The void sucks me in.

Friday, April 24, 2015 3:03 PM

It's all in my mind.

On the edge of desire and dread.
Conflicting- it feels as though the one force that can push or inhibit myself remains myself.
It is at the same time liberating and suffocating.

So many things we leave and seek to do.
Yet when their words ring across the dimension of time and space, it rumbles of half-fulfilled wishes.
As though whatever they leave to do gains only secondary importance in the shadow of our individual frailties.

Those flaws I am conscious of, those that I am unconscious of-
Will they introduce the catalyst for me to improve myself, or will it serve to trip me up?

When Lovell referenced Pendeza yesterday, his words referenced the opportunity for growth.
Will it? Will I?
But if I go in doubtful, ain't I heading on the path set to sabotage myself?

I should not be worried about this.
My person ought come secondary.
Yet if my person is the vessel to a larger change, a real hindrance it could be.

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Saturday, April 18, 2015 4:03 PM

It's all in my mind.

"I admired Elsa Greer because she had guts, because she could fight, because she stood up to her tormentors and never quailed! But I admired Caroline Crale because she didn't fight, because she retreated into her world of half lights and shadows. She was never defeated because she never gave battle."

-Quentin Fogg, "Five little pigs" by Agatha Christie

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015 12:17 AM

It's all in my mind.

At incoming destruction, is it not natural to hold on to a sense of self-preservation?
Struggle, for the last vestiges of survival?
Seems that I stay stagnant, willing and ready for the water to consume me, for darkness to close in on me, for the stage to be set to hate myself, yet miraculously make no change at the end of it all.

My individual grades have come out for TWC, and unlike what I anticipated, the promise of a bad grade is not helping to add to my anxiety to do better.
It's like... just screw it, I am going to do badly in my finals anyway.
The fire is inexistent.

I wonder if I put myself on the wonderful path to destroying my individual component grades throughout the first thirteen weeks of the semester, then drift about to destroy my final grades with the last two.
It's so ridiculous it is almost laughable.

I really wish that I can be thrown off the surface of the earth.

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Friday, April 10, 2015 11:02 PM

It's all in my mind.

Trapped within a dream, a waking dream.

In your company, it's hard to imagine that the second semester is coming to a close.

For each twist of choice that sustains what we have through the stress of work, conflict of commitments and clash of styles; for all of the arrows, smiles, conversations and teasing in the process; for each twist of fate that brings us on this inevitability together: I am grateful.

Thank you for putting up with my blur side, my morose person, my silence.

Thank you for putting up with my strange questions, my weird ideas, my caustic jabbing.

In this dream finals are secondary to this warmth, and we will last the following years.

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Thursday, April 9, 2015 4:44 PM

It's all in my mind.

It seems almost silly to even think so, since I have Jolene who actively supports and works with me to make those birthday plannings work out.

It seems almost petty to even think so, for in all honesty have some of the rest have sometimes given to brainstorming or sharing in the fun, affirming as we come up with ideas.

That's why I feel bad to say this, but many times it feels cold.
Almost as though we have fallen into a routine, and it is merely Jolene and I orchestrating it.
Sometimes it feels as though we are dragging people around to make these things work against their will.
Yet they stay silent most of the time.

As though this is a play they are getting used to.
Getting used to working in the backstage, or simply turning up as the audience for a two-man show.

It feels cold.

I sometimes end up wondering if both me and Jolene dart backstage, whether the rest will step into the limelight to conduct the organisation more beautifully.
I take it back. I suppose they will.

Which makes me cringe a little more at how I might never get to know how they envision things.
How they would organise.
How they would delegate.
How they would get everyone moving.

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Monday, April 6, 2015 9:40 PM

It's all in my mind.

The exasperation with which I have to watch a pointless argument emerge.

My initial lighthearted chiding, disregarded.

My eventual ultimatum, disregarded.

What is it that appeals to them so about arguing their case?
Is it not apparent that their premises are different, and irreconcilable if they neither of them yield?

What is it that propels their voices, their minds, their persons to these lengths?

Pride?

Narrow-mindedness?

Existing negativity?

They can't not see it- it's right before their eyes.

What chance do we have left for a harmonious family when better sense does not intervene?

The walls are shattering, the ceiling is quivering. Things are already falling apart.

Is there a need to speed up the progress with this stupidity?

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Friday, April 3, 2015 5:51 PM

It's all in my mind.

Perhaps in another life, my hearing could be gifted to one whose surroundings made it all worth it.

Perhaps in another life, the only thing I can hear would be the blare of music.

Not your harsh, degrading words.

To watch the happiness of those who've recovered sight and hearing has always been amazing.

Perhaps with them those gifts would be better protected. I cannot.

Perhaps in another life, I would be spared living at birth.

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

~ Profile ~

Tan Jing Yee
River Valley High School
RVNP HotShots! (sec1'08)
~~Shuqun Primary School~~
28 July

~ some quotes ~

♥ But I think... I want to live with all my memories. Even if they're bad memories. Even if they're memories that only hurt me... that I'd rather forget. If I keep them and keep trying, without running away, then someday I'll be strong enough that those memories can't defeat me. I believe that because I want to think that there's no such thing as a memory that's ok to forget.

♥ Pain, suffering. It's pointless to just think about those things. The traveler (referring to "The Most Foolish Traveler" by Natsuki Takaya) didn't. That may be stupid to some people but that's not stupid to me. Yuki... Kyo... when you close your eyes, what do you think?

♥ Just as no matter how hard you try to keep it away... despair will attack you again and again. In the same manner hope will return to you. Again and again.

♥ Someday... no matter how cold it is now... the snow will melt. Without fail.

♥ For there to be pain, there has to be kindness. For darkness to stand out, there has to be the sun.

♥ Maybe I'm not perfect. Maybe I have a long way to go. But someday... someday I'll be able to stand and walk on my own. Without hurting anyone... and without being a burden.

♥ We're all born with selfish desires so we can relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is created individually by each person... So it's easy to misunderstand when someone is trying to be kind to you... But, Tohru, people's differences are something to celebrate.

♥ "And if when everything ends, nothing is left in my hands...that's alright."

♥ Mingling with people, hurting them, getting hurt by them. That's how you learn about people and about yourself. If you don't, you'll never care about anyone but yourself.

♥ I want to be the only one... who can help the one I care about.

♥ "I wish I could have lived... In a kind world. Without anxiety. Without fear. Without hurting other people. Without being hurt myself. Only doing the right things. I wish I could have followed... The shortest path... To the kind world I wish for. I wish... I could have lived my life... Without making any wrong turns. But that is impossible. A path like that doesn't exist. We fail. We trip. We get lost. We make mistakes. And little by little, one step at a time... we push forward. It's all we can do. On our own two feet. Even if we get a little banged up. Someday, we'll reach something. We'll reach someone. We pray."

♥ "Crowds used to make me wonder. How many people would notice if I disappeared? I used to mull over that kind of thing constantly... once upon a time. But now... I'm a little different. It's not like that. It doesn't have to be... A lot of people. Even if it's just one person. That's enough. Having one person... is an incredible thing. Because then... It can't be zero. I was happy. I was happy then, too. I was so happy, it tickled. In the midst of all those people... She singled me out... and found me. And it's the same thing now. Having someone other than yourself... thinking of you. Looking... for you. You can't take that for granted. It's a miraculous and blessed thing."

♥ "... please don't cry anymore. I know that happy things... and fun things.. eventually come to an end. But things that are scary and sad... come to an end too. They always do. Even if you can't always believe that... please don't give up. Live. I want you to live. Even if you make a mistake, even if you take the long way, it's still okay... Just please... please live. Don't give up on pushing forward. Please. At least don't give up on that. Even if I'm not... by your side."

♥ Often times in memory, we have the tendency to overly romanticize the people we care about.

♥ Humans may be fragile creatures, but they're not weak to the extent to being crushed by their painful memories even after they meet with something unfortunate. We're far more resilient that that. Everything will be alright.

♥ "Don't worry, Kanade. What a person has actually gone through is unexpectedly different from what he remembers. Even though that gap may leave him feeling sad sometimes... Even the most vivdly clear memory... will change with time eventually."

♥ "Humans are amazing. Even though they may not see something physically... They'll still sense it. Everything else is the same. If you work hard, others will know that you work hard. If you don't work hard, others will know that you don't work hard."

♥ "Someday... You'll find someone who'll know all your good and bad points... And who'll still love you all the same."

♥ If... There was ever a Land of the Blindfolded, will the people of that land... Understand what it's like to have your blindfold come undone? Even if... Most people will never understand us... There might just be... Someone who can do that. It isn't easy to understand people's feelings... But that doesn't mean... That you're alone.

♥ It is not violence that best overcomes hate — nor vengeance that most certainly heals injury.

♥ The real courage is living and suffering for what you believe.

♥ “If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”

♥ Do not pity the dead, Harry, pity the living. Above all pity those who live without love.

♥ 每一段记忆，都有一个密码。只要时间，地点，人物组合正确，无论尘封多久，那人那景都将在遗忘中重新拾起。你也许会说“不是都过去了吗？”其实过去的只是时间，你依然逃不出，想起了就微笑或悲伤的宿命，那种宿命本叫“无能为力”。

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