When it is a dictatorship,
When there is no fairness,
When there is no rationality,
When there is no semblance of even bothering to seek the opinion of the rest,
Count me out of the execution, even if it will not do any harm to me. =)
Tuesday, October 28, 2014 3:05 PM
It's all in my mind.
There are times when I wonder what's the point of humankind if all we can do is to diverge in our approaches, preferences and motivations. Besides for personal gain, there will probably be nothing significant that can be achieved.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014 11:58 PM
It's all in my mind.
Disappointment.
It swirls-almost beautifully, when it drops into clear water.
It churns- manipulating to destabilise the entity it resides in, carefully, skillfully.
And then it consumes- leaving nothing but raw darkness behind.
I wish I were able to differentiate my types of trust as you.
I can't, and I have them mixed up and overlapped.
Eventually, I merely disappoint myself.
Monday, October 20, 2014 3:59 PM
It's all in my mind.
The wrong mood. Just the wrong mood.
The smiles that I was able to give, the light I felt free to spare from my eyes... For a better word diminished, for a worse word vanquished.
So tiring, to put on a smile when I need to pretend not to know, that which I do know.
So tedious, to hold back the questions that I know are too pointed for a first meeting, when it's implicitly smacked in my face that I ought to have thought about all these things, that it is necessary of me as a soci student.
So draining, for me to wait and receive only what I already gleaned before.
No, today simply served to demoralise.
On one hand I feel as though I'm meeting an idealistic, ungrounded person as well.
Then I begin to understand how exasperating it must be, for some people, to listen to me.
To change the girls' attitudes- social capital, cultural capital, financial capital.
Why has it not succeeded before?
Isn't it because the institution has not had an overwhelming kind of school spirit, some all encompassing morale, vision, ambition, way of doing things?
It's not only the girls. It is the home. It is the culture of both land and their surroundings.
Of course you need the teachers to be motivated as well.
How is it that it has failed and failed and failed before? Is it not an indication that there has been something not addressed, not changed, not ingrained by nature of the working environment or the home's ethos?
Money. Power. Glory has yet to descend. Why? What are the people ultimately wielding the power doing?
The tone as they said that the girls are lazy. Such a disconnected tone that I just cringe.
The happy tone as they talk about the girls who were sweet.
As though sweet is the upper limit for the girls there, not to have too much expectations.
If they don't make that problem not only the girls' problems,
the caretakers problems but everyone's problem, there will not be a solution to tap on.
Already, I'm losing heart.
The wrong mood. Even with a change in context, surroundings, still the wrong mood. Only the worst jumps at me now.
Thursday, October 16, 2014 11:54 PM
It's all in my mind.
Overwhelmed.
Happiness is in short supply- it runs out exceedingly fast.
Anxiety is flooding in. Like a hole in my seemingly proper defence, overlooked-
The water gains upon me. The small hole has given way to what is much worse.
The tear is visible.
The structure will not hold.
I stay there, immobile.
Not from choice.
Like a deer in the headlights, I watch as judgement creeps upon me.
Saturday, October 11, 2014 1:10 AM
It's all in my mind.
Everything's wrong.
God, how could I ever have thought I'd be able to pull this off.
It's devouring me from within.
A building empty but for the frame.
A body present without the soul.
A fire without oxygen.
Meaningless and hopeless. God.
Never before ought I wish for a degree of sadism and insanity to free myself from myself. To adorn my being with testaments to scream what I cannot.
Just how many more tears of desperation need I shed before I move past this feeling.
Friday, October 10, 2014 12:12 PM
It's all in my mind.
Nothing less than an addict.
The shortness of breath.
The growing anxiety that threatens to suffocate me.
The haphazard rush to search, to fumble in desperation.
The right song eludes me.
The right words slip through my grasp.
It's as though the foundations of my being are crumbling under me.
I want to hide, but who can hide from reality?
Thursday, October 9, 2014 10:05 PM
It's all in my mind.
I know things are okay now.
I know it with a certainty that calms me.
For my eyes never will be drawn,
My body will never find itself hooked-
My legs will never yield with the weakness of my soul,
To places buried and promising naught but heartbreak.
Things are not okay now. I wish to dissolve myself down to my bones in a flash of fire, My screams breaking my will once and for all. Leave the ideals for a more capable person. Spare me the chores of existence.
Sunday, October 5, 2014 12:17 AM
It's all in my mind.
The song anchoring me in a semblance of sanity right now.
I just want to scream, run and hide.
I can't.
I have to. I can't.
I have things I want to do for myself, that which I know I will feel better after doing. I cannot.
Next best thing to do is to burn my eardrums,
Hold onto the last vestiges of my discipline,
And try not to throw my hands up in surrender.
I want to scream, and I cannot.
How goddamn fast need I run in order to run from those problems?
How goddamn fast need I run to run from myself?
~ Profile ~
Tan Jing Yee
River Valley High School
RVNP HotShots! (sec1'08) Shuqun Primary School
28 July
~ some quotes ~
♥ But I think... I want to live with all my memories. Even if they're bad memories. Even if they're memories that only hurt me... that I'd rather forget. If I keep them and keep trying, without running away, then someday I'll be strong enough that those memories can't defeat me. I believe that because I want to think that there's no such thing as a memory that's ok to forget.
♥ Pain, suffering. It's pointless to just think about those things. The traveler (referring to "The Most Foolish Traveler" by Natsuki Takaya) didn't. That may be stupid to some people but that's not stupid to me. Yuki... Kyo... when you close your eyes, what do you think?
♥ Just as no matter how hard you try to keep it away... despair will attack you again and again. In the same manner hope will return to you. Again and again.
♥ Someday... no matter how cold it is now... the snow will melt. Without fail.
♥ For there to be pain, there has to be kindness. For darkness to stand out, there has to be the sun.
♥ Maybe I'm not perfect. Maybe I have a long way to go. But someday... someday I'll be able to stand and walk on my own. Without hurting anyone... and without being a burden.
♥ We're all born with selfish desires so we can relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is created individually by each person... So it's easy to misunderstand when someone is trying to be kind to you... But, Tohru, people's differences are something to celebrate.
♥ "And if when everything ends, nothing is left in my hands...that's alright."
♥ Mingling with people, hurting them, getting hurt by them. That's how you learn about people and about yourself. If you don't, you'll never care about anyone but yourself.
♥ I want to be the only one... who can help the one I care about.
♥ "I wish I could have lived... In a kind world. Without anxiety. Without fear. Without hurting other people. Without being hurt myself. Only doing the right things. I wish I could have followed... The shortest path... To the kind world I wish for.
I wish... I could have lived my life... Without making any wrong turns. But that is impossible. A path like that doesn't exist. We fail. We trip. We get lost. We make mistakes. And little by little, one step at a time... we push forward. It's all we can do. On our own two feet. Even if we get a little banged up. Someday, we'll reach something. We'll reach someone. We pray."
♥ "Crowds used to make me wonder. How many people would notice if I disappeared? I used to mull over that kind of thing constantly... once upon a time. But now... I'm a little different. It's not like that. It doesn't have to be... A lot of people. Even if it's just one person. That's enough. Having one person... is an incredible thing. Because then... It can't be zero. I was happy. I was happy then, too. I was so happy, it tickled. In the midst of all those people... She singled me out... and found me. And it's the same thing now. Having someone other than yourself... thinking of you. Looking... for you. You can't take that for granted. It's a miraculous and blessed thing."
♥ "... please don't cry anymore. I know that happy things... and fun things.. eventually come to an end. But things that are scary and sad... come to an end too. They always do. Even if you can't always believe that... please don't give up. Live. I want you to live. Even if you make a mistake, even if you take the long way, it's still okay... Just please... please live. Don't give up on pushing forward. Please. At least don't give up on that. Even if I'm not... by your side."
♥ Often times in memory, we have the tendency to overly romanticize the people we care about.
♥ Humans may be fragile creatures, but they're not weak to the extent to being crushed by their painful memories even after they meet with something unfortunate. We're far more resilient that that. Everything will be alright.
♥ "Don't worry, Kanade. What a person has actually gone through is unexpectedly different from what he remembers. Even though that gap may leave him feeling sad sometimes... Even the most vivdly clear memory... will change with time eventually."
♥ "Humans are amazing. Even though they may not see something physically... They'll still sense it. Everything else is the same. If you work hard, others will know that you work hard. If you don't work hard, others will know that you don't work hard."
♥ "Someday... You'll find someone who'll know all your good and bad points... And who'll still love you all the same."
♥ If... There was ever a Land of the Blindfolded, will the people of that land... Understand what it's like to have your blindfold come undone? Even if... Most people will never understand us... There might just be... Someone who can do that. It isn't easy to understand people's feelings... But that doesn't mean... That you're alone.
♥ It is not violence that best overcomes hate — nor vengeance that most certainly heals injury.
♥ The real courage is living and suffering for what you believe.
♥ “If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”
♥ Do not pity the dead, Harry, pity the living. Above all pity those who live without love.
