The void sucks me in.

Thursday, September 24, 2009 8:19 PM

It's all in my mind.

Zk appeared several times in succession in my dreams. Never really the main focus of the dream, never not conversing with someone, away from me, not looking at me.

But that's better than seeing him in reality, I think.

I guess I can be considered unsettled when I recognise him- one can imagine the earthquake, tsunami and hurricanes when I don't know if it is him.

I really feel like Arisa Uotani.

When I went to tap my ez-link at the ticketing barrier, I was kind of held up there. When I got through, I saw that there was a guy, Commonwealth lower sec, who went speedily towards the bus stop. In that general direction.

The fact that it was a Commonwealth sec guy made me stop in my tracks. Although the hair colour seemed a shade wrong, the height seemed excessively great, I could not help but feel as though that might have been Zk. Yes, the chances of such coincidences are few, but-? Understandably, I did not attempt to catch up with him.

... but if it was him, I hope that he did not see me. I hope that he did not recognise me. I hope that he will, like Max, see me as transparent. I hope that memories of his primary school will exclude me, good and bad. Just forget.

While I gaze on and give my subconscious mind free rein.

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Friday, September 18, 2009 6:19 PM

It's all in my mind.

Thanks, Ken and EnQi, for tagging. The suggestions you give, Ken, is completely logical, but I realise enough of my heart to know that that is not possible for me in the near future. My heart is too imbalanced, and my brain does not run logically. How does an irrational force carry out a rational move?

EnQi, you are making sense, but only in your style. We are two different people, we use different methods to gain similar things. The distance we travel in our journey can be different, and we may gain things unexpectedly along the way, but there is no "one size fits all".

Thanks again, you two. Oh, and Joanne as well. ^^

The examinations are really taking an effect on me. Somehow, i feel that my heart is never calm. Although... My expressions have turned towards the emotionless kind. I have to revise, yet, i don't. I want to read, yet I should not. Turmoil. I hate this feeling.

... and i'm hiding again.

Exactly one week ago, there was an NPCC Games Day. I was in the Girls Street Soccer team, with Madeline, Chloe, Ying Ying and Madeleine.

I interacted with Ying Ying, for a change, and realised that actually bonding with squadmates like her is not exactly tough. It is just the matter of putting in effort. There are some portions where we are quite similar- we are biased against guys, though in different ways.

It seems like the approach towards unenthusiastic people during recre probably is wrong. Instead of grudging their lack of participation, perhaps we could try to put ourselves in their shoes. People just pass the ball to people they are sure of, not the less prominent ones. Of course, if they don't react to that on a prolonged basis, I suppose we could come into conclusions.

Keng Seng was in the Captain's ball team with the others. Yet, during the course of the break, he put a distance between him and others, even the guys. Shouldn't we reach out for these kind of people? The bonds in the squad are weakening, and if we don't reel the lines in, we probably won't reach them again.

... I remembered. During ATC. I saw Yang Sheng volunteering. Individually. At that moment, I felt as though he was truly a loner. I doubt he wants it this way. But there are times. When part of the squad met up to do the ROD presents. He put in effort. The vast majority of the group ignored it.

It is a pity. Yet, as the me I am and continue to be, I did nothing.

"Do you hear it? The sound of breaking."

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Sunday, September 6, 2009 9:51 PM

It's all in my mind.

A long week.

ATC.

To cut a long story short, I lived.

There are many things I want to express, yet, it is all in my mind, and currently, it's not going straight.

Teacher's Day Celebration.

I met Peiling and a couple of her schoolmates at KFC, where Siyao and I were spending the time waiting for Shuqun to open up to her ex-pupils. Yang Jing, Zhang Ying, Xiaotong, HeYu and LuoBeiYu came in too... a moment of chatting for the latter, before Siyao and I headed back to school.

It had started to drizzle soon after our arrival. Walking up to the hall via a staircase that seemed shorter than before.... I dragged Siyao to the back of the hall.

There were already people there, hence, time spent looking at the drenched basketball court was cut short. I used to go behind the hall as a pupil- I still felt compelled to return to the place. For reminiscing instead of pondering, but, ya.

We went up to our 6C4 classroom; it was occupied, and some other ex-Shuqunites were there too. It resembled little of our class- soon, we were off.

The canteen was partly occupied. As I went around, I saw Max pass. He had grown taller. I guess I deserved it, for I did grow my hair long without prior warning, but I approached Max as myself. Perhaps it was simply dumb for me to clap infront of him, calling his name. His eyes swept the surroundings, staying on me less than 0.1 seconds longer than for the rest of the scenary. He walked on.

It had an inexplicable impact on me. As much as I would much have loved to see Scott instead, the impact his younger brother's actions on me was very hard. Very very hard. Perhaps it was simply me. A blow, as hard as any physical punch could be from Max.

I moved away.

Hanzhang was coming in to school, and the two of us headed to the gate. The same thing happened when I spotted Rui En, except that this time, I did not clap, and he did not recognise Hanzhang and Siyao, along with me.

Meeting teachers this year is much disappointment. The emotions are different this year. And, also, the teachers are rushing. Last year, Mrs Lum was busy talking to seniors. This year, she was busy talking to juniors. Well, we did speak to our form teacher, Mdm Aisah, but it was more of individual conversations merged into a single setting. Hu Junjie did come, in the end, but too late to see her. Rui En didn't say anything.

I managed to see 贾老师. A short meeting- she had to rush off. I returned to the canteen, in time to see us being shepherded out of the school. That was about 3pm. We were allowed into the school at 1.30pm.

The emotion I brought back this time was definitely not joy.

Change

I saw ZK in one morning as I was at Lakeside, going towards Dover to get to school. It amuses me now that one fact has not changed: I took less than a fraction of a second to recognise the blue-clad boy as ZK. He has not changed. Taller, though. And another thing about me that did not change: I turned on my heels instantly, walking from where the escalator went up to where the lift was.

The yearning to look at him has not changed. Yet, this time, the emotions are masked.

The following days, I could not help myself but anticipate. Dumb, I know. I couldn't help it. I suddenly feel like Arisa Uotani from Fruits Basket, half expecting Kureno to come into the shop every time someone came in.

EnQi felt that I was behaving differently, though she linked it to before teacher's day celebration. From the above, I believe one would know why I disagreed.

Yet, I really felt the change. During NP on Friday.

It was miniscule, and such that I could not tell where I behaved differently, but it is there. It's there. Change.

The scary thing is that I know the existance of change, but not what the change is, and the underlying cause. How do I change back?

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

~ Profile ~

Tan Jing Yee
River Valley High School
RVNP HotShots! (sec1'08)
~~Shuqun Primary School~~
28 July

~ some quotes ~

♥ But I think... I want to live with all my memories. Even if they're bad memories. Even if they're memories that only hurt me... that I'd rather forget. If I keep them and keep trying, without running away, then someday I'll be strong enough that those memories can't defeat me. I believe that because I want to think that there's no such thing as a memory that's ok to forget.

♥ Pain, suffering. It's pointless to just think about those things. The traveler (referring to "The Most Foolish Traveler" by Natsuki Takaya) didn't. That may be stupid to some people but that's not stupid to me. Yuki... Kyo... when you close your eyes, what do you think?

♥ Just as no matter how hard you try to keep it away... despair will attack you again and again. In the same manner hope will return to you. Again and again.

♥ Someday... no matter how cold it is now... the snow will melt. Without fail.

♥ For there to be pain, there has to be kindness. For darkness to stand out, there has to be the sun.

♥ Maybe I'm not perfect. Maybe I have a long way to go. But someday... someday I'll be able to stand and walk on my own. Without hurting anyone... and without being a burden.

♥ We're all born with selfish desires so we can relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is created individually by each person... So it's easy to misunderstand when someone is trying to be kind to you... But, Tohru, people's differences are something to celebrate.

♥ "And if when everything ends, nothing is left in my hands...that's alright."

♥ Mingling with people, hurting them, getting hurt by them. That's how you learn about people and about yourself. If you don't, you'll never care about anyone but yourself.

♥ I want to be the only one... who can help the one I care about.

♥ "I wish I could have lived... In a kind world. Without anxiety. Without fear. Without hurting other people. Without being hurt myself. Only doing the right things. I wish I could have followed... The shortest path... To the kind world I wish for. I wish... I could have lived my life... Without making any wrong turns. But that is impossible. A path like that doesn't exist. We fail. We trip. We get lost. We make mistakes. And little by little, one step at a time... we push forward. It's all we can do. On our own two feet. Even if we get a little banged up. Someday, we'll reach something. We'll reach someone. We pray."

♥ "Crowds used to make me wonder. How many people would notice if I disappeared? I used to mull over that kind of thing constantly... once upon a time. But now... I'm a little different. It's not like that. It doesn't have to be... A lot of people. Even if it's just one person. That's enough. Having one person... is an incredible thing. Because then... It can't be zero. I was happy. I was happy then, too. I was so happy, it tickled. In the midst of all those people... She singled me out... and found me. And it's the same thing now. Having someone other than yourself... thinking of you. Looking... for you. You can't take that for granted. It's a miraculous and blessed thing."

♥ "... please don't cry anymore. I know that happy things... and fun things.. eventually come to an end. But things that are scary and sad... come to an end too. They always do. Even if you can't always believe that... please don't give up. Live. I want you to live. Even if you make a mistake, even if you take the long way, it's still okay... Just please... please live. Don't give up on pushing forward. Please. At least don't give up on that. Even if I'm not... by your side."

♥ Often times in memory, we have the tendency to overly romanticize the people we care about.

♥ Humans may be fragile creatures, but they're not weak to the extent to being crushed by their painful memories even after they meet with something unfortunate. We're far more resilient that that. Everything will be alright.

♥ "Don't worry, Kanade. What a person has actually gone through is unexpectedly different from what he remembers. Even though that gap may leave him feeling sad sometimes... Even the most vivdly clear memory... will change with time eventually."

♥ "Humans are amazing. Even though they may not see something physically... They'll still sense it. Everything else is the same. If you work hard, others will know that you work hard. If you don't work hard, others will know that you don't work hard."

♥ "Someday... You'll find someone who'll know all your good and bad points... And who'll still love you all the same."

♥ If... There was ever a Land of the Blindfolded, will the people of that land... Understand what it's like to have your blindfold come undone? Even if... Most people will never understand us... There might just be... Someone who can do that. It isn't easy to understand people's feelings... But that doesn't mean... That you're alone.

♥ It is not violence that best overcomes hate — nor vengeance that most certainly heals injury.

♥ The real courage is living and suffering for what you believe.

♥ “If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”

♥ Do not pity the dead, Harry, pity the living. Above all pity those who live without love.

♥ 每一段记忆，都有一个密码。只要时间，地点，人物组合正确，无论尘封多久，那人那景都将在遗忘中重新拾起。你也许会说“不是都过去了吗？”其实过去的只是时间，你依然逃不出，想起了就微笑或悲伤的宿命，那种宿命本叫“无能为力”。

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