The void sucks me in.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011 5:59 PM

It's all in my mind.

Sometimes, the situation does not allow for you to learn from your mistakes.

You live with the knowledge and regret for the rest of your life.

To all who may walk the path I did... Make sure you don't do what you will be regretful about when your time comes. I know now that impulse is no excuse, emotions are no redemption... You live with it, and even if no one haunts you about it, you will haunt yourself.

Had pepper lunch with Madeleine and Shou Fong today, and we talked.

A lot of things thrown into the conversation, a lot of points to ponder.

The past, the present, the future.

Different emotions, different thoughts, different worries. Differing levels.

But there are things in common, some things that even now, we still look back on.

I can't say that my memory serves.

Apparently, theirs do time justice.

Still, those emotions that I felt before come back. Because those episodes did happen.

So what if it wasn't in my conscious mind? I felt it, and if it happened one more time, I'd feel the same way.

Brief smiles. Indignant hearts.

Impressions that refuse to fade,

Regretful minds that time did not solace.

According to what we talked about, and if past is anything to learn from,

we are heading towards another step that may tarnish our memories.

Because not every one thinks the same, not every one will be happy.

But even if I say that, that time... it was not good enough, my dear--. It was not good enough at all. Make that mistake once again later, you will really add a big blot our memory. Try your best this time- seriously put some thought into it for a change.

Our issues are the same, but different.

Our impressions change over time, but some still stay in us, returning when the past is repeated.

We have moved on, but we are also in that time.

I recall with cold skepticism of a journal entry I did long time back. 2009.

I look at it again... I shake my head for not being able to have written a deeper evaluation, and more evaluations.

So now that I look back at it, I can evaluate how much those impressions have changed. Or not changed. Ugh.

After all, this is the only context where we can chart our change through the many years. I didn't make a good enough use of that.

Oh, and the million dollar question: had she not left, where would she be in that --? What would her place be?

How different would the outcome be, how different would our feelings be?

For sometimes, it does not matter the end point, but the people involved... Their feelings, memories and emotions are those that count.

In the end, it is that which give colour to our memory.

Okay, the following are snippets of thoughts from yesterday. Wasn't able to go online yesterday, so yeah. Leave two lines: different issues.

I'd fully deserve being called pigheaded or stubborn. But no. All the offers made... No. Don't ask me to reason, for I can't find a proper word for it.

Just... my entire personality cries out "No".

My issue, I make up for it myself. No shortcuts.

But I appreciate it all, squadmates.

Thank you.

What a way to do things. I'm a coward, truly. But if it's to prevent my mind from going where it shouldn't... ^^

For your face is a blank sheet of paper.

This is the first time I realise myself in danger of losing NCO image.

I was overboard today, I realise. And I am very horrified to realise that. I feel guilty for noticing the reason only after it all.

Shit. Damn myself.

Okay, I shall find excuses for myself. That this is what is required when I am teaching CD. Engaging the cadets, making it more interesting.

But still, it does not give me the excuse to be so out of character, so informal, so... I dunno, high? It was out of place, overboard. As IC, it's even worse.

Even worse when I realise that I am glad seeing them smile.

Sounds twisted? I feel worse- because of all it implies on me, and taking them.

I must not repeat this.

Obviously it was a bad idea telling them then, I have to apologise.

The sec1s concept of ROD is only that OMG, have to give presents to all 32 NCOs??

My fault again, partially, since I did not forcefully reign in the expression on my face.

I wonder if they will feel anything at the end...

If I will feel anything at the end.

Will they be happy we are gone? Will they like the next batch more? Will the memories of us fade away?

... I can answer that.

Yes, they will still be able to smile when we are gone.

Yes, they will probably build a more lasting memory/relationship with their next batch of NCOs.

Yes, their memories will fade with time, there is no helping it.

I grimace thinking of that, but no matter.

I will never cry over the sec1s again. ITC was enough. There. Would. Be. No. Need. To.

Hopefully by ROD, we look back and say that's the best we could do,

we are leaving them in good hands.

That's all we can do, in the end.

That's all there is.

Labels: Deep Emotions, Hotshots♥ /RVNP, Vague Ponderings

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

~ Profile ~

Tan Jing Yee
River Valley High School
RVNP HotShots! (sec1'08)
~~Shuqun Primary School~~
28 July

~ some quotes ~

♥ But I think... I want to live with all my memories. Even if they're bad memories. Even if they're memories that only hurt me... that I'd rather forget. If I keep them and keep trying, without running away, then someday I'll be strong enough that those memories can't defeat me. I believe that because I want to think that there's no such thing as a memory that's ok to forget.

♥ Pain, suffering. It's pointless to just think about those things. The traveler (referring to "The Most Foolish Traveler" by Natsuki Takaya) didn't. That may be stupid to some people but that's not stupid to me. Yuki... Kyo... when you close your eyes, what do you think?

♥ Just as no matter how hard you try to keep it away... despair will attack you again and again. In the same manner hope will return to you. Again and again.

♥ Someday... no matter how cold it is now... the snow will melt. Without fail.

♥ For there to be pain, there has to be kindness. For darkness to stand out, there has to be the sun.

♥ Maybe I'm not perfect. Maybe I have a long way to go. But someday... someday I'll be able to stand and walk on my own. Without hurting anyone... and without being a burden.

♥ We're all born with selfish desires so we can relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is created individually by each person... So it's easy to misunderstand when someone is trying to be kind to you... But, Tohru, people's differences are something to celebrate.

♥ "And if when everything ends, nothing is left in my hands...that's alright."

♥ Mingling with people, hurting them, getting hurt by them. That's how you learn about people and about yourself. If you don't, you'll never care about anyone but yourself.

♥ I want to be the only one... who can help the one I care about.

♥ "I wish I could have lived... In a kind world. Without anxiety. Without fear. Without hurting other people. Without being hurt myself. Only doing the right things. I wish I could have followed... The shortest path... To the kind world I wish for. I wish... I could have lived my life... Without making any wrong turns. But that is impossible. A path like that doesn't exist. We fail. We trip. We get lost. We make mistakes. And little by little, one step at a time... we push forward. It's all we can do. On our own two feet. Even if we get a little banged up. Someday, we'll reach something. We'll reach someone. We pray."

♥ "Crowds used to make me wonder. How many people would notice if I disappeared? I used to mull over that kind of thing constantly... once upon a time. But now... I'm a little different. It's not like that. It doesn't have to be... A lot of people. Even if it's just one person. That's enough. Having one person... is an incredible thing. Because then... It can't be zero. I was happy. I was happy then, too. I was so happy, it tickled. In the midst of all those people... She singled me out... and found me. And it's the same thing now. Having someone other than yourself... thinking of you. Looking... for you. You can't take that for granted. It's a miraculous and blessed thing."

♥ "... please don't cry anymore. I know that happy things... and fun things.. eventually come to an end. But things that are scary and sad... come to an end too. They always do. Even if you can't always believe that... please don't give up. Live. I want you to live. Even if you make a mistake, even if you take the long way, it's still okay... Just please... please live. Don't give up on pushing forward. Please. At least don't give up on that. Even if I'm not... by your side."

♥ Often times in memory, we have the tendency to overly romanticize the people we care about.

♥ Humans may be fragile creatures, but they're not weak to the extent to being crushed by their painful memories even after they meet with something unfortunate. We're far more resilient that that. Everything will be alright.

♥ "Don't worry, Kanade. What a person has actually gone through is unexpectedly different from what he remembers. Even though that gap may leave him feeling sad sometimes... Even the most vivdly clear memory... will change with time eventually."

♥ "Humans are amazing. Even though they may not see something physically... They'll still sense it. Everything else is the same. If you work hard, others will know that you work hard. If you don't work hard, others will know that you don't work hard."

♥ "Someday... You'll find someone who'll know all your good and bad points... And who'll still love you all the same."

♥ If... There was ever a Land of the Blindfolded, will the people of that land... Understand what it's like to have your blindfold come undone? Even if... Most people will never understand us... There might just be... Someone who can do that. It isn't easy to understand people's feelings... But that doesn't mean... That you're alone.

♥ It is not violence that best overcomes hate — nor vengeance that most certainly heals injury.

♥ The real courage is living and suffering for what you believe.

♥ “If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”

♥ Do not pity the dead, Harry, pity the living. Above all pity those who live without love.

♥ 每一段记忆，都有一个密码。只要时间，地点，人物组合正确，无论尘封多久，那人那景都将在遗忘中重新拾起。你也许会说“不是都过去了吗？”其实过去的只是时间，你依然逃不出，想起了就微笑或悲伤的宿命，那种宿命本叫“无能为力”。

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