

What could be worse?

What's worse... is that I can see as my mind languishes,
My language fall apart,
My expression falter.

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014 11:18 PM

It's all in my mind.

This keeps playing in my head... Fitting too. Perfect for the manga I'm reading.

Hiyokoi.
Kimi no Todoke.

I guess it's stupid to be thus affected by manga.
Shojo manga, no less.
And not even over the plot... but the characters.

I was so excited to read Kimi no Todoke.
Just like I became interested to read Ouran.
Because the protagonist shared her type. Because the protagonist found her dual.

I was so excited to read Hiyokoi .
When I heard that Hiyori shared my type, and Yuushin was her dual.
I wanted so much to watch their interaction, to see how that dynamics worked.

Yet as I find myself drawn into the plot,
something whispers in my ears, unsettling me.

The parallel with her was most prominent in Haruhi.
In Sawako, I saw how she may have been given a different environment.
In both the manga she identified, I could actually identify the parallel between her and the protagonist. At the very least, a shadow...

But Hiyori...
Hiyori is an epitome of a negotiator.

And every single page I read just reminds me how different I am.
Every single page just reminds me that I am not the kind, soft, timid girl that Hiyori is.
It reminds me that I am so much darker, so much harsher, so much more flawed.

In the end, it seems almost as if it won't matter how Hiyori interacts with her dual.

Her crippling insecurity and timidness.
It is something I've shed, and discarded- and something I never hope to have again.

Her transparency- going beyond obvious to her close friends but everyone in class.
It's something I avoid like the plague.
I never want people to read the answer off my face. I want to bury it into the deepest recesses of my being, and make sure I have the final say for who gets to know... information which could cripple me.

The side my squadmates called 'extreme', yet the part I will not relinquish.
The side that takes over harshly as a aggressor when I fail to meet someone who can gain my trust enough to yield to, when I fail to meet someone I respect enough to follow.
And the rest of the darkness.

I hoped too much.
I had hoped to see a comrade, albeit in fiction- the type of comrade Haruhi would be to her.
Where lands me... would probably be envy of the pure girl I would never be.

Hiyori... if we share the same type, I can only say that within that category, we've just about taken the two opposite ends of the spectrum.

Labels: MBTI/ Socionics

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014 1:36 AM

It's all in my mind.

I found this in my drafts.
It was incomplete, for I hadn't went on to think about the second half of the MV.

There was something then that kept me from thinking so much. I had then satisfied myself by being hooked on the songs... Only to have the songs fall under a long term ban afterwards.

But those associations have lost their impact on me. They are now but songs which echo through another life...

Regardless, I leave the post as it was, half-done.
My editing now would only destroy the time capsule, made of a girl, two years ago...

The MV stayed in my head longer than I expected, as did the songs.

How would it feel, to pull the trigger on an unarmed father?

How would it feel, to stare down at the crying girl, to see her clutch the bleeding man, the only pillar in her life?

The guilt- wouldn't it consume you? The despair.

You take in the girl, you hone her, you groom her to be your partner. You leave your colleagues.

But every day when you see her eyes, do you see your duty or a vibrant young woman? Do you see the man you killed? Do you see the gang you were sent to track down?

What do you see her as?

Your silence... Your lack of words make you seem almost cold, uncaring, unyielding.
Your silence guards your secrets, guards your guilt. Does it guard your heart?

What were your considerations when you rejected that mission?

Probably not fear of vengeance from the thugs ten years past- the thrill of hunting and being hunted you must have long accustomed yourself to. When you pulled the trigger! Perhaps you'd even considered giving your life to swap positions.

So is it guilt? Is it because the mere visage of the guy reminds you of that deed? Or were you trying to protect her? That man, an associate of her father- it'd be dramatic irony to let her apprehend him. Did you see some sort of justice, to let him be a task undertaken by others?

Awoken by dreams which have haunted you a decade. To have her come to you, expressing exactly what you fear. That one thing you'd never be able to promise her. To know that you are the one whom she seeks!

If you'd learnt to love her, how that would tear you to pieces! How you'd need to reign in your heart, your actions. How those words would tear you to pieces, how your inaction has potential to disappoint...

When you rushed over, fearing her safety. Genuinely.

When you see the barrel of the gun pointed in your face... Your life, in the hands of she who has the full right to pull the trigger on you. Is there acceptance of your fate, or the twang of betrayal? Or... relief? For you are finally... free. To see her cry... again. Would death be a relief?

She shoots the thug who'd kill you with glee. Hope returns. The loosening of the crushing sensation on your chest- then your body falling into the familiar movement of fighting. The binds that held you inert as she pointed the gun at you... Overwhelmed by a critical need to save your partner, to leave, both of you, safe.

All else can wait.
Your bond of ten years had prevailed over the pain of your debt... One that you would be forever paying for. But behind the stormy clouds, the merest gleam of the sun creeps through.

Momentary warmth.

Then the acid that burns a hole through your body...

Physical problems keeping you helpless from retaining she who is dragged away.

Right out of your life.

As if life is mocking you. Proving you correct- that you have no right to protect her.

Your resistance to being resuscitated makes sense.

What have you to live for? The man you trusted with your life-

... The being I never will become again.

Labels: Vague Ponderings

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014 6:09 PM

It's all in my mind.

11 January- the first night of squad chalet.

Bright lights in the dark sky, a mere few.
So much for having come out for stargazing- it was a cloudy night.

Perhaps when we head out seeking something, we are destined to look them over in our rush. Perhaps there's truth in being blinded by our goals.

As we watched, the stars peeped out from behind the clouds.
Suddenly it was as if we were watching the universe expand before us.
The stars previously hidden to our inexperienced eyes were cast across the canvas of a sky.

Perhaps what we seek wait simply for us to notice their presence. Perhaps they simply wait for us to be in a proper state to receive them at their best.

So much so that we began to scrutinise.
So much so that we tried to differentiate which were the satellites, and which were the actual stars.

'Stars don't blink.'
Yes, I suppose they would shine resolutely, steadily, confident.

But would we really know? What a pity, that the stars would have to compete with imitations that shine brighter than themselves. Would we ever be able to pick them out correctly? Would they want to be picked out? Or would they be okay being just another piece of puzzle that completed the beauty of the sky?

The clouds came in once more, smothering the stars.
I wonder if they were protecting them from our critical eyes.

Yet with some clouds, the moon's glow became so beautiful. The rainbow that formed from its light brought out its magnificence better than when it was free.
Perhaps this is what they say, that there is strength in adversary, and things to be gained from the things that come your way.

The incoming clouds finally proved too much, and it disappears.
Only, the next glimpse of the moon was as it set... into the embrace of the trees.

Just perhaps beauty cannot be confined... and after it had its turn, it disappears.

Labels: Vague Ponderings

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

5:47 PM

It's all in my mind.

It's an experience to use my old phone again.
To scroll through the memos, and realise that my abstract thoughts started from way back... To look at them as capsules in time, the significance of which has been lost with my corresponding memories.

It's an experience to scroll through the inbox, the sent folder... and remember all the interactions buried by the passing of time. It seems like I'd long forgotten the things I had- the bonds, the familiarity, the interaction... The lack of a gulf between us.

I suppose now it really is my fault for not holding onto the frank, easy conversatoins with my squadmates, allowing it to stiffen and change.

It makes me wonder how much I have lost over the years without my realisation, accounting it selfishly to the effects of time, or just the changeability of... everyone.
It makes me wonder how much of my language ability has been lost, too.

Three years have passed since I recorded my thoughts on that phone. I just wonder in what ways this person has improved... or not. I just wonder if I still am the same person, or if the change was for better or for worse.

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Sunday, January 5, 2014 12:44 AM

It's all in my mind.

2 Jan 2014.

It's times like this when I wish I had someone to call, someone who I know would reassure me simply by picking up the phone. It wouldn't matter if I were silently crying as he talked about his day. It wouldn't matter that there wasn't a solution. Nothing would matter besides the fact that I wasn't alone in this, and that I had someone to depend on.

It's times like this whereby I cry even harder, because I know that will never be. I have some in my family who would be on my side... It helps. But in the end they're broken like I am. It's just different, knowing that someone out of this mess, someone normal, someone unmarred will be there for you to lean on. Forget lean on- I just want to soak in their normality, and convince myself I have a chance at it too.

It really doesn't matter now. I can stand.

But I just don't understand why it is so hard. Why it's so hard to get peace. Why it's so hard to even feel safe or comfortable, for an extended period of time.

This is it, seriously. Those who preach- look at this mess and tell me where the light at the end of the tunnel is. I don't see it. It's pitch darkness ahead- one that spells certain destruction, either mental or emotional. The only silver lining I see lies in turning heel and running as fast as I can. It's a train wreck waiting to happen. And no one can convince me that my purpose in life is to serve as tribute to fate's dark humour.

Sometimes I just wish it over, right there, instantly. Deliverance from it all, come what may be. I don't get it- but that's to be expected. I have not thrown in my lot with either side.
Yet giving in never solves anything. Not here. Not in the language of the screwed up. Giving in becomes losing.
In the land of the screw ups the more hurt you cause the greater a victor you are. In the land of the screw ups volume is might, insanity is power, and logic is for losers.
It's a tragedy that we've been made to play on her terms for all these years. 2014. I refuse to believe that I need to stay on that plane.

Parting was ever the only true solution, I should think. None of us three deserve to stand this rubbish any longer. None of us deserve to lose any longer.

And if I continue to stay, I'll inch closer to the darkness that would consume my core. That darkness will be enough, just enough, I think, to liberate me and thereafter cast an eternal night unto all I know.
I have enough will yet. Before I fall right through the darkness or escape into the warm embrace of the sun, I refuse to crack.

Labels: Deep Emotions

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

~ Profile ~

Tan Jing Yee
River Valley High School
RVNP HotShots! (sec1'08)
~~Shuqun Primary School~~
28 July

~ some quotes ~

♥ But I think... I want to live with all my memories. Even if they're bad memories. Even if they're memories that only hurt me... that I'd rather forget. If I keep them and keep trying, without running away, then someday I'll be strong enough that those memories can't defeat me. I believe that because I want to think that there's no such thing as a memory that's ok to forget.

♥ Pain, suffering. It's pointless to just think about those things. The traveler (referring to "The Most Foolish Traveler" by Natsuki Takaya) didn't. That may be stupid to some people but that's not stupid to me. Yuki... Kyo... when you close your eyes, what do you think?

♥ Just as no matter how hard you try to keep it away... despair will attack you again and again. In the same manner hope will return to you. Again and again.

♥ Someday... no matter how cold it is now... the snow will melt. Without fail.

♥ For there to be pain, there has to be kindness. For darkness to stand out, there has to be the sun.

♥ Maybe I'm not perfect. Maybe I have a long way to go. But someday... someday I'll be able to stand and walk on my own. Without hurting anyone... and without being a burden.

♥ We're all born with selfish desires so we can relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is created individually by each person... So it's easy to misunderstand when someone is trying to be kind to you... But, Tohru, people's differences are something to celebrate.

♥ "And if when everything ends, nothing is left in my hands...that's alright."

♥ Mingling with people, hurting them, getting hurt by them. That's how you learn about people and about yourself. If you don't, you'll never care about anyone but yourself.

♥ I want to be the only one... who can help the one I care about.

♥ "I wish I could have lived... In a kind world. Without anxiety. Without fear. Without hurting other people. Without being hurt myself. Only doing the right things. I wish I could have followed... The shortest path... To the kind world I wish for. I wish... I could have lived my life... Without making any wrong turns. But that is impossible. A path like that doesn't exist. We fail. We trip. We get lost. We make mistakes. And little by little, one step at a time... we push forward. It's all we can do. On our own two feet. Even if we get a little banged up. Someday, we'll reach something. We'll reach someone. We pray."

♥ "Crowds used to make me wonder. How many people would notice if I disappeared? I used to mull over that kind of thing constantly... once upon a time. But now... I'm a little different. It's not like that. It doesn't have to be... A lot of people. Even if it's just one person. That's enough. Having one person... is an incredible thing. Because then... It can't be zero. I was happy. I was happy then, too. I was so happy, it tickled. In the midst of all those people... She singled me out... and found me. And it's the same thing now. Having someone other than yourself... thinking of you. Looking... for you. You can't take that for granted. It's a miraculous and blessed thing."

♥ "... please don't cry anymore. I know that happy things... and fun things.. eventually come to an end. But things that are scary and sad... come to an end too. They always do. Even if you can't always believe that... please don't give up. Live. I want you to live. Even if you make a mistake, even if you take the long way, it's still okay... Just please... please live. Don't give up on pushing forward. Please. At least don't give up on that. Even if I'm not... by your side."

♥ Often times in memory, we have the tendency to overly romanticize the people we care about.

♥ Humans may be fragile creatures, but they're not weak to the extent to being crushed by their painful memories even after they meet with something unfortunate. We're far more resilient that that. Everything will be alright.

♥ "Don't worry, Kanade. What a person has actually gone through is unexpectedly different from what he remembers. Even though that gap may leave him feeling sad sometimes... Even the most vivdly clear memory... will change with time eventually."

♥ "Humans are amazing. Even though they may not see something physically... They'll still sense it. Everything else is the same. If you work hard, others will know that you work hard. If you don't work hard, others will know that you don't work hard."

♥ "Someday... You'll find someone who'll know all your good and bad points... And who'll still love you all the same."

♥ If... There was ever a Land of the Blindfolded, will the people of that land... Understand what it's like to have your blindfold come undone? Even if... Most people will never understand us... There might just be... Someone who can do that. It isn't easy to understand people's feelings... But that doesn't mean... That you're alone.

♥ It is not violence that best overcomes hate — nor vengeance that most certainly heals injury.

♥ The real courage is living and suffering for what you believe.

♥ “If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”

♥ Do not pity the dead, Harry, pity the living. Above all pity those who live without love.

♥ 每一段记忆，都有一个密码。只要时间，地点，人物组合正确，无论尘封多久，那人那景都将在遗忘中重新拾起。你也许会说“不是都过去了吗？”其实过去的只是时间，你依然逃不出，想起了就微笑或悲伤的宿命，那种宿命本叫“无能为力”。

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