The void sucks me in.

Monday, August 24, 2009 9:04 PM

It's all in my mind.

Perfect.

I'm a menace to the kitchen.

Get it right, I'm the menace. Not the kitchen, whatsoever.

I just burnt the meat by leaving the fire on at full blow on the oily wok.

Then, I managed to turn the vegetables yellow by soaking them extensively in hot water.

How clever am I?

At least there's nothing for me to set fire to in ATC.

But the trees, grass and sand, perhaps?

Thankfully, I am perfectly fine in cooking my instant noodles, thank you very much.

Damn it.

Have to wake up tomorrow extra early, without my dad fetching me to school.

Nearly 100% certain I'll be the cause of Joanne's reaching school late.

My left handwriting is not getting much better.

Memories are binding me tight to the present.

What more could I ask for?

Great.

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Thursday, August 20, 2009 5:12 PM

It's all in my mind.

Very basic updates:

I am practicing writing with my left hand, and i aim to be able to write presentable legible writing by the end of this year. One reason is because i am tired of having to massage my hands vigorously after intense copying from the powerpoint slides or from the board, or writing essays during examination. Of course, for me to be able to use my left hand for the task, i would have to put in more training on speed- that would be a problem i will look at after i get the legible handwriting.

I'm suffering!! On monday, I did 220 squats. obviously not voluntarily, but ya. I thought that that was pretty slack, but no. I became all but stable the following day. Going up and especially down the stairs hurt alot, i can assure you. Seriously, even standing up and sitting back down in my chair after greeting the teachers hurt like mad. Walking on flat surfaces is as much as i can ask for, but every now and then some muscle spasms and make me wobble. Speed walking is simply too much to ask for. And with the wobbling comes imbalance, and my hand managed to wham itself onto a hard surface while i was going down the stairs... a bruise is forming, i am certain of it. And just just now, the handle of my window pinched me. HARD. Great. Just perfect.

"There are only two types of people in the world, ones that entertain, and ones that observe..." I am the latter. In every facade, every way... Yes, and i realise that there is a limit of third person POVs that I can apply. 1st person POV comes easily enough for me. At times. Just sometimes. But it is enough to show me what it can show me.

I'll leave it here for now.

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Thursday, August 13, 2009 5:53 PM

It's all in my mind.

After ROD and the subsequent death of the cute black furry tiny birdie that my mum and I found at the park connector of Jurong Lake Park on 2 August, I found out something.

Nothing stays as it is in this world.

We are just tiny, miniscule pawns in the play of the world. Nothing would affect the fate in store. Fighting fate... It's all a dream. All around us, lives are being snuffed out, things precious are being lost... we have no way to stop it.

Nothing stays at all. Nothing. The world is that harsh. It won't give you time for rationality, and it can rob away whatever it gave you. I realise that we are really, really powerless.

Fate did not take into account the amount of emotional ties on that birdie. It was so small, so new to life, and did not deserve it. Yet, it died.

Humans are not superior to any other animal either. Fragile, and emotions can crush us more thoroughly even if fate does not.

Life isn't fair.

In the end, we won't be the ones with the last laugh. That I've learnt.

With 2 things I will conclude my brief post:

1. Before doing anything, consider. As I said, emotions crush us even if fate doesn't. So don't do anything that will make someone who cares suffer. Who knows. Someone might be out there, crying out like how my sis and I did when the birdie died. The birdie didn't have a choice. We do.

2. I am going to think twice about aasking people to go and die.

In the end, nothing stays.

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

~ Profile ~

Tan Jing Yee
River Valley High School
RVNP HotShots! (sec1'08)
~~Shuqun Primary School~~
28 July

~ some quotes ~

♥ But I think... I want to live with all my memories. Even if they're bad memories. Even if they're memories that only hurt me... that I'd rather forget. If I keep them and keep trying, without running away, then someday I'll be strong enough that those memories can't defeat me. I believe that because I want to think that there's no such thing as a memory that's ok to forget.

♥ Pain, suffering. It's pointless to just think about those things. The traveler (referring to "The Most Foolish Traveler" by Natsuki Takaya) didn't. That may be stupid to some people but that's not stupid to me. Yuki... Kyo... when you close your eyes, what do you think?

♥ Just as no matter how hard you try to keep it away... despair will attack you again and again. In the same manner hope will return to you. Again and again.

♥ Someday... no matter how cold it is now... the snow will melt. Without fail.

♥ For there to be pain, there has to be kindness. For darkness to stand out, there has to be the sun.

♥ Maybe I'm not perfect. Maybe I have a long way to go. But someday... someday I'll be able to stand and walk on my own. Without hurting anyone... and without being a burden.

♥ We're all born with selfish desires so we can relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is created individually by each person... So it's easy to misunderstand when someone is trying to be kind to you... But, Tohru, people's differences are something to celebrate.

♥ "And if when everything ends, nothing is left in my hands...that's alright."

♥ Mingling with people, hurting them, getting hurt by them. That's how you learn about people and about yourself. If you don't, you'll never care about anyone but yourself.

♥ I want to be the only one... who can help the one I care about.

♥ "I wish I could have lived... In a kind world. Without anxiety. Without fear. Without hurting other people. Without being hurt myself. Only doing the right things. I wish I could have followed... The shortest path... To the kind world I wish for. I wish... I could have lived my life... Without making any wrong turns. But that is impossible. A path like that doesn't exist. We fail. We trip. We get lost. We make mistakes. And little by little, one step at a time... we push forward. It's all we can do. On our own two feet. Even if we get a little banged up. Someday, we'll reach something. We'll reach someone. We pray."

♥ "Crowds used to make me wonder. How many people would notice if I disappeared? I used to mull over that kind of thing constantly... once upon a time. But now... I'm a little different. It's not like that. It doesn't have to be... A lot of people. Even if it's just one person. That's enough. Having one person... is an incredible thing. Because then... It can't be zero. I was happy. I was happy then, too. I was so happy, it tickled. In the midst of all those people... She singled me out... and found me. And it's the same thing now. Having someone other than yourself... thinking of you. Looking... for you. You can't take that for granted. It's a miraculous and blessed thing."

♥ "... please don't cry anymore. I know that happy things... and fun things.. eventually come to an end. But things that are scary and sad... come to an end too. They always do. Even if you can't always believe that... please don't give up. Live. I want you to live. Even if you make a mistake, even if you take the long way, it's still okay... Just please... please live. Don't give up on pushing forward. Please. At least don't give up on that. Even if I'm not... by your side."

♥ Often times in memory, we have the tendency to overly romanticize the people we care about.

♥ Humans may be fragile creatures, but they're not weak to the extent to being crushed by their painful memories even after they meet with something unfortunate. We're far more resilient that that. Everything will be alright.

♥ "Don't worry, Kanade. What a person has actually gone through is unexpectedly different from what he remembers. Even though that gap may leave him feeling sad sometimes... Even the most vivdly clear memory... will change with time eventually."

♥ "Humans are amazing. Even though they may not see something physically... They'll still sense it. Everything else is the same. If you work hard, others will know that you work hard. If you don't work hard, others will know that you don't work hard."

♥ "Someday... You'll find someone who'll know all your good and bad points... And who'll still love you all the same."

♥ If... There was ever a Land of the Blindfolded, will the people of that land... Understand what it's like to have your blindfold come undone? Even if... Most people will never understand us... There might just be... Someone who can do that. It isn't easy to understand people's feelings... But that doesn't mean... That you're alone.

♥ It is not violence that best overcomes hate — nor vengeance that most certainly heals injury.

♥ The real courage is living and suffering for what you believe.

♥ “If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”

♥ Do not pity the dead, Harry, pity the living. Above all pity those who live without love.

♥ 每一段记忆，都有一个密码。只要时间，地点，人物组合正确，无论尘封多久，那人那景都将在遗忘中重新拾起。你也许会说“不是都过去了吗？”其实过去的只是时间，你依然逃不出，想起了就微笑或悲伤的宿命，那种宿命本叫“无能为力”。

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