The void sucks me in.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013 8:09 PM

It's all in my mind.

Proudly executing the march pass; bearing the flag with dignity. My, how the cadets have grown.

One part of me regrets not watching that progress. To watch them learn was an exasperating process... But in the end, we learnt that it was worth it. The bonds, the progress... Worth it.
I will continue to feel the gap between the Ninjas, part of the 100plus squad and myself, of that I'm almost certain. By ROD, I'd probably have my guesses proven true.

And yet isn't that my fault also? My fault, that I ceased to do more to stay updated with their progress. Now I can only look back and feel pride tinged with dissatisfaction at their progress.

They've grown. They'll have more to grow.
Yet what lies after that... I cannot wish on them. I cannot prevent it from occurring either.
Meanwhile I'm drifting miles from RVNP. Never mind that "once a cadet always a cadet", "once a Hotshots always a Hotshots".

The gulf is widening.
I don't know how to stop it.

Another thing that made me brood extensively today.

Prom.

On one hand, I have a table. I'm anchored, and part of the table are my squadmates.
But... There just is a difference. I just wished to be at a table with only squadmates. Apparently that's not going to happen.

Everywhere else. Suddenly every tie in existence needs to be taken into account. Suddenly it's clear that people who've never bothered about leaving a bridge behind are at a disadvantage. Suddenly... When people try to prevent some people from joining their table, it feels so sad.

How come no one has told me about the darker side of prom preparations?

And hasn't it commercialised our relationships? And by nature of us struggling to form tables of ten, does it reflect that our bonds as a cohort isn't strong enough, and everyone has divided loyalties? I don't have much of a right to talk though.

And yet I know I'm grateful to have people like Ken and (Chloe's =P) Zihao make the sincere effort to secure our registration.
And yet I know I'm grateful to know that I've a space amongst friends, amongst squadmates.
And I yet I know I'll hunt down all the friends I would have hunted down at graduation, to hound them for photographs... To preserve what was left of memories together.
And yet I know that everything is properly laid for precious remembrances. With just the proper mindset and emotional state, I would enjoy myself... Heartily.
I am social enough to do that. I value my bonds with the people who have played a role in my life from year 1 to 6 enough to want that gathering.

Labels: Hotshots♥ /RVNP

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012 10:14 PM

It's all in my mind.

I noticed that I still owe a post on unit chalet... Indeed, I'd put off thinking for some time.

7 to 9 November, unit chalet. From just about the beginning of time when we were asked, I'd decided to go.
Afterwards, things started coming up.
I realised with horror that our OP may just clash with unit chalet.
After that was cleared, (fortune smiled on me- my group was, albeit the last group, on the first day- 5th)
there was still 5N chalet to balance.
On one hand, the idea of bonding with my class (for once) appealed greatly to me.
On the other hand, my squadmates- and the Ninja squad.
And I'd said I was going to unit chalet.
I left 5N chalet in full swing, off alone into the darkness expected of 10.30pm.

I was greatly obliged to Amanda, Chloe and Freda who fetched me from the bus stop.
Though... the first things I heard were not altogether positive.
Yet somehow, I didn't feel as scandalised as I probably should have.
Of course I disapprove.

Come to think of it, it reminds me of the times when my squadmates took squad. The sec2 ICs... More particularly, the sec3 ICs. There were times when I watched their cadets drill, or helped take PT... At first, we saw eye to eye when poor standard came about. After some time, however, that changed.
We who watched tried to convince those who took their squad that they were being too soft, too nice, or that the cadets should be scolded on such and such behaviour.
They heard us.
But I suppose that softening was always inevitable.

... In a way, it seems to prove the point that people we care about get away with more things.
We give them a lot more leeway.

You could run from someone you feared, you could try to fight someone you hated. When you loved the one who was killing you, it left you no options. How could you run, how could you fight, when doing so would hurt that beloved one? If your life was all you had to give your beloved, how could you not give it?If it was someone you truly loved?

Suppose you ran a dagger through my heart, after the first wave of shock and betrayal... I would close my eyes- and with my last breath, forgive you.

But I digress.

After chatting quite a lot about OP with my squadmates (not to mention slipping right off the edge of the bed) I ventured into the wrong apartment while looking for the ninja squad. Though- I rather wondered why no one in MMS asked me what on earth I was doing there.

If I had to give one word to describe that scene I walked into, it'd be chaos.

And yet... It was some sort of lively, positive chaos, as they gathered in a heap before the TV, awaiting the start of the horror movie.
The happy energy generated, all the barriers broken down... Though they had Jovi in their midst.

Perhaps I should seek to clarify myself on my expression, but that would be a bit later.

People like to flock to happy people, I'm sure, so it was a bit tempting as Jovi sort-of invited me to watch the movie with them.
But I didn't belong there. ^^

In the morning after a shower and Chloe's I&R, we headed to White Sands where we positively stuffed ourselves with sushi in a bid to beat squadmates' record of four people downing 43 plates. (now, whoever's bright idea was that? -.-) The perfect illustration of the law of diminishing marginal utility. At the start I was looking forward to plates upon plates of sushi. By the end of it I had zero units of satisfaction, while Freda had negative. I have to applaud Amanda for having two or three units of satisfaction left. -___- Next time we're doing this, Xing Yao's stomach would make the guest list instead.

After some rounds of cards and being visited with a nice gift of an entire tub of ice cream from the ninja squad, I went to their apartment.

I entered and startled Samantha, who was just telling her squadmates that I was coming.
As I settled down on the ground, all of them sat down in a great circle with me.

Now-
I found myself envying Jovi to a degree.
He was one of them. He actually belonged in MMS, instead of hovering over them.
Instead of being doomed to watch over them, he was part of them. I'm sure there would be negligible barriers if any of his cadets wanted to approach him.
I can never imagine myself being hyper and mad with my cadets, laughing and poking fun at them. Therefore I feel fortunate that even though a significant span of time has passed, they still will listen to me-
I'm not sure if "respect" too strong a word to claim.

The barrier would doubtlessly be there. And I suppose that every moment that I am, unfortunately, formal to them, it would stay there.
But formal is the only way I know how to interact.

I know I wanted to talk to them again, the ninja squad, since a very long time ago.
Now they have met their last batch of NCOs.
Time has really, really passed.

What had I wanted to say?
Somehow, as the fourteen- fourteen?- of them gathered about me, I forgot.
The reference to that particular issue that time... I didn't mention in the end.
I just forgot to scold.

Wouldn't, or couldn't?

What did I say?
Until then did I know for sure that the skill of sustaining monologues- that skill that being an IC inevitably left everyone- definitely hadn't deserted me.

As I continued speaking, I realised gradually that my voice was getting thick.
There was a real possibility of tears running down my face, though the exact cause I couldn't pinpoint.

I think it was a mixture of reminiscing my time in RVNP, a pressing hope to let them feel the same need to stay... as well as the effect of finally being surrounded by their familiar faces once more.
The freedom to address them that I have not indulged in for too long a time.

I was fortunate enough not to be alone in my emotions.
Somehow, I saw the redness reflected in some of their eyes as well.

The topics were steered into some other neutral little things- ATC, Area 17, unit chalet...
Unfortunately I don't sustain small talk very well. I lack that engaging manner, and forgot any interesting anecdotes that I could share with them.
That ought to be Junianti's forte.

If I had to rate myself on that meeting with the ninja squad, by the time I left at least... I wouldn't have given myself very high marks.
But if they were serious in the explanation they gave on the question I raised regarding the squad tee-
I must say,
I am very much obliged to you.

Over one and a half years since I first took them.
They have changed.
They have grown.
I wish I could have been around to track the process,
The physical height difference,
The certain improvement in standard,
and for some, how their radiant faces learnt to harden into the serious or thoughtful states I found them in.

Still, fate didn't decreed it thus.
The past is past.
Instead I shall hope that the next time we gather we can still talk, and I wouldn't be a bother to you all.

Heaven forbid.

Labels: Hotshots♥ /RVNP

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Saturday, September 1, 2012 4:01 AM

It's all in my mind.

Was reminded that there was an incomplete draft regarding ROD that I never did try to fix. Here goes.

When some of my non-UG friends ask me what ROD is, I gave exactly what the acronym stood for. Retirement of Duty.
Now that I think about it, it was a poor answer on my part.
ROD. I gave its definition.
But the connotations. It's the connotations that make those three letters gain immense emotional significance, linked only by a thread to Retirement of Duties.
How does one relate to a non-UG member the bittersweet sensation as that function marks your last day in the unit that groomed you so, the last day indulging in the full uninterrupted right of being with the people who have now become so important a role in your life, the last day whereby you necessarily hand over the roles and what you hold so dear to the next batch as their rightful legacy?

ROD.

Not mine. Yet the idea of not attending never occurred to me. When Ken'd asked us to go on 24 August, it was second nature to say yes. It didn't occur to me to wonder why I should turn up.

During the length of the reception, I realised that those three letters probably had a different meaning for me compared to some of my other squadmates.
It seemed to be, firstly, to be with the rest of us squadmates and secondly, the entertainment.

Yes, the dances were always worth watching- the incoming and outgoing NCOs especially.

Yes, I was to be with my squadmates- that's the most important point.

One batch of totally new faces, two squads of RVNP whom it would stain my conscience to say I knew all their names to... And not particularly close to any of the CIs who were stepping down.

But we were watching a batch try to rise to the occasion. We were also watching one batch approach the end of their RVNP journey together. We were watching them coming together, more than they probably managed during the majority of their NCOship... To walk into the future together where NP wouldn't tie them together anymore.
Taking the first steps to the future that we ourselves are in the midst of.

It definitely meant more for Amanda, Pei Hao and Yang Sheng- it was their squad stepping down.
(Bubbletea squad is actually quite fortunate, having all three batches of ICs return for their ROD.)
It definitely meant more for the ICs of Maomao squad, since they were becoming NCOs. They were stepping up, taking over the unit, and this would be one of their first major entries in the "Things done" list.

For all ICs, I fancy it's another one of the things that completed their IC experience.
When they were cadets, groom them.
When they step up, wish them the best and tell them things to avoid doing wrongly.
When they step down, acknowledge their growth and welcome them into your midst as equals once more.

But for me? The Ninja squad was still playing the role of spectators.

Fast forward to after the darkness of the evening descended.
Interaction time left the location of the ROD reception the emptiest since 5.30 earlier that day.
Only then did I feel the emptiness seep into myself as well.

I'm sure you'd have felt it before.
Wanting to talk to your cadets, but knowing that it's no longer your place.
Especially not on ROD- it was the right of their current ICs, and you had to respect that.
Wanting to talk to your cadets, but unsure that speech would come off roundly. Things you want to say all jumbled in your mind- all while worrying that they aren't interested anymore, or that you'd falter and lose the thread of your thoughts as their expectant eyes turned on you.

It touched me that at the end of it all, after the heart-wrench they must all have felt after the last debrief by their sec 2 ICs, some of my cadets still came up to offer to talk- what I had expressed I hoped for earlier as I left their table for the start of the function.
The hope I expressed but anticipated was impossible.

I didn't take it up.
I could tell them affected by the finality of ROD. Yes, they were Sec 2s already and would definitely feel it-
that day both a loss and a progress in their NP life.
If I addressed them myself, I would only dilute the impact their ICs made on them that night.
"It's okay- go back and rest early. Leave today for your current ICs. I'll talk to you all some other time."

One of them asked if I'll come back for their ROD.
I said that if we survive this year, yeah I'll be. For sure.
To look upon their heartened expressions was a gift beyond my expectations.

It was too late to think this, but I understood now, why it was so tempting for ICs to return as officers.

I would have wanted to be in a realm, a situation, a position, to be able to address them at my own will.

I would have wanted to watch them grow as the process it was, instead of looking at random acts and ROD.

I would have wanted to be privy to the whole situation, all the going-ons; and be in a place where I could try and help.

I wouldn't have wanted to let go of my cadets during ROD.

I wouldn't have wanted my RVNP journey to end during ROD.

CIs, is this why you went through CIBTC?

It was a loss on my squad's part, something I only keenly felt when I watched ROD.

And the more I thought about it, the more it scared me.

What were we thinking, to have no one go? Now that the three CIs ROD-ed and approached As, both the incoming NCOs and new CIs would be with limited guidance.

Our squad was exceedingly fortunate, to have CIs to watch over us from s3'08 and Bangbangsquad.

Now the situation is reversed.

This NCO squad has less time to fumble around for their bearings than any of us.

'why didn't you come back as an officer since you miss NP so much?'

...

I was one of them, you know.

The people who were reluctant to enter RVNP. (it didn't make any of my six choices)

The people who grew to love RVNP after being forced to stay and experience it in its entirety.

This is going to sound ironic since I was squad IC, of the sec 1 squad no less.

As a cadet, I disliked PT. I didn't exactly like drill. I only dealt okay with CC and CD lessons.

The "I love NP" during bersurai wasn't a lie though. I stayed for the people. My squadmates. My ICs, my CIs. PT, drill, CC and CD were the inevitable part that I had to learn to deal with.

After stepping up, it was still because of the people I had around me in NP which motivated me, completed me, made me whole. My squadmates, my fellow ICs, my Sec 1 squad.

Do you see now?

My squadmates were the constant definition of what NP was to me, and we had vacated the home we created in RVNP with ROD.

My cadets would stay, but they were under their new ICs. And as Sir Raymeo said before under different circumstances- the role of CIs was to be officers of the unit, not squad IC.

The meaning of NP for me lay in the people. The concept of returning to RVNP without my squadmates and when the bond had to change... Felt like asking me to return to an empty structure.

The next point: my hard and soft skills. Rather, the lack thereof.

It only jumped out at me during the Staff promo debrief held by our CIs that I had gotten away thus far with my inadequacies through pure fortune.

The pre-requisites to being a good officer I saw clearly for the first time. Decisiveness. Knowledge. The keen eye of judgement for details, aspects that NCOs missed out on, and how to correct that. Confidence in the fact that what you're imparting is correct. Being always correct (or exuding that aura) doesn't hurt either.

As a squad IC we had the benefit of company as we taught and decided for the cadets. Complemented by Junianti, Kristine and Xing Yao, it didn't blatantly stand out. As a CI, it couldn't be missed.

Staff Ongmin said that being good cadets don't necessarily become good NCOs. That we could be poor cadets but good NCOs. We could say the same thing about ICs right? Even if you were a good IC, it didn't necessarily make you CI material.

Yes, I missed NP, and will continue to. The sense of homecoming when I return to the familiar environment of RVNP won't fade in the foreseeable future.

But there was no appeal in returning alone. People with whom I went through the RVNP experience was what made NP something so dear, not its static components

And for the Ninja squad... I just wanted to stay as their IC. That role in their memories... had to suffice.

Labels: Hotshots♥ /RVNP

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Saturday, August 11, 2012 5:14 PM

It's all in my mind.

Just posted on squad blog, but that post is inadequate to fully express all the emotions that had gone through me on 9 August 2012.

All in all, I was glad that I didn't change my mind the last moment.

Andrew Matthews was the one who said that it was participating that was most enjoyable wasn't he?

I just about... felt it. ^^

I hope you'll never have to feel as wretched as I did that morning.

I hope you'll never feel that incredible extent of self-loathe as I looked into the mirror, seeing every possible defect, everything telling me I'm several universes away from perfection.

I hope you'll never feel that desperation as I pawed through my clothes. The exasperation as I threw my hair one way and another, hating how it did not stay, hating how it looked dreadful. It may sound funny to you- but the tears that wrung from my eyes, my being with the wretchedness was almost beyond my threshold of tolerance.

Hovering in the background was my sister's words the day before, saying that the actual day should be spent with family. And I realised that she was right. My Christmases, my New Year's Eve, my birthdays and now my National Day holiday... my friends had more claim to than my family.

And what made it worse was the realisation that since some time before, that was precisely my intent. To spend any possible day away from that house.

That guilt, when I realise that I should at least prioritize my sister first.

Torture can exist within the confines of your head you know.

I didn't want to exist, much less go out.

Do you never laugh?

That was one of the questions Hui Li's kiddo cousin, Grace, asked me as we had lunch.

Why do you keep sighing?

Why you don't want ice-cream? Paiseh to let jiejie Geri buy for you ah?

It was a change for me, in a sense. To have spot on observations thrown at you in a very neutral and matter-of-fact style, where there's no worry that your answers are judged.

And because we were bringing her cousin out, there wasn't really a need for me to commit more than two short sentences in reply to Hui Li's numerous mouthing/whispering of are you okay? The conversation topics didn't get serious. The kiddo was entertaining and ready to be entertained. Leagues from stuck up. Suited me perfectly.
It was as if I was briefly released from the noose that was slowly but surely suffocating me.

Zoomed home with three doughnuts for my sister, and just as quickly a cement block slammed me in the face, making me reluctant to meet even my squadmates.

But I left.

I left.

Miserably late for the proposed meeting time, and found Freda waiting for the rest of us stragglers at City Hall mrt station. Ken appeared shortly, followed by Seow Hwee and finally, Shou.

The dreaded feeling, you know. When much of me is in a whirling mass of dark matter, to even contemplate pulling myself out seems impossible... Quite pathetic that though I was seeing my squadmates, in this state my smiles and words were frozen within the ice of near formality.

Though for Shou... The smile I went up to her with I think was, up to then, the most heartfelt. Perhaps her style, or the closeness- but it was impossible to be formal around Shou.

As we walked through City Link to Thai Express where we'd meet Chloe and Michele, I could feel my face in that dreaded cast again. Conversation doesn't flow properly through me either- I was silent.

Ken asked me why I looked so sian.Was told by Shou to be happy and not bored...

Do you understand my sense of worthlessness?

When my presence should be an addition to the comfort of my squadmates, not their uneasiness?
When I'm screwing their mood, the atmosphere?
Do you understand?

That day was the first time I went to Gardens by the Bay. Freda's too...
I looked around quite disconnectedly at the place. The evening was yet bright, and we didn't pass much in our straight line routes to find a spot.
Though if I had to say frankly, my mind was wandering. Any beauty of the Gardens visible in sunlight was, regardless, invisible to my eyes.

I watched the fireworks rather quietly, limiting my expressions of awe to exhalations. Funny enough, there were critics nearby who were just a tad worse- going on about how much money the government must have wasted on that display.
For me, I noted with amusement that light really traveled faster than sound.
And... I felt small. Watching that big, changing, magnificent display of light and colour, I felt indefinitely more insignificant. No one was denied its light display fully, nor were they exempted from its deafening sounds.
How much time must have been put into creating what was to be visible to the whole nation?
How each spark had a contribution to the overall picture, how they all seemed to have a place.
15 minutes of fame- did it apply to them as well? They were shot into the air, separated from their fellows into their planned positions, then burned out.
If I were a spark, would that kind of life have been sufficient?
For those few seconds in the air, shining with all your might, being praised and admired, then having your life extinguished in the middle of all that...

If I had to identify a general turning point that night, it would be about here. The fireworks I felt I watched in a rather detached manner, though I cannot track the effects it had on the rest of me.
I just know that I could breathe again.

So much laughter with Xing Yao around to joke with Freda. I actually laughed out loud many times, and frequently so pushed to the limits of positive exasperation that I couldn't help shoving his bag or shriek at him.

Somehow, I think it's because of his nonsensical approach. Not logical. Amusing, annoying, but lighthearted.
Unfortunately I don't think there was anyone who could control him (none in our party anyway *cough cough*), so the nonsense continued for as long as it entertained either him or us.

My pictures don't do it justice, but it was as if I stepped into a scene from some fairytale. Ignoring the lights by the side, the place had almost a magical feel about it. Of course I felt far from a princess-
I felt insignificant.
Entranced, I think I succumbed to the temptation of capturing the scene in a photograph. Though I realised a bit late that it was better to see the place yourself, through your own eyes.
This was the first time I remember being so intensely grateful for the gift of sight.
Meanwhile, Xing Yao continued trying on his DSLR.

We spammed group shots there I think. Spammed, because Xing Yao wanted the perfect settings on his DSLR, and because the picturesque scene was just crying to be utilised.

Such a serene spot, that if we could just raise our eyes to the heavens and lie under the (albeit artificial) canopy, the entire night could pass without us growing bored.
Imagine how hard it was for Ken to get us all up, and shepherd us to the bridge that would link us to MBS.

The place was pretty in its own way of course, but a different feel altogether.
The cool night breeze that enveloped you. The artificial light balancing with the darkness of night, not obnoxious in any way. Raised above the expressway, reminded that we still belong to civilisation, though we are not far from the embrace of nature.
Amazing.

Did I voice that to Freda? I clearly remember her response.
With her beside me, I was on the verge of sending every thought I had on that topic tumbling from my mouth.
But that's one of the mountains. That I cannot escape from, that weight pressing down on me, one so huge I'm lost as to where to start. I managed to voice one line.

Her response was definitely to make me feel better. With it grounded in truth, it should have- but that wasn't enough to alleviate what has become an abyss of darkness within me. I should probably have communicated part of it- I may have felt better opening up to Freda. Yet each part is rooted in the whole. And the whole I cannot part with. In part stemming from selfishness, in part stemming from insecurity, in part stemming from that omnipresent fear of breaking down- no, I didn't part with it.
I left it at that.

Xing Yao had, with a straight face, offered to let me take a photo on his DSLR. Even offered to let me post it as my first photo. Despite him having said earlier that he took two full hours to learn how to use his DSLR.
Wonder where that came from. That was nice.
But I declined... Partly because it was, after all, his camera, and his photographs, his work. The other part I vocalised was that seeing it with my eyes were enough. Xing Yao scoffed and responded that, no, it was absolutely not enough.

Which he had a point in. Photographs generally may not capture the essence of the entire scene, with all emotions, thoughts and connotations attached to it, but I fancy a DSLR quite faithfully preserves the scene. And the preserved photograph remains... probably longer or as long as our memories themselves.

The view at Gardens by the Bay was really wonderful. I declined the DSLR because I supposed seeing it with my own eyes did the present more justice.

As I watched it, and as I watched the fireworks, I had been reminded of how the rest of us may seem infinitesmal in comparison. So pretty. So changing.

Didn't want to leave, but leave we had to. Circumstances.
But I know I felt happy to have been there. With squadmates, no less...
In their presence, oxygen returned to my lungs substantially.

I am alive yet.

Labels: Deep Emotions, Hotshots♥ /RVNP

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Monday, July 2, 2012 12:56 AM

It's all in my mind.

The previous two posts were my feelings on the first night of ITC- rather, after we chatted into the night, around 3am. For the second day I had my other reflections... The tenor of my thoughts changed, and my mood as well... But these days any feeling of happiness is short lived.

"Don't think too much"- you know me well. Though it probably comes to no surprise therefore that I can't take up your advice. Certainly, I don't expect you to guess exactly what's going through my mind, but you read me well.

Priorities.

The turnout for candlelight night from Hotshots was a grand total of six. I probably allowed myself to be disappointed that we all have varying priorities... Despite the fact that it is only to be expected.

I should have looked at it in another light- satisfaction, perhaps, that there were five other squadmates. I just didn't.

Superlatives.

The previous day Vivian told me that their total strength was now 20. When we stepped down, we left a squad of 26. Vivian said that there were two who had decided to transfer out come year 3. I'm expecting more... More, not necessarily because they dislike NP or see no purpose in it, but that there will be other CCAs out there to tempt them. Novelty or portfolio.

Know that feeling when you really really want to talk to someone, but don't know what to speak of, or how?

I wish I could have had some way to talk to my cadets about it, but the candlelight night setting wasn't one that facilitated addressing a squad. The atmosphere as well... External factors and internal ones. The brief conversation... wasn't adequate.
At some point of time the music and performances ceased to register much in my mind. Lights flashed rhythmically, thoughtlessly... The volume of music sent vibrations through the hall, not registering, right through me. The feeling of looking but not seeing, the feeling of being alone in a hall full of people.

It was pleasant having Sir Qin Hui in our midst, though without Ken or Seow Hwee I fancy conversation would have flowed less and awkwardness enhanced.
Towards the back, I'm reminded just how our memory is fallible.

It manages to scare me that he cannot match many of our names to our faces. Comical, yes- but the feeling left behind-
Perhaps he'd have scored better given a photo, but still. Disappointment comes easy, when you look at it from the perspective of a cadet.
But then two years down the road, will I forget their names too? When I have trouble recalling events, acts, situations of the past myself, I don't have the right to talk, do I?
I don't want to forget, but memories don't consciously fade.

Even if I don't forget, will I be able to connect with them, still?
It may seem effortless for some people, but I am not part of that group.

To have the heart and not the means must be the saddest thing to happen.

Labels: Hotshots♥ /RVNP

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Sunday, July 1, 2012 9:53 PM

It's all in my mind.

Even the relief from the end of common tests couldn't beat this feeling. It seems almost impossible, like a forgotten yet most exquisite dream... The feeling of all the weights crushing on my soul lifted, every gloomy thought distracted away. Of belonging, truly belonging to where I am.
I'm home. My soul has come home.
The lid on my style, thoughts and behaviour less existent than it usually is. I truly enjoy being there... I truly enjoy being with the people there. My squadmates. Ex-ncos, if we happen to talk. Current ncos, even if it happens to be those few more disposed to be friendly. Watching the cadets... The familiar faces.
Like a puzzle piece that has been returned to the picture, fitting snugly into the space it was meant to be, and always meant to be in.
How rare is the feeling of worthiness, of being actually woven into the fabric of people's lives with a permanent, glowing thread.
I told Seow Hwee that any more open, it'd be with my sister le. I mean it... While I feel Peh Peh an extension of my own being, largely the speaker-piece of the pair of us... My squadmates are linked with strings to my heart. Our styles so largely different, our opinions quite varied... Yet, how dear squadmates are.
Really, like the package deal I was speaking of- I don't feel them as individuals, but my squadmates. More than classmates- my squadmates.
What created this bond, really? It is so precious and impossible to replicate. And so dear... So dear.
Perhaps on my own I wouldn't be able to create this atmosphere with a single squadmate. My awkwardness in conversation makes me highly inadequate to begin one. But perhaps this is exactly the difference between normal friends and squadmates- because with friends you are interacting one on one, while with squadmates you are all part of a single entity. Something beautiful links us together, each of us making up for, compromising with or complementing the other's styles.
Topics that I wouldn't think of bringing up, but realise that I'm happy being a part of, and understanding too. Topics that I would not be able to sustain or give voice to, sustained by squadmates- to listen is pleasurable. Things that I'd largely forgotten... Reminded by squadmates.
How could people ever view the process that created such an amazing bond as one to be dreaded? How could people on the outside understand the awesome feeling of being a part of Hotshots? How could those who never attempted to try or didn't get the opportunity to try understand all this? The tears and fatigue, the resentment and the complains... The things sacrificed to create this, the measures taken to achieve this... Must be justified. The price wasn't too high.

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Labels: Deep Emotions, Hotshots♥ /RVNP

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

9:52 PM

It's all in my mind.

Precisely that style, that gallantry that I miss in my squadmate, in my squadmates. That feeling, that feeling of belonging...
It's as if I've come home.
I'm home.
... Lying on the field, the seven of us. Roaming the classrooms, listening to songs, singing to Tonight... Chatting in the half lit hall, talking our hearts out! Barely anything beats it.
I'm home. Though I'm probably the one who opens up the least, constraintst herself the most... That serious yet lighthearted, that heartfelt conversation, reminisces... I'm home. I'm home.
Never for so long have I felt that my heart has returned to where it has always belonged.

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Labels: Deep Emotions, Hotshots♥ /RVNP

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012 11:05 PM

It's all in my mind.

Okay, ignoring the front bit with the hectic Friendship Day sales... ^^ I'm grateful for today.

Really, really, really. =)

Part of me was worrying about today's party at NP room, the one thrown for UOPA Gold.

Somehow, there was just this impression that there were quite few squadmates going. Also, the fact that it would be held in NP room meant to me that those in attendance would, most probably, be the current batch of NCOs and... the higher ups.

Not sure what there'd be to look forward to. ^^

But in the end, half of Hotshots turned up. ^^

In the reading room, chatting away like nobody's business, less than half our attention given to homework... That awesome atmosphere, it feels as if I hadn't been in contact with for a long time. ^^ Squadmates ftw, seriously~♥

The awkwardness... set in rather when we were in the canteen.

In a way, everyone there had to be there.

The two squads of cadets, the NCO squad, the CIs, the TOs. They had a place in the entire process.

... Where does Hotshots fit in this setting, this during-act-mood?

We only belong with ourselves, don't we? ^^

In a sense, we were conducted eventually to go to the centre of the place, yet there we generally kept to ourselves still.

There was one bit that made me feel... a bit down.

The current sec threes, with all spontaneity, went to fall in by the side and started doing hentak while cheering... Some cheer that I didn't exactly catch, but which was dedicated obviously to their NCOs.

I'm not their IC, but I felt lonely listening to them cheer.

It's a queer feeling, knowing that the cheer wasn't for their previous batch of ICs, but the current one. A queer, lonely feeling, when we have to watch that. When I watched them.

The thought was undoubtedly commendable...

But it's almost as if... we'd been taken for invisible.

Not that I've a right to complain. Hey, not my squad. ^^ And we have stepped down.

But that queer feeling...

*shrug*

... To my Superlatives, I'm more than grateful.

That they bothered to, I'm grateful.♥

For the thought, I'm grateful.

For their smiles, I'm grateful.

Still there's this little part of me, whilst feeling grateful, can feel bad to their current ICs.

Whilst we're still around, I think we'll just be dividing their... attention span, their hearts.

And... it's their squad already.

The bilibanja and "Thank you/I love you"s... ^^ It'd have been complete if Kristine were here too. But really...

I'm fortunate.

There feels like a lot more that I felt regarding this bit of today, but perhaps due to the time my brain isn't supplying the sentiments or words- I'll leave it here for now.

♥ ... Yes, I really have a lot to be grateful for... For getting more than I deserve. ^^ Thank... you.More than I can say. =)

Labels: Hotshots♥ /RVNP

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011 7:39 PM

It's all in my mind.

"Human beings never enjoy complete happiness in this world. I was not born for a different destiny to the rest of my species: to imagine such a lot befalling me is a fairy-tale - a day-dream."

Although the context is completely different from what Jane (Eyre) experienced, I couldn't help but think of this quote.

Now I wonder whether it has always been me, just because I don't dare to reach out for them.

Then again, I fancy I habitually choose the back seat- looking on the others rather than participating.

I got more than I deserved; what happened was that I reaped the results of others' hard work.

Labels: Hotshots♥ /RVNP

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Monday, October 31, 2011 10:08 PM

It's all in my mind.

Today it was less of peeking from a hidden corner.

I actually exchanged a few words with one of their new ICs, passing by in plain sight.

(Huili said jokingly that I was evil, pressuring the NCOs.)

We went upstairs to stare from the assembly platform.

Some of them glanced up- both of the ICs and Superlatives. I swear one of the ICs laughed at my reaction when Superlatives executed a most (O.O!!!!) dalam-buka.

Retreating later to the library, I stared over Huili's shoulder to stare at the barely recognizable cluster of blue at the grandstand- again later, when Superlatives were marched over.

She called it an obsession with my juniors. *shrug* Apparently taking squad affected us differently. Or, perhaps, it truly is how outsiders view it.

Passing them by again when we went to the canteen, a great temptation to sit down and listen to the sirs address Superlatives.

But that was the role of the new NCO batch. One extra might not be appreciated.

Hovering in the background in the safety of Superlatives' turned backs, counting on the fact that theoretically, only the sirs could see me.

Quite truthfully? I still felt a tinge of envy.

Stayed long enough to watch them execute a decent keluar-baris before walking away solo, without a backwards glance.

I noticed two things today.

I noticed how my line of action changes in company. Just compare the previous post and this one.

My strength comes from others' presence.

With others around, I cannot not be strong.

I hope that my inference here might be biased, but I highly doubt so.

And, yes, well, vanity stops me here from elaborating on my (rather severe?) imperfection. But behind that nicely crafted (here I flatter myself that it is so) line in italics, so much more can be inferred... Which when inferred, I think it's not far from the truth in which I perceive myself.

Do I make sense? I hope I do. Meanwhile please bear with the lack of eloquence.

I realised in comparison how stifling it is not to talk about them sometimes.

When you feel alone in your sentiments, or feel like you need to reign in your words because of the audience.

Labels: Hotshots♥ /RVNP

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Friday, October 28, 2011 5:19 PM

It's all in my mind.

“下去看他们啦！”

I replied Yang Sheng with a quick shake of my head and a smile.

After I turned around, tears started welling up in my eyes.

I can't exactly pinpoint why, but perhaps what I was actually doing really sank in.

Maybe the emptiness in me finally made itself known.

How did the previous batches of ICs do it?

Those who wanted to stare at their cadets, but didn't want to pressure the current ICs by appearing? Those who wanted to hear the cadets, but didn't want to distract them by being visible?

Yet the saddest thing is that, to see, you tend to be visible to them as well.

Which is the reason why I envy the sec 3 squad ICs of any batch.

They'd rise to be NCOs, so you can choose to talk to them anytime. You might need to worry that they have no time for you, but never that you'd be chased away. Or that your cadets' ICs would steer them away from you on purpose.

No, nothing like that happened to me, but I start to empathise with all the batches of ICs who experienced that.

Zhang Ying saw me, and asked if I loved the sec1s so much.

I don't know. Does missing them equate to loving them?

Staring at them from a distance, far enough to be hardly able to make out their faces imply that I love them?

Does wanting to see them mean I love them?

Does envying the people taking them mean I love them?

I don't know.

I promised myself to leave once the rain stopped; I left once the sun came up.

Labels: Hotshots♥ /RVNP

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Friday, September 23, 2011 8:56 PM

It's all in my mind.

So elated.

Amidst the stress or uncertainty regarding the end of years, it finally came.

Elation.

Superbly elated, so much that I somehow had to go online immediately.

Any link there? No? Never mind. *pure elation*

... I think it's time to get out of my elation and post the few things I wanted to for the past few days. ^_^

Labels: Hotshots♥ /RVNP

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Friday, August 26, 2011 8:23 PM

It's all in my mind.

... And all that optimism from the post during ROD is gone.

Back to worrying, worrying how we will survive the test of time and distance.

Ironic, that I should come to think of this during squad lunch...

The atmosphere.

The feeling that some are tired of this, but are just too polite to express their disappointment.

Is it because the novelty of seeing each other is fading?

Honestly, I don't know.

What can I do? Stick around, I guess. Stick around, and watch, hope...

Hope that I am paranoid.

which may be the case. Definitely may be the case.

Your comment was wholly valid. After all, my posts usually are about NP. Now that the badge is destined never to be on my collar again, I am at a loss as to what to write.

About life?

... No, more... emotions I think. Thoughts that cross.

And since NP is the main contributor to that, I really, really don't know.

In due time, there might just be nothing to read here.

Perhaps. Just... perhaps.

I wonder what the spectator would see if they watched our discussion in the air conditioned class.

One overall in charge. He who keeps up the smile on his face.

One close by, whose eyes meet only the person above and below when he speaks.

One whose face barely has a flicker of a smile. To me, I'd say stressed.

And me. Whose way of speaking may be quite antagonistic to the vast majority.

Plus the other five, two silent throughout, three who do speak-

though mainly when they are bid to.

Besides that observation?

Three different ICs. Two who took the same squad, but of different batches.

I wonder how that would feel...

(My apologies, my train of thought is messed up. If you don't see where I'm going with this... well, neither can I. ._.)

It feels so lonely, sometimes.

What can you do, say, when you would like to see your cadets after ROD?

Drag your squadmates along to watch over them from upstairs?

But squadmates, dear as they are, they may not see any logic behind attachments to the cadets.

I think so, because I ever once felt this way before.

And would it be fair to show that your heart is no longer wholly on them, but shared with some whom you'd known only several months?

It wouldn't be fair to the new ICs either, would it? The longer your presence exists in their conscious mind, the slower they will love their new ICs.

*shrug*

The fate of only watching from afar, and limited to the satisfaction of seeing them acknowledge you...

Labels: Hotshots♥ /RVNP

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011 10:48 PM

It's all in my mind.

Wanted to post this alongside the previous post, but my mother had stolen the internet connection. -__-

Disclaimer: This is going to be an optimistic post. I dunno whether this means my heart is in the wrong place, but yeah.

This ROD I had thought would make me cry.

How the debriefs with the sec1s and their attitudes, what seems like eons ago, nearly had me the right mood- this mood, if brought into the function from weeks ago would more likely than not have made me cry.

With the sec3s video, it definitely would have been the required spark amidst a pool of kerosene.

Somehow, it didn't. Perhaps because there wasn't a speech, much less mention the words "moving to the point of tears".

Credits though, to the sec3s. The video very nearly achieved the right effect. I don't know why the sec3s thought of including our CI-IC pics, but they did, and the impact hit. (I can't speak for any but myself but it did for me at least.)

Veryyy nearly got the right effect.

Regarding the parting and drifting of squadmates, perhaps I've worried about it on numerous other occasions such that the impact is not large.

The other thing is that... We're all able to be with each other. Still.

Harder to, then, but still. If people made the effort, we'd be together again.

I believe that we'll be together again.

From our ICs too... For me, I only absorbed the encouraging, reminiscent tone. The mood of doomsday wasn't there. It was of treasuring memories, how we were before, how much we'd grown. Lacking in how we were going to lose it all.

Maybe because we weren't going to lose it all.

Or perhaps I just selectively chose not to make the link.

Perhaps I am such a fail lit student that I can't hear between the lines.

When my squadmates were tearing, when they were overflowing with emotions, my mood was nowhere near.

To me, those were good memories.

The knowledge that they care and will still be there for us... Was heartening but lacked one or two elements which would have thrown me into a stream of tears.

Okay, maybe I am just heartless. Or too high. *shrugs helplessly*

But I know one thing: This ROD, I am proud of Hotshots and pleased with Superlatives.

The POP first. I was sort of dreading it, because we hadn't had drill since... forever. During cadetship, I am quite certain our drill managed to make our various ICs ._____. or 0____0. And the last time we did, the time after muster parade, it wasn't impressive either.

Yet this POP... once the rehearsal started... *inhales deeply*

Okay, our marching might not have been perfectly coordinated. If you were to scrutinise details, there was definitely room for improvement. As in, no one is perfect. And I'm not going to claim that we are perfect.

But both rehearsals plus the actual were great! (uh but I think the first rehearsal was better than the actual somehow -.-)

To me, at least.

Each solid bang was a surge of enthusiasm.

When it was over, I was certain that we at least put in a decent NCO squad drill, and that the entire Hotshots had put in effort.

That feeling was amazing.

The dance.

The fact that the sec3s played the song from the MV rather than the 各中强手we had (and we realised the difference too late) was a bit -____- , but we lived.

After the POP, I don't doubt that everyone did the best of their ability to make it look nice.

(No mirror to see how we looked, but *spammage of faith*)

RVNP cheer. Just listening to Pei Hao's voice crack during the bersurai gives an idea, no?

Hotshots was worth the faith, from the start to the end, I think.

The journey may not have been smooth for those who believed in us or wanted to believe in us, but we made it. We made it as Hotshots, RVNP 2008 - 2011.

And our hearts will continue beating. ^^

Labels: Hotshots♥ /RVNP

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011 9:42 PM

It's all in my mind.

Disclaimer: this is going to be a pessimistic post regarding ROD. Mainly about being squad IC.

“生命的本身就是挣扎和矛盾，上帝造人，比别的动物多造了一分灵性、智慧、和感情。而这三件东西，就是使人类永远在挣扎和矛盾中翻滚和浮沉无法解脱，无法快乐的主要因素。”

Watching them, I realise that you cannot always count on your cadets.

Even though the bond is there, time fades away the immediateness of the emotions. Emotions that rose to the surface like a humongus air bubble are now travelling through a denser liquid- hard coaxed to come up.

And when it does, once you lose touch of it, let it mind it's own business it's back to square one.

Furthermore, you can't count on your cadets because either their future or past ICs will potentially dilute their emotions for you. Even if your bond with them survives all that-

the time passed.

The words that are said, the emotions that were felt... It comes harder now.

And you can't necessarily count on your squadmates.

So what if their hearts were there before?

There is more to that, more to influencing actions than the whims of the heart:

Responsibility, commitments.

Priorities, restraints.

Close as they were once to you, these are factors that can make it hard. Circumstances are issues that we have no say in, but they can force us into a line of action.

Worse, the last person you want to count on is yourself. You can count on yourself least, because there are times when it is you yourself who holds back. Selfishly, or humanly.

You let the emotions rule over you when you know they won't be reciprocated. And when they don't, you bring pain unto yourself for having had hoped, for having had put in effort...

When you screw up your chance at a heart to heart talk, or think too much of their love towards you, you'll feel the pain.

Because love isn't always mutual,

and love cannot be helped.

And yet, despite all this, we are all human enough to let the hope get better of us.

Despite all this, we indulge our hearts rather than listen to the emo voice at the back of our minds.

We will continue trying, continue caring, continue watching from afar, continue smiling for their happiness.

From somewhere hidden, somewhere from the dark, keeping our disappointment from our face to let them continue smiling. To smile when you would rather cry, to keep your pain reigned in in favour of their joy.

I think that is what almost every batch of ICs will have to face at some point of time. I think I am beginning to understand now.

But for all those good memories and the affection for those cadets, they will continue trying to the end of time.

And now, I worry. I worry, because the time will come when I will be in such a situation.

The dice is rolled... It's my turn now.

There is more that I wanted to write in this note, still saved into a draft in my messaging folder (please don't steal my phone just to see that), having had no access to the computer (or choosing not to snatch Chloe's while staying over last night) but upon consideration, I think I should think twice before I put that up. ._.

Labels: Hotshots♥ /RVNP

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Friday, July 22, 2011 11:45 PM

It's all in my mind.

Yes, we are very very comfortable being together. That is definitely true. Just judging by how much free entertainment we gave the new assistant QM (I can't spell his name. Yu Kong?) in NP room unintentionally, I know that we are too comfortable with each other. Each of us with our own style, passing time together in a collectively enjoyable way. Just by being yourself.

I think it is amazing.

There is however another side to this.

This bond that is so important to us... can be trying in some situations. I look at the situation in 4K, and realise that it is not the first time that when some of us want to work, and want to get things done, others don't want to move.

I am not trying to fault anyone here, because I guess it is our difference in personality.

However, if I may blame being an IC, I was tempted at some point of time to just shout at everyone to hurry up and get our act together.

Yet I would have no right to. None at all.

Because as I believe, all squadmates are equal.

Who would I be to demand my way?

It's a restraint, I think, and in this case, I don't feel very good about it.

Because our bonds is what lies in the line, and it is exactly what we don't dare to give up.

So... We sacrifice efficiency for that?

We... shelve away our own opinions for that?

I don't know.

Guess we have to strike a balance.

Meanwhile, to move one brick at a time from before us, chipping in bit by bit to make sure that we don't just throw in the towel.

Even if it is not as efficient yourself,

even if it is tempting to make others do it too...

We have the bond to consider.

... I have to believe that it will all turn out well.

And when it does,

and the bond is still intact,

the decision proved right,

it will be all worth it.

Labels: Hotshots♥ /RVNP

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011 8:53 PM

It's all in my mind.

I wonder if it's possible to let them realise that when we scold and are fierce to them,

it doesn't mean that we don't truly care for them.

Whether it's possible to understand that pushing them hard and fiercely

doesn't mean that we don't care. That despite the exterior, we do. We really do.

I wonder if it's possible to get their mood to match ours, deep in our hearts.

When we hold back words, will they do the same?

When we retain a strong front, will they still open their hearts?

When we care, do they care? I wonder. For last act and this were two contrasts.

Which will occur during ROD? And what will follow subsequently?

I wonder.

One day, will we find ourselves back at square one? As if nothing had happened...

When you cease to have expectations, you won't feel that disappointed. Yet having expectations is, in a way, proof that you care.

Your choice- to care and hence get both hurt and/or happy, or to not care and feel nothing.

Which would you dare choose?

I watch the incoming NCO squad enthusiastically enter NP room. I guess I should feel happy for them- after all, it will be their home for the next year. The fact that their enthusiasm greatly outshone ours is perhaps a good start for their term.

Hope the sec3s' smiles can continue until and beyond the next ROD.

Labels: Hotshots♥ /RVNP

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Friday, July 15, 2011 10:14 PM

It's all in my mind.

痴情？可能吧。

当时你在大家面前问我的时后，我真的不晓得怎么回答。怎么说呢……我们两是有曾经谈过类似话题的人，所以如果回答得差不多，你会了解的。（至少，我是这么认为的）但是大家……不可能为了听我那一小段答案而听我讲完这一切的。连你都不曾听完它。更糟的是，我自己也说不上是否还对他门有好感，或者为哪一个男生有好感。我是在说服我自己……这点，你懂吗？别人懂吗？

而且，让太多人了解我心里的事让我害怕。当我是唯一一个“懂”我自己是，我的心由我掌控。当别人也进得来……我怕他们会让我慢慢地…相信、希望错的东西。 ^^

You smile, but I don't trust myself to smile back. Please don't think me cold, because this is also my reaction when I am at a loss of what to do.

After receiving so much concern on your part, can I still smile, considering that I never deserved it in the first place?

Yet can I not smile? Your parting sentence, after all, and because you were warm to start off with.

When I look at their enthusiastic faces, their hoarse yet enthusiastic voices, and their continual "Staff Staff Staff!" to me and Junianti, I am pulled in two directions.

One- envy. Because I know that it was not me who made them high this act; I am merely reaping and benefiting from their overflowing mood. I don't dare to say that I could have achieved that- their ecstatic mood, them going all out.

The other- happiness. Because they really are high- that and their smiles really reached me.

I have once said this to someone before.

That there is one point that we reach, and when we reach that state, there is hardly any turning point: at some stage, the primary point is seeing them enjoy their NP life, having them happy alongside their squadmates, having them smile and respond enthusiastically during debrief, seeing them look bu4 she3 de2 when ROD approaches.

I feel that again. Still. And now closer to ROD, I feel it more.

Since last act, I have realised that I will miss them.

Watching them smile like that, I have the feeling that I would have just given them whatever they wanted to just continue seeing them smile.

Even if... those who were so high to follow/bug us up to NP room was only... 4++ of them?

Yes. It is that bad.

I'm just hoping that I won't cry for them during ROD. That I see their smiles, even at the very end.

Oh shit. I didn't bank on this when I became IC. Much less when I saw the sec1s standard.

Shit....

This actually made me remember why I wanted to be sec3 IC though I didn't like the sec3 squad. I felt that even if I grew to care about them, we could see them when they were NCOs, in the NP room or whatever.

Sec2 squad ICs... supposed to have the greatest impact on their squad right? I remembered how Sergeant Simin looked when she marched off during the parade rehearsal- I didn't dare to go through that. And how our other ICs kept returning, even when they were no longer NCO squad. I didn't dare to feel that attachment.

Sec1 ICs... I feel that the fate would be that you remember least of them, even if you can remember that they were caring, strict or funny. The impression is there, but the memory fades. I reckon that if Sir didn't come back, it would become a distant (though happy) memory. And I didn't want that either.

But now...

Oh well, I just have to live, don't I? I have to take both the plus and the minus in stride. To be happy to see their ecstatic smiles, to miss them when we cease to take them... To be, one day, a memory. I have to take both in stride.

Labels: Deep Emotions, Hotshots♥ /RVNP

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011 10:37 PM

It's all in my mind.

My emotions as a pool of water.

When I came down from NP room today, I didn't expect that I will feel this. Not in the least.

Part of me wishes that I stayed in NP room,yet I know that this is a memory, one memory that I am sure I want to keep.

Light ripples over the water, insignificant things, rippling the calm water from dissatisfaction at my uniform.

Insignificant things.

Pei Hao read off his laptop screens, that some Sergeants were getting ex-NCOs' ranks. Amanda, Ma'am Wenting's. Mine, Staff Jing Xian's. Chloe, Staff Ongmin's. Junianti said that, yes, they had had a preference as to who got their ranks.

Wind blows across the now still water- compared to the previous, these were waves. It doesn't reach the depths of the liquid, but still.

The causes... First and foremost, surprise. Next, add in a pinch of pressure. Then comes the gratitude that I happened to be one.

I should say thank you to Staff Jing Xian when I see her next.

But this level of gratitude is small compared to the next few hours.

Ripples across the water again, as I fall in as part of Hotshots, and ripples again when I stood in front of the sec1s as squad IC. Though for the latter, the ripples were physical. Shit.

Fall in with Junianti after wrapping up briefly with the sec1s. Sir Raymeo asked Hotshots if we wanted to do drill. For obvious reasons, there was hesitation- perhaps a combination of worry that our standard only serves to disappoint him and that our drills were rusty.

After Sir reminded us that it was our second last parade, we went ahead with it.

Imagine now dripping of coloured water into the pool.

It slowly spreads, creating interesting trails as it enters the pool, and mixes into the clear water. That would be surprise.

Then a tremor shakes the land, causing the entire body of water to shake with it. It reaches the depths- what chance does the pool stand against a miniature earthquake?

Of course he should be the one to. For him, and for us... I'm not sure about Sir Wee Teck, but Sir was everything we could ask for in an IC, moreover he returned to watch over Hotshots in NCOship.

If not him, then who?

TO handing out the ranks during muster parade hardly made an impact emotionally. This would be the real thing. This would not be for the benefit of the unit, but for us, our squad and our IC.

I would have lost count of the number of times I tried to stop it. But hope and despair at it did not make the water cease to shake. It got worse.

Another round of coloured water into the pool. Perhaps because it set in with a note of finality that the end was near. A twitch of the nose, dryness in my eyes- close, but bearable.

At some time, Sir looked less of smiling than of concentrating.

When we were all done, Sir told us to wear our ranks proudly every time and the next time we are in uniform- perhaps ROD, and remember how we got it...

The effects of the earthquake was gone, but the coloured dye had spread a long way into the pool. He even bersurai-ed us, and yet after we thanked him as a squad he still seemed to be watching us, even when he joined the other CIs. We broke into small conversation, happy conversation, but the pool didn't return to its original state. Ruth noticed, quite apparently, and offered her hand. The pool was calm as can be now. Only issue was that it was not the same.

Went to take the sec1s with this kind of mood. It is not hard to imagine that that itself, plus the fact that this was most likely our last debrief before ROD's made me the emo factor in the 3 person debrief. I didn't think I would cry for them- I still don't think so. But their lack of response managed to gloom me more. Even though we told them that this was the last debrief, there was no reaction. Hardly surprising judging that they are sec1s- I recall that no matter how much our sec1 ICs prompted Hotshots on any last words, anything that we wanted to say to them- nothing. It has always been a source of regret whenever I remember them. Worse thing was that we never made it up to them. Never.

I didn't take their bersurai. Not with this kind of feelings.
Junianti managed to force me into letting them call me Staff for the first time by refusing to acknowledge the permission to shift. -.-

As we went up to NP room, I realised that I would miss them. Yes, the number of times I called them "my squad" could be counted with one hand, but I realise that I will miss them. I didn't see that until today. Or perhaps I should attribute it to the fact that the pool is half coloured already. It was an exhausting thought, somehow- I didn't change while Xing Yao and Junianti did.

I wondered if I should have escaped to change when Sir Raymeo and Sir Jovi came in, for they sat down rather than change immediately. Slightly visible trembles break out, while a current appears in the water, self inflicted by something I considered, but dared not do. Meanwhile, the coloured nature of the pool leaves me fatigued- as such, I didn't even try to answer Sir Jovi asking me on how I felt about being IC etc. This wasn't the question to upset the pool, so perilously on the edge now. I tried to give decent answers as the conversation moved to more emotionally neutral questions. I guess I even attempted a hand in humour- quoting Sir Jovi to Sir Jovi when he said a sentence or two which I pretended to infer as looking down on Hotshots, asking for his choice of weapon- which Sir Raymeo volunteered to be; and when Sir Jovi asked which CCA I was joining, I replied Entrepreneur (which is true) but when he asked why I said that it was because I couldn't bear to part with my sec3 ICs. He gave that 0_0 look, to which I earnestly told him not to take me seriously. Not because I was saying this in front of Sir Raymeo, not because I don't like my sec3 ICs- rather, to them it would have been gratitude rather than affections.

Xing Yao came back. The waters weren't settled, nor was the colour about to fade from its midst. Any attempt at laughing failed dreadfully, and I think I would have accurately declared myself gloom-control-centre in that little room.

...

I'll leave out the exact statements and behaviours henceforth until we venture back into reasonably neutral waters, considering that I would keep that for myself- and squadmates at most, and more than this audience have access to my blog. Though by this I fear that I may not be able to keep all the memories within me, that with time some of the details would start fading...

The current turned into tidal waves that crashed through the entire confines of the pool- just to get that first sentence out. If there had been any other way to do this, I would have leapt at the opportunity- but I felt that this I owed. Your first prompt I wondered if you already knew my answer, deep down somewhere in your heart. I didn't articulate it properly, but the mini-storm building up was a hindrance. You denied what I said- the following prompt I cannot be completely certain whether it was on purpose, for me to say it out, or to express that I had nothing to be sorry for. Either way, a whirlpool developed; chaos.

The pool toppled over the edge when you replied that you forgot about it. Because that would only be for my benefit- how could you possibly forget it, when I dealt you that blow, undermining what you as a CI and IC wanted to give Hotshots? To have been able to write that email, how could you possibly forget it? Yet your every sentence was a kind bid for the pool to return to its calm state. But it wouldn't stop overflowing- because it just rubbed in the fact that I actually hurt you. You.

I left the room. With Junianit's determined optimism and careful steering of topic, the pool began to slowly return to a calm state. Perhaps also due to a fear of others seeing me in this state as well. But the dye in the originally crystal clear water set in totally; there was no way to get rid of it. But beneath the settled surface of the dyed water, remnants of the storm remained evident.

Ripples again, once you entered. I didn't dare to look you in the face- the surface which was temporarily under control would falter. But after that parting line, impactful on me as it was, and the effort to smile back, it overflowed again, and more coloured dye streamed into the pool.

Thank you, but I don't deserve this. All this, but your first priority was to comfort me- I really don't deserve this. I'm sorry- thank you.

千千万万的感激与抱歉，我到底能不能再说出口。

Labels: Deep Emotions, Hotshots♥ /RVNP

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Saturday, July 9, 2011 10:51 PM

It's all in my mind.

Seow Hwee is right, I think. We truly are too comfortable being with each other. Together, for four years- yes, she's absolutely right when she said that we don't feel so at ease when we're with our other friends.

And I guess you are right, Ken- that I'm not the only one worrying about bonds breaking- that's why we took time off to eat together. I wouldn't call it shallow- I'll just call this our own way of placing in the minimal effort in a bid to maintain this. This feeling. When RVNP ceases to be the common factor, will we drift? In time to come, if we sit together at the table again, will we speak of the old times once more? When others look at us gathered together, what do they see?

As we laughed, as we spoke, as we ate... All those times, for which our own memories leave loopholes in, they're supplemented by squadmates. We're one whole- individuals, perhaps, but with a common experience to speak of- we are Hotshots.

Check check check, our past attendance, memorable acts and actions... It feels so comfortable to reminisce such things. I wonder, at a point of time, how nice it'd be- if I could pause and record all this- and one day, in months and years to come... To look back upon all these gifts, to look back upon all these gifts of time.

Labels: Hotshots♥ /RVNP

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.