The void sucks me in.

Saturday, February 26, 2011 10:22 PM

It's all in my mind.

The more we move forward, the more we leave behind.

Friends.

It doesn't make sense, does it?

The more friends you make, the more acquaintances you drop?

But I think it likely.

I saw Jun Ler on Thursday- the first time in 4 years.

We were of the same sailing team before, now he's a national windsurfer, and I... can claim nothing but that I mug better than he. ^^

We are of different schools now, we are on different paths.

I was happy have seen him, though briefly, and we both recognised each other... When I reached home, I added him on facebook. Conversations by messages...

But within... how many? We seem to have squeezed our conversational juices dry.

On the bright side, after a gap of 4 years, we actually managed to have a fairly decent length conversation through the computer screen.

On the downside, isn't this an example of what would happen to all of us, all of us, unless we make a conscious effort?

No one will be spared.

Meanwhile, we hope.

Labels: Vague Ponderings

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011 7:50 PM

It's all in my mind.

I change my mind.

I used to think that my aim was that, by ROD, I would at least make sure that sec 1s didn't hate me. I change my mind.

They can hate me for all I care.

As long as their next batch of ICs don't wonder: what the hell did their previous ICs do with them?, it will be fine.

So what if I come to like them in the future?

So what if I come to care for them almost as deeply as Hotshots?

So what, if, by then, I have been so exacting that they will never like me again?

So what if I will be the only one giving, and never getting reciprocated because they are too scared by me?

It doesn't matter.

It is a gamble.

And since it isn't Hotshots we are talking about, there is a limit to how much it will affect me.

We have very different styles, within us ICs, in regard to the sec1s.

We are trying to tailor-make a perfect system for them, I think.

One whereby they will love NP, and learn meanwhile.

Guess how we know what they like?

Ask.

Obviously.

Idealistic, no?

Fine, I will take it in my stride that I am the most 啰嗦 amongst us 4.

Fine, I will take it in my stride that I shouldn't have such high expectations. Yes, I do agree that there is an improvement, and I was ecstatic about their behaviour during the second act. But today... maybe it's me, but I am disappointed.

Fine, perhaps I should suppress myself further, and not explode in their face until they know more of our requirements.

Fine.

But meanwhile, what I cannot stand is you all asking them how they think we can improve.

They. Are. Not. In. A. Position. To. Judge.

I won't even start on history evaluation of reliability, for purpose.

What they would like is idealistic. They are new to NP, they cannot use their previous experience to judge. They have to learn, they have to get used to our style.

We are not being too demanding.

Feedback, how they feel about what we do, sure. We need that all the time.

But why let them have false hopes about us changing to suit their preferences, then let them feel disappointed when they face hard facts?

You all say that we need to let them bond, let them like NP.

True, I am not denying that.

But this approach, this kindly approach...

There are two results that I anticipate.

1. They like NP. Success.

2. They get used to being pampered and climb over our heads.

There was a blatant example of the latter today, so I am not unreasonable to say this.

I will not be so pissed off if their volume were lower.

I will not be so pissed off if their reactions were slow.

I will not be so pissed off if they didn't greet properly.

But I cannot stand a lack of basic respect.

Climb over me? you better get someone to get your eulogy ready first.

If they don't know their place, I will be the first one to kick them into their respective places.

Or kick them in their face, like what Xing Yao misheard me as doing.

You three can go on and try to let them like NP, but I will not budge in this single respect.

If they hate me for it, so be it.

Even if I love them in the end, but they still hate me, so be it.

They are in their formative years, I am certain to that.

We are the ones moulding them- their following ICs can only change them up to a certain standard.

So I will not tolerate anything short in this area.

I will be the bad guy, so to speak, if need be.

... Sir Raymeo, I think you lose your bet. 这次，你可能看错了。

Labels: Deep Emotions, Hotshots♥ /RVNP

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011 10:18 PM

It's all in my mind.

Okay... I have removed this link from Hotshots blog. And the sec ones have come in.

Perhaps I do have high expectations about the sec 1s, but I really cannot stand their lack of respect towards seniors. I mean, I am sure I came into NP very reluctantly, really rebelliously, but at least with a certain critical courtesy towards the NCOs. But still, my other 3 ICs think that the squad is quite okay already...

Fine.

To me, the only time they weren't totally cmi was probably when they were surrounded by their sec 3 squad seniors. Did I detect horrified expressions on the sec 3s' part at the fact that their juniors were so blur, or was it because we ICs let it happen?

*shrug*

But the sec 3s set a good example. Nice. At least they got pressurized into falling in properly.

I really think we have to improve on our coordination for the following acts.

We totally discuss infront of the recruits.

And what am I supposed to do? Two cadets asked me point blank after they put down their bags- can we transfer out of NPCC?

-_-

Yeah, thanks. Getting them to love RVNP or their squadmates?

Long long way to go.

Hope I survive that and learn to be less critical of them.

Maybe I'll find them cute by ROD. Who knows?

I will keep my fingers crossed.

Labels: Deep Emotions, Hotshots♥ /RVNP

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Saturday, February 12, 2011 11:52 AM

It's all in my mind.

An unhappy realisation.

How many of you stayed?

Though, in the end, you people physically stayed back,

but none of you came inside to actually discuss, no?

Yes, you 4 designed.

But the others, apart from being available yet out of reach,

...?

Right, maybe I'm paranoid.

Is it because I'm not good enough at this, or

Is it because it's me that this situation occurs?

Ugh.

In the end, I just wish I can say that it was worth it all.

A staggering realisation.

I'm actually like her. My mother.

I have expectations, and I expect the others to conform to them.

And since I realise how much I detest that trait of hers, I guess when I go on and on about discipline, image, standards, to squadmates or juniors, I am just as detestable.

Okay, maybe not "as detestable". I have a shield to back me up. The fact that these happen to be things expected in NP. I'm just being extreme- hence annoying.

I really need to keep that in check...

Another rope I bind myself with. Reel it in from its extending limbs, heading for others...

And bind myself. Fine.

Zip.

A plausible explanation.

They always say that when you grow up, you'll understand why your parents did so and so.

That you'll appreciate them more as you grow up.

Could that be because you no longer have to live under the same roof, so you are left with good memories rather than constant reminders about the bad? That when you rarely go back, your parents treat you as a guest and not like how they used to- kids? The other kind of attitude for kids only?

Could it be that you are also degenerating into an annoying adult, that you see like your parents?

Sadly myopic, or hopelessly far-sighted?

Rather, I think that children, though probably inexperienced in making the link, see the clearest.

Labels: Deep Emotions

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Friday, February 11, 2011 8:11 PM

It's all in my mind.

Kristine says that my blog is very personal, and I should probably not reveal my weaknesses here. After all, juniors read it.

Well, Junianti just had to tell me that ex-NCOs read it. Seniors.

... Actually, I think I had an msn conversation with Ken before- long long time ago, on the matter of our blogs. I believe I replied to his question an answer to the effect that,

Think what they may, I will not crumble under their opinions.

I only let people I trust know about my blog- close friends, at first, then squadmates. Basically.

I trust them enough with my thoughts.

Those who I did not welcome, if they scorn me... I will not give a damn.

My blog is a vent. I keep the deepest feelings and thoughts within myself.

But sometimes, it overflows.

I put it into words, in my blog. Not in whole, of course. I am aware that my blog is public- the most personal is not even anything I write.

I do not feel that I need to cover my weakness in my blog. I believe I have hidden it away pretty well while facing everyone else- but this blog is mine. I don't need to hide from this also.

But I still retain my secrets. All the words here... Guess what it means. Specific things, I will not say. Generalities- infer what you may.

I think the only place where I don't hide anything... may be in the characters whom I write about in my fanfics. Or want to write about in my fanfics.

They embody me, in a way, I guess. But just without the flaws that commoners like me face, I suppose. For them, I can choose their fate. My traits and hopes, softened and brightened, will probably live through them.

Isn't it the way for all writers?

Nevertheless, in the light of my probably depressing in the future about Sec 1s, I shall remove my link from Hotshots blog. By the next time I come to my blog- so those who are bothered, you could bookmark this. Or remember the link. Whatever.

Just that I don't need the juniors to see what I feel about them.

I will place the link back after ROD.

If you have been worrying about my mental health because of my previous post (not from today), don't worry.

I just depress, but I know my job. Who says I can't feel depressed doing my job? Who says I can't gloom? ^^ Ex-NCOs, my mind is just slightly more used to failure than that. I will not fall so soon.

Even if I do, I'll finish being part of Hotshots first.

Then, when there is no passion left to sustain, my meagre candle of hope can snuff out. Find another direction, maybe. But I don't keep my hopes high.

So if it is just in regards to my mental health, don't worry.

If it is, however, a true concern for me as a person, a friend, a squadmate- I thank you. The line between the two are very faint. If you are on this side of the line, thank you.

But if you know me well enough, I will live.

Live.

Knowing that people are bothered, I will smile.

But here's a personal request: Those who come to my blog and have never told me explicitly, directly that they have read my blog nor tagged, please do. I want to know who have reached this place.

Of course, unless the above words have been lost on you, you will know that I will not censor because you are here.

But I would like to know who my audience are.

Please.

I know it will probably be odd, tagging "HI" or "Cheer up yeah" or "Tag", but please do. Once.

It's the only request I have extended bah.

Labels: Deep Emotions

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

8:11 PM

It's all in my mind.

You told me that you read my blog.

That it wasn't true that I cause people to stop blogging...

It's just like that.

I replied that it didn't used to be like that. Multiple blog posts on the same act.

You replied me. And that you'd know, you had looked through the archives.

There was something that rose to my throat-

"Then why don't you-"

But I forced it down. How could I ask that of anyone, when I realise how lonely this situation is? How can I ask that you go through that again, or even think that?

Instead, when I think about it, I should have said that I am in your position those years ago.

Posts after posts, asking for squadmates to bond, to wake up- asking if they are still alive out there.

There is something I have to be thankful about. You. I know I have posted this line before in earlier posts, but I am now refering to another person. The same person in the other part of the same post, if I don't remember wrongly.

Thank you for looking out for me,

Thanks for trying to cheer me up,

Thanks for trying to help.

I realise I cut across you when you had something more to say then. I'm sorry.

Perhaps I tried too much to salvage the situation around me that I overlooked what was more bright.

People make wrong choices.

I am only human.

Sorry.

Thinking about the tee design discussion...

I feel like laughing. Grimacing.

It only about proved my previous post right.

What I do, I do badly.

I can totally go and bang my head on NP room door already, chuckling while doing so.

'Saikang'- you observed correctly, I think.

I either screw it up, or step on peoples' toes;

It's almost destined. And I am walking down the route so obviously fated to happen, just that I keep hoping it won't.

I will see it through. The end product is worth it.

Who cares if someone is disappointed over and over again in the bargain?

Furthermore, I am not the only one.

It doesn't matter.

I'll live. I'll smile.

But here comes the problem people who visit my blog face- how to try and ask me to look at the bright side again and again and again AND again, when I lose faith so easily?

That's probably why no one tags, yeah?

Ask me not to be emo, I will tell you I'm better now.

Next post, another emo one.

I'm sorry, but that's just me.

For the people who have kept up the attempt, a smile.

Thank you.

Labels: Deep Emotions

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011 11:15 PM

It's all in my mind.

I'm not sure why I keep screwing up the things I do, but that is the truth.

I think this time it's a failure on my part- I didn't do well enough.

Whatever I do, I have to annoy/hurt someone.

The exact same fear I told you, you were perhaps trying to comfort me that it wouldn't be.

But now... isn't it kinda proven?

So what can I do now, in this position?...

See it through, I guess.

What else can I do, make someone try to make best of the situation that I have soured?

That won't be fair, would it?

I am not sure why.

I just notice that whenever I tag, I effectively make people not want to tag after me.

Whenever I post, I effectively silence the people who would probably post after me.

Is my enthusiasm... smothering?

Of course, there is this likelihood that I am paranoid.

Paranoid, paranoid, paranoid.

But... you have to be somewhat like this to actually recognise the real thing when it comes, no?

I don't know if you were trying to be polite,

since I offered apology,

since I responded asap.

I don't know if you don't feel a single bit of grudging towards me,

a bit of sourness at the way I did things.

I don't know, and I probably never will.

Even if you say any more, I may not believe, since I know what you risk feeling hurt about.

But after this...

I will take a step backwards.

I will see this through,

but I guess a passive me will benefit everyone better.

I keep saying that I don't want the sec ones to come in,

I don't want to be IC.

I. Am. Serious.

I thought I could live with it- and I guess when they come in and I rise up to take them, I will have to live with it.

But can you feel the fear?

I don't dare to take this responsibility.

I don't dare to decide the future of RVNP- because the sec ones are the future cadets, future NCOs.

One day, they will step up.

I am scared of this ability to influence.

And I am afraid that I have placed myself in a situation whereby I don't dare to work with the others.

It is hard to work where opinions, priorities, fears and hope differ.

Maybe that single act rubbed off too hard on me.

But I fear.

Can you feel it?

I fear.

Labels: Deep Emotions, Hotshots♥ /RVNP

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011 11:39 PM

It's all in my mind.

I said that I won't post but I guess I will.

I'm sorry, I guess I didn't promise you not to think about it and lose sleep.

Today just had a lot of issues for me to think about.

Let's start with the squad reunion dinner...

The truth or dare forces me to think about the thin line between the truth and what is the truth I would like for people to know.

Mind, both are truths.

But the truth is what I feel, while the truth I would like people to know is what I am convincing myself too. So don't say that I am lying to you- I don't. I am probably just lying to myself.

I said that I can't say that it was one particular person-

true, to an extent. They inferred that there are a lot of guys I am referring to: yes, I guess they are right.

There are just too many people in my past that I cannot effectively put behind me.

One obvious one, that hardly any know properly- I haven't been very open about it. Who talks about such issues anyway? With whom?

For the rare few in RV who know, I am glad they know limited. I am thankful yet again that he is not in RV- he is probably the only person I would never be able to act normal around. All my guises and facades will crash-

For I have not put him securely behind me.

Even now.

There was also a question that Madeline asked- whether they were friends or whether they were one step further.

I can't answer that effectively either.

My past is not just one jigsaw puzzle piece on its own.

There are, of course, wonderful friends whom I still think about. One whom I call my bro. The only older guy whom I care about.

Yet, I would still wonder. This doesn't make sense, but I don't know how to interact around him. If I try to keep up the acquaintance, am I just making myself a nuisance? After just one year of friendship and six years of just messaging once a year, do I have the right to claim him as even a friend, much less my brother?

Ha. I don't know. I just don't know.

Then, there was the person whom I probably was wondering about when I randomly wrote that thought into my cameron notebook.

But with regard to that- my feelings and my wishes are two very separate matters. Even if I care, a lot, I have learnt not to indulge them. I cannot indulge them.

Had I gotten the question Madeline got- how would you confess to a guy you liked- I would firmly and honestly say that I will never do that.

No matter how much I care, I know that taking the first step is fatal. I used to think that I'd prefer knowing the answer than guessing for the rest of time.

I have learnt that the knowledge would smash me.

So the aim is that, at the very end, he still would have no inkling. That is my idea of success.

When I get even a toe out of the imaginary line I create for myself, I reproach myself. I reflect on the folly and I reproach myself.

I do not, can not, wish for such things.

Because they will never come true.

Hope will only crush you when you expect there a merest possibility.

So, I shall say, even if my emotions cannot be reigned in- my head will be.

I wonder if this post is just exposing more of my thoughts to the public to judge- for the fact is that the truth or dare has shown more of me than I have ever displayed in front of my squadmates, I think. But I also wonder... If this post is serving the purpose of making sure I keep my head henceforth. ^^

I originally wanted to add in the pessimistic thoughts I got while cooping myself up in NP room today, about how our squad is... and the plaguing worry and fear of being sec 1 IC. But I guess this is enough for anyone bothered to digest, and the fear of failure I shall keep to myself.

My dear audiences do not need to be bullied into trying to cheer me up.

Because for this particular aspect,

no one will succeed.

Labels: Deep Emotions

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

~ Profile ~

Tan Jing Yee
River Valley High School
RVNP HotShots! (sec1'08)
~~Shuqun Primary School~~
28 July

~ some quotes ~

♥ But I think... I want to live with all my memories. Even if they're bad memories. Even if they're memories that only hurt me... that I'd rather forget. If I keep them and keep trying, without running away, then someday I'll be strong enough that those memories can't defeat me. I believe that because I want to think that there's no such thing as a memory that's ok to forget.

♥ Pain, suffering. It's pointless to just think about those things. The traveler (referring to "The Most Foolish Traveler" by Natsuki Takaya) didn't. That may be stupid to some people but that's not stupid to me. Yuki... Kyo... when you close your eyes, what do you think?

♥ Just as no matter how hard you try to keep it away... despair will attack you again and again. In the same manner hope will return to you. Again and again.

♥ Someday... no matter how cold it is now... the snow will melt. Without fail.

♥ For there to be pain, there has to be kindness. For darkness to stand out, there has to be the sun.

♥ Maybe I'm not perfect. Maybe I have a long way to go. But someday... someday I'll be able to stand and walk on my own. Without hurting anyone... and without being a burden.

♥ We're all born with selfish desires so we can relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is created individually by each person... So it's easy to misunderstand when someone is trying to be kind to you... But, Tohru, people's differences are something to celebrate.

♥ "And if when everything ends, nothing is left in my hands...that's alright."

♥ Mingling with people, hurting them, getting hurt by them. That's how you learn about people and about yourself. If you don't, you'll never care about anyone but yourself.

♥ I want to be the only one... who can help the one I care about.

♥ "I wish I could have lived... In a kind world. Without anxiety. Without fear. Without hurting other people. Without being hurt myself. Only doing the right things. I wish I could have followed... The shortest path... To the kind world I wish for. I wish... I could have lived my life... Without making any wrong turns. But that is impossible. A path like that doesn't exist. We fail. We trip. We get lost. We make mistakes. And little by little, one step at a time... we push forward. It's all we can do. On our own two feet. Even if we get a little banged up. Someday, we'll reach something. We'll reach someone. We pray."

♥ "Crowds used to make me wonder. How many people would notice if I disappeared? I used to mull over that kind of thing constantly... once upon a time. But now... I'm a little different. It's not like that. It doesn't have to be... A lot of people. Even if it's just one person. That's enough. Having one person... is an incredible thing. Because then... It can't be zero. I was happy. I was happy then, too. I was so happy, it tickled. In the midst of all those people... She singled me out... and found me. And it's the same thing now. Having someone other than yourself... thinking of you. Looking... for you. You can't take that for granted. It's a miraculous and blessed thing."

♥ "... please don't cry anymore. I know that happy things... and fun things.. eventually come to an end. But things that are scary and sad... come to an end too. They always do. Even if you can't always believe that... please don't give up. Live. I want you to live. Even if you make a mistake, even if you take the long way, it's still okay... Just please... please live. Don't give up on pushing forward. Please. At least don't give up on that. Even if I'm not... by your side."

♥ Often times in memory, we have the tendency to overly romanticize the people we care about.

♥ Humans may be fragile creatures, but they're not weak to the extent to being crushed by their painful memories even after they meet with something unfortunate. We're far more resilient that that. Everything will be alright.

♥ "Don't worry, Kanade. What a person has actually gone through is unexpectedly different from what he remembers. Even though that gap may leave him feeling sad sometimes... Even the most vivdly clear memory... will change with time eventually."

♥ "Humans are amazing. Even though they may not see something physically... They'll still sense it. Everything else is the same. If you work hard, others will know that you work hard. If you don't work hard, others will know that you don't work hard."

♥ "Someday... You'll find someone who'll know all your good and bad points... And who'll still love you all the same."

♥ If... There was ever a Land of the Blindfolded, will the people of that land... Understand what it's like to have your blindfold come undone? Even if... Most people will never understand us... There might just be... Someone who can do that. It isn't easy to understand people's feelings... But that doesn't mean... That you're alone.

♥ It is not violence that best overcomes hate — nor vengeance that most certainly heals injury.

♥ The real courage is living and suffering for what you believe.

♥ “If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”

♥ Do not pity the dead, Harry, pity the living. Above all pity those who live without love.

♥ 每一段记忆，都有一个密码。只要时间，地点，人物组合正确，无论尘封多久，那人那景都将在遗忘中重新拾起。你也许会说“不是都过去了吗？”其实过去的只是时间，你依然逃不出，想起了就微笑或悲伤的宿命，那种宿命本叫“无能为力”。

~ Leave your mark~

~Memories~

Click To View

~ Exits ~

Click To View

~ Credits ~