The void sucks me in.

Tuesday, November 29, 2016 12:38 AM

It's all in my mind.

It was just a spur of the moment comment as I pulled out the orange coloured refill, and a random wistful comment that I wouldn't get to see it used for I will have no group work alongside that marker next semester.

To be pleasantly and positively taken aback that the orange refill, such a bright and contrasting colour than his intended blue... was somewhat reassuring. In a small, inconsequential way, as though I would still be around regardless.

The other day, as I pulled out my marker he took his out to try the orange ink. For a moment, he looked disappointed or cheated that the colour that came out was purple anyway.

Yet it would come, and we saw hints of it appearing.

So very fascinating, as I imagine the orange slowly seeping through the purple marker to make its mark, to move towards the forefront of its existence.

Even if it were to become purple on the next refill, the same procedure would happen with the remnant orange ink.

And somehow, it feels like a metaphor for life.

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016 4:54 PM

It's all in my mind.

And so the sem closed with my first cycle being over! I have yet to think about the things to reflect about for my team and my specific project, but I just met with Maxine for coffee chat and wanted to try to remember several things.

I wasn't really able to answer her question when she asked what was my key takeaway from the project, outside of the things I shared about with our partner that day. I found that I was unsure of what to reply, though I did have leftover unanswered questions: the key of which is what constituted a good team. With my experience with imperfect teams, it is easier to identify what the heck is wrong with them, when we track the negative and when and where it arose.

But with the positive experiences? It is almost like a synergy started growing, and I did not notice where it began and do not know how to replicate it. It's like a complex problem.

I guess one part that made it so was Shujun's little wins. It allowed us to see each other beyond the aspect that we see most, which is in the work element. And also when Shujun makes sure that everyone gets to speak, she does it in such a way that she's not going down the checklist, but that it's comical in that she arrows.

I shared with Maxine that this was not very easy to replicate in a way, because for me when I deesiao it is usually more harsh, and I get away with it because it kind of bounces off the guys in PH to whom I direct all of this. But if I did it with a bunch of people too early into the acquaintance? It would probably be quite bad.

Another aspect that helped was really Alexis's positive energy and chatty style! At the very beginning when we still needed to break the ice, and she really let Shujun and I warm up to her.

For Himanshu, I guess he embodied how it didn't matter whether you were from the first cycle or not. Never using word choices like "Based on my experience" or "Maybe you don't know because you're new" or anything of the sort. Whereas Shujun does it similarly except explicitly saying that.

Perhaps it's also the dynamics- that there was never a culture of deferring to the PL because, just because. Which would have made it very different.

Maxine said that she agreed with Shujun in that she saw the potential in me to be PL and to contribute even more by doing so... But I don't know. For me I kind of have a wait and see mentality? Waiting for Shujun to run as ADP haha. But the real worry for me is not that I cannot deal with people under normal circumstances (the feedback reassures me that I'm good with that, shockingly) but I am worried that I cannot interact with work. The obstacles are conceptualising structures- PL needs to conceptualise workstreams, and conceptualise the scope of the project as well as the timeframes... Which if I judge by how I deal with my work, it's very badly done. And these structures might have a ripple effect on how the team grows and how the team reacts to me.

Maxine asked if I felt that I gained whatever I wanted to gain at the beginning of the cycle. I'm not sure about that, whether it's applicable but the cycle satisfies me anyway because the team is tight and the partner is satisfied. Maxine asked if I felt that I could approach the problems better now, and honestly, I am not sure? I am better at chipping in when someone actually has a thought about what needs to be done. I'm still very uncertain about how to structure something.

She also asked what kind of ACs I would like to get, and also what I would want my ACs to know in my second cycle... For the latter, I said that I wanted to know that regardless of their experience and which cycle they were on, their perspectives are equally appreciated.

For the former, people who want to have a tight team and yet don't just have fun with no work. Preferably find work fun.

Apparently I have the entire semester on exchange to think about it, and think about how I decide to contribute to Conjunct!

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Wednesday, November 2, 2016 9:32 AM

It's all in my mind.

I realise that I am just so inadequately prepared for anything at all.
It's pretty amazing. It's either I'm not sure about how the ideal state looks like, or that I understand how the ideal state looks like but do not know how the steps in between should look... Or else, it's that the number of steps in between just look so incomprehensibly great that I feel that the ideal state can just be forgone.

It seems like on every single step of the way, I'm inadequately aware of what is demanded of me as an adult, or as a thinking individual.
What is Ni even, what is Ti even, when I don't see any single bit of it in my daily life- my functions seem muted, and I seem just to be living day by day.

It annoys me. And if opportunity exists, there will always be some constraints that seem large enough to inhibit me from taking them.

In a matter of hours after having written this, consultation with Prof Araz became a mini life coaching session. He's quite inspiring. And as he talked I could feel myself inching towards believing in his type of life philosophy, and yet, as people on the verge of the cliff are, I hesitate moving.

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

~ Profile ~

Tan Jing Yee
River Valley High School
RVNP HotShots! (sec1'08)
~~Shuqun Primary School~~
28 July

~ some quotes ~

♥ But I think... I want to live with all my memories. Even if they're bad memories. Even if they're memories that only hurt me... that I'd rather forget. If I keep them and keep trying, without running away, then someday I'll be strong enough that those memories can't defeat me. I believe that because I want to think that there's no such thing as a memory that's ok to forget.

♥ Pain, suffering. It's pointless to just think about those things. The traveler (referring to "The Most Foolish Traveler" by Natsuki Takaya) didn't. That may be stupid to some people but that's not stupid to me. Yuki... Kyo... when you close your eyes, what do you think?

♥ Just as no matter how hard you try to keep it away... despair will attack you again and again. In the same manner hope will return to you. Again and again.

♥ Someday... no matter how cold it is now... the snow will melt. Without fail.

♥ For there to be pain, there has to be kindness. For darkness to stand out, there has to be the sun.

♥ Maybe I'm not perfect. Maybe I have a long way to go. But someday... someday I'll be able to stand and walk on my own. Without hurting anyone... and without being a burden.

♥ We're all born with selfish desires so we can relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is created individually by each person... So it's easy to misunderstand when someone is trying to be kind to you... But, Tohru, people's differences are something to celebrate.

♥ "And if when everything ends, nothing is left in my hands...that's alright."

♥ Mingling with people, hurting them, getting hurt by them. That's how you learn about people and about yourself. If you don't, you'll never care about anyone but yourself.

♥ I want to be the only one... who can help the one I care about.

♥ "I wish I could have lived... In a kind world. Without anxiety. Without fear. Without hurting other people. Without being hurt myself. Only doing the right things. I wish I could have followed... The shortest path... To the kind world I wish for. I wish... I could have lived my life... Without making any wrong turns. But that is impossible. A path like that doesn't exist. We fail. We trip. We get lost. We make mistakes. And little by little, one step at a time... we push forward. It's all we can do. On our own two feet. Even if we get a little banged up. Someday, we'll reach something. We'll reach someone. We pray."

♥ "Crowds used to make me wonder. How many people would notice if I disappeared? I used to mull over that kind of thing constantly... once upon a time. But now... I'm a little different. It's not like that. It doesn't have to be... A lot of people. Even if it's just one person. That's enough. Having one person... is an incredible thing. Because then... It can't be zero. I was happy. I was happy then, too. I was so happy, it tickled. In the midst of all those people... She singled me out... and found me. And it's the same thing now. Having someone other than yourself... thinking of you. Looking... for you. You can't take that for granted. It's a miraculous and blessed thing."

♥ "... please don't cry anymore. I know that happy things... and fun things.. eventually come to an end. But things that are scary and sad... come to an end too. They always do. Even if you can't always believe that... please don't give up. Live. I want you to live. Even if you make a mistake, even if you take the long way, it's still okay... Just please... please live. Don't give up on pushing forward. Please. At least don't give up on that. Even if I'm not... by your side."

♥ Often times in memory, we have the tendency to overly romanticize the people we care about.

♥ Humans may be fragile creatures, but they're not weak to the extent to being crushed by their painful memories even after they meet with something unfortunate. We're far more resilient that that. Everything will be alright.

♥ "Don't worry, Kanade. What a person has actually gone through is unexpectedly different from what he remembers. Even though that gap may leave him feeling sad sometimes... Even the most vivdly clear memory... will change with time eventually."

♥ "Humans are amazing. Even though they may not see something physically... They'll still sense it. Everything else is the same. If you work hard, others will know that you work hard. If you don't work hard, others will know that you don't work hard."

♥ "Someday... You'll find someone who'll know all your good and bad points... And who'll still love you all the same."

♥ If... There was ever a Land of the Blindfolded, will the people of that land... Understand what it's like to have your blindfold come undone? Even if... Most people will never understand us... There might just be... Someone who can do that. It isn't easy to understand people's feelings... But that doesn't mean... That you're alone.

♥ It is not violence that best overcomes hate — nor vengeance that most certainly heals injury.

♥ The real courage is living and suffering for what you believe.

♥ “If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”

♥ Do not pity the dead, Harry, pity the living. Above all pity those who live without love.

♥ 每一段记忆，都有一个密码。只要时间，地点，人物组合正确，无论尘封多久，那人那景都将在遗忘中重新拾起。你也许会说“不是都过去了吗？”其实过去的只是时间，你依然逃不出，想起了就微笑或悲伤的宿命，那种宿命本叫“无能为力”。

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