Thursday, July 30, 2009 9:20 PM
It's all in my mind.
After seeing a particular squadmate's blog, I realise that we are similar. Unfortunately, I am unable to do anything, even if I would attempt to cross the gender barrier to make friends. After all, he is the one who socializes better. And basically because I have lost faith in guys, I believe. My writing style is inferior to his, but his posts have inspired me to open up a little. Then again, which critic can come and enlighten me? I don't know.
--
The heart is a weak thing. That i realise enough after reading my past journals. Sometimes I wonder why I bother to have a blog here, when there is countless of paper just a step away from me. Is it truly a need to socialize thus? I do not know. I do not know anymore.
But, no. That is not the point. I realise that after ZK, I had become what I would call crazy now, for all the rest of the primary school life. Basically. My theory, I'm not sure if it's posted somewhere in this blog already, but my theory is that what I could not get over was not ZK. Sure, his image lingered, and my heart reacted to seeing him, but that crazy (in the hurt, painful way) unbalanced behavior... Was because a part of me couldn't stop liking him. I don't want to say love- but it sure felt like it. And when the "No, I don't" was written, that part of me was torn away from my self. The one that I had been mourning so long was my self.
Weakened, the heart (shudders to say "my heart") struggles for support. All means related to Sqps. Close friends, who would not understand, but could tolerate it. Others- which was certainly a bad idea.
Professor Dumbledore had said that with understanding comes healing... something like that. My decision, the very worst one, was to write that I won't disturb him any more. No understanding, see. I suppose I was so unbalanced that until the end of Sqps life, we never got back to where we had started.
All my primary school life, I had made landmines for myself. Without knowing. Being too caught up with things being my fault. I can name several things I regret. And carrying these factors into secondary school, I burden myself. Too much.
I tried to write, but I realise that my style is too irregular. Unstable. From journals, I tried to switch to writing stories, but it didn't work out. I only could write sad scenes. Happy endings I could not think of. Perhaps it became an outlet for my emotions.
After the end of the June holidays, I realise that I have changed. A little. My writing skill, I reckon, degraded further, my EQ got worse, but that's not the point. The sorrow I can see from a third person's point of view, however, fully feeling for the subject. It is interesting to hear that EnQi fills up the empty space in her in various ways- I think back. Last act, I "emo"-ed, but I did not feel anything while I did. A curious thing- I was thinking about the squad, and the gaping hole did not affect me. Little awareness for my surrounding. Occasionally looking up and smiling, to acknowledge my existance. Too used to the emptiness? I don't know.
Perhaps what we should do is leave our character standing upon the everchanging stage of life, and try to see from the director's stand. Perhaps we would realise more. Perhaps we would appreciate more. Perhaps... nothing would be gained.
But still, who could truly give you advice for such matters of the heart?
Battle on.
Not the game, dammit.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009 9:17 PM
It's all in my mind.
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Damn it, I forgot exactly what I wanted to say when I saw this posting thing.I know a lot of thoughts are running across my head, untangible ones...
Alright, for starters, the picture on your left are some of the things that I received for my birthday. The pink feminine dress i left out... too bright. too short. too tightfitting. OMG. GAH. I doubt I would ever wear it... GAH. Si Min gave me a notebook, for me to write my stories... I can't help but feel surprised, in a good way... She noticed that I wrote in class- woah. Is it so obvious? Then again, I may never finish using it, because I just have a whim, but may never set to work. How pathetic. Siyao and Hanzhang bought me the panda pillow. Ya, it's flat. Unfortunately. The latter said that I looked as dumb as the panda, when I made a particular face. == Okay. Anyway, I called it Momo-chan. Calling it Momiji is obviously wrong, cause he's the rabbit. Momo seems like a good idea. Haru, Rin, these are out of the picture. I'm even getting used to calling it Momo-chan.
Right. Erm... It was shocking in a not terrible way when classmates started wishing me happy birthday, apart from Joanne, Si Min, Hui Li and En Qi. Majority of the girl population in class. Obviously the guys wouldn't... Who cares though. I dunno why, but does it matter? Wait. What am I talking about now? My mind just drifted. Forget it. Cease description on birthday.
Last act, Staff Wee Teck asked us, after Sergeant Si Min and Staff Raymeo talked to us, whether we had anything to say to him. That unnerved me. Ex I/C Sir Qin Hui kept asking that before ROD. Then, there was that impulse that urged me to say something... But no, I did not say. That resulted in a kind of guilty feeling whenever I saw Ex I/C Staff Li Ting. Furthermore, after all these while, she still cared about Rvnp Sec 1'08. Giving us chocolate as encouragement for promotion to Lance. I dunno what to say. (except perhaps it's a pity i couldnt eat peanut?) ...
We spent this act doing ROD preparation. I'm pretty pathetic at the dance- can't keep up with the music, can't combine the theory with the actual thing. Never mind. Once again I wish with great intensity that I can pick up psychology in university. I don't understand myself, not to say others. This act, I seem to have learnt things that I never anticipated. Like Foonghui saying that she was afraid of me getting angry? I don't know how that could have happened. A lot of things. I don't know. I don't know how to behave during the different circumstances. I don't know anymore. I don't know.
Looking forward to home econs lesson tomorrow.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009 7:05 PM
It's all in my mind.
一生与20分钟
- 文：晓天
11岁那年的一天，我和爸爸照列出门去散步。经过北区河畔殡仪馆门口的时候，爸爸突然停住脚步，问了我一个莫名其妙的问题：“几点了？” 我看了看表，告诉他是10点30分。爸爸又问我看到了什么？“没什么特别值得注意的，” 我回答，一群人--- 大概150个，正排队进殡仪馆。”
“嗯，眼力不错。” 爸爸满意地点点头，接着跟我讨论起体育新闻来。
说了一刻多钟，我发现他还没有离开殡仪馆的意思，就问：
“我们要不要继续散步？”
爸爸却突然提出第二个奇怪的问题：“儿子，你现在看到什么？” 我向殡仪馆门口望去，刚才进出的人现在又排队出来了。
“还是没什么特别的，” 我耸耸肩，“估计是追悼会刚结束，进去的人已经出来了。” “非常正确，” 他说，“你看看现在几点了。” 我说是10点50分。
爸爸点点头，若有所思地说：“对，人的一生总结起来也不过这么长时间。” 我疑惑地抬起头：“什么时间？爸爸，我不明白您在说什么。”
“你看，儿子，追悼会上牧师会宣读悼词，也就是对死者一生的总结。宣读悼词只不过短短的20分钟，很多当时被认为是巨大的挫折或伟大的成就，其实只是微不足道的小事，根本进不了这20分钟。你长大后，无论是沮丧还是得意的时候，都要记得我这句话，你将发现眼前的道路会变得开阔许多。”
少年文摘2009年，3月刊，31页。
Labels: Random Sharing
Friday, July 10, 2009 8:07 PM
It's all in my mind.
Done with the Fruits Basket manga... I liked it, though not really the ending. The part where Tohru got "rejected" by Kyo, and when she fell, and the part where she ran away... they made me cry. Is it my fault though? I doubt. Something just welled up in me.
Now I'm super interested in watching Monster anime. Ya know, the two times I turned on okto/Kids Channel with an interval of a year or so, (the second time being recently) I saw Monster on animania. The very interesting thing was, both times, it was the same episode, and approximately the same section! I couldn't take it anymore, and decided to watch it! =) The thing is, I tried reading the manga on onemanga.com but the style is so different from what i've read that I gave up. And went on youtube to watch. Now on episode 2, 2/3. Can't wait to continue though. =) Meanwhile, I am still reading Case Closed manga- Detective Conan manga! Love it.
I decided to write the short story in class based on a random dream I had. It was in first person's point of view, but I changed it in the compo. It was really random, and, sadly, I doubt that I managed to make it as suspenseful as how I felt in the dream. Oh well. The idea of writing short stories do not really appeal to me now- ever since the word limit was shown to be 500 words. Without fail, I would exceed it. And for no good reason. Gah. ARgh.
...
Looking back at the messages that I sent Scott eons ago, I realise that I've been very childish. Stupid, probably. I kinda make mistakes that I keep realising with every day of my growing up that it was silly... GAH. Major problem. It must have been awkward for him to have to entertain a little kiddie 2 years younger, whose mind was much younger than that! GAH. Damn it... *looks away* How am I going to face him if I see him at SQPS during Teacher's Day?! Then again, fate may give me a twist and, without knowing, we pass each other as we do always. Then again... -_- My gosh, I am a major imbecile. Sigh.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009 9:47 PM
It's all in my mind.
Aw, I just love this roadrunner!! ♥
The holiday has been too short. In my heart, it feels simply like an extended weekend, a long one, a loonng loonng one. Nothing more than that. I have accomplished nothing in it, but perhaps some resistance that comes in handy in my return to school. I feel unprepared for school- maybe just unprepared for the long long time I have to study. Now, looking at him gives me no emotions- he was, after all, simply a friend. Fate caused us to walk different paths, now that we meet, there is nothing similar for the connection to revive.
I remember that in P6, sometime after PSLE, I called Mrs Chuah (or the opposite?) and I talked to her. I forgot the details, mainly. She spoke of distancing, and that in the end, everyone will go their own way. Primary school would simply become a memory. I remembered that I cried while on the phone with her, that brief, short while. Now, the same emotions well up in me. It's true. And while we watch it happen, we are powerless in the conquest of vanquishing the emotions that connect us to what we truly loved, what we believed would last a long time.
Shuqun. Something in me has replaced the love for this school, to be replaced with apprehension, fear, worry. In many aspects I change, and continue to change. But memories shouldn't change. It shouldn't. Mdm Aisah commented on my journal- i forgot the exact phrasing, but it was to the effect that one day, i would look on my entries and cringe. Like she did. Now I do. In fact, I cringe at alot of things I did, said, thought, wrote. But this isn't the effect of growing up. This is the effect of forgetting, what used to be so important in our lives.
I have no idea why I want to post this, all of a sudden. I just feel... I dunno. Something big is changing, and not for the better. Perhaps this is my imagination, and probably it won't happen. Probably I am giving a wrong name to what I feel now. With no reason, I feel that I want to hug my mum more. What if I did not shower her with affection and she was taken from me? Or me from her? It sounds stupid, coz neither are injured, ill, etc, but I just feel. Meanwhile, studying is a meaningless word to me. Hanzhang said that all things are meaningless, and Peiling that living is a curse. To some effect, I agree. I don't know what to call this.
