The void sucks me in.

Monday, March 21, 2011 9:33 PM

It's all in my mind.

Shit. Make me cry again. How the hell do I face you?

It's not fair.

It'f not fair that I start crying, rendering my critical self useless.

It's not fair at all, Sir.

Suddenly, I cannot stay pissed off at you.

I disagree, but in light of what you say, what else can I think?

That disagreement portion is so tiny in comparison.

In comparison... to the message sent by your action, by your words, by your self.

My bad, my bad.

After you pour out your emotions, how can I judge you as critically as before?

Even if I disagree, so what?

In the shadow of your love for hotshots, what else can I think? After your confession, what can I say?

Humans are such emotion oriented beings.

If we can still rationalise properly, ignoring the pull of our heartstrings,

Perhaps we care insufficiently.

At first I could have worn a skeptical look on my face. Like what Seow Hwee rightly points out, I don't see that you get my point.

Similarly, I don't see your point about candlelight night. Though you explained the debrief section, it comes down to a different POV about the same situation in the hall.

The only difference I see is that you are pressured by your post. The enthusiasm extended to the NCOs was not allowed to include you.

Perhaps being Sir yourself, the state of the unit would bother you more.

Your love for RVNP would have rendered it relevant.

The lack of a disciplined unit?

I wouldn't know, but I thought it was thus every year? The running, the snatching.

You could draw on experience, I guess. It's not my place to speak.

Or, perhaps, your 5 core values of standard, discipline, initiative, respect, unity?

During CJ CID, we got a professional journalist to share his experiences with us.

In that, he said that the movie producers he critiques always rebut that he doesn't know how much effort it took to produce the movie, etc. He has no right to critique.

He disagrees- he says that not knowing the background his critique is objective. He sees it as an outsider.

It is clearer this way.

If the reverse is true,

Then I guess I had no right to critique. I had to be bias.

I'm sorry, Sir.

"I was not wrong to scold you all, I was wrong to show that I cared more for you all."

I think it is by this line that it all came running down my face.

(Since when was the system so harsh? Of all the things hardest to hold back, it is the things from the heart. Isn't the way your heart points always right? Then why is it wrong to let it lead you?)

I pressed it away, hurriedly, rushing through the line to hope the impact was less.

But no.

By the time he says that he failed as a CI because he was back to being the squad IC of the NCO squad, it wouldn't stop.

Tears like rain.

Yet, a part of me wanted the words on the page to continue on forever. I didn't want to reach the bottom of the page.

The words that you cared for Hotshots, Sir.

I said in my previous post:

Sir, you stepping in at that time only achieved one thing for me: you made the NCOs the cadets' equal.
For one who was trying to hone us from sec 3 cadets into NCOs... (Y)

Well, what does that make me now, since I made you an equal to us NCOs in my post?

What does that make me now, since I made the IC Hotshots loved- loves- most feel like a failure?

Shit.

Debrief-

No, it did not give everyone the wrong idea.

It's just me, I think. With me being oversensitive, perhaps.

Perhaps.

And for this one person, you feel like a failure?

Please. Don't.

Kristine reckons that our post was cruel on Sir.

I see that now, I guess.

Although I will not regret that I posted, I realise that my venting just hurt you more.

I regret not that I posted, but the cutting effect my words had on you.

Because you cared beyond what I expected from you.

Because your emotions were stronger than what I thought possible.

In light of that, my bad, Sir.

I'm sorry, Staff.

I don't have the right to make you feel sad.

I don't have the right to make you feel like a failure.

"I chose this. I have to and shall live through this."

I had no right to add to that, make you feel worse, Sir. I have no right to, since you came back for Hotshots.

I'm sorry.

We are all only human, Sir. But you made our mistake- if any- a crime. And we have now a punishment of which effects are intangible, but ever present.

... I think I managed to condemn you in my post, Sir.

... Seems like I have more to apologise for.

到这个地步，一千一万个对不起已经没有用了。

但是我还是这句：对不起。深深地，对不起。

"I don't know how to put it anymore. Why am I even posting this? Because I damn bloody care. I shouldn't."

And yet you reached out anyway. The fact that Staff lives on in Sir... that's why.

"My reason for coming back as a CI: Nurture you all in the last phase of your NP life; to share whatever I have learnt there with you all, hoping to leave some decent memories in your NCOship. And this time, I've failed myself."

I shall disagree again, Sir.

On the contrary, this episode only serves to amplify how much you care.

The negative effects we feel now...

They will dissipate eventually to reveal the deepening bond.

... I said before, didn't I.

A love hate relationship, if you please.

Either way, ICs and their cadets share a special bond.

You had to read my post, you had to suffer all the ill emotions it aroused within you.

And yet, you comfort me about the cadet.

When I thoroughly don't deserve it anymore, you still did.

While you try to make me/us feel better, you demean yourself.

What the shit did I do?

Mixed feelings.

So many.

I know I had a part in it.

A big part of it.

Perhaps even bigger than the effect of your scolding itself, Sir.

I don't know.

Personally, I don't know how to react to your email.

I don't know, but one thing I do know is that it was heartwrenching.

Beyond the fact that I am primarily responsible for your sense of failure, nothing comes into my mind anymore.

上万个对不起，我怎么说的出口？

可能现在已经没有意义了。

要挽回一切，太迟了吗？

是我的错，一直都是。

深深的，从心发出来的：对不起。

You should hate me. Maybe I'd get what I deserve.

But Staff, I'm sorry.

Labels: Deep Emotions, Hotshots♥ /RVNP

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

~ Profile ~

Tan Jing Yee
River Valley High School
RVNP HotShots! (sec1'08)
~~Shuqun Primary School~~
28 July

~ some quotes ~

♥ But I think... I want to live with all my memories. Even if they're bad memories. Even if they're memories that only hurt me... that I'd rather forget. If I keep them and keep trying, without running away, then someday I'll be strong enough that those memories can't defeat me. I believe that because I want to think that there's no such thing as a memory that's ok to forget.

♥ Pain, suffering. It's pointless to just think about those things. The traveler (referring to "The Most Foolish Traveler" by Natsuki Takaya) didn't. That may be stupid to some people but that's not stupid to me. Yuki... Kyo... when you close your eyes, what do you think?

♥ Just as no matter how hard you try to keep it away... despair will attack you again and again. In the same manner hope will return to you. Again and again.

♥ Someday... no matter how cold it is now... the snow will melt. Without fail.

♥ For there to be pain, there has to be kindness. For darkness to stand out, there has to be the sun.

♥ Maybe I'm not perfect. Maybe I have a long way to go. But someday... someday I'll be able to stand and walk on my own. Without hurting anyone... and without being a burden.

♥ We're all born with selfish desires so we can relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is created individually by each person... So it's easy to misunderstand when someone is trying to be kind to you... But, Tohru, people's differences are something to celebrate.

♥ "And if when everything ends, nothing is left in my hands...that's alright."

♥ Mingling with people, hurting them, getting hurt by them. That's how you learn about people and about yourself. If you don't, you'll never care about anyone but yourself.

♥ I want to be the only one... who can help the one I care about.

♥ "I wish I could have lived... In a kind world. Without anxiety. Without fear. Without hurting other people. Without being hurt myself. Only doing the right things. I wish I could have followed... The shortest path... To the kind world I wish for. I wish... I could have lived my life... Without making any wrong turns. But that is impossible. A path like that doesn't exist. We fail. We trip. We get lost. We make mistakes. And little by little, one step at a time... we push forward. It's all we can do. On our own two feet. Even if we get a little banged up. Someday, we'll reach something. We'll reach someone. We pray."

♥ "Crowds used to make me wonder. How many people would notice if I disappeared? I used to mull over that kind of thing constantly... once upon a time. But now... I'm a little different. It's not like that. It doesn't have to be... A lot of people. Even if it's just one person. That's enough. Having one person... is an incredible thing. Because then... It can't be zero. I was happy. I was happy then, too. I was so happy, it tickled. In the midst of all those people... She singled me out... and found me. And it's the same thing now. Having someone other than yourself... thinking of you. Looking... for you. You can't take that for granted. It's a miraculous and blessed thing."

♥ "... please don't cry anymore. I know that happy things... and fun things.. eventually come to an end. But things that are scary and sad... come to an end too. They always do. Even if you can't always believe that... please don't give up. Live. I want you to live. Even if you make a mistake, even if you take the long way, it's still okay... Just please... please live. Don't give up on pushing forward. Please. At least don't give up on that. Even if I'm not... by your side."

♥ Often times in memory, we have the tendency to overly romanticize the people we care about.

♥ Humans may be fragile creatures, but they're not weak to the extent to being crushed by their painful memories even after they meet with something unfortunate. We're far more resilient that that. Everything will be alright.

♥ "Don't worry, Kanade. What a person has actually gone through is unexpectedly different from what he remembers. Even though that gap may leave him feeling sad sometimes... Even the most vivdly clear memory... will change with time eventually."

♥ "Humans are amazing. Even though they may not see something physically... They'll still sense it. Everything else is the same. If you work hard, others will know that you work hard. If you don't work hard, others will know that you don't work hard."

♥ "Someday... You'll find someone who'll know all your good and bad points... And who'll still love you all the same."

♥ If... There was ever a Land of the Blindfolded, will the people of that land... Understand what it's like to have your blindfold come undone? Even if... Most people will never understand us... There might just be... Someone who can do that. It isn't easy to understand people's feelings... But that doesn't mean... That you're alone.

♥ It is not violence that best overcomes hate — nor vengeance that most certainly heals injury.

♥ The real courage is living and suffering for what you believe.

♥ “If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”

♥ Do not pity the dead, Harry, pity the living. Above all pity those who live without love.

♥ 每一段记忆，都有一个密码。只要时间，地点，人物组合正确，无论尘封多久，那人那景都将在遗忘中重新拾起。你也许会说“不是都过去了吗？”其实过去的只是时间，你依然逃不出，想起了就微笑或悲伤的宿命，那种宿命本叫“无能为力”。

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