The void sucks me in.

Saturday, December 31, 2011 12:02 PM

It's all in my mind.

To not know... It's scary.

Ignorance is bliss- perhaps. But to be aware of the ignorance...

The realisation that I don't know makes me fear.

There're things I would like to ask, and much that I'd like to say.

Yet the propriety of those words... and that I fear the effect of them on you...

They hold me back.

Never mind.

They'll just bounce around in my head until I accept them as an eventuality that, when it comes, I'll embrace with good grace.

What else can I do when doubt has permanent residence in the recesses of my head?

... Where did I see this before? 'If someone has to get hurt, let it be me.'

'Because it's okay... for it to end with nothing left in my hands.'

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Friday, December 30, 2011 11:49 PM

It's all in my mind.

I am absolutely surprised that I enjoyed myself at the Entre business course/learning fest/"camp" today.

Although ah the catching game (or something) was honestly tedious (the school is big ._.) it was quite enjoyable. =)

Minus the fact that my stamina has never been good and it got worse after a complete lack of training. I could ever only manage really short distances, and... that's the exact wrong style for chasing people around the school. ._.

Minus the fact that I was the last catcher left yet I didn't manage to catch the last survivor. Whom I spotted and tried to catch three times and failed up to the very end. -.-

The rather weird steamboat dinner! I was under the impression that everyone sits around the table... no? Never mind. Had a good time interacting with my squadmates, Huili and Yiheng. =D

But mainly... I think why I enjoyed it so much was because of my group. ^^

I'm surprised, really, since I don't have any squadmates with me. But... hmmm... RVNP ftw? =)

Incredibly effortless being there- or perhaps because Staff Jing Xian and Ma'am Wenting contributed greatly to the enthusiasm. =) Yet we managed to get work done despite all the laughter and jokes! (Y)

And another contributing factor was that we chose Tealicious and Starbucks to study I think. ^^ We are quite interested and relatively well informed about them both, so it probably made evaluation, comparing and contrasting etc less annoying.

Plus the amazing powerpoint slides. (Y) Not done by me so this doesn't count as 自夸. =)

Hmmm a bit too tired to attempt to go into more details, but really! Today was a really enjoyable day. =)

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

11:32 PM

It's all in my mind.

I was about to type about the Entre camp/ business course, but I got awed by my class timetable.

1. I am impressed by the amount of blank spaces.

2. I am impressed by the timings that are not taken up by GP or PW.

It's not my imagination. The Wednesday 11am to 12pm slot is split into 5 different sections. H2 GE or H2 CSC or H2 CSE or H2 EN OR free period. Woah!

Not to say that 5N's timetable is the most impressive. I see this in 5P and 5R as well. But *exhales deeply* (Y)

I know the question I might not want to ask on the first day of school. "What is your subject combination?"

Really, with double science and full arts students of many different combinations...

Well, I hope we get along properly. ^^

One thing I'm really happy about (besides the fact that I got my combi! ♥ ) is that I'm in the same class as Zhang Ying! =D definitely the person I'm going to be closest to in my new class- and I'm not complaining in the least! =D

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Monday, December 26, 2011 12:34 PM

It's all in my mind.

The other of the two things I wanted to post yesterday.

Words. They're so scary. Their effects... It's scary.

They can send you to both extremes so effortlessly.

How they are felt- it can be so different. Words- on the road from the speaker to the receiver... Their meaning can warp and evolve so much.

What was not meant to hurt... Can cut. And when cut, other words that may have had a chance to undo them... Can suddenly be as unimpactful as the passing breeze.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but I seem to be doing that a lot.

I know that I never want to hurt you. I know that I never want to see you hurt.

I mean it. Yet I seem to be saying all the wrong things.

The mind. It's scary too.

Who gave it leave to feel words as such? Inferences... Yet if the inferences were a universe away from what was meant!

Who gave it leave to think the words as it does, to think too much?

To as a result, strain the heart?

The heart... Is a fragile thing.

How does it survive? Forced to feel emotions from one end of the spectrum to the other?

All of them- strong, vivid emotions to nothingness.

Times there would be when I imagine that I'd rather I can't think the words,

or simply lose the ability to understand... so my heart doesn't have to take the weight.

But without words, without the mind to register them, without the heart to feel their effects... How do we live?

For there to be pain, there has to be kindness.
For darkness to stand out, there has to be the sun.

To not know the pain, I'd have to compromise the opposite extreme, won't I?

Dare I?

I think I have uncovered the reason why the link between my head and heart is so screwed.

Mingling with people, hurting them, getting hurt by them...
That's how you learn about others... and about yourself. If you don't, you'll never be able to care about anyone but yourself. You may be a black belt fighter, but you're still a white belt in dealing with people. For the sake of the girl who will one day tell you she loves you... Don't run away. Keep training.

This is what Shigure said to Kyo.

What can I say? Getting hurt myself is much easier to bear than seeing others hurt or hurting others.

Labels: Deep Emotions

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

12:26 PM

It's all in my mind.

One of the two things I wanted to post yesterday.

命里有时终须有，
命里无时莫强求。

When I repeated after the singer the words in Cantonese, tears suddenly laced the edge of my eyelids.

I'm not sure why... But perhaps because sometimes we just aren't fated for somethings.

We're supposed to accept it as fate deems fit, is it not? Loss, we've got to take it in stride.

And if we're meant to be, we'll be.

But times exist when circumstances oppose the will, are there not?

Willing things... Is it enough?

At the end of it all, we're all at the mercy of fate.

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Friday, December 23, 2011 4:42 PM

It's all in my mind.

Often times in memory, we have the tendency to overly romanticize the people we care about.

I believe it possible. I fear. ^^

I fear that those eyes do not see the real, inadequate person.

What do you see?

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Thursday, December 22, 2011 10:12 PM

It's all in my mind.

Guilt.

I worry that they overheard us and took our words at face value.

It would have hurt very much.

But if you did. I'm sorry.

To harp on the unhappy portion of the past within earshot- we could have done better.

The past where we still blamed, where we still detested. That despite the effort put in, these memories couldn't be erased.

Yet, yet.

It shows that you have a permanent spot in our memories, no?

Rather than painful neutrality that fades away without any effort, it's the peaks and valleys that we forget least, no?

I'm sorry if this sounds like no apology at all. I can't feel bad for the feelings that we had before- I can't unfreeze time and change my sensations. Not for this case.

Nor will I ask of you to have to forget all your frustrations with us and never have detested us.

But while we can say all those...

Please believe that now, after it all, it's different.

As NCOs to cadets, we may not have had the best experience hoped for.

As friends and equals, we may yet have a chance. You are the one reaching out, for us to have this chance. ^^

I don't want to be the kind of adult who says "It's okay, he/she's just a kid".

"Youth cannot know how age thinks and feels. But old men are guilty if they forget what it was to be young..."

It's true. I mean, when we look back at the times when we were younger. Whilst we judge with our grown perspective how these actions were foolish or how we could have done better, think about it.

Did it seem stupid to us at that point of time?

Things that were so important to us, feelings that came so naturally to us then. Did we feel that it was stupid?

Just like... do we have a right to judge people's thinking? Among peers- do we dare to claim that our thinking is superior to theirs? Can my thinking be more correct than yours?

We can't do that, can we? We just have to accept that this suits you better, and that serves me better. Similarly for children, is it not?

They are growing individuals, with different thinking and slightly less experiences to shape their view or perspective. They may not be used to reigning in themselves or judging themselves- yet not all grown ups can claim not to be selfish.

Everything they experience will influence what kind of person they grow up to be. They may be children, but they have memories too. They have feelings as equal as others, their hearts as tender as any other mortal.

That being said, it's not like I'm doing a fantastic job of it. I just hope that as time passes and even if memories fade, I don't forget this sentiment.

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Monday, December 19, 2011 11:06 PM

It's all in my mind.

I wonder what it is that annoyed me.
True, it really wasn't my problem. Like Amanda said, it's his choice.
I don't know what's wrong with me, but I had some sort of issue with him not taking care of himself. Or something.

In his place, I would have endured too. In her place, I'd have pressed my point.
To worry about inconveniencing someone... I get that. To have a greater boundary of what's acceptable or endurable when you yourself is the one undergoing it... I get that.
But it somehow manages to put me off.

Sorry. Yes, it's your choice if you don't mind falling sick- more sick than you already are. It's your problem if the reason is that it'd be inconvenient or awkward.
But I have an issue when I have to watch you, squadmate-落汤鸡, as you make that choice.

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Saturday, December 10, 2011 2:10 PM

It's all in my mind.

Oh my god. I actually got Lit. I actually got Lit!

... somehow, my dad and sister erupted in raptures of joy more openly than I. ^.^

But yes I'm freaking happy! ^^ Surprised, but really happy! ^^

(judging by my vocabulary here, I'm going to screw my essays next year, but well. *happy*)

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Thursday, December 8, 2011 3:44 PM

It's all in my mind.

I know... but I don't dare to listen to those words.

... In the end, I can only hope that it's enough. ^^

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Monday, December 5, 2011 11:49 PM

It's all in my mind.

Music too loud for my ears, but any other volume wouldn't suffice.

I am reminded by this fantastic flaw in my being.

The amazing ability to hate with such vengeance.

And worse, I fancy that this is the one point I will never waver in!

Yes, hate is a kind of passion too, isn't it?

Yet for the hatred I have, I hate myself too.

Perfect.

... I'll probably be deaf at a relatively young age.

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

7:21 PM

It's all in my mind.

I don't recollect that I ever used the word "handsome" on a guy before.

Perhaps this is the effect of having been told by friends that 我审美观有问题, that I began to wonder the meaning of the word.

For girls, I have no qualms using the word "beautiful", though I feel more at ease using "pretty" instead. Call me weird if you please. -.-

What on earth is "handsome" supposed to be?

No offence to the guys I know, but if it's supposed to cause girls to salivate, I have never seen one handsome guy.

So sorry, I don't salivate over guys. I am not planning to be proven wrong. ^^

(I would under no circumstances like to be asked "what about over girls?" by the way)

I particularly remember that time Siyao showed me a poster of the Boys Over Flowers and asked me who I found looked most handsome/cute.

... it was superbly trying for me. Not because I couldn't choose who but rather that they were all just okay-looking to me. ._.

Now I apologise in advance to any guys reading this post if it sounds disagreeable. Sorry. ._.

1. Not okay looking. This speaks for itself, but not often do people get categorised under here. I shall not be vulgar or hurtful and use "ugly". Yet sometimes, albeit rarely, people like Pattinson gets thrown into this category because their physiognomy contrasts too much with the context of what he's supposed to be. Too bad.

2. Okay looking/agreeable. This covers the vast majority of guys I know. I do not equate this with "plain" or "boring", 所以请不要自作聪明 and infer. Okay looking is not a negative term. Purely neutral.

3. Nice/ good looking. There's this quote in Jane Eyre that might present my stand better: "gratitude, and many associations, all pleasurable and genial, made his face the object I best liked to see; his presence in a room was more cheering than the brightest fire"

When I say "good looking", I'm probably speaking of an opinion rather than a fact. Fact- it's for the majority to judge, isn't it? Whether the features of the face are at the ideal spots, the figure, and whatsnot with the hair and eye colour etc. For those who are deemed "handsome" and I agree, "good looking" it is.

For those who don't profess to look that stunning. When I say "good looking", it's that, to me, you look nice. I'm not critically evaluating your exterior anymore, but the overall feeling when I think of you or see you. Bias perhaps, from the friendship or time spent.

Treasured friends, closer squadmates... some relations like my cousin, my uncle... my father (oops ^^)

Well, sorry to the above people that I may keep my eyes on you. ^^

I won't say the same thing for girls though. In fact, I'm not even going to dedicate a single word on that-

many a times a single word would hurt so much more than anyone planned, even if it were meant as a joke or purely commentary. (by this I am assuming that guys can take it better)

Furthermore... compliments won't have the best effect unless it was from the quarter it was desired of. Is it not?

In the end, I do believe that "beauty is in the eye of the beholder".

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Sunday, December 4, 2011 5:03 PM

It's all in my mind.

They are where I was... six years or so back.

In a way, they're worse off.

I realise that this post may sound more serious than the actual situation... But this piece of the past demands a serious note in reminiscing.

谁会想到一个小流浪狗会直接踏进我的心里？

How could such a small living being get such a significant spot in the heart of my younger self?

That was not the first time I experienced the concept of leaving, but it did hit hard.

Why had it to be given away? Over the tears I had shed, I blamed.

I hadn't been able to reconcile myself to the fact that sometimes, we're at the mercy of circumstances.

Since then, I think, my heart hardened towards pets.

Not harshness, mind. Neutrality. Neutrality to the extent that it's almost cold.

Yes, they are cute. Yes, fine, I don't deny that. Stroke them, okay.

Thing is, I really don't feel anything inside, see?

While my sister can fawn over the neighbours' dogs, fawn over this dog... I just watch on.

Is it accurate to say that something died within me?

送走小狗以后，我们曾在妹妹的要求、新主人的同意下见到了它。

I recall that I didn't ask to go. And when I did, there was nevertheless a check on my behaviour, my emotions. There was a very real barrier.

I remember thinking that the dog isn't ours now.

It had a new owner, a girl who was ecstatic to have it.

That's fortunate.

That's the full stop for me.

Present day. I tug the chain back, and upon the mother's reassurances, closed the door firmly shut. Yet I can still hear the little girls outside, losing the composure they had when sending this dog back.

The crying, I can hear.

I understand it. But there's absolutely nothing I can do. Circumstances. If it was for me to give the dog back to you, I would. But circumstances!

如果她们看到我珍惜它，是否会感到一丝欣慰？

Yet, the only thing I could ever do... I can't.

All I can wish for the pair of you... is that this does not leave as heavy a mark on you as a similar situation did on my heart.

I wonder about it. In a way, I guess it reflects on how my mind works, regarding my heart.

I don't want to analyse more here. I can see it in my head. This degree of self awareness, I have.

If you choose to look deeper and see the links...

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

3:38 PM

It's all in my mind.

Yep, this is what I was trying to quote! At that time I'd only the Chinese version of the quote, which I had to shorten immensely too... But found it, finally, yesterday at the library. ^^

"You know, Tohru-kun, when you get anxiety about the future... it's better not to think about it. For example, let's say, Tohru-kun... That you are surrounded with a mountain of laundry, piled so high around your feet that you can't move.

Now, let's assume you don't have a washing machine, so you have to wash everything individually by hand. You would be at a loss for what to do, right? You'd worry about if you could every wash everything, if you could get it all clean, if you'd ever have time for anything but laundry ever again!

The more you think about it, the more anxious you'd get. But time keeps passing, and the laundry doesn't wash itself. So what do you do, Tohru-kun?

It might be a good idea... to start washing the laundry right at your feet. Of course, it's important to think about what lies ahead, too... But if you only look at what's down the road... You'll get tangled in the laundry at your feet and you'll fall, won't you? You see... It's also important to think about what you can do now, what you can do today. And if you keep washing things one at a time... You'll be done before you know it. Because fortune is looking out for you.

Sometimes the anxiety will start to well up, but when it does... Take a little break. Read a book, watch tv, or eat soumen with everyone."

This quote was by Shigure Sohma! There's another one I'm looking for, one that I'd like to quote to my sister... The one by Megumi to Saki Hanajima? Hmmm...

Labels: Random Sharing

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Friday, December 2, 2011 6:34 PM

It's all in my mind.

Not noticing your own qualities are fine, really. It's just a lonely thing, but people surrounding can attempt to convince you otherwise. Even if you are blind to it, there ought be people who notice, who like you because of it. Strange as it may be.

Not noticing your own faults is actually quite common too. We get used to how we are, and take it that it's normal. Fine. If that's the case it'd be horrid to condemn.

But blatant lack of self awareness. And absolutely no openness to accept. Ready to see fault in all but yourself. Who are you, king of the world?

That was a blatant lack of self awareness. How on earth did you manage to blame her for that? How the hell was it her fault?

Child A hits child B, child B hits back. Or child A annoys child B, and child B strikes at A.

I have grown out of it eons ago. You're supposed to be an adult, for crying out loud. Grow up!

---

I realise that between the two of us, we have everything we need to succeed.

And I come to realise that I quite envy- is envy the right word?- people who have aims in life.

This is one thing I sorely lack.

And, I reckon, this would be the cause of me wandering in life.

My sister has an inquisitive, lively mind.

I never thought to ask "why" questions.

Why is the sky blue? Why does this happen? Why is it not like that? What is wind?

Things like that- never. If I read about it, I'll just take it as a truth and go "oh I see".

For her, she does ask. She asks things that I never thought to, which I admit frustrated me to some lengths. The feeling, you know, when you're supposed to be the elder one, yet you can't answer, yet you don't know.

I can see that she'll make a fantastic science student if she had teachers able to answer her queries. She has the interest. She will want to know.

Still I don't really envy her for that. I'd long accepted that I wasn't a Science person. And I do question. Sometimes. But not over issues of this nature.

What I envy... is the fact that she has aims in life. Goals she wants to achieve.

For me, I don't.

Rather, it isn't that I've never thought of it. It's just that, with time, I realise that it's not for me, or that I am not capable enough for it. But now... I don't have an aim anymore.

Sadly, the reverse is not true.

Yet she doesn't have the discipline, or the will to presevere. Kay, the reverse is true for sports related things. But still.

The circumstances surrounding her also drags her down, holds her back from achieving.

In a way, I can see that I might be the more fortunate of us both.

Because, I guess, being hardworking will lead me somewhere. Not necessarily where I'd like to be, but I could at least support myself. I think.

Some birthdays ago, I had started wishing that I'd find my way.

Some birthdays after, I gave it up as useless. One birthday I changed it to that she would find her way.

Poor wording, I guess. I didn't define what "finding her way" was. Should also have added "and let her have what it takes to make it happen".

The point is because... If I don't find my way (sometimes I despair that I will not), I'll still function. If it were her... where would she be?

This is perhaps wishful, useless thinking on my part, since nothing could be gained from it.

But if there was one of us who should embody both our advantageous traits... I think I'd rather it be her.

Where would that leave me? I don't know.

Guess then I can count on her heart to provide for me? *smiles* I'd really be the ultimate slacker, the ultimate pig then...

Oho! I'm very touched that as she looks through this section of my post, she tells me that she'd have chosen me to have the traits instead.

Then again, then again.

Perhaps it's our combined trait of looking down on ourselves and admiring others. ^^

I'll leave it at that.

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

~ Profile ~

Tan Jing Yee
River Valley High School
RVNP HotShots! (sec1'08)
~~Shuqun Primary School~~
28 July

~ some quotes ~

♥ But I think... I want to live with all my memories. Even if they're bad memories. Even if they're memories that only hurt me... that I'd rather forget. If I keep them and keep trying, without running away, then someday I'll be strong enough that those memories can't defeat me. I believe that because I want to think that there's no such thing as a memory that's ok to forget.

♥ Pain, suffering. It's pointless to just think about those things. The traveler (referring to "The Most Foolish Traveler" by Natsuki Takaya) didn't. That may be stupid to some people but that's not stupid to me. Yuki... Kyo... when you close your eyes, what do you think?

♥ Just as no matter how hard you try to keep it away... despair will attack you again and again. In the same manner hope will return to you. Again and again.

♥ Someday... no matter how cold it is now... the snow will melt. Without fail.

♥ For there to be pain, there has to be kindness. For darkness to stand out, there has to be the sun.

♥ Maybe I'm not perfect. Maybe I have a long way to go. But someday... someday I'll be able to stand and walk on my own. Without hurting anyone... and without being a burden.

♥ We're all born with selfish desires so we can relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is created individually by each person... So it's easy to misunderstand when someone is trying to be kind to you... But, Tohru, people's differences are something to celebrate.

♥ "And if when everything ends, nothing is left in my hands...that's alright."

♥ Mingling with people, hurting them, getting hurt by them. That's how you learn about people and about yourself. If you don't, you'll never care about anyone but yourself.

♥ I want to be the only one... who can help the one I care about.

♥ "I wish I could have lived... In a kind world. Without anxiety. Without fear. Without hurting other people. Without being hurt myself. Only doing the right things. I wish I could have followed... The shortest path... To the kind world I wish for. I wish... I could have lived my life... Without making any wrong turns. But that is impossible. A path like that doesn't exist. We fail. We trip. We get lost. We make mistakes. And little by little, one step at a time... we push forward. It's all we can do. On our own two feet. Even if we get a little banged up. Someday, we'll reach something. We'll reach someone. We pray."

♥ "Crowds used to make me wonder. How many people would notice if I disappeared? I used to mull over that kind of thing constantly... once upon a time. But now... I'm a little different. It's not like that. It doesn't have to be... A lot of people. Even if it's just one person. That's enough. Having one person... is an incredible thing. Because then... It can't be zero. I was happy. I was happy then, too. I was so happy, it tickled. In the midst of all those people... She singled me out... and found me. And it's the same thing now. Having someone other than yourself... thinking of you. Looking... for you. You can't take that for granted. It's a miraculous and blessed thing."

♥ "... please don't cry anymore. I know that happy things... and fun things.. eventually come to an end. But things that are scary and sad... come to an end too. They always do. Even if you can't always believe that... please don't give up. Live. I want you to live. Even if you make a mistake, even if you take the long way, it's still okay... Just please... please live. Don't give up on pushing forward. Please. At least don't give up on that. Even if I'm not... by your side."

♥ Often times in memory, we have the tendency to overly romanticize the people we care about.

♥ Humans may be fragile creatures, but they're not weak to the extent to being crushed by their painful memories even after they meet with something unfortunate. We're far more resilient that that. Everything will be alright.

♥ "Don't worry, Kanade. What a person has actually gone through is unexpectedly different from what he remembers. Even though that gap may leave him feeling sad sometimes... Even the most vivdly clear memory... will change with time eventually."

♥ "Humans are amazing. Even though they may not see something physically... They'll still sense it. Everything else is the same. If you work hard, others will know that you work hard. If you don't work hard, others will know that you don't work hard."

♥ "Someday... You'll find someone who'll know all your good and bad points... And who'll still love you all the same."

♥ If... There was ever a Land of the Blindfolded, will the people of that land... Understand what it's like to have your blindfold come undone? Even if... Most people will never understand us... There might just be... Someone who can do that. It isn't easy to understand people's feelings... But that doesn't mean... That you're alone.

♥ It is not violence that best overcomes hate — nor vengeance that most certainly heals injury.

♥ The real courage is living and suffering for what you believe.

♥ “If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”

♥ Do not pity the dead, Harry, pity the living. Above all pity those who live without love.

♥ 每一段记忆，都有一个密码。只要时间，地点，人物组合正确，无论尘封多久，那人那景都将在遗忘中重新拾起。你也许会说“不是都过去了吗？”其实过去的只是时间，你依然逃不出，想起了就微笑或悲伤的宿命，那种宿命本叫“无能为力”。

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