The void sucks me in.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010 7:02 PM

It's all in my mind.

I said that my eventual aim is that, when I see him, I can smile, put on a strong front, speak naturally to him, smile.

It doesn't matter if when I leave, I'm torn. That's my eventual aim. That's all I want.

I said that, as much as the emotions hurt me, as much as they kill me time and again, I don't want to lose them. I believe what Momiji said.

I thought.

I thought wrong.

I thought I would certainly have overcome it.

Wrong.

Idiot that I am.

I was hovering at the back of the 154 line at Boon Lay interchange. I couldn't decide to queue for 240 or 154.

There was a tall guy leaning against the railings, in Commonwealth's blue uniform- upper sec.
All of a sudden, I thought: I'll be horrified if it was him.

I stared into his back, strange it may be for the fact that it was just that of a stranger's. Somehow, I still stared. At once without warning, the guy turned.

His eyes fixed onto me.
That drew a simultaneous reaction from me- I ducked my head down, and turned to walk in another direction.

That fraction of a second was enough.

It was him, no doubt.

Zk.

I felt my face a tingling sensation, and I walked a distance, where I could see both 240 and 154 queues. After recognising him, there was something tempting me to go far away, to the 240 queue.

But a part of me... wanted to see his face again.

I stared, and I randomly noticed that my heart seemed to be pounding. I looked towards him again.

He was looking in my general direction.

I turned and blocked myself with the pillar.

UGH. man, why couldn't we have reached the interchange 20 mins earlier or something?
Why now?
UGH.
Dilemma. Turmoil.

In the end, 154 was here. I boarded it, keeping a distance from him, keeping myself out of his range of sight. (I noticed that I tend to prefer sitting/standing where I can see others- I hate being in everyone's sight but not being to watch others. This... was it from habit since that time...?)

And... I couldn't help watching him throughout the journey. I thought of going up to him to wish him happy belated birthday. But no. I know my self control wouldn't be that strong. As my stop drew closer, I prayed hard that he wouldn't see me when I alighted first.

His eyes were closed. I took a slightly extended moment to look at his face. He's changed.
But not enough for me to take longer than usual to recognise him. I hurried out of his sight.

5 years since the start.
4 years since the end.
3 years since graduation.

"Everything that has a beginning has an end."
I thought it did.

I'm pathetic. This is really pathetic.
... but could the reason why I can't truly put it down is because it is a episode with no end?
But I know that if my heart expects a full stop, it won't come.

Will I be pleased when I finally let go?
Will I ever?

"Hearts are the same as time, their distance increases as they are taken further apart."
I'm a fool.

Labels: Deep Emotions

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010 7:01 PM

It's all in my mind.

哭笑不得。

得民心者，得天下。
But, so what?
Sometimes, all we want is that one person's.

Guilty feeling.
The more you try to say it's alright, the more guilty I feel.
I'm sorry.

Junianti said that as squad ICs we have to care more about our squad than our squad.
...
I refuse to believe that I will become that.
I refuse to believe that I will care more about juniors than my squadmates.
Hotshots♥ ftw.

Asking my mum to ban me from the com til I finish EOYs. This blog will be dead for quite a while. JIAYOU FOR EOYS, everyone. 15 days.

Labels: Deep Emotions

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Thursday, September 9, 2010 9:38 AM

It's all in my mind.

... In retrospect. By following Madeleine... Are we also drifting from the squad?

A misfit.

I'd know. Trust me, I'd know.

I feel like I don't belong.

Nowhere do I fit in.

The gaze coming from their eyes...
Cold.
Unfamiliar.

I want to believe you.
When I see those words, I feel so comforted.
But reality isn't adding up.
I... don't... believe it.
I... can't believe it.

A misfit.
I feel as though we are ostracising ourselves now.

Me... who wants to see the squad bonded than anything else (even more than wanting to get GPA 3.5) ...
I am... contradicting my hope.

Idiot that I am.

I am wandering.
I'm a misfit.

Lost.

Seems like I cannot have everything.

They are drifting out of my palm already.

Labels: Deep Emotions, Hotshots♥ /RVNP

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010 9:23 PM

It's all in my mind.

I'll let go.
I'll let go.

Perhaps nothing will return to me.
Perhaps nothing will be left in my hands.

But you are right.

So despite that, I'll let go.
Even though it's damn scary,
I'll let go.

"And if when everything ends, nothing is left in my hands...that's alright."

Hotshots♥ FTW.

Labels: Deep Emotions, Hotshots♥ /RVNP

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Monday, September 6, 2010 4:53 PM

It's all in my mind.

每个人心里都有自己关心的人、特别照顾的人。当你不成为被特别关心的一分子，难免会感到有点寂寞... 有人关注时，就开心一点- 没人关心时失落一点...Such is the way of life.

A sudden thought flashed across my mind.
... Is it?
他背影从我眼前闪过。

Soon since I pressed "Send", I was proven right.
He walked in after everyone else, smiling in an odd manner. When he reached his seat, he said "yes", nodding.

The "yes" struck an odd cord in me.

Squadmate.

His definition of the word is similar to mine.
He really bothers.
I think... That's all that matters. It doesn't matter how you are seen, what your position is, what your rank is... Your heart is all that matters.
I salute you for that.

At the same time- I feel bad- not being there when they are.

Now, you people.
I recall the disappointment I felt after NPAP, when I realised that the bonds we held for 4 months paled in comparison to yours with hers. It was as if the 4 months didn't happen.
I felt a portion of sorrow when I saw on facebook, when one expressed regret not joining NPAP... You said "me too". And you agreed.
... Can I infer that you were not satisfied with the choice of people at NPAP?
If yes... That hurt, squadmate. That hurt. A lot.

Please, squadmates.
What is the definition of "Squadmates" to you?
You couldn't give me a specific definition,
but please.

The bond is not between the few of you-
it is meant to be with all 34.
I say 34, not 32.
Once squadmates, forever squadmates.
All of us.

Please.
Stop separating yourselves from the squad.
Please.
You people are situated right where you are expected to and can help the squad.
How the hell are you going to do that when and if you don't bother?
When and if you don't bond with the rest of Hotshots?
When or if you don't care?
Please.
Please.
Squadmates.

Labels: Deep Emotions, Hotshots♥ /RVNP

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Friday, September 3, 2010 5:02 PM

It's all in my mind.

"ey, go luh," I said. Despite my inadequate parade commanding skills, I knew that Ken and Yang Sheng heard me. But they stayed where they were. Still. Immobile. As if they didn't hear me.

Amanda said that they were probably 陪-ing us. I hadn't considered that.
If so... It was touching.
If so... Thank you, so much, you two.

After the first time with the thumbs down, I didn't expect my second time to be a thumbs up. But I gave all I could that day. Of the fact that I put in my best effort today I don't doubt. But still. And still.

Emotions surged through me. The first thing I said was "Amanda!"- if anyone had said anything at that moment, it may have overwhelmed me.

It wasn't curbed while Mr Ho attempted- attempted being the operative word- to "console" us.
But before too long I suppressed it.
I managed to swap a smile onto my face.
I couldn't feel it anymore.
For the moment, I was the victor.

It didn't hurt that Junianti and Peihao and the others did a much better job.
It didn't hurt seeing the parade commanders gather in the semi-circle.
I was in the eye of the tornado.

I saw the emotions running beneath her part calm. I tried, futile as it surely was, to let her reach the place I was.
I failed.
Yet another failure.

But it wasn't its hour of victory just yet.

Peihao tried to console us- like teacher like student, I guess, for the words used were almost exactly the same. I appreciate the thought. I appreciate the heart. But no. You aren't convinced by it enough to convince me, I think. I may be wrong. But thanks nevertheless.

Once out of their company, the reality of it hit me.

Despite what they said, despite how they tried to console us. it still hit me with the same force it had.

My best was not enough.
My best was not good enough.
My best... was insufficient.

But tears would not rise. I'd suppressed it successfully- its knife edge was dull. I would not cut tears into my eyes- but I felt it.
I felt it.

And no matter what the others may say...
It's proof that my best...
Was not enough.

Labels: Deep Emotions, Hotshots♥ /RVNP

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

~ Profile ~

Tan Jing Yee
River Valley High School
RVNP HotShots! (sec1'08)
~~Shuqun Primary School~~
28 July

~ some quotes ~

♥ But I think... I want to live with all my memories. Even if they're bad memories. Even if they're memories that only hurt me... that I'd rather forget. If I keep them and keep trying, without running away, then someday I'll be strong enough that those memories can't defeat me. I believe that because I want to think that there's no such thing as a memory that's ok to forget.

♥ Pain, suffering. It's pointless to just think about those things. The traveler (referring to "The Most Foolish Traveler" by Natsuki Takaya) didn't. That may be stupid to some people but that's not stupid to me. Yuki... Kyo... when you close your eyes, what do you think?

♥ Just as no matter how hard you try to keep it away... despair will attack you again and again. In the same manner hope will return to you. Again and again.

♥ Someday... no matter how cold it is now... the snow will melt. Without fail.

♥ For there to be pain, there has to be kindness. For darkness to stand out, there has to be the sun.

♥ Maybe I'm not perfect. Maybe I have a long way to go. But someday... someday I'll be able to stand and walk on my own. Without hurting anyone... and without being a burden.

♥ We're all born with selfish desires so we can relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is created individually by each person... So it's easy to misunderstand when someone is trying to be kind to you... But, Tohru, people's differences are something to celebrate.

♥ "And if when everything ends, nothing is left in my hands...that's alright."

♥ Mingling with people, hurting them, getting hurt by them. That's how you learn about people and about yourself. If you don't, you'll never care about anyone but yourself.

♥ I want to be the only one... who can help the one I care about.

♥ "I wish I could have lived... In a kind world. Without anxiety. Without fear. Without hurting other people. Without being hurt myself. Only doing the right things. I wish I could have followed... The shortest path... To the kind world I wish for. I wish... I could have lived my life... Without making any wrong turns. But that is impossible. A path like that doesn't exist. We fail. We trip. We get lost. We make mistakes. And little by little, one step at a time... we push forward. It's all we can do. On our own two feet. Even if we get a little banged up. Someday, we'll reach something. We'll reach someone. We pray."

♥ "Crowds used to make me wonder. How many people would notice if I disappeared? I used to mull over that kind of thing constantly... once upon a time. But now... I'm a little different. It's not like that. It doesn't have to be... A lot of people. Even if it's just one person. That's enough. Having one person... is an incredible thing. Because then... It can't be zero. I was happy. I was happy then, too. I was so happy, it tickled. In the midst of all those people... She singled me out... and found me. And it's the same thing now. Having someone other than yourself... thinking of you. Looking... for you. You can't take that for granted. It's a miraculous and blessed thing."

♥ "... please don't cry anymore. I know that happy things... and fun things.. eventually come to an end. But things that are scary and sad... come to an end too. They always do. Even if you can't always believe that... please don't give up. Live. I want you to live. Even if you make a mistake, even if you take the long way, it's still okay... Just please... please live. Don't give up on pushing forward. Please. At least don't give up on that. Even if I'm not... by your side."

♥ Often times in memory, we have the tendency to overly romanticize the people we care about.

♥ Humans may be fragile creatures, but they're not weak to the extent to being crushed by their painful memories even after they meet with something unfortunate. We're far more resilient that that. Everything will be alright.

♥ "Don't worry, Kanade. What a person has actually gone through is unexpectedly different from what he remembers. Even though that gap may leave him feeling sad sometimes... Even the most vivdly clear memory... will change with time eventually."

♥ "Humans are amazing. Even though they may not see something physically... They'll still sense it. Everything else is the same. If you work hard, others will know that you work hard. If you don't work hard, others will know that you don't work hard."

♥ "Someday... You'll find someone who'll know all your good and bad points... And who'll still love you all the same."

♥ If... There was ever a Land of the Blindfolded, will the people of that land... Understand what it's like to have your blindfold come undone? Even if... Most people will never understand us... There might just be... Someone who can do that. It isn't easy to understand people's feelings... But that doesn't mean... That you're alone.

♥ It is not violence that best overcomes hate — nor vengeance that most certainly heals injury.

♥ The real courage is living and suffering for what you believe.

♥ “If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”

♥ Do not pity the dead, Harry, pity the living. Above all pity those who live without love.

♥ 每一段记忆，都有一个密码。只要时间，地点，人物组合正确，无论尘封多久，那人那景都将在遗忘中重新拾起。你也许会说“不是都过去了吗？”其实过去的只是时间，你依然逃不出，想起了就微笑或悲伤的宿命，那种宿命本叫“无能为力”。

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