The void sucks me in.

Sunday, May 1, 2011 12:51 AM

It's all in my mind.

I was going to post this on Friday, but my internet was down. But I'm not over it yet, so here goes.

What the hell.

I don't see that you have the right to decide this on the behalf of Hotshots. I don't care if you two decide without discussion about our unit.

As cca leaders, it is in your full right to.

But what kind of shit is this- following the hierarchy indeed!

What the hell, it is only an inanimate object which does not even reflect standard. It doesn't show whose standard is higher, just a mere tool to make sure things run smoothly in the system, and you two are following it like your lives depend on it?

I'm going to be very harsh now and say this, something very uncalled for, but what you make me feel: Is it because you like being at the top?

Contingent IC of the NCO squad.

It should be someone whom we have a right to know about and discuss/suggest beforehand. Not, for god's sake, so secretive it's only known to the vast majority during parade rehearsal then!

You are doing exactly what you did for ROD, deciding internally, leaving no choice for the rest of us.

Do you view us as your squadmates? Your equals?

Oh wait, but of course not!

Though in the context of Peihao's tone in his previous message (to which I felt he actually sounded closer to us than usual), you said "no need to be so democratic lah!"- if this is the attitude regarding our squad,

IT FREAKING EXPLAINS.

I'm tired of you switching between attitudes with such speed. This is at least my second post saying this.

I get the annoying feeling that when you stand before us in a parade, we suddenly are nothing but numbers,

people.

Equal with the cadets, rather than squadmates.

I GET THE FEELING THAT ALL BUT THE CONTINGENT ICS ARE LIKE NOTHING TO YOU.

And though I am one, I hate that.

You make me feel over and over again that I should have thrown myself over a building rather than voting for both of you, then.

Hierarchy, hierarchy, hierarchy.

And who, for goodness sake, put you at the top?

Being up there suggests that you were TRUSTED to lead properly.

I'm sorry, but as cca leaders, both of you leave much to be desired. I shall most confidently say that I've lost two squadmates when I gained two cca leaders. The times you make me feel like you are still one of us... I think can be counted by two hands at most.

DIFFERENT AUDIENCE, DIFFERENT ATTITUDES FOR GOODNESS SAKE.

I don't care if I'm not empathizing with the hardship of your roles.

Because you two have pissed me off enough for me to overlook all of that.

I think about the question I asked the two of you during NPAP.

Whether you wanted to be cca leader.

Both of you said okay, if you got the job then do lor. But within the next few months, you two just proceeded to climb another step: CC.

I theorise that if your heart was wholly in NP, you'd stay where you were, knowing that you only had 24 hours a day.

Did it make sense to take the next most alluring deal?

Did you even consider what you wanted, or just continue climbing the ladder upwards?

You know why I'm so pissed off?

Because being at the top doesn't give you a right to represent Hotshots. In our squad, we're equals. As NCOs, we have different roles. You can't be "higher up" than your squadmates.

When I was venting to HL, she frowned and disagreed with me about using the hierarchy for the function of the parade. For NCC, apparently, everything is by the hierarchy.

Well then. I must then say that their platoon-mates must not be very important to them, the competitive spirit getting the better of them.

Don't mix it up. This is NP.

All for one, one for all.

Also because you are defying my every expectation of your roles.

When I saw Staff Jingyi commanding away Sir Qinhui's batch, I swore I'd never be the one to do that.

Commanding the seniors.

And I never volunteer to do bersurai. Not that I remember (last year or so). Because given a choice, I will not command my squadmates.

Bersurai, I will do alongside them, not watch them.

Though this may not be the ideal reaction, because of voluntarism or whatever,

your difference in values regarding squadmates and NP irks me.

Don't ask me "then who do you want to be contingent IC?",

because that's not the point.

MY ISSUE IS THAT YOU DIDN'T CARE TO KNOW THAT BEFORE DECIDING AND ASKING HER.

My issue is that you didn't give us a choice.

Similarly, don't ask "then who you want to have been cca leader"?,

because there is no such thing as ceteris peribus,

and time cannot reverse.

Our hearts change.

It won't be fair to say that someone else would have done a better job,

but once again, the goal-oriented and people-oriented difference.

The difference to me that goal-oriented makes the work process shorter at times, and you complete what you are out to do. If you do it well, people will respect you for your success.

People oriented, we will love you and accept you, with no dispute, as someone who leads us, represents us. If you screw up somewhere, they'll give you a hand, they'll help you up, they'll give you a chance.

You choose for yourself who you want to be.

Come ROD, 50th anniversary, I await your decision-making.

Both of you.

Labels: Deep Emotions, Hotshots♥ /RVNP

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

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Tan Jing Yee
River Valley High School
RVNP HotShots! (sec1'08)
~~Shuqun Primary School~~
28 July

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♥ But I think... I want to live with all my memories. Even if they're bad memories. Even if they're memories that only hurt me... that I'd rather forget. If I keep them and keep trying, without running away, then someday I'll be strong enough that those memories can't defeat me. I believe that because I want to think that there's no such thing as a memory that's ok to forget.

♥ Pain, suffering. It's pointless to just think about those things. The traveler (referring to "The Most Foolish Traveler" by Natsuki Takaya) didn't. That may be stupid to some people but that's not stupid to me. Yuki... Kyo... when you close your eyes, what do you think?

♥ Just as no matter how hard you try to keep it away... despair will attack you again and again. In the same manner hope will return to you. Again and again.

♥ Someday... no matter how cold it is now... the snow will melt. Without fail.

♥ For there to be pain, there has to be kindness. For darkness to stand out, there has to be the sun.

♥ Maybe I'm not perfect. Maybe I have a long way to go. But someday... someday I'll be able to stand and walk on my own. Without hurting anyone... and without being a burden.

♥ We're all born with selfish desires so we can relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is created individually by each person... So it's easy to misunderstand when someone is trying to be kind to you... But, Tohru, people's differences are something to celebrate.

♥ "And if when everything ends, nothing is left in my hands...that's alright."

♥ Mingling with people, hurting them, getting hurt by them. That's how you learn about people and about yourself. If you don't, you'll never care about anyone but yourself.

♥ I want to be the only one... who can help the one I care about.

♥ "I wish I could have lived... In a kind world. Without anxiety. Without fear. Without hurting other people. Without being hurt myself. Only doing the right things. I wish I could have followed... The shortest path... To the kind world I wish for. I wish... I could have lived my life... Without making any wrong turns. But that is impossible. A path like that doesn't exist. We fail. We trip. We get lost. We make mistakes. And little by little, one step at a time... we push forward. It's all we can do. On our own two feet. Even if we get a little banged up. Someday, we'll reach something. We'll reach someone. We pray."

♥ "Crowds used to make me wonder. How many people would notice if I disappeared? I used to mull over that kind of thing constantly... once upon a time. But now... I'm a little different. It's not like that. It doesn't have to be... A lot of people. Even if it's just one person. That's enough. Having one person... is an incredible thing. Because then... It can't be zero. I was happy. I was happy then, too. I was so happy, it tickled. In the midst of all those people... She singled me out... and found me. And it's the same thing now. Having someone other than yourself... thinking of you. Looking... for you. You can't take that for granted. It's a miraculous and blessed thing."

♥ "... please don't cry anymore. I know that happy things... and fun things.. eventually come to an end. But things that are scary and sad... come to an end too. They always do. Even if you can't always believe that... please don't give up. Live. I want you to live. Even if you make a mistake, even if you take the long way, it's still okay... Just please... please live. Don't give up on pushing forward. Please. At least don't give up on that. Even if I'm not... by your side."

♥ Often times in memory, we have the tendency to overly romanticize the people we care about.

♥ Humans may be fragile creatures, but they're not weak to the extent to being crushed by their painful memories even after they meet with something unfortunate. We're far more resilient that that. Everything will be alright.

♥ "Don't worry, Kanade. What a person has actually gone through is unexpectedly different from what he remembers. Even though that gap may leave him feeling sad sometimes... Even the most vivdly clear memory... will change with time eventually."

♥ "Humans are amazing. Even though they may not see something physically... They'll still sense it. Everything else is the same. If you work hard, others will know that you work hard. If you don't work hard, others will know that you don't work hard."

♥ "Someday... You'll find someone who'll know all your good and bad points... And who'll still love you all the same."

♥ If... There was ever a Land of the Blindfolded, will the people of that land... Understand what it's like to have your blindfold come undone? Even if... Most people will never understand us... There might just be... Someone who can do that. It isn't easy to understand people's feelings... But that doesn't mean... That you're alone.

♥ It is not violence that best overcomes hate — nor vengeance that most certainly heals injury.

♥ The real courage is living and suffering for what you believe.

♥ “If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”

♥ Do not pity the dead, Harry, pity the living. Above all pity those who live without love.

♥ 每一段记忆，都有一个密码。只要时间，地点，人物组合正确，无论尘封多久，那人那景都将在遗忘中重新拾起。你也许会说“不是都过去了吗？”其实过去的只是时间，你依然逃不出，想起了就微笑或悲伤的宿命，那种宿命本叫“无能为力”。

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