Ignorance is bliss. Is it really?
Would a moment of oblivion be worth the ravage on what used to lie dormant, serene... And thought buried?

I tried to regulate my expression, my tone and assume nonchalance. I wonder how I succeeded.
It's too easy to apply the logical answer. I just wish my emotions were regulated by logic at will as well.

As of yet, still, I shall not court certain destruction. I resolve not to. Not yet.
Anyhow what use are resolutions if one intentionally breaks them?

As I write this, my mind carries me to another time, another resolution... Which was broken. By active action on one end, passive action on the other.

I've no illusions about either anymore. Having removed one from a pedestal, and having shone light on the other lost in the abyss, I will judge both sides as harshly.

It's only fair, is it not?

Chagrined to note that almost every time I attempt to organise something, it seems doomed to fail. ^^

In the future, I should really just leave it in the capable hands of my other squadmates.

And hope I get invited too.

At a moment that refused to be pinpointed, something rose to the back of my eyes, blurring my vision. At the same instigation, my head took on a simultaneously heavy and yet empty sensation.

But it'd be best to withhold reflection until midnight.

The creeping dread of having a train of thought or a depth of feeling to convey, and yet being stopped short by incoherence and incompetence in my vocabulary I'm learning to recognise with greater frequency than before.

人潮人海… 不晓得什么时候会默默地发现，你已擦肩而过，消失不见。

快要两年了。但你大概已经忘记…

算了。忘了也好。
过了数年以后，再遇见，可以笑着谈天，回忆往事…
那就够了。

真的，就够了。

14 Nov.

Where're the lines?

The lines by virtue of which we justify anything. Is there even a value in a perceived reason for our action?

Where does logic end and madness begin?
Where does cruelty begin and righteousness end?
Where do things move out of your hands, and where is inaction a crime?

It suddenly seems funny that while there are answers, there are never answers enough. It's bewildering that while it's still an open issue, some perceive their own will to be cast in iron, and enforce it onto others.

Funny, that while our actions thread precariously on the brink of insanity, some have confidence in them to perpetuate it beyond their personal capacity.

How? When the only actions that one may ever hope to justify lie in the ones that affect merely themselves.

I don't mean to advocate passivity, for the fear of being wrong doesn't exonerate people from the crime of inaction when inaction itself brings about negative effects.

But how can one live except to accept people who check them, to listen to people ideally regardless of presentation, but particularly when one carries the keys to self-reformation, for improvement?

Is it a dependence on that will as the foundation of their being?
Is it fear at the impact knowledge of wrongdoing, for it holds an undeniable strength in undermining the person they've built through the years- the thing that cannot escape judgement?

And when we speak of rights... Why do we think we have any at all?

We must have. But how do we determine the rights we have?

Furthermore, what happens when the rights of two parties are in conflict with each other?
To assert your own, is it just to ignore the other's?
To reach a compromise- is it to lose?

To meet two perspectives- where will we end up bulldozing, blinded to what is discussed at hand to assert what we believe to be true?

"Knowledge is justified true belief."

What if both sides have them? In conflict with each other?

Their quarrel appear to be my own, yet I don't feel like interfering. I don't even feel certain of my biased input- not sure where it stands in the distinct but logical perspectives they hold.

Comical that we humans walk the earth when at least some of us haven't even figured these out. Not even formulated a consistent approach in which to apply to our lives. Don't they worry at all, that not tackling this by some stage of our lives leaves us with minimal advantage over animals? They don't have to justify their actions either. Their world is one whereby power triumphs. Yet their actions at least don't bring about the degree of destruction mankind wield, being social, interacting with fellows, influencing...

Doesn't it threaten the virtue of our actions? What's the point of a mind which fails to think, which fails to figure out the delicate balance between obligation to the individuals and obligations to others in society, then the collective whole?

Or perhaps it's only me. Perhaps others will not be stumped by the multitude of implications, and can coherently explain their lives, their decisions, their decision-making processes.

Perhaps there are others who can justify their deviations from a modus operandi, when, why, how.

Where does that leave me?
Where does that leave them, if their method turns out unjust, unethical, or self-centred?

Pursuit of happiness.
When will it cease to be a noble ideal and instead infringe on the very lines in humanity we are obligated as equals to not cross?

Pursuit of logic.
Where will it start becoming unfeeling, and where is it acceptable rationality?

Pursuit of knowledge.
But what does one do with the newfound grey area? For as long as thoughts continue to be voiced, as long as things are learnt, there will be things to dispute over.

Pursuit of humanity.
What shall we answer if others accuse us of a moral high ground and indicate that by our pursuit, we demonize things that are actually understandable, infringe the individual right to do what they want, claiming to know better?

Pursuit of acceptance.
When will it close our eyes to what is right in order to stay within the flock? When will it smother our voices simply because we avoid "bad form"?

Pursuit of anything- if not checked, isn't the extreme hedonism?

Yet amidst the black cloud of doubt I've just pushed into the forefront of my thoughts, I get the sense that things aren't that bad.

I have the feeling that the pursuit of answers would be instructive, even if humankind must definitely fail to arrive at consensus.
I have the feeling that given a better frame of mind, I would be able to reach into myself and half-formulate my standards, my ways, my methods.

But is it cheating myself into a sense of well being? For fault will only be amplified if the person committing it knows.

Knowing, yet doing... Versus knowing, yet not doing. Which would be worse?

There are times you know the result even before you put your hand into it.

Sometimes what you don't consciously know is written in bold, hiding merely in the core of your being. The decisions, the hesitations... Hindsight is 20/20. I wonder now whether it was my subconscious guiding me.

It's certain death, but for the sake of appearing to try, we sometimes walk calmly towards certain death regardless.

I'm walking towards that end.
Suspend disbelief. Stay with me in this act while I see it through, as I suspend my emotions.

Sometimes I think... The pretense of fighting fate is merely to show those bothered to have faith in me. My fate has been sealed. It has been sealed a long time ago.

The sea is rising and looming closer.
At the moment of judgement I have no doubt I will be carried by the waves to sink into its suffocating depths.

I only hope it liberates also.

To fight over who's disrupting my preparation for the paper tomorrow,
To point fingers at each other...

News is, while I was not really disturbed by either, the quarrel totally got to me. It didn't help that I just got another U for the 2012 school prelim.

I wanted to smash a cup and hear it shatter.
That sound that rings of something destroyed, that can never again be fixed.
That object so fragile, yet the amount of force applied brings about a spectacular degree of damage...

Seriously? Either care about my As or don't. And stick to that decision for another 18 days. I just abhor the affection of concern when none occur when required.

My thoughts are loud enough to hold their own against the barrage of music.

At the most inappropriate of times, panic stirs within my gut.

It's a domino effect.
So stupid how the smallest item missing from my inventory was sufficient to set all this on its course.

Debilitating.
It just takes something that I can't put my fingers on, to solve, to resolve, that exerts pressure enough to make the fracture lines visible.

It's almost as if once absolute control escapes my grasp, everything starts unwinding...
Leaving me the comic little figure, spinning on a sharp point, as the string about me is pulled off.

Immobile, yet moving, spinning...

I'm losing my head, my focus...

At the most inappropriate of times, ribbons of the past return. Its whispers slip through the cracks... Weaving itself with the thoughts that had hithero lay dormant.

I wish the music leaves me deaf to all but its touch.

Not for the first time, I wish I weren't born. I wish I didn't have to interact. I wish I didn't have to get moved- for connection is a liability. I wish words had no impact on me. I wish the externals were distinct from the internals.

Not for the last time, self preservation bid me not to think such foolish things, for it is what fundamentally characterises me that I speak of disowning.

Yet one day, if life were to prove itself unable to support my idealism... I wonder if I would have anything to live for?

I wonder on what basis people interpret intent, when it's not explicitly stated.
I wonder about the dangers of over analysing, and presumption.

Not that I'm innocent of it, I suppose.
I just have no inclination to deal with it now.

With both.
To overanalyse... Isn't it to see shadows sabotaging you at every corner, even while you're perilously trying to mind your feet and keep from falling through the precipice?

So what if you know someone well? It doesnt go to say that your interpretation of what the person's thought process is is entirely right, unless it were confirmed by conversation... Yes?