Friday, July 15, 2011 10:14 PM
It's all in my mind.
痴情?可能吧。
当时你在大家面前问我的时后,我真的不晓得怎么回答。怎么说呢……我们两是有曾经谈过类似话题的人,所以如果回答得差不多,你会了解的。(至少,我是这么认为的)但是大家……不可能为了听我那一小段答案而听我讲完这一切的。连你都不曾听完它。更糟的是,我自己也说不上是否还对他门有好感,或者为哪一个男生有好感。我是在说服我自己……这点,你懂吗?别人懂吗?
而且,让太多人了解我心里的事让我害怕。当我是唯一一个“懂”我自己是,我的心由我掌控。当别人也进得来……我怕他们会让我慢慢地…相信、希望错的东西。 ^^
You smile, but I don't trust myself to smile back. Please don't think me cold, because this is also my reaction when I am at a loss of what to do.
After receiving so much concern on your part, can I still smile, considering that I never deserved it in the first place?
Yet can I not smile? Your parting sentence, after all, and because you were warm to start off with.
When I look at their enthusiastic faces, their hoarse yet enthusiastic voices, and their continual "Staff Staff Staff!" to me and Junianti, I am pulled in two directions.
One- envy. Because I know that it was not me who made them high this act; I am merely reaping and benefiting from their overflowing mood. I don't dare to say that I could have achieved that- their ecstatic mood, them going all out.
The other- happiness. Because they really are high- that and their smiles really reached me.
I have once said this to someone before.
That there is one point that we reach, and when we reach that state, there is hardly any turning point: at some stage, the primary point is seeing them enjoy their NP life, having them happy alongside their squadmates, having them smile and respond enthusiastically during debrief, seeing them look bu4 she3 de2 when ROD approaches.
I feel that again. Still. And now closer to ROD, I feel it more.
Since last act, I have realised that I will miss them.
Watching them smile like that, I have the feeling that I would have just given them whatever they wanted to just continue seeing them smile.
Even if... those who were so high to follow/bug us up to NP room was only... 4++ of them?
Yes. It is that bad.
I'm just hoping that I won't cry for them during ROD. That I see their smiles, even at the very end.
Oh shit. I didn't bank on this when I became IC. Much less when I saw the sec1s standard.
Shit....
This actually made me remember why I wanted to be sec3 IC though I didn't like the sec3 squad. I felt that even if I grew to care about them, we could see them when they were NCOs, in the NP room or whatever.
Sec2 squad ICs... supposed to have the greatest impact on their squad right? I remembered how Sergeant Simin looked when she marched off during the parade rehearsal- I didn't dare to go through that. And how our other ICs kept returning, even when they were no longer NCO squad. I didn't dare to feel that attachment.
Sec1 ICs... I feel that the fate would be that you remember least of them, even if you can remember that they were caring, strict or funny. The impression is there, but the memory fades. I reckon that if Sir didn't come back, it would become a distant (though happy) memory. And I didn't want that either.
But now...
Oh well, I just have to live, don't I? I have to take both the plus and the minus in stride. To be happy to see their ecstatic smiles, to miss them when we cease to take them... To be, one day, a memory. I have to take both in stride.
Labels: Deep Emotions, Hotshots♥ /RVNP