Thursday, July 29, 2010 9:53 PM
It's all in my mind.
Every decision you make
Every action you do
will affect others
and excite a reaction from them.
You won't realise it,
but
each and every thing you
say
or do
will hurt someone
or make someone's day.
We all
have
that
power.
Damn, STC tomorrow.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010 8:13 PM
It's all in my mind.
I was kinda surprised when I received 3 messages when I turned on my handphone this morning.
One from Pei Hua,
one from Ken,
one from En Qi.
At odd hours.
But thanks for the thought. =)
I reached school knowing that SHE-J had planned something for my birthday, but knowing nothing specific. Up til now, actually, I cannot identify who paid for which present in most of the gifts in pic 3.
Still, I'm grateful to SHE-J, Yi Chuan, Min Kuan who made that morning a wonderful one. =)
Next, to thank the people who wished me happy birthday: Lucy, Junianti, Vera, Siying, Rachel, Su Hui, Jia Min, and the entire 3E, who sang a happy birthday song for me and Joey. It was kinda weird- but Weilin managed to say "Joey and Jing Yee~" fine, surprisingly. ^^
I was wished happy birthday by my squadmates. Ken, Madeleine, Shou Fong, Amanda around the time of CHAMPS assembly...
I was wished happy birthday again by Amanda while climbing the stairs...
And when I was packing my bag, Amanda and Ruth suddenly appeared and wished me happy birthday. They wrote me a card! Just read it's full contents; thank you very much, both of you. You think too highly of me. I'm not that good. ^^
Ate the lunch that Hui Li prepared for me... There were chocolates!~ It was nice. Thanks, Huili. ^^
When the day ended, I got to NP room where I collected more "Happy Birthday"s from people like Junianti, Ken, Pei Hao, Yang Sheng, Seow Hwee...
Skipping details. Uh, we were asked to fall in in front of the general office in 30 seconds (-.-), and during that 30 seconds or more, I:
1) got my left wrist smacked against a wall for I dunno what reason. Gonna have a bruise.
2) my hairnet came loose, my figure-of-eight clip no longer wanted to cooperate with my hair.
Then Service Day started; I was grouped with Aloyiscious (sp error?) and Rachel. We were to do the same block, 262, with Zhang Ying's group- Pei Jia, Jovi Kuah and a year one junior. I realised that my mandarin was horrendous. I can't properly say "We're from River Valley High School NPCC. We're here to share some information on Crime Prevention with you. Do you have some time to spare?" properly, fluently! And Ms Khang said we were not only representing NPCC, we were representing RV. Yeah. I was showing off my rojak language. My group got on quite well with each other. Zhang Ying's group started from the bottom of the block, we did from the top.
We met at level 9/8. Received a call from Pei Hao saying that we were the last, everyone was waiting. Perfect. But he insisted that we finish our half a level more. I was quite testy with him; *sigh* Coordi, if you see this, please don't mind me. I didn't mean to snap at you. In fact, I also was very testy with Jovi Kuah. Wonder why. Hm...
We finally got back to school. At the foyer... A birthday song from my squad. (juniors included? excluded? I'm not sure, I wasn't focusing on them) AH~ Feel so undeserving. Keng Seng's birthday just passed recently and we didn't do that for him.......... And... I felt touched.
And on the way back to NP room after dismissal, more birthday wishes. From Amanda, from Madeline, from Shou Fong... basically, from almost everyone. AHH~ too much focus on me. Embarassed...
Outside NP room, another round of the happy birthday song. Too kind, too kind. I didn't do anything to deserve this much.
And basically, that's how the rest of the hour continued. "birthday girl" this, "happy birthday" the next second... And I saying "Thank you" for every "happy birthday"...
Thank you, squadmates; I am grateful to be able to call you all my squadmates. Thank you.
Thank you to SHE-J and the others- wonderful friends. Thanks so much. But next time please don't spend so much on me. I'll feel bad~
Thank you to my paternal side and maternal side relatives, especially my third aunt, for the chocolate birthday cake she baked...
I really don't deserve it. But thank you, everyone, for everything today. Thank you.
7:39 PM
It's all in my mind.
Only when you speak it out do you realise.
The naivety of what was thought.
The things you had been anxious about, being baseless.
The things you had been wishing for, which is what we do not deserve.
The things you had been hoping for, that it is so far away.
The things that you had been doing.
When you speak it out, write it out,
then you can analyse it.
I was talking to my sister.
She was asking me what were the differences between me and her.
Why she hadn't close friends in school but I did.
Why she wasn't loved as much as I was.
How were we different, such that I was better than her?
My response to her was that I had no personality.
My personality was like a soft clay,
fitting others.
Making people feel better.
Feel happy.
Then, I'll feel happy too.
But this personality...
It's nothing on it's own.
That is probably why I feel the utter lack of confidence in myself.
Because my self is inexistant.
My sister asked how I could be happy like that.
I told her that there were two kinds of happiness.
One is like my current state,
exhilarated upon seeing others joyful.
(unfortunately, the reverse is true.)
I can be really happy like that.
Really happy from knowing that the people whom I care about are happy.
But this kind of happiness...
Deep down,
you'll never be satisfied.
There is another kind of happiness,
that doesn't depend on other people.
It is pride and satisfaction in what you have achieved with your own two hands.
It is that your past and future are supporting you.
That you are proud to call yourself yourself.
Then, you will be truly happy.
That, I cannot achieve.
I guess that's why I have many facades.
Fitting different situations.
Who am I?
I don't know.
I used to have my personality.
But
I won't be able to return to it.
Memories.
Things we've gone through.
Change creeps up on us.
Then we'll never be able to turn back.
Let us strive for perfection let us do our best...
That is the first line of Shuqun Primary's, my primary school's, school song.
Yes, I think that may explain sometimes why I burst out in a temper.
It is not perfect.
I try to be perfect.
Behaving in the most ideal way I could be with my personality and my physical self.
I'm not being fake.
I just have a bunch of morals,
expectations,
etc
and behave that way.
The way that I feel is best.
I fail, at times.
Many times, perhaps.
I burst out in a temper for the fact that I fail.
At people whom I care for,
who are not at fault for my failure.
That makes me feel even worse.
Even worse than my original failure.
For my birthday wish, I would wish the same thing as last year.
Let me find my way.
For I cannot see where I am heading.
For I feel insecure when I can't prepare for the dark unknown.
Please let me find my way.
Monday, July 19, 2010 7:41 PM
It's all in my mind.
I took this moderate temper for granted.
I realise now that this is not the case.
The fiery creature is still within me,
It rears it's fierce head when I feel injustice.
It was hidden under a mask,
a layer,
behind a wall.
But it is a part of me,
I realise it now.
I didn't change to become moderately tempered.
I didn't change to become a soft spoken person.
I didn't change to become a nice person.
I am still me, essentially, still me.
I am not me, for I have changed too.
I am not me, but still me.
I hate having to bow down to authority.
Just because you are elder or of a higher position,
don't think you can command me.
If I can't even control myself, who are you to think you can control me?
Don't think you can make me do anything against my will.
I need to let loose the emotions.
I need an outlet too.
Why aren't the songs taking me away?
Why aren't the songs conducting the emotions away from my heart?
Why isn't it getting easier to bear?
And the power of words have left me,
I can't seek solace from them either.
I am only human.
Even though,
I am a lousy excuse of a human being.
Don't think you can make me do things against my will.
Who am I,
I don't know.
But I am still essentially me.
Don't get to the wrong side of me.
You'll regret it.
Let me fail my chemistry.
Give me an F9.
Right now,
I couldn't be bothered.
Sunday, July 18, 2010 7:43 PM
It's all in my mind.
Yesterday.
Ying Ying asked why I looked sad.
At that moment,
I was feeling sad.
But I forced a smile and said that that's my usual look.
A few moments later
Ying Ying asked why I always looked sad.
At that moment,
I wasn't feeling sad.
Just... pensive.
With what I guess was an expressionless face.
But I tried to smile
and said that that's my usual look.
Both... are sad?
Obviously, I have lost the control over my expressions.
The power of words have left me.
Friday, July 16, 2010 11:27 PM
It's all in my mind.
Yi Chuan told me that Nicholas asked her why I was such an emo person. Why I was so serious.
That I had been so happy during the CIP Blood Donation Drive at Jurong Spring CC.
Yi Chuan contradicted him, and said that I was a happy person.
I felt like grimacing when I heard this.
For one, that someone noticed the difference.
For two, that that observation, no matter what Yi Chuan says, is true.
Yi Chuan had told me that her first impression of me was serious.
Well, I don't doubt that.
But if I were to answer Nicholas...
That is because I have too many facades.
I can't keep up with them, anymore.
Also, there is something in this school.
Or in 3E.
That, when I settle in it,
places a cover over my being.
It limits my behaviour,
my expressions,
my emotions.
I can't keep up with my facades.
I'm not sure what face to meet each group of people already.
They get mixed up.
Don't mind me if I behave out of character,
since I have one set of behaviours and expressions for my
-squadmates (further defined for close and not-so-close)
-primary school friends (guys, girls, schoolmates)
-classmates [further split into 2I (one set for girls, one set for guys) and 3E]
-cousins
-family
...
That probably means that it is impossible to return to the cheery kinda Jing Yee, since that persona is not from any of the above.
This is a random post.
But I felt deeply towards Nicholas' words (as said by Yi Chuan) so... yeah.
Let me find my way.
Monday, July 5, 2010 6:40 PM
It's all in my mind.
I feel small again.
A young,
young child.
Eyes half shut,
not knowing the depths of the world.
I suffered a blow,
and in my self-centredness,
proclaim to have seen
more
felt
more
understood
more.
Than others?
That is not the case,
for if I think so,
I'd be blind.
Than myself?
That is for certain,
for what do I see?
In my self-centredness,
I think I am alone in this experience.
So silly,
so dumb of me.
I wish to laugh at my folly,
but instead,
a crying impulse grips my heart.
I want... to cry.
I've seen the tip of the iceberg of what I don't know.
I'm sure that as I walk on,
I'll find more.
And they will hurt me,
upon finding out.
That is, knowing that there is such a thing
that I missed.
That I didn't know.
I will take it.
I will take it as it comes.
But it won't stop me from the sorrow of knowing,
that nothing stays the same.
I'll be a fool to tell myself that.
Friday, July 2, 2010 7:53 PM
It's all in my mind.
人是会变的。
如果我不能肯定你是否还是以前的你，请不要怪我不采取主动。
我怕。
怕什么，我不知道。
但是，我怕。
因为我也改变了。
当我不能肯定你是否还是我记忆里的你，我没自信走到你前面，没自信。。。
当我知道你没变，而还是不跟你打招呼，请不要责备我。
你没变，可我变了。
在你的记忆里，对我的印象是美好的话，我不要它因我的出现而让你对“静仪”的印象变差。
若你还记得我，就请你记着我以前的好。
现在的我。。。我没把握，是个好人。
在你的记忆里，对我的印象是很烂的一个人的话，我也没必要改变你的印象。
现在的我。。。 好不到哪里去。
人是会变的。
人也会被分开的。
离别的时候，我希望我给你的印象是美好的。
我没有资格这样要求，可是，我还是会这样希望。
离别的时候，我会记得记住大家的好。
不美好的记忆。。。 我应该不会因此让它概括大家的好。
可是。。。人是会变的。
。。。我的想法。。。
合逻辑吗？
。。。我的希望。。。
太过分吗？
时间的流逝之后。。。
我还会这么想吗？
在此暂时停笔。
