That my will and drive lasts so short
And for naught.
Friday, November 27, 2015 3:15 PM
It's all in my mind.
The wind feels so comfortable against my skin.
Space.
Glorious space, with the luxury of music in my ears.
So unlike the confined space of my mind
Where my failings echo endlessly
Where the implications just stick
And I cannot stop thinking
How pathetic it is that I only had one job to do, yet I can screw it up
I might as well not have tried
And I cannot stop thinking
The lines of propriety that I turn a blind eye to
It is too comfortable
Yet there must be consequences
That look, bordering on teasing
I dont want to deal with it
I dont even want to know if he will stay when I get banished
How could he not?
I splurge the opportunity that he worked so much to obtain
That is so precious to him
And I do nothing to keep it
And I cannot stop thinking
That I ought not do this
I need to live properly
How do I when I only know how to self sabotage
How to jam brake?
The single benefit of this exam period is to see the great migration... In them, rare faces so valued. Where small gestures help put a smile on my face. Transient as it might be, it's warm. I wonder if you'd know... I wonder if you'll know.
Monday, November 23, 2015 10:42 PM
It's all in my mind.
Beautiful small coincidences Reminding me that there is never enough preparation time To make me properly ready to smile
Yet at junctures least expected They arise For a short while They arise Without need for preparation From the heart.
Sunday, November 22, 2015 9:54 PM
It's all in my mind.
不晓得从什么时候开始又学会害怕。
从很久很久以前就跟那种感觉道别了，不是吗？
我的心跳已不会因恐惧加速。
但是怎么一直安不下心？
感觉就像伸出手并能够夺取安心，但站在悬崖上的我胆量已化成泡影。
有你的支持有多好！
只怕这已变成定局，你想帮也帮不成。
Wednesday, November 18, 2015 10:34 PM
It's all in my mind.
Towards utter failure I march.
In a cycle that reinforces itself, for my fate has long been sealed by my hand.
Saturday, November 14, 2015 12:17 PM
It's all in my mind.
Sometimes, people forget about the courage it takes to live. But as long as people believe in something in their hearts, courage will never disappear completely.
- Tsubasa Chronicles, ep 8
Friday, November 13, 2015 3:38 PM
It's all in my mind.
12.11.2015
Seems too long since I last saw them, and too long since such comfortable, nonsensical conversations.
How far had we needed to go in order to get this dynamics? How much stress and unspoken tension before all those layers peeled away to become a sanctuary?
How much effort, or how little was it to sustain it this evening?
Cause I saw the initiative, I saw the effortlessness of our dynamics fitting together.
And all the questions that they wanted me to answer yet I didn't.
All the deesiao and counter disturb.
And the 'aww' over dinner.
All that charm.
'Distance makes the heart fonder'? For me the distance left me with more to be thankful for this evening.
Words that move me I bask in for one dinner; but in this inevitability perhaps that momentary glow is all I can hold onto with gratitude.
3:37 PM
It's all in my mind.
Maybe this is why I need Betas.
Beta STs to push us NFs in moving to an ideal we can share.
Where are they
And will they accommodate my flaws when they see such a caricature?
Or will I be automatically overcome by quadra dynamics.
1:07 AM
It's all in my mind.
Guilty as charged.
My guard ought be up, but the only distance I know how to navigate is in my mind.
Thursday, November 12, 2015 10:34 AM
It's all in my mind.
Never has it been thus blur, my purpose of staying.
Wednesday, November 11, 2015 9:39 PM
It's all in my mind.
I wish I could lie better.
It's as though I wear my heart on my sleeve now.
Even poorly crafted half truths take time.
I wish my face would lie better.
I wish my guilt at the mere prospect would not surge.
So ridiculous that I try to set guidelines in a guess of what will keep me from hurting him unnecessarily.
And yet I am failing simply by failing to be less transparent.
And yet I keep failing because I do not know, and merely make assumptions.
Where are the lines where intervention stops?
Where are the lines after which I am doing more harm than good, being thus contrieved?
Isn't the only protection from me my absence and silence?
Meanwhile I do no one any benefit, attempting to make everyone keep mum.
For a reason only half justified, hiding under a guise of my discomfort.
Would it not be better to not think, not feel as much?
At least in that I don't second guess anything.
At least in that I don't begrudge myself the inability to solve the problems.
Monday, November 9, 2015 10:44 AM
It's all in my mind.
It began as a fascinating concept.
The Japanese express train ferrying sushi to their customers, halting at each individual customer with delicious bites.
That a little train had been roped in to help on the service team was adorable.
The 'Sushi' inscription on his side a tiny bit ironic.
Only it wasn't funny anymore. While the other express trains had for themselves the comfortable presence of peers a distance behind, he was the sole train serving the changing faces of endless customers.
No route for him to see a change in scenary, he was stuck on this straight line forevermore.
Beckoned by the customers who wanted the sushi he brought, instead of those who wanted him.
His stay was always shortened by a blare, reminding customers to send him away.
Was it his only function?
It was lonely.
Having worked so long he knew no one but those who loaded him with plates.
There wasn't time to know the sushi. They didn't even have enough time for conversation- he was an express train, his presence unwanted if not for speed and reloading.
It was like soldiers to war.
Saturday, November 7, 2015 8:34 PM
It's all in my mind.
The crowd scares me.
How is it that I might have missed out legions of people passing me by day, yet notice it suddenly as it drowns out the music from my ears?
7:31 PM
It's all in my mind.
Learning point for today:
Personality is received dependent on circumstances and supporting characters.
Perception of faults and flaws may never be reconciled, even if the sources both are people I get along with and want to trust.
People's evaluations may be shared with the best of intentions, but we are stronger in that we may have the necessary rapport or complementary styles to overcome that which is to others insurmountable.
Wednesday, November 4, 2015 1:20 PM
It's all in my mind.
Missed opportunities.
Tuesday, November 3, 2015 10:35 AM
It's all in my mind.
Maybe amidst all my complaints and indignation, I'm just reaping what I sow.
That they are responding to my irresponsible, scatterbrained style.
That they feel no need to respond to visions I know not how to implement.
It's probably no different if I quit. Things will run as it were, with less angst in between.
~ Profile ~
Tan Jing Yee
River Valley High School
RVNP HotShots! (sec1'08) Shuqun Primary School
28 July
~ some quotes ~
♥ But I think... I want to live with all my memories. Even if they're bad memories. Even if they're memories that only hurt me... that I'd rather forget. If I keep them and keep trying, without running away, then someday I'll be strong enough that those memories can't defeat me. I believe that because I want to think that there's no such thing as a memory that's ok to forget.
♥ Pain, suffering. It's pointless to just think about those things. The traveler (referring to "The Most Foolish Traveler" by Natsuki Takaya) didn't. That may be stupid to some people but that's not stupid to me. Yuki... Kyo... when you close your eyes, what do you think?
♥ Just as no matter how hard you try to keep it away... despair will attack you again and again. In the same manner hope will return to you. Again and again.
♥ Someday... no matter how cold it is now... the snow will melt. Without fail.
♥ For there to be pain, there has to be kindness. For darkness to stand out, there has to be the sun.
♥ Maybe I'm not perfect. Maybe I have a long way to go. But someday... someday I'll be able to stand and walk on my own. Without hurting anyone... and without being a burden.
♥ We're all born with selfish desires so we can relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is created individually by each person... So it's easy to misunderstand when someone is trying to be kind to you... But, Tohru, people's differences are something to celebrate.
♥ "And if when everything ends, nothing is left in my hands...that's alright."
♥ Mingling with people, hurting them, getting hurt by them. That's how you learn about people and about yourself. If you don't, you'll never care about anyone but yourself.
♥ I want to be the only one... who can help the one I care about.
♥ "I wish I could have lived... In a kind world. Without anxiety. Without fear. Without hurting other people. Without being hurt myself. Only doing the right things. I wish I could have followed... The shortest path... To the kind world I wish for.
I wish... I could have lived my life... Without making any wrong turns. But that is impossible. A path like that doesn't exist. We fail. We trip. We get lost. We make mistakes. And little by little, one step at a time... we push forward. It's all we can do. On our own two feet. Even if we get a little banged up. Someday, we'll reach something. We'll reach someone. We pray."
♥ "Crowds used to make me wonder. How many people would notice if I disappeared? I used to mull over that kind of thing constantly... once upon a time. But now... I'm a little different. It's not like that. It doesn't have to be... A lot of people. Even if it's just one person. That's enough. Having one person... is an incredible thing. Because then... It can't be zero. I was happy. I was happy then, too. I was so happy, it tickled. In the midst of all those people... She singled me out... and found me. And it's the same thing now. Having someone other than yourself... thinking of you. Looking... for you. You can't take that for granted. It's a miraculous and blessed thing."
♥ "... please don't cry anymore. I know that happy things... and fun things.. eventually come to an end. But things that are scary and sad... come to an end too. They always do. Even if you can't always believe that... please don't give up. Live. I want you to live. Even if you make a mistake, even if you take the long way, it's still okay... Just please... please live. Don't give up on pushing forward. Please. At least don't give up on that. Even if I'm not... by your side."
♥ Often times in memory, we have the tendency to overly romanticize the people we care about.
♥ Humans may be fragile creatures, but they're not weak to the extent to being crushed by their painful memories even after they meet with something unfortunate. We're far more resilient that that. Everything will be alright.
♥ "Don't worry, Kanade. What a person has actually gone through is unexpectedly different from what he remembers. Even though that gap may leave him feeling sad sometimes... Even the most vivdly clear memory... will change with time eventually."
♥ "Humans are amazing. Even though they may not see something physically... They'll still sense it. Everything else is the same. If you work hard, others will know that you work hard. If you don't work hard, others will know that you don't work hard."
♥ "Someday... You'll find someone who'll know all your good and bad points... And who'll still love you all the same."
♥ If... There was ever a Land of the Blindfolded, will the people of that land... Understand what it's like to have your blindfold come undone? Even if... Most people will never understand us... There might just be... Someone who can do that. It isn't easy to understand people's feelings... But that doesn't mean... That you're alone.
♥ It is not violence that best overcomes hate — nor vengeance that most certainly heals injury.
♥ The real courage is living and suffering for what you believe.
♥ “If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”
♥ Do not pity the dead, Harry, pity the living. Above all pity those who live without love.
