The void sucks me in.

Sunday, July 29, 2012 3:25 PM

It's all in my mind.

It began last year, I think, when resistance to having my birthday celebrated began.
In the first place, what was there to celebrate? The day that I officially entered the human realm as a participant- what for?
I sincerely saw no purpose behind my relations gathering in a semi-circle about me, singing me a happy birthday song, have me blow out the candles, cut the cake, then leave soon after.
A ritual, with barely any thought behind it. Gone were the days when a childish mind received the smiles and claps with relish. Gone were the days when I eagerly scanned the cake shop for a pretty cake. I grew out of it.
Did I see more, or had I turned skeptic and blind?

It only intensified this year. Obligations. I scorned the idea of celebrating someone's birthday as an obligation. I resisted the idea of people celebrating my birthday as a ritual. Just another cake tasting session. The expected red packets.
I took my birthday off my profile for that reason. I saw no point, even if all "370 friends" wrote on my wall for the occasion. Whatever for? Those who remembered and wished, I'd be grateful. Those who didn't remember didn't have to. The day wasn't a big deal anyway.
I even told SHE-J I didn't want my birthday celebrated for similar reasons. It was a tradition we picked up since year 2, in rain or shine, that we would continue indefinitely for the birthday girl. This time I wished Joanne to put it off for me. Just ignore my birthday. Or else just change it into a must-come lunch gathering for our clique, post-promos.

Why should it be celebrated anyway? Every day extended on Earth felt like a chore. Rather than celebrating my seventeenth year on this beautiful land, this cold society, I was more interested in knowing when the contract terminated.

Therefore I approached 28 July with mixed feelings.
Happiness- the two who held the claim to my day were extremely dear.
Worry- on one side, the satisfaction of the day was going to be at the expense of her never ending pile of homework. On the other side, I feared that it was an obligation, one from some time ago.
And throughout 28 July, I was swinging between these two extremes, trapped mainly in the latter.
Little things, minute things... Things that shouldn't matter yet mattered too much to me. It drew me to settle with the gloomier extreme.
I know Andrew Matthews said that happiness is a choice. But I fall to that spectrum of emotions I rarely have the energy to pull myself out.

I approached the final hours of 28 July feeling exceedingly blessed.
I never deserved so much. From any of you.
At a loss to express any of the emotions overwhelming me, I fall back on thank you to attempt to express an speck of the overflowing gratitude. And sorry, said by the part of me convinced thoroughly that I deserved nothing at all, much less something so grand.

Human beings never enjoy complete happiness in this world. I was not born for a different destiny to the rest of my species: to imagine such a lot befalling me is a fairy tale- a day-dream.

Henceforth the words come out less systematically. I have yet been able to reconcile the many emotions together in a logical and coherent manner, because they are all jumbled up in the depths of me.

To Peh Peh for being by me again, still, and (may fate allow it) for a very long time more to go.
So many times I have felt that you are an extension of my being- the more exuberant, the more unrestrained, the more natural of the two of us. If there was one out of the two of us who should live life to its maximum beauty it would be you. If the choice was with me it would be you. If the choice lies in the style of our character, it'll still be you. So you need to strive- the one with the most light to offer of the two of us is you.
Your company through yesterday particularly was indispensable- I only worry that the costs to your academia was too high.

To Freda and Shou-
I'm not sure how to phrase this in a way that doesn't sound melodramatic, but I mean every word. Do you'll believe me- seeing you two, my squadmates, was like unlocking a dam. Somehow, I'm in my place again- somewhere I belong. Somewhere I don't need to worry that I'll get lost, even if I am that awkward person whose ability to speak and sustain a conversation is diminishing by the moment. Somewhere I know that I'm safe from harsh judgement even if I screw up somehow, somewhere I know I needn't doubt that there are people who bother about me.
I have so much to be grateful for. Shou for your open and accommodating style（谢谢你配合我，也一直在我不知所措的时候帮我解围♥）, Freda for her signature easygoing, carefree and (funnily) antagonistic manner. =P The cake, the presents, and most importantly the simple yet very significant act of simply being there- thank you so much.
.... Ah and Xing Yao is in E class heh. ^^

To my other dearest teenager... I didn't deserve a single bit of all that, you know that don't you? So much thought put into planning! I don't deserve so much, much less from you whom I have already so much to be grateful for.
And I apologise for not being a good sport for much of the day. My bad...

How did you think of inviting them? The unexpectedness of seeing the depth of your planning, combined with the impact of seeing my two squadmates was overwhelming. Happiness, surprise, disbelief, and most of all, gratitude- it was almost too much for my heart to take. Your smiles and liveliness finally spread to me too.

There really is a growing mountain of things I would like to say- neither my style nor the locations facilitated the flow of words unfortunately. Though your Explorer will probably tell my Negotiator to just speak...

The memories, emotions, the heart. Thank you for so much... 28 July this year I think may be the most impactful of the past seventeen years.♥

It was selfish for me to want the evening to continue, to have all five of us together for a longer while at everyone's expense except mine, but thank you so much for humoring me.♥

The thank you sentiment extends.

The birthday messages by my year two clique SHE-J and by Shou struck particularly hard at me. With my own degree of self awareness, I too have realised that I have changed. Their words, really... 说到我心坎里去了。It's one thing to notice the change for it takes long years of friendship and attentiveness to detail to be able to make spot on observations or commentary. It's another thing to identify the cause- though that is something I haven't achieved myself. And on top of all that, to tell me that I've them to fall back on. That, and bearing with the change, actively hoping for me to shine out of that mess, bloom in earnest. I'm sincerely grateful.

And the style of writing is so clearly their own, or written to cater to my preferences that I have to thank them once more for their effort. Shou- the ROD photo, the squad photo during act and the Cameron Highlands one... (Y)(Y)

Thank you Gloria and Jiawen for your respective cards and thoughtful presents! ^^ Hui Li for getting to my house that freakishly early (0.0) to give me the first presents on my birthday proper.
Not forgetting the text messages and wall posts- I don't expect them to see it here, but two of my cousins, my aunt, my dear squadmates Amanda, Kristine, Chloe, Ken, Zhang Ying, Keng Seng (surprise! ^.^), Angela and Junianti.
My ex-classmates, Yi Chuan, Pei Hua, Geraldine; my primary school friends Peiling and Siyao.

I worry that my whole life is not enough to return the favour adequately, to pay back the wonders done for me. Meanwhile, thank you for being in my life.
很庆幸有缘分跟你们走人生的旅途，也十分感激因为有你们的陪伴。♥

Labels: Deep Emotions

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Saturday, July 21, 2012 10:53 PM

It's all in my mind.

I wonder if it can serve as a scene in a book.

The woman raising her voice, her words laced with accusation in every line. Her finger stabs in the air towards the one settled closest to her, her eyes bulging terribly. The man stubborn and unyielding, only his posture suggests otherwise. Sprawled on the ground, his face a blank sheet of paper, lined only by the effects of age and particularly deep ones between his brows from distress.

I wonder if it can serve as a scene in a play.

The parents, at the centre of the stage.

The two daughters standing closer to the audience, in a line- stage left, stage right.

Problem is where the spotlight goes.

The two girls? They stand apart, for the dispute no longer disturbs them as they did before, five, ten years ago. That atmosphere, barely remembered, yet not possible to forget. They stand apart, probably wary of the effects of hope- hoping to bring about reconciliation was almost an abandoned dream, dashed against the rocks over and over again til it attained the quality of a mere shadow. One of them has her earpieces on, the volume of music loud- yet not loud enough to completely drown out the noise.

I wonder if the audience would get amusement or if they would stop to think.

The content of the quarrel- if a quarrel can exist with one person speaking- repeated so many times before that I run out of digits to keep track.

The words! The thought process, the conclusions she came to!

So sickeningly critical. How did she jump into this conclusion about his mindset, his mentality?

So clearly double standard. The selfishness, when she accused him of being selfish.

So pointless. The repetition, twice or thrice over. Does it gratify you to repeat the stand that you don't recognise as flawed?

The greatest tragedy would probably be that, given such a play, they still won't notice that it's a mirror.

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Monday, July 2, 2012 12:56 AM

It's all in my mind.

The previous two posts were my feelings on the first night of ITC- rather, after we chatted into the night, around 3am. For the second day I had my other reflections... The tenor of my thoughts changed, and my mood as well... But these days any feeling of happiness is short lived.

"Don't think too much"- you know me well. Though it probably comes to no surprise therefore that I can't take up your advice. Certainly, I don't expect you to guess exactly what's going through my mind, but you read me well.

Priorities.

The turnout for candlelight night from Hotshots was a grand total of six. I probably allowed myself to be disappointed that we all have varying priorities... Despite the fact that it is only to be expected.

I should have looked at it in another light- satisfaction, perhaps, that there were five other squadmates. I just didn't.

Superlatives.

The previous day Vivian told me that their total strength was now 20. When we stepped down, we left a squad of 26. Vivian said that there were two who had decided to transfer out come year 3. I'm expecting more... More, not necessarily because they dislike NP or see no purpose in it, but that there will be other CCAs out there to tempt them. Novelty or portfolio.

Know that feeling when you really really want to talk to someone, but don't know what to speak of, or how?

I wish I could have had some way to talk to my cadets about it, but the candlelight night setting wasn't one that facilitated addressing a squad. The atmosphere as well... External factors and internal ones. The brief conversation... wasn't adequate.
At some point of time the music and performances ceased to register much in my mind. Lights flashed rhythmically, thoughtlessly... The volume of music sent vibrations through the hall, not registering, right through me. The feeling of looking but not seeing, the feeling of being alone in a hall full of people.

It was pleasant having Sir Qin Hui in our midst, though without Ken or Seow Hwee I fancy conversation would have flowed less and awkwardness enhanced.
Towards the back, I'm reminded just how our memory is fallible.

It manages to scare me that he cannot match many of our names to our faces. Comical, yes- but the feeling left behind-
Perhaps he'd have scored better given a photo, but still. Disappointment comes easy, when you look at it from the perspective of a cadet.
But then two years down the road, will I forget their names too? When I have trouble recalling events, acts, situations of the past myself, I don't have the right to talk, do I?
I don't want to forget, but memories don't consciously fade.

Even if I don't forget, will I be able to connect with them, still?
It may seem effortless for some people, but I am not part of that group.

To have the heart and not the means must be the saddest thing to happen.

Labels: Hotshots♥ /RVNP

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

Sunday, July 1, 2012 9:53 PM

It's all in my mind.

Even the relief from the end of common tests couldn't beat this feeling. It seems almost impossible, like a forgotten yet most exquisite dream... The feeling of all the weights crushing on my soul lifted, every gloomy thought distracted away. Of belonging, truly belonging to where I am.
I'm home. My soul has come home.
The lid on my style, thoughts and behaviour less existent than it usually is. I truly enjoy being there... I truly enjoy being with the people there. My squadmates. Ex-ncos, if we happen to talk. Current ncos, even if it happens to be those few more disposed to be friendly. Watching the cadets... The familiar faces.
Like a puzzle piece that has been returned to the picture, fitting snugly into the space it was meant to be, and always meant to be in.
How rare is the feeling of worthiness, of being actually woven into the fabric of people's lives with a permanent, glowing thread.
I told Seow Hwee that any more open, it'd be with my sister le. I mean it... While I feel Peh Peh an extension of my own being, largely the speaker-piece of the pair of us... My squadmates are linked with strings to my heart. Our styles so largely different, our opinions quite varied... Yet, how dear squadmates are.
Really, like the package deal I was speaking of- I don't feel them as individuals, but my squadmates. More than classmates- my squadmates.
What created this bond, really? It is so precious and impossible to replicate. And so dear... So dear.
Perhaps on my own I wouldn't be able to create this atmosphere with a single squadmate. My awkwardness in conversation makes me highly inadequate to begin one. But perhaps this is exactly the difference between normal friends and squadmates- because with friends you are interacting one on one, while with squadmates you are all part of a single entity. Something beautiful links us together, each of us making up for, compromising with or complementing the other's styles.
Topics that I wouldn't think of bringing up, but realise that I'm happy being a part of, and understanding too. Topics that I would not be able to sustain or give voice to, sustained by squadmates- to listen is pleasurable. Things that I'd largely forgotten... Reminded by squadmates.
How could people ever view the process that created such an amazing bond as one to be dreaded? How could people on the outside understand the awesome feeling of being a part of Hotshots? How could those who never attempted to try or didn't get the opportunity to try understand all this? The tears and fatigue, the resentment and the complains... The things sacrificed to create this, the measures taken to achieve this... Must be justified. The price wasn't too high.

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Labels: Deep Emotions, Hotshots♥ /RVNP

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

9:52 PM

It's all in my mind.

Precisely that style, that gallantry that I miss in my squadmate, in my squadmates. That feeling, that feeling of belonging...
It's as if I've come home.
I'm home.
... Lying on the field, the seven of us. Roaming the classrooms, listening to songs, singing to Tonight... Chatting in the half lit hall, talking our hearts out! Barely anything beats it.
I'm home. Though I'm probably the one who opens up the least, constraintst herself the most... That serious yet lighthearted, that heartfelt conversation, reminisces... I'm home. I'm home.
Never for so long have I felt that my heart has returned to where it has always belonged.

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Labels: Deep Emotions, Hotshots♥ /RVNP

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

~ Profile ~

Tan Jing Yee
River Valley High School
RVNP HotShots! (sec1'08)
~~Shuqun Primary School~~
28 July

~ some quotes ~

♥ But I think... I want to live with all my memories. Even if they're bad memories. Even if they're memories that only hurt me... that I'd rather forget. If I keep them and keep trying, without running away, then someday I'll be strong enough that those memories can't defeat me. I believe that because I want to think that there's no such thing as a memory that's ok to forget.

♥ Pain, suffering. It's pointless to just think about those things. The traveler (referring to "The Most Foolish Traveler" by Natsuki Takaya) didn't. That may be stupid to some people but that's not stupid to me. Yuki... Kyo... when you close your eyes, what do you think?

♥ Just as no matter how hard you try to keep it away... despair will attack you again and again. In the same manner hope will return to you. Again and again.

♥ Someday... no matter how cold it is now... the snow will melt. Without fail.

♥ For there to be pain, there has to be kindness. For darkness to stand out, there has to be the sun.

♥ Maybe I'm not perfect. Maybe I have a long way to go. But someday... someday I'll be able to stand and walk on my own. Without hurting anyone... and without being a burden.

♥ We're all born with selfish desires so we can relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is created individually by each person... So it's easy to misunderstand when someone is trying to be kind to you... But, Tohru, people's differences are something to celebrate.

♥ "And if when everything ends, nothing is left in my hands...that's alright."

♥ Mingling with people, hurting them, getting hurt by them. That's how you learn about people and about yourself. If you don't, you'll never care about anyone but yourself.

♥ I want to be the only one... who can help the one I care about.

♥ "I wish I could have lived... In a kind world. Without anxiety. Without fear. Without hurting other people. Without being hurt myself. Only doing the right things. I wish I could have followed... The shortest path... To the kind world I wish for. I wish... I could have lived my life... Without making any wrong turns. But that is impossible. A path like that doesn't exist. We fail. We trip. We get lost. We make mistakes. And little by little, one step at a time... we push forward. It's all we can do. On our own two feet. Even if we get a little banged up. Someday, we'll reach something. We'll reach someone. We pray."

♥ "Crowds used to make me wonder. How many people would notice if I disappeared? I used to mull over that kind of thing constantly... once upon a time. But now... I'm a little different. It's not like that. It doesn't have to be... A lot of people. Even if it's just one person. That's enough. Having one person... is an incredible thing. Because then... It can't be zero. I was happy. I was happy then, too. I was so happy, it tickled. In the midst of all those people... She singled me out... and found me. And it's the same thing now. Having someone other than yourself... thinking of you. Looking... for you. You can't take that for granted. It's a miraculous and blessed thing."

♥ "... please don't cry anymore. I know that happy things... and fun things.. eventually come to an end. But things that are scary and sad... come to an end too. They always do. Even if you can't always believe that... please don't give up. Live. I want you to live. Even if you make a mistake, even if you take the long way, it's still okay... Just please... please live. Don't give up on pushing forward. Please. At least don't give up on that. Even if I'm not... by your side."

♥ Often times in memory, we have the tendency to overly romanticize the people we care about.

♥ Humans may be fragile creatures, but they're not weak to the extent to being crushed by their painful memories even after they meet with something unfortunate. We're far more resilient that that. Everything will be alright.

♥ "Don't worry, Kanade. What a person has actually gone through is unexpectedly different from what he remembers. Even though that gap may leave him feeling sad sometimes... Even the most vivdly clear memory... will change with time eventually."

♥ "Humans are amazing. Even though they may not see something physically... They'll still sense it. Everything else is the same. If you work hard, others will know that you work hard. If you don't work hard, others will know that you don't work hard."

♥ "Someday... You'll find someone who'll know all your good and bad points... And who'll still love you all the same."

♥ If... There was ever a Land of the Blindfolded, will the people of that land... Understand what it's like to have your blindfold come undone? Even if... Most people will never understand us... There might just be... Someone who can do that. It isn't easy to understand people's feelings... But that doesn't mean... That you're alone.

♥ It is not violence that best overcomes hate — nor vengeance that most certainly heals injury.

♥ The real courage is living and suffering for what you believe.

♥ “If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”

♥ Do not pity the dead, Harry, pity the living. Above all pity those who live without love.

♥ 每一段记忆，都有一个密码。只要时间，地点，人物组合正确，无论尘封多久，那人那景都将在遗忘中重新拾起。你也许会说“不是都过去了吗？”其实过去的只是时间，你依然逃不出，想起了就微笑或悲伤的宿命，那种宿命本叫“无能为力”。

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