Friday, July 15, 2011 10:14 PM

It's all in my mind.

痴情?可能吧。
当时你在大家面前问我的时后,我真的不晓得怎么回答。怎么说呢……我们两是有曾经谈过类似话题的人,所以如果回答得差不多,你会了解的。(至少,我是这么认为的)但是大家……不可能为了听我那一小段答案而听我讲完这一切的。连你都不曾听完它。更糟的是,我自己也说不上是否还对他门有好感,或者为哪一个男生有好感。我是在说服我自己……这点,你懂吗?别人懂吗?
而且,让太多人了解我心里的事让我害怕。当我是唯一一个“懂”我自己是,我的心由我掌控。当别人也进得来……我怕他们会让我慢慢地…相信、希望错的东西。 ^^


You smile, but I don't trust myself to smile back. Please don't think me cold, because this is also my reaction when I am at a loss of what to do.
After receiving so much concern on your part, can I still smile, considering that I never deserved it in the first place?
Yet can I not smile? Your parting sentence, after all, and because you were warm to start off with.


When I look at their enthusiastic faces, their hoarse yet enthusiastic voices, and their continual "Staff Staff Staff!" to me and Junianti, I am pulled in two directions.

One- envy. Because I know that it was not me who made them high this act; I am merely reaping and benefiting from their overflowing mood. I don't dare to say that I could have achieved that- their ecstatic mood, them going all out.
The other- happiness. Because they really are high- that and their smiles really reached me.

I have once said this to someone before.
That there is one point that we reach, and when we reach that state, there is hardly any turning point: at some stage, the primary point is seeing them enjoy their NP life, having them happy alongside their squadmates, having them smile and respond enthusiastically during debrief, seeing them look bu4 she3 de2 when ROD approaches.
I feel that again. Still. And now closer to ROD, I feel it more.

Since last act, I have realised that I will miss them.
Watching them smile like that, I have the feeling that I would have just given them whatever they wanted to just continue seeing them smile.
Even if... those who were so high to follow/bug us up to NP room was only... 4++ of them?

Yes. It is that bad.
I'm just hoping that I won't cry for them during ROD. That I see their smiles, even at the very end.
Oh shit. I didn't bank on this when I became IC. Much less when I saw the sec1s standard.
Shit....

This actually made me remember why I wanted to be sec3 IC though I didn't like the sec3 squad. I felt that even if I grew to care about them, we could see them when they were NCOs, in the NP room or whatever.

Sec2 squad ICs... supposed to have the greatest impact on their squad right? I remembered how Sergeant Simin looked when she marched off during the parade rehearsal- I didn't dare to go through that. And how our other ICs kept returning, even when they were no longer NCO squad. I didn't dare to feel that attachment.

Sec1 ICs... I feel that the fate would be that you remember least of them, even if you can remember that they were caring, strict or funny. The impression is there, but the memory fades. I reckon that if Sir didn't come back, it would become a distant (though happy) memory. And I didn't want that either.

But now...

Oh well, I just have to live, don't I? I have to take both the plus and the minus in stride. To be happy to see their ecstatic smiles, to miss them when we cease to take them... To be, one day, a memory. I have to take both in stride.

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May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.





~ Profile ~

Tan Jing Yee
River Valley High School
RVNP HotShots! (sec1'08)
Shuqun Primary School
28 July



~ some quotes ~

♥ But I think... I want to live with all my memories. Even if they're bad memories. Even if they're memories that only hurt me... that I'd rather forget. If I keep them and keep trying, without running away, then someday I'll be strong enough that those memories can't defeat me. I believe that because I want to think that there's no such thing as a memory that's ok to forget.

♥ Pain, suffering. It's pointless to just think about those things. The traveler (referring to "The Most Foolish Traveler" by Natsuki Takaya) didn't. That may be stupid to some people but that's not stupid to me. Yuki... Kyo... when you close your eyes, what do you think?

♥ Just as no matter how hard you try to keep it away... despair will attack you again and again. In the same manner hope will return to you. Again and again.

♥ Someday... no matter how cold it is now... the snow will melt. Without fail.

♥ For there to be pain, there has to be kindness. For darkness to stand out, there has to be the sun.

♥ Maybe I'm not perfect. Maybe I have a long way to go. But someday... someday I'll be able to stand and walk on my own. Without hurting anyone... and without being a burden.

♥ We're all born with selfish desires so we can relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is created individually by each person... So it's easy to misunderstand when someone is trying to be kind to you... But, Tohru, people's differences are something to celebrate.

♥ "And if when everything ends, nothing is left in my hands...that's alright."

♥ Mingling with people, hurting them, getting hurt by them. That's how you learn about people and about yourself. If you don't, you'll never care about anyone but yourself.

♥ I want to be the only one... who can help the one I care about.

♥ "I wish I could have lived... In a kind world. Without anxiety. Without fear. Without hurting other people. Without being hurt myself. Only doing the right things. I wish I could have followed... The shortest path... To the kind world I wish for. I wish... I could have lived my life... Without making any wrong turns. But that is impossible. A path like that doesn't exist. We fail. We trip. We get lost. We make mistakes. And little by little, one step at a time... we push forward. It's all we can do. On our own two feet. Even if we get a little banged up. Someday, we'll reach something. We'll reach someone. We pray."

♥ "Crowds used to make me wonder. How many people would notice if I disappeared? I used to mull over that kind of thing constantly... once upon a time. But now... I'm a little different. It's not like that. It doesn't have to be... A lot of people. Even if it's just one person. That's enough. Having one person... is an incredible thing. Because then... It can't be zero. I was happy. I was happy then, too. I was so happy, it tickled. In the midst of all those people... She singled me out... and found me. And it's the same thing now. Having someone other than yourself... thinking of you. Looking... for you. You can't take that for granted. It's a miraculous and blessed thing."

♥ "... please don't cry anymore. I know that happy things... and fun things.. eventually come to an end. But things that are scary and sad... come to an end too. They always do. Even if you can't always believe that... please don't give up. Live. I want you to live. Even if you make a mistake, even if you take the long way, it's still okay... Just please... please live. Don't give up on pushing forward. Please. At least don't give up on that. Even if I'm not... by your side."

♥ Often times in memory, we have the tendency to overly romanticize the people we care about.

♥ Humans may be fragile creatures, but they're not weak to the extent to being crushed by their painful memories even after they meet with something unfortunate. We're far more resilient that that. Everything will be alright.

♥ "Don't worry, Kanade. What a person has actually gone through is unexpectedly different from what he remembers. Even though that gap may leave him feeling sad sometimes... Even the most vivdly clear memory... will change with time eventually."

♥ "Humans are amazing. Even though they may not see something physically... They'll still sense it. Everything else is the same. If you work hard, others will know that you work hard. If you don't work hard, others will know that you don't work hard."

♥ "Someday... You'll find someone who'll know all your good and bad points... And who'll still love you all the same."

♥ If... There was ever a Land of the Blindfolded, will the people of that land... Understand what it's like to have your blindfold come undone? Even if... Most people will never understand us... There might just be... Someone who can do that. It isn't easy to understand people's feelings... But that doesn't mean... That you're alone.

♥ It is not violence that best overcomes hate — nor vengeance that most certainly heals injury.

♥ The real courage is living and suffering for what you believe.

♥ “If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”

♥ Do not pity the dead, Harry, pity the living. Above all pity those who live without love.

♥ 每一段记忆,都有一个密码。只要时间,地点,人物组合正确,无论尘封多久,那人那景都将在遗忘中重新拾起。你也许会说“不是都过去了吗?”其实过去的只是时间,你依然逃不出,想起了就微笑或悲伤的宿命,那种宿命本叫“无能为力”。




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