Wednesday, June 29, 2011 10:00 PM
It's all in my mind.
Up to sec 1, my heart didn't belong to NP. That I know for sure.
By sec 2, it was more important than my class already. Not more important than my clique though, nor my primary school friends. Of course not more than my family.
But as I drifted from my clique after the changing of classes...
I realise that squadmates and NP has become what I regard the most.
I never integrated into my class, honestly no.
There are people whom I can work with, whom I like, whom I hang around during breaks, but emotionally, it is just not there...
And after we stepped up, it got better.
Sure, because of our new-found roles there may be a bit more tension, there may be silent disagreements and dissatisfaction,
but I felt happier with them, than even during cadet life.
There was so much more freedom, so much more room to be yourself while being with your squadmates.
But of course, as NCOs, as ICs, we have less time, we'll be occupied with taking squad. Yes, sometimes I wonder why the heck I have to watch the squads give us vomit inducing standard, why I have to be stuck with them when I could be with my squadmates. ITC, act...
Still, squadmates hung around.
Lunch, chalet, kbox... All these things... Small things perhaps, but I do feel closer to them. I am happy to know that, happy to be part of Hotshots.
I feel it even more strongly, since we are going to really ROD in August.
In such a short span of time.
I see now. I see now why Staff said that NCOship is short.
There isn't enough time,
not enough to hone the cadets and groom them to satisfaction,
not enough to be with squadmates.
I fear that one day, without NP between us, we have nothing to talk about when we sit together for lunch.
I fear that when I pass you, all of you, all we can do is smile in acknowledgement.
I fear that when I try to wave, you will have turned on your heel.
I fear that the drifting will be real and visible.
Without a common identity.
Hotshots.
I worry about it more, since the official last act is over already.
But come ROD, it will be the final full stop.
And the greedy person I am,
I don't want to lose this.
And I fear that I will be the only one clutching at the memories.
Change is the only constant.
But does that mean that we have to ditch everything and fall back to square one?
Pretend nothing existed from the beginning?
True strength is if you dare to walk into the darkness alone.
But I am not alone, am I?
... ^^
The void from losing this bond would be a big one.
Yet somehow I don't anticipate that it will be filled again, by others of my cohort.
I won't know.
I will just hope that everyone gets their happiness, because if "when everything ends, nothing is left in my hands...that's alright.""
I guess I will have to believe that.
Because it is so obvious it will happen.
It is already happening...
Hearts drifting away...
You are finding your own happiness, filling a void that we failed to...
How can that be begrudged to you?
Labels: Hotshots♥ /RVNP