The void sucks me in.

Wednesday, December 31, 2014 12:40 AM

It's all in my mind.

To an extent I can feel as though I'm receding from my surroundings. I feel as though someone caught me, just an empty shell- and whatever they try to do I respond lackadaisically.

Jolene commented that it seemed like I was brooding.

I am not sure I was actually existing at all.

With my SOSC group, I was conscious of being a spectator. Speaking when there was least chance of my being heard, listening and merely listening otherwise. Amidst the laughter and teasing there, my silence no one calls me out on.

In Coral 3 I did likewise- yet there I know that everyone tends to be listening, whether or not I lower my voice to a whisper intended for those right beside me. It's alright. It sounds creepy, yet to an extent I like it that way. There are no private conversations, merely conversations directed at specific people and welcome to all. Of course, however, private conversations I prefer when one on one.

I can feel that I'm being taken care of- that much degree of fortune I am aware of. Sherman and Lovell taking turns to ask why I'm not eating, and directing me to food- their epic reactions when I finally did take up a piece of chicken wing afterwards on Yi Teng's suggestion very much exaggerated, and yet, I can't help but feel comforted that they bother at all.

The guys dealing with the BBQ most of the time. Songko, almost permanently- yet I cannot read his expression, and don't know him well enough to know whether he's irritated about that. Josh and Lovell too- almost always dealing with food and fire for us. I know I ought feel pampered and glad of their competence... And yet what bothers me once again is that I don't know what to do, and yet I feel I should be doing something, chipping in, helping, anything, anything-!

I wonder if it would have felt better if I can simply don't worry about it.

If supposing I felt it normal- perhaps that I genuinely buy the idea that the BBQ pit was limited in size to three people tending it, and anyone else would end up slowing things down- maybe it would have been easier to deal with my incompetence and lack of initiative.

I can't help but realise from these group outings, not only the Christmas party Shannon hosted today but this BBQ run by the guys, and the steamboat that was hosted at my house... That I am extremely incompetent, and thoroughly lack initiative.

It's like... I'm not really there. Though these are people I'm pleased and looking forward to seeing... I can't seem to put in a sufficient amount of energy, can't seem to exert myself.

Can't even seem to remember who that sociable person was, the one I had been until finals period.

Can't even seem to comprehend the likelihood of that person being me.

Can't believe that anyone will continue the relation from where we left off last semester after meeting this girl.

Ending on a slightly more positive note however, it was so fortunate the heavy atmosphere that pervaded my house while I maintained this shell like existence in the presence of Coral 3 was lifted significantly when Sherman hosted this BBQ.

I kind of dread the weekly/biweekly meet ups ceasing to exist next semester.

But I guess... we will try.

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Monday, December 29, 2014 9:19 PM

It's all in my mind.

It seems that I have not learnt my lesson about interfering.

Though the conclusion made poignant this time differs largely from the other, disturbance is disturbance. Effects that shift the path of inevitabilities... Consequences that another will take in greater quantity than I.

What can I say?
When evaluations are so vastly different,
Consequences boasting such contrariety of interpretation,
Caveats, values, priorities so at odds that I even when I believe I now comprehend,
I ended up not?

I don't know what I'm to feel.
What can I say, besides apologise?

I expressed before that I believed every friendship had a limit.

Sometimes as with today I think there are so many conflicting values, methods of thinking... And, well, stubbornness and unyielding on both our parts that I feel disillusioned about our said relationship, that it's as good as proclaimed.

So many points of conflict, whether you realise it or not, whether I realise it or not. Not even saved by hearing out each others perspectives, because we fundamentally don't value similar things and thoughts. We approach it in ways more divergent than convergent.

Saved by loyalty grown of time, and anticipations that serve to a degree.

I don't know what I'm to do.
But as always, I will probably shove it under the carpet... Until another fall out.

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014 10:38 PM

It's all in my mind.

How beautiful the lake looks.
I wonder how many times the lake has already heard that.

That which is beautiful.
Is it not only that which is seen on the surface? Is it not that which is seen from the lighted pathway that keeps you safe?

Safe from the murkiness inside.
Tranquility breaks over the surface for all to see, even while the insides churn and fight its watery battles- to the death.

It is peaceful perhaps to only those that behold it from afar.

It is also only fair.

Yet such eyes we cast upon humans likewise.

Isn't that why?
The reason behind why we value image so highly?
The reason for peace, when all is not fine.
Everything is good, for now- if it isn't we would cease to see the lake the same way, or perhaps... Just leave.

Beauty is merely on the surface, skimming the lake alongside serenity.

There will be nothing to do about it, is there? Too much to hope that anyone would be interested in taking a dip. Idealistic in thinking that anyone would want to stay had they the inclination to try. Stupid to think that they will think the same, see with watery eyes, yet help step by step to overcome the demons of muddy deep.

We remain, then, on the sole point of agreement, leaving much unsaid to be heard by the wind and trees:

What a beautiful night.

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Sunday, December 14, 2014 6:46 PM

It's all in my mind.

Polished. Controlled. Serious.
Whatever the label is, it probably has its roots in truth.

I hope to feel emotions less strongly, yet I delude myself not. I can be extremely passionate- it is not only easy to set me off, but I feel them with intensity.

Conflicts. There is no end to it, is there? One followed by another, each serving as a contrast or prelude to the next. Serving nothing besides to harden my heart further in dismay, vindictive repulsion and fear.

There will be no end to it.
And I fear that I will serve as a successor to her insanity, her unreasonable persecution complex.
I am almost sure it will happen. The only way I am confident it won't in my lifetime is to die before it happens- yet I will not lose like that.
Whoever lies mute and unable to defend and retaliate remains the loser of the battle. I cannot die.
The only way to not lose its to not compete. I just have to run, run, run and never ever get in a position of power enough to afflict others as she has.

I wonder if in part that is why I go out of my way to avoid working with kids, despite the light in their eyes?

That the kids sense it and respond more blatantly than my peers. I have my guard up, and they consequently won't put theirs down. It is only logical.

I want to run and hold no influence over their life and outcome, the best bet I have to not dealing them cards rotted through.

And yet my ideal lies in the ability to inspire and lead change, nothing else suffices.

They are mutually exclusive.

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Saturday, December 6, 2014 10:15 PM

It's all in my mind.

Tonight's moon shines beautifully.
What appears a perfect circle of light, cast against the inky sky.
They complain that Singapore's skies are so cloudy, we don't see any stars.
For tonight, it doesn't matter.
The beauty of the moon encircled by a glowing rainbow. The clouds cushioning them are painted hues that turn orange, then a soft serene red.
Such a glorious, kindly red.
Were the clouds be drawn to bathe in such rare moments of perfection? Or does the moon merely illuminate the congregated clouds within its limits?

If only we could be healed by musing with the night's brilliance hanging over us. If only for tonight, we could all mimic such tranquility.

I so wish I have some means of capturing the moment that my eyes can see, but my man made devices fail to.

My wandering mind picks out bits of lyrical remembrances- 'that we are under the same blue sky'.

We are. I wonder if from different corners of our small country, we see the same night sky. I wonder if from different corners of our globe, the moon will condescend to radiate the same healing beauty.

No matter how far apart, we're under the same blue sky.

只羡鸳鸯，不羡仙。

Well there will be no end of lyrical expressions... It will continue to exist, hopefully to the end of time.

But they do say that the furthest distance is when two people are beside each other and their feelings, thoughts or intentions don't reach each other.

I wonder if I ought be sad that for every single expression, there will be another contrasting.

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014 11:08 AM

It's all in my mind.

It must be a fascinating experience learning about ourselves... Through the lenses of someone whom we are close to, through the lenses of someone we know only briefly, and those whom we don't know at all. Through words written by a stranger, for strangers, yet they resonate in varying degrees for people.

And learning about ourselves, from hearing the validity of our thoughts. Strange and fascinating- yet with the huge propensity to disturb. Suddenly we can learn that we don't know ourselves. Coming to an understanding of our behaviour or significance of our thoughts almost seem to have an irreversible effect-

At times more poignant than what others may say too, because while we can deny those charges on the basis that they don't know everything about us, we can't consciously deny the charges against ourselves without sometimes being also conscious of the feeling of denial.

Where is the middle ground?
With all inferences there is potential for a conclusion to be drawn. With all conclusions there is a degree of significance staring right in our faces, both for the conclusion and the person who drew the conclusion.

When there are inferences to interpret in literature a mere discussion will start getting the gears in our minds churning for a better understanding of the conclusion.

When there are inferences in life, it's hard to just ask. When there are conclusions drawn it's hard to just share them.

Particularly for all those thoughts trapped in my head... It would be infinitely easier to hide them all. What business have they to see light of day?

In the end will we know anyone well enough to correctly interpret their words? Will we know anyone well enough to appreciate the non obvious intent?

I can't even get myself after 19 years. How will I have a hope to comprehend anyone sufficiently then?

Labels: Vague Ponderings

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

~ Profile ~

Tan Jing Yee
River Valley High School
RVNP HotShots! (sec1'08)
~~Shuqun Primary School~~
28 July

~ some quotes ~

♥ But I think... I want to live with all my memories. Even if they're bad memories. Even if they're memories that only hurt me... that I'd rather forget. If I keep them and keep trying, without running away, then someday I'll be strong enough that those memories can't defeat me. I believe that because I want to think that there's no such thing as a memory that's ok to forget.

♥ Pain, suffering. It's pointless to just think about those things. The traveler (referring to "The Most Foolish Traveler" by Natsuki Takaya) didn't. That may be stupid to some people but that's not stupid to me. Yuki... Kyo... when you close your eyes, what do you think?

♥ Just as no matter how hard you try to keep it away... despair will attack you again and again. In the same manner hope will return to you. Again and again.

♥ Someday... no matter how cold it is now... the snow will melt. Without fail.

♥ For there to be pain, there has to be kindness. For darkness to stand out, there has to be the sun.

♥ Maybe I'm not perfect. Maybe I have a long way to go. But someday... someday I'll be able to stand and walk on my own. Without hurting anyone... and without being a burden.

♥ We're all born with selfish desires so we can relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is created individually by each person... So it's easy to misunderstand when someone is trying to be kind to you... But, Tohru, people's differences are something to celebrate.

♥ "And if when everything ends, nothing is left in my hands...that's alright."

♥ Mingling with people, hurting them, getting hurt by them. That's how you learn about people and about yourself. If you don't, you'll never care about anyone but yourself.

♥ I want to be the only one... who can help the one I care about.

♥ "I wish I could have lived... In a kind world. Without anxiety. Without fear. Without hurting other people. Without being hurt myself. Only doing the right things. I wish I could have followed... The shortest path... To the kind world I wish for. I wish... I could have lived my life... Without making any wrong turns. But that is impossible. A path like that doesn't exist. We fail. We trip. We get lost. We make mistakes. And little by little, one step at a time... we push forward. It's all we can do. On our own two feet. Even if we get a little banged up. Someday, we'll reach something. We'll reach someone. We pray."

♥ "Crowds used to make me wonder. How many people would notice if I disappeared? I used to mull over that kind of thing constantly... once upon a time. But now... I'm a little different. It's not like that. It doesn't have to be... A lot of people. Even if it's just one person. That's enough. Having one person... is an incredible thing. Because then... It can't be zero. I was happy. I was happy then, too. I was so happy, it tickled. In the midst of all those people... She singled me out... and found me. And it's the same thing now. Having someone other than yourself... thinking of you. Looking... for you. You can't take that for granted. It's a miraculous and blessed thing."

♥ "... please don't cry anymore. I know that happy things... and fun things.. eventually come to an end. But things that are scary and sad... come to an end too. They always do. Even if you can't always believe that... please don't give up. Live. I want you to live. Even if you make a mistake, even if you take the long way, it's still okay... Just please... please live. Don't give up on pushing forward. Please. At least don't give up on that. Even if I'm not... by your side."

♥ Often times in memory, we have the tendency to overly romanticize the people we care about.

♥ Humans may be fragile creatures, but they're not weak to the extent to being crushed by their painful memories even after they meet with something unfortunate. We're far more resilient that that. Everything will be alright.

♥ "Don't worry, Kanade. What a person has actually gone through is unexpectedly different from what he remembers. Even though that gap may leave him feeling sad sometimes... Even the most vivdly clear memory... will change with time eventually."

♥ "Humans are amazing. Even though they may not see something physically... They'll still sense it. Everything else is the same. If you work hard, others will know that you work hard. If you don't work hard, others will know that you don't work hard."

♥ "Someday... You'll find someone who'll know all your good and bad points... And who'll still love you all the same."

♥ If... There was ever a Land of the Blindfolded, will the people of that land... Understand what it's like to have your blindfold come undone? Even if... Most people will never understand us... There might just be... Someone who can do that. It isn't easy to understand people's feelings... But that doesn't mean... That you're alone.

♥ It is not violence that best overcomes hate — nor vengeance that most certainly heals injury.

♥ The real courage is living and suffering for what you believe.

♥ “If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”

♥ Do not pity the dead, Harry, pity the living. Above all pity those who live without love.

♥ 每一段记忆，都有一个密码。只要时间，地点，人物组合正确，无论尘封多久，那人那景都将在遗忘中重新拾起。你也许会说“不是都过去了吗？”其实过去的只是时间，你依然逃不出，想起了就微笑或悲伤的宿命，那种宿命本叫“无能为力”。

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