My emotions as a pool of water.

Pei Hao read off his laptop screens, that some Sergeants were getting ex-NCOs' ranks. Amanda, Ma'am Wenting's. Mine, Staff Jing Xian's. Chloe, Staff Ongmin's. Junianti said that, yes, they had had a preference as to who got their ranks.

I should say thank you to Staff Jing Xian when I see her next.

But this level of gratitude is small compared to the next few hours.

Ripples across the water again, as I fall in as part of Hotshots, and ripples again when I stood in front of the sec1s as squad IC. Though for the latter, the ripples were physical. Shit.

I would have lost count of the number of times I tried to stop it. But hope and despair at it did not make the water cease to shake. It got worse.

Another round of coloured water into the pool. Perhaps because it set in with a note of finality that the end was near. A twitch of the nose, dryness in my eyes- close, but bearable.

The effects of the earthquake was gone, but the coloured dye had spread a long way into the pool. He even bersurai-ed us, and yet after we thanked him as a squad he still seemed to be watching us, even when he joined the other CIs. We broke into small conversation, happy conversation, but the pool didn't return to its original state. Ruth noticed, quite apparently, and offered her hand. The pool was calm as can be now. Only issue was that it was not the same.

Went to take the sec1s with this kind of mood. It is not hard to imagine that that itself, plus the fact that this was most likely our last debrief before ROD's made me the emo factor in the 3 person debrief. I didn't think I would cry for them- I still don't think so. But their lack of response managed to gloom me more. Even though we told them that this was the last debrief, there was no reaction. Hardly surprising judging that they are sec1s- I recall that no matter how much our sec1 ICs prompted Hotshots on any last words, anything that we wanted to say to them- nothing. It has always been a source of regret whenever I remember them. Worse thing was that we never made it up to them. Never.

I didn't take their bersurai. Not with this kind of feelings.
Junianti managed to force me into letting them call me Staff for the first time by refusing to acknowledge the permission to shift. -.-

As we went up to NP room, I realised that I would miss them. Yes, the number of times I called them "my squad" could be counted with one hand, but I realise that I will miss them. I didn't see that until today. Or perhaps I should attribute it to the fact that the pool is half coloured already. It was an exhausting thought, somehow- I didn't change while Xing Yao and Junianti did.

I wondered if I should have escaped to change when Sir Raymeo and Sir Jovi came in, for they sat down rather than change immediately. Slightly visible trembles break out, while a current appears in the water, self inflicted by something I considered, but dared not do. Meanwhile, the coloured nature of the pool leaves me fatigued- as such, I didn't even try to answer Sir Jovi asking me on how I felt about being IC etc. This wasn't the question to upset the pool, so perilously on the edge now. I tried to give decent answers as the conversation moved to more emotionally neutral questions. I guess I even attempted a hand in humour- quoting Sir Jovi to Sir Jovi when he said a sentence or two which I pretended to infer as looking down on Hotshots, asking for his choice of weapon- which Sir Raymeo volunteered to be; and when Sir Jovi asked which CCA I was joining, I replied Entrepreneur (which is true) but when he asked why I said that it was because I couldn't bear to part with my sec3 ICs. He gave that 0_0 look, to which I earnestly told him not to take me seriously. Not because I was saying this in front of Sir Raymeo, not because I don't like my sec3 ICs- rather, to them it would have been gratitude rather than affections.

Xing Yao came back. The waters weren't settled, nor was the colour about to fade from its midst. Any attempt at laughing failed dreadfully, and I think I would have accurately declared myself gloom-control-centre in that little room.

...

I'll leave out the exact statements and behaviours henceforth until we venture back into reasonably neutral waters, considering that I would keep that for myself- and squadmates at most, and more than this audience have access to my blog. Though by this I fear that I may not be able to keep all the memories within me, that with time some of the details would start fading...

The current turned into tidal waves that crashed through the entire confines of the pool- just to get that first sentence out. If there had been any other way to do this, I would have leapt at the opportunity- but I felt that this I owed. Your first prompt I wondered if you already knew my answer, deep down somewhere in your heart. I didn't articulate it properly, but the mini-storm building up was a hindrance. You denied what I said- the following prompt I cannot be completely certain whether it was on purpose, for me to say it out, or to express that I had nothing to be sorry for. Either way, a whirlpool developed; chaos.

The pool toppled over the edge when you replied that you forgot about it. Because that would only be for my benefit- how could you possibly forget it, when I dealt you that blow, undermining what you as a CI and IC wanted to give Hotshots? To have been able to write that email, how could you possibly forget it? Yet your every sentence was a kind bid for the pool to return to its calm state. But it wouldn't stop overflowing- because it just rubbed in the fact that I actually hurt you. You.

I left the room. With Junianit's determined optimism and careful steering of topic, the pool began to slowly return to a calm state. Perhaps also due to a fear of others seeing me in this state as well. But the dye in the originally crystal clear water set in totally; there was no way to get rid of it. But beneath the settled surface of the dyed water, remnants of the storm remained evident.

Ripples again, once you entered. I didn't dare to look you in the face- the surface which was temporarily under control would falter. But after that parting line, impactful on me as it was, and the effort to smile back, it overflowed again, and more coloured dye streamed into the pool.

Thank you, but I don't deserve this. All this, but your first priority was to comfort me- I really don't deserve this. I'm sorry- thank you.

千千万万的感激与抱歉，我到底能不能再说出口。

Labels: Deep Emotions, Hotshots♥ /RVNP