The void sucks me in.

Monday, July 29, 2013 11:02 PM

It's all in my mind.

Last year, I had insisted not to have my birthday celebrated.
Last year I had, regardless, hoped- leaving one major exception...
28 July 2012 might be remembered as the day I felt I had everything, and also the day I started tangibly losing everything that made me myself.

This year, I willed it to be different.
This year, I would not hope- not one whit.
With no anticipation, there couldn't be disappointment.
With no hope, I wouldn't crash to earth.

Those who did not remember from last year would be welcome to let their memories fade- I wouldn't blame them. I won't remind them...
If it were me, I wouldn't remember 28 July either.

My person changed quite a lot in the course of a year.
My frame of mind, if not my emotions also-
Where I had been lacking in spirit, I'd restored willpower to put up a proper fight.
Where I had been lacking in confidence, I'd recovered it partly to patch up my image.
Where all was darkness around me, I'd at least started holding my own.

Poke me in the right spot, though, and I'd probably deflate once more. Until then, for everyone who has continued to shower me with care and concern,
I've left the living dead- I believe for real this time.

And every year, when I think I couldn't have been better cared for, it seems that I'm proven wrong.

Thank you, Si Min, Joanne, Huili, and particularly EnQi for the box of personalised notes and chocolates.

Thank you to Lucy, Kristine, Ken and Jiawen, for the memories and the letters- not forgetting Huili for compiling, Gloria and Zhang Ying for the useful penguin, Amanda for listening and the very apt gift, Kai Mei for the board and Angela for the thought. ^^

Thank you to Shou and Madeleine, with the handmade delights (只怕我不舍得吃……) And thank you to Freda for the cute bear and the moving letter.♥ You and Shou both...

Not forgetting Pei Hua, Sylvia, Keng Seng, Jasmine, Siyao who messaged yesterday. ^^
Finally, Peiling for having handmade me a beautiful personalised notebook much, much earlier.

For the time, the thought, the kindness, the love, the simple act of remembering and caring... Thank you all. ♥ To have you all, I'm fortunate beyond belief.

打从心底里的感谢。

This post has to be terribly insufficient to properly return in kind the thought- but before I get down to replying letters, I hope this suffices. ^^

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Sunday, July 28, 2013 8:00 PM

It's all in my mind.

In another life, I'd have made you stay. But my mood changes, and sometimes it tells me that it isn't worth thinking about someone who didn't even bother replying when I so desperately tried to reach him.
I've swung between the two extremes- quite frequently.
One night crying my eyes out, reaching to message... Then the next morning with logic restored, chide myself for even thinking of it.

I scrap my original plans for 28 July.
Originally, I wanted to spend today retracing the steps we took, for me to re-live the time spent, then say goodbye and put it down.
For that I could only imagine two people I didn't mind being with me. Both were more than impossible to ask.

Consequently, I guess the proper alternative was to be alone. Alone with my music and thoughts.

Practicality won out in the end. I weighed the likely success of moving on versus the more real possibility of being even more affected.
Considering the lack of one major puzzle piece in moving on, I guessed the internal chaos would build up again.

Practicality. I shall spend 28 July attempting my homework instead, and attempt to not let down the many people who expect me to do better... Including myself.
I shall postpone my 28 July plans for after As.

Perhaps by that time I'd have sorted myself out properly too, to make a proper conclusion to the story that has already been concluded on your end.

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Friday, July 26, 2013 11:40 PM

It's all in my mind.

The assurances that I'd turn out fine sits ill with me.

While I'd lived and depended on this positive image, I'm starting to think that that's exactly the problem.

For once, I want to be treated like a slow learner.

Because when people think you dont need help, they won't extend it to you, would they? They'd view you as a threat.

All based on image.

The above post was done some time back, but certainly by the same trigger.

Math. As I struggle to rectify my U and pull up my dismal grades, your comments made a lifetime ago came to mind, leaving a grimace on my face.

This is my own fight- I will fail or succeed by my own hand.

Nevertheless I look backwards sometimes... Those are the times I get too caught up to forcefully lift myself from the situation, and restore my blighted confidence.

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013 10:40 PM

It's all in my mind.

My indignation for May Welland continues.

If someone has never ever seen anything beyond the conventional, can you blame her for perpetuating that life? Can you blame her for not being radical, for not fighting for freedom?

While there's value in freedom, there's also merit in conventions, duty, promises.
Frankly, will you live in a society that's not founded on similar lines? If there's no stability, wherein comes the trust for your enjoyment of freedom to soar? If there are no conventions, freedom itself would be a boring norm. Paradoxically, two ideas are complementing, not in conflict.

I would think that to claim superiority of either is unjust, and not taking the person for their merit.

I am biased. Given Newland Archer's screw ups to both the women he claimed to love, I would be old New York.

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Monday, July 15, 2013 12:40 AM

It's all in my mind.

Words would always stay words.
Principles, when identified, should be something one sticks through to.

In the end, how does anyone know if they are following through with their principles? Isn't it through hearing feedback from others?

Sometimes, that's precisely what people lack.

I lack mirrors around me who're willing to reflect and let me see for myself if I'm adhering to my words.

Yet who is willing to listen if the ugliness reflected is too terrible to be true? Is it even correct to impose onto anyone else a perspective they don't want to acknowledge?

Over the weekend I'd identified the source of a tragic cycle within my family. This time the stakes are closer to heart, because I feel its effects, my sister feels its effects... And for another, time is counting down. The walls are closing in.

And the tragedy is that my role has been sidelined into an observer. My opinion arising from being a character in retrospection has been ignored.

“坐以待毙”… It would be bad if it were for myself. For others though, to watch them walk towards the cliff others have already identified...

I'm not yet doomed to the same fate, and may I keep my wits with me yet to prevent that cycle from continuing with me. But that is not enough.

On that thought, I realised that how Galbatorix was defeated in Inheritance was truly the most apt.
There's no greater magic than the one that would let people see and understand for themselves other people's thoughts, perspectives and emotions.

The gift of understanding would ideally bring with it the gift of empathy, and empathy is the key to solve problems in the world.

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Friday, July 12, 2013 11:30 PM

It's all in my mind.

Internal battles are the ones I'm destined to lose.

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Thursday, July 11, 2013 12:42 AM

It's all in my mind.

Skyfall at its maximum volume.
A vain attempt to suppress the crushing weight that closes in on my heart, reminding me of the futility of existence.

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013 9:28 PM

It's all in my mind.

I wonder if I irritate people without realising...

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Sunday, July 7, 2013 7:48 PM

It's all in my mind.

There being many tiers of different reasons, I never had much issues with people not understanding my posts.

However... I was talking to Amanda with Huili before lit paper on Friday.
At some point, we both acted somewhat childish- and Amanda said she wished I could be more childish in my blog. Huili also said that my writing style has changed. Now she doesn't understand anything.

Perhaps I owe my friends a thorough reflection on why I've become more cryptic.

In the first: indeed, something has changed.

While I'm uncertain whether the change in my writing style tallies completely with the change in myself, something has changed.
Before that change, while there were posts that gave a faithful description of an event, complete with details, emotions, actions and at times conversations,
I'm certain there were vague and random ones, ones that reflect some sudden thought. Uncovering the purpose of those would be counterproductive. I particularly remember a post on light humans created to dispel darkness, inspired on the bus journey back from unit chalet long time ago. It truly was random.

Now, I think my posts surround my emotions and only hints of things that happened.
Of course, that is irritating but...
Haven't I seen some of the consequences of my ranting, my direct mention of names, events, words?
My squadmates should remember ITC of 2012.

Knowing the names of the people I rant about... While it gives a clear insight to friends my perspective,
obviously had effects that I had not originally planned.
My self-assured, angry post was cutting. And for better or for worse, I realised that some other posts were sparked off my mine.
Double blow.

It makes me hesitant to mention names now. On this point, it is because I don't want peoples' judgement to be influenced by my own.

Secondly, I am not a hero enough not to fear judgement and gossip.

I remember a conversation eons ago with Ken, when he asked what I'd do if I met people who jumped to conclusion about my posts and spread their assumptions... essentially.
What had I answered him? While I don't remember the words, I think it went along these lines: people whom I cared for wouldn't do so, and people who did that I wouldn't care for.
I managed to stick to that for some time.

But now I know how it is to want to keep something to yourself.
I know how it feels to have other people running away with the knowledge to do things I didn't appreciate.
It just enforced a long forgotten lesson I had gleaned in primary school:
Knowledge is power. And once it is in other people's hands, they get the power to alter your fate,
Get into your mind and upset its workings.

And I fear losing control of the things I have, my fate.
So while I let my emotions run free on this blog, significant details of its cause are left out.
I no longer dare to bare my soul.

Maybe it's because I have things to hide.
Perhaps it's because I am selfish.
Or just perhaps I'm hoping that the people who care enough or understand the post enough would clarify with me, talk to me.

Then again, I've functioned a long while with the perception that that people close to me would already know. Without giving specifics like date, time, event or names, they have the key that could, for the right posts, unlock the full meaning.
Some keys were not given willingly, some were given intentionally, some were given with a smile.

Some are earned.

After all, if it's the keys to the inner workings of my mind, could you expect me to hand it out like a pamphlet to random strangers, people whom I cannot ascertain that I know, or trust?

Knowledge is power, and those who wield it have the power to hurt me if they so choose.

Take it like this.
My blog is where I leave my heart. My head is where I leave my mind and thoughts.
If you look at my heart, you can see the effect but won't understand the causes.
If you have time enough to talk, you'll get the logical explanation.
For the people who ask at the right time, I may end up speaking more than I originally thought I would say to you.
For the right people, you'll manage to fit in the missing puzzle piece to understand my emotions.

I had received with surprise Yee Shin's comment that I seem particularly protective of my inner world.
Now I find I have to acknowledge it.
My heart and my mind...
It's all I have left, isn't it?

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013 10:14 PM

It's all in my mind.

No one will hear because nothing would escape from the dark recesses of my being.

And I only have myself to credit, myself to blame.

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

12:47 AM

It's all in my mind.

Something in me stirred as I looked back at my memo.
I followed my inclination and found myself looking through three months worth of posts from last year.

And I have to say, if we use the right looking glasses, sorrow itself can shine as a brilliant light.

At the very least... It is better than apathy.

Happiness and sadness both are worth treasuring, I suppose. Watching pure light punctuate the darkness at times... Yet knowing the next chapter of the story inevitably makes the light less moving, less touching...

It was, after all, too short lived.

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

~ Profile ~

Tan Jing Yee
River Valley High School
RVNP HotShots! (sec1'08)
~~Shuqun Primary School~~
28 July

~ some quotes ~

♥ But I think... I want to live with all my memories. Even if they're bad memories. Even if they're memories that only hurt me... that I'd rather forget. If I keep them and keep trying, without running away, then someday I'll be strong enough that those memories can't defeat me. I believe that because I want to think that there's no such thing as a memory that's ok to forget.

♥ Pain, suffering. It's pointless to just think about those things. The traveler (referring to "The Most Foolish Traveler" by Natsuki Takaya) didn't. That may be stupid to some people but that's not stupid to me. Yuki... Kyo... when you close your eyes, what do you think?

♥ Just as no matter how hard you try to keep it away... despair will attack you again and again. In the same manner hope will return to you. Again and again.

♥ Someday... no matter how cold it is now... the snow will melt. Without fail.

♥ For there to be pain, there has to be kindness. For darkness to stand out, there has to be the sun.

♥ Maybe I'm not perfect. Maybe I have a long way to go. But someday... someday I'll be able to stand and walk on my own. Without hurting anyone... and without being a burden.

♥ We're all born with selfish desires so we can relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is created individually by each person... So it's easy to misunderstand when someone is trying to be kind to you... But, Tohru, people's differences are something to celebrate.

♥ "And if when everything ends, nothing is left in my hands...that's alright."

♥ Mingling with people, hurting them, getting hurt by them. That's how you learn about people and about yourself. If you don't, you'll never care about anyone but yourself.

♥ I want to be the only one... who can help the one I care about.

♥ "I wish I could have lived... In a kind world. Without anxiety. Without fear. Without hurting other people. Without being hurt myself. Only doing the right things. I wish I could have followed... The shortest path... To the kind world I wish for. I wish... I could have lived my life... Without making any wrong turns. But that is impossible. A path like that doesn't exist. We fail. We trip. We get lost. We make mistakes. And little by little, one step at a time... we push forward. It's all we can do. On our own two feet. Even if we get a little banged up. Someday, we'll reach something. We'll reach someone. We pray."

♥ "Crowds used to make me wonder. How many people would notice if I disappeared? I used to mull over that kind of thing constantly... once upon a time. But now... I'm a little different. It's not like that. It doesn't have to be... A lot of people. Even if it's just one person. That's enough. Having one person... is an incredible thing. Because then... It can't be zero. I was happy. I was happy then, too. I was so happy, it tickled. In the midst of all those people... She singled me out... and found me. And it's the same thing now. Having someone other than yourself... thinking of you. Looking... for you. You can't take that for granted. It's a miraculous and blessed thing."

♥ "... please don't cry anymore. I know that happy things... and fun things.. eventually come to an end. But things that are scary and sad... come to an end too. They always do. Even if you can't always believe that... please don't give up. Live. I want you to live. Even if you make a mistake, even if you take the long way, it's still okay... Just please... please live. Don't give up on pushing forward. Please. At least don't give up on that. Even if I'm not... by your side."

♥ Often times in memory, we have the tendency to overly romanticize the people we care about.

♥ Humans may be fragile creatures, but they're not weak to the extent to being crushed by their painful memories even after they meet with something unfortunate. We're far more resilient that that. Everything will be alright.

♥ "Don't worry, Kanade. What a person has actually gone through is unexpectedly different from what he remembers. Even though that gap may leave him feeling sad sometimes... Even the most vivdly clear memory... will change with time eventually."

♥ "Humans are amazing. Even though they may not see something physically... They'll still sense it. Everything else is the same. If you work hard, others will know that you work hard. If you don't work hard, others will know that you don't work hard."

♥ "Someday... You'll find someone who'll know all your good and bad points... And who'll still love you all the same."

♥ If... There was ever a Land of the Blindfolded, will the people of that land... Understand what it's like to have your blindfold come undone? Even if... Most people will never understand us... There might just be... Someone who can do that. It isn't easy to understand people's feelings... But that doesn't mean... That you're alone.

♥ It is not violence that best overcomes hate — nor vengeance that most certainly heals injury.

♥ The real courage is living and suffering for what you believe.

♥ “If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”

♥ Do not pity the dead, Harry, pity the living. Above all pity those who live without love.

♥ 每一段记忆，都有一个密码。只要时间，地点，人物组合正确，无论尘封多久，那人那景都将在遗忘中重新拾起。你也许会说“不是都过去了吗？”其实过去的只是时间，你依然逃不出，想起了就微笑或悲伤的宿命，那种宿命本叫“无能为力”。

~ Leave your mark~

~Memories~

Click To View

~ Exits ~

Click To View

~ Credits ~