The void sucks me in.

Saturday, September 1, 2012 4:01 AM

It's all in my mind.

Was reminded that there was an incomplete draft regarding ROD that I never did try to fix. Here goes.

When some of my non-UG friends ask me what ROD is, I gave exactly what the acronym stood for. Retirement of Duty.
Now that I think about it, it was a poor answer on my part.
ROD. I gave its definition.
But the connotations. It's the connotations that make those three letters gain immense emotional significance, linked only by a thread to Retirement of Duties.
How does one relate to a non-UG member the bittersweet sensation as that function marks your last day in the unit that groomed you so, the last day indulging in the full uninterrupted right of being with the people who have now become so important a role in your life, the last day whereby you necessarily hand over the roles and what you hold so dear to the next batch as their rightful legacy?

ROD.

Not mine. Yet the idea of not attending never occurred to me. When Ken'd asked us to go on 24 August, it was second nature to say yes. It didn't occur to me to wonder why I should turn up.

During the length of the reception, I realised that those three letters probably had a different meaning for me compared to some of my other squadmates.
It seemed to be, firstly, to be with the rest of us squadmates and secondly, the entertainment.

Yes, the dances were always worth watching- the incoming and outgoing NCOs especially.

Yes, I was to be with my squadmates- that's the most important point.

One batch of totally new faces, two squads of RVNP whom it would stain my conscience to say I knew all their names to... And not particularly close to any of the CIs who were stepping down.

But we were watching a batch try to rise to the occasion. We were also watching one batch approach the end of their RVNP journey together. We were watching them coming together, more than they probably managed during the majority of their NCOship... To walk into the future together where NP wouldn't tie them together anymore.
Taking the first steps to the future that we ourselves are in the midst of.

It definitely meant more for Amanda, Pei Hao and Yang Sheng- it was their squad stepping down.
(Bubbletea squad is actually quite fortunate, having all three batches of ICs return for their ROD.)
It definitely meant more for the ICs of Maomao squad, since they were becoming NCOs. They were stepping up, taking over the unit, and this would be one of their first major entries in the "Things done" list.

For all ICs, I fancy it's another one of the things that completed their IC experience.
When they were cadets, groom them.
When they step up, wish them the best and tell them things to avoid doing wrongly.
When they step down, acknowledge their growth and welcome them into your midst as equals once more.

But for me? The Ninja squad was still playing the role of spectators.

Fast forward to after the darkness of the evening descended.
Interaction time left the location of the ROD reception the emptiest since 5.30 earlier that day.
Only then did I feel the emptiness seep into myself as well.

I'm sure you'd have felt it before.
Wanting to talk to your cadets, but knowing that it's no longer your place.
Especially not on ROD- it was the right of their current ICs, and you had to respect that.
Wanting to talk to your cadets, but unsure that speech would come off roundly. Things you want to say all jumbled in your mind- all while worrying that they aren't interested anymore, or that you'd falter and lose the thread of your thoughts as their expectant eyes turned on you.

It touched me that at the end of it all, after the heart-wrench they must all have felt after the last debrief by their sec 2 ICs, some of my cadets still came up to offer to talk- what I had expressed I hoped for earlier as I left their table for the start of the function.
The hope I expressed but anticipated was impossible.

I didn't take it up.
I could tell them affected by the finality of ROD. Yes, they were Sec 2s already and would definitely feel it-
that day both a loss and a progress in their NP life.
If I addressed them myself, I would only dilute the impact their ICs made on them that night.
"It's okay- go back and rest early. Leave today for your current ICs. I'll talk to you all some other time."

One of them asked if I'll come back for their ROD.
I said that if we survive this year, yeah I'll be. For sure.
To look upon their heartened expressions was a gift beyond my expectations.

It was too late to think this, but I understood now, why it was so tempting for ICs to return as officers.

I would have wanted to be in a realm, a situation, a position, to be able to address them at my own will.

I would have wanted to watch them grow as the process it was, instead of looking at random acts and ROD.

I would have wanted to be privy to the whole situation, all the going-ons; and be in a place where I could try and help.

I wouldn't have wanted to let go of my cadets during ROD.

I wouldn't have wanted my RVNP journey to end during ROD.

CIs, is this why you went through CIBTC?

It was a loss on my squad's part, something I only keenly felt when I watched ROD.

And the more I thought about it, the more it scared me.

What were we thinking, to have no one go? Now that the three CIs ROD-ed and approached As, both the incoming NCOs and new CIs would be with limited guidance.

Our squad was exceedingly fortunate, to have CIs to watch over us from s3'08 and Bangbangsquad.

Now the situation is reversed.

This NCO squad has less time to fumble around for their bearings than any of us.

'why didn't you come back as an officer since you miss NP so much?'

...

I was one of them, you know.

The people who were reluctant to enter RVNP. (it didn't make any of my six choices)

The people who grew to love RVNP after being forced to stay and experience it in its entirety.

This is going to sound ironic since I was squad IC, of the sec 1 squad no less.

As a cadet, I disliked PT. I didn't exactly like drill. I only dealt okay with CC and CD lessons.

The "I love NP" during bersurai wasn't a lie though. I stayed for the people. My squadmates. My ICs, my CIs. PT, drill, CC and CD were the inevitable part that I had to learn to deal with.

After stepping up, it was still because of the people I had around me in NP which motivated me, completed me, made me whole. My squadmates, my fellow ICs, my Sec 1 squad.

Do you see now?

My squadmates were the constant definition of what NP was to me, and we had vacated the home we created in RVNP with ROD.

My cadets would stay, but they were under their new ICs. And as Sir Raymeo said before under different circumstances- the role of CIs was to be officers of the unit, not squad IC.

The meaning of NP for me lay in the people. The concept of returning to RVNP without my squadmates and when the bond had to change... Felt like asking me to return to an empty structure.

The next point: my hard and soft skills. Rather, the lack thereof.

It only jumped out at me during the Staff promo debrief held by our CIs that I had gotten away thus far with my inadequacies through pure fortune.

The pre-requisites to being a good officer I saw clearly for the first time. Decisiveness. Knowledge. The keen eye of judgement for details, aspects that NCOs missed out on, and how to correct that. Confidence in the fact that what you're imparting is correct. Being always correct (or exuding that aura) doesn't hurt either.

As a squad IC we had the benefit of company as we taught and decided for the cadets. Complemented by Junianti, Kristine and Xing Yao, it didn't blatantly stand out. As a CI, it couldn't be missed.

Staff Ongmin said that being good cadets don't necessarily become good NCOs. That we could be poor cadets but good NCOs. We could say the same thing about ICs right? Even if you were a good IC, it didn't necessarily make you CI material.

Yes, I missed NP, and will continue to. The sense of homecoming when I return to the familiar environment of RVNP won't fade in the foreseeable future.

But there was no appeal in returning alone. People with whom I went through the RVNP experience was what made NP something so dear, not its static components

And for the Ninja squad... I just wanted to stay as their IC. That role in their memories... had to suffice.

Labels: Hotshots♥ /RVNP

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

~ Profile ~

Tan Jing Yee
River Valley High School
RVNP HotShots! (sec1'08)
~~Shuqun Primary School~~
28 July

~ some quotes ~

♥ But I think... I want to live with all my memories. Even if they're bad memories. Even if they're memories that only hurt me... that I'd rather forget. If I keep them and keep trying, without running away, then someday I'll be strong enough that those memories can't defeat me. I believe that because I want to think that there's no such thing as a memory that's ok to forget.

♥ Pain, suffering. It's pointless to just think about those things. The traveler (referring to "The Most Foolish Traveler" by Natsuki Takaya) didn't. That may be stupid to some people but that's not stupid to me. Yuki... Kyo... when you close your eyes, what do you think?

♥ Just as no matter how hard you try to keep it away... despair will attack you again and again. In the same manner hope will return to you. Again and again.

♥ Someday... no matter how cold it is now... the snow will melt. Without fail.

♥ For there to be pain, there has to be kindness. For darkness to stand out, there has to be the sun.

♥ Maybe I'm not perfect. Maybe I have a long way to go. But someday... someday I'll be able to stand and walk on my own. Without hurting anyone... and without being a burden.

♥ We're all born with selfish desires so we can relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is created individually by each person... So it's easy to misunderstand when someone is trying to be kind to you... But, Tohru, people's differences are something to celebrate.

♥ "And if when everything ends, nothing is left in my hands...that's alright."

♥ Mingling with people, hurting them, getting hurt by them. That's how you learn about people and about yourself. If you don't, you'll never care about anyone but yourself.

♥ I want to be the only one... who can help the one I care about.

♥ "I wish I could have lived... In a kind world. Without anxiety. Without fear. Without hurting other people. Without being hurt myself. Only doing the right things. I wish I could have followed... The shortest path... To the kind world I wish for. I wish... I could have lived my life... Without making any wrong turns. But that is impossible. A path like that doesn't exist. We fail. We trip. We get lost. We make mistakes. And little by little, one step at a time... we push forward. It's all we can do. On our own two feet. Even if we get a little banged up. Someday, we'll reach something. We'll reach someone. We pray."

♥ "Crowds used to make me wonder. How many people would notice if I disappeared? I used to mull over that kind of thing constantly... once upon a time. But now... I'm a little different. It's not like that. It doesn't have to be... A lot of people. Even if it's just one person. That's enough. Having one person... is an incredible thing. Because then... It can't be zero. I was happy. I was happy then, too. I was so happy, it tickled. In the midst of all those people... She singled me out... and found me. And it's the same thing now. Having someone other than yourself... thinking of you. Looking... for you. You can't take that for granted. It's a miraculous and blessed thing."

♥ "... please don't cry anymore. I know that happy things... and fun things.. eventually come to an end. But things that are scary and sad... come to an end too. They always do. Even if you can't always believe that... please don't give up. Live. I want you to live. Even if you make a mistake, even if you take the long way, it's still okay... Just please... please live. Don't give up on pushing forward. Please. At least don't give up on that. Even if I'm not... by your side."

♥ Often times in memory, we have the tendency to overly romanticize the people we care about.

♥ Humans may be fragile creatures, but they're not weak to the extent to being crushed by their painful memories even after they meet with something unfortunate. We're far more resilient that that. Everything will be alright.

♥ "Don't worry, Kanade. What a person has actually gone through is unexpectedly different from what he remembers. Even though that gap may leave him feeling sad sometimes... Even the most vivdly clear memory... will change with time eventually."

♥ "Humans are amazing. Even though they may not see something physically... They'll still sense it. Everything else is the same. If you work hard, others will know that you work hard. If you don't work hard, others will know that you don't work hard."

♥ "Someday... You'll find someone who'll know all your good and bad points... And who'll still love you all the same."

♥ If... There was ever a Land of the Blindfolded, will the people of that land... Understand what it's like to have your blindfold come undone? Even if... Most people will never understand us... There might just be... Someone who can do that. It isn't easy to understand people's feelings... But that doesn't mean... That you're alone.

♥ It is not violence that best overcomes hate — nor vengeance that most certainly heals injury.

♥ The real courage is living and suffering for what you believe.

♥ “If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”

♥ Do not pity the dead, Harry, pity the living. Above all pity those who live without love.

♥ 每一段记忆，都有一个密码。只要时间，地点，人物组合正确，无论尘封多久，那人那景都将在遗忘中重新拾起。你也许会说“不是都过去了吗？”其实过去的只是时间，你依然逃不出，想起了就微笑或悲伤的宿命，那种宿命本叫“无能为力”。

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