The void sucks me in.

Friday, October 22, 2010 8:22 PM

It's all in my mind.

What makes a good IC, I wonder.
But if what I see around me is good, I think I will fail as an IC.
Xing Yao said that I kept scolding.
Staff Jovi said (not to my face) that he pitied the year 1s next year- coz I was a fierce IC.
Shou Fong said that she'd very much prefer the 爱的教育。

I wish I could like the future sec ones enough to be nice.
But seeing the sec two squad, I wonder.

I get really pissed off when they are disrespectful. When they don't put their all into it.
Staff Jing Xian said that disappointment is something that all ICs would need to go through. The bare minimum.
If that's the standard I expect, I certainly would be disappointed time and again.
I would definitely be pissed off 90% of acts.
As such, taking the sec 3 squad ICs' style as ideal, I would be far from it.

It is part of me, I can't help it.
What can I do? Only dread 2011, I guess.
I don't want to ROD knowing that the squad I took hated me.
I don't want to ROD knowing that I was the worst IC ever lived.
That'd be too much- even for me.

Another thing.
IMAGE.
IMAGE.
IMAGE.
I almost couldn't stand watching my squadmates debrief the sec 3s.
Just... The style was too... not my style.
When they scolded, the tone wasn't that of scolding. It was still nice and calm and all.
When you want to scold people, isn't the point for them to know that you don't like it and you want them to change? The feeling isn't even there.
And you people. The squadmates in front and the ones at the back. PLEASE! Don't "suan" each other in front of the juniors! Don't try to be funny! And you people at the front! Laughing along!

If you all noticed, none of our NCOs did that. Ever.
Not even doing like what we did- gathering behind the squad, chatting.
They were always either out of sight, out of earshot, or not being undignified.
That's why they can command respect.
PLEASE, squadmates.
How can we ask the juniors to be serious during drill if they hear us chatting happily at the back?
How can we expect the juniors to focus on their ICs' reprimanding when we are laughing at our own jokes?

When you people, those at the front, and those who "fell in" behind the juniors made a joke, what do you think the juniors will think? I think they wouldn't take them seriously. Both NCOs. The entire NCO squad? Who knows. Don't misunderstand- I am not for scolding and picking out their mistakes on every little thing. When they do well, tell them that. When they are not up to mark, scold. That's what I think I'll be doing. Albeit in a serious manner.

Watching you people today, and hearing Xing Yao's feedback,
I am almost certain that I am the only one who behaves the way I do. Who gets exasperated at such things. To find something you people find funny unacceptable.
Perhaps I was taught differently. Perhaps my experiences render me with a different take of the matter.
But how? How can I work with my fellow ICs, my future squad, when our ideals are so fundamentally different? What I think is essential is seen as excessive. What I find inappropriate is so obviously not agreed upon.
You say I taught you discipline? I was a lousy teacher, then. I sucked.

After being exasperated to the max- breaking point being the reply to one of my comments "Really ah? I was quite serious already"- Shou Fong and I had gone down to look for the sec two squad. I could sense that Shou Fong disagreed with me. And I "emo-ed".
I looked at the sec 2s, with their IC.
In the predictable future, I will have a bunch of juniors in front of me, like that.
Will I love them?
Will I deserve to take them?
Will I distance myself from Hotshots because of this?
Is it worth it?

Now, I cannot help but wish that I had been put into my second choice.

Labels: Deep Emotions, Hotshots♥ /RVNP

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

~ Profile ~

Tan Jing Yee
River Valley High School
RVNP HotShots! (sec1'08)
~~Shuqun Primary School~~
28 July

~ some quotes ~

♥ But I think... I want to live with all my memories. Even if they're bad memories. Even if they're memories that only hurt me... that I'd rather forget. If I keep them and keep trying, without running away, then someday I'll be strong enough that those memories can't defeat me. I believe that because I want to think that there's no such thing as a memory that's ok to forget.

♥ Pain, suffering. It's pointless to just think about those things. The traveler (referring to "The Most Foolish Traveler" by Natsuki Takaya) didn't. That may be stupid to some people but that's not stupid to me. Yuki... Kyo... when you close your eyes, what do you think?

♥ Just as no matter how hard you try to keep it away... despair will attack you again and again. In the same manner hope will return to you. Again and again.

♥ Someday... no matter how cold it is now... the snow will melt. Without fail.

♥ For there to be pain, there has to be kindness. For darkness to stand out, there has to be the sun.

♥ Maybe I'm not perfect. Maybe I have a long way to go. But someday... someday I'll be able to stand and walk on my own. Without hurting anyone... and without being a burden.

♥ We're all born with selfish desires so we can relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is created individually by each person... So it's easy to misunderstand when someone is trying to be kind to you... But, Tohru, people's differences are something to celebrate.

♥ "And if when everything ends, nothing is left in my hands...that's alright."

♥ Mingling with people, hurting them, getting hurt by them. That's how you learn about people and about yourself. If you don't, you'll never care about anyone but yourself.

♥ I want to be the only one... who can help the one I care about.

♥ "I wish I could have lived... In a kind world. Without anxiety. Without fear. Without hurting other people. Without being hurt myself. Only doing the right things. I wish I could have followed... The shortest path... To the kind world I wish for. I wish... I could have lived my life... Without making any wrong turns. But that is impossible. A path like that doesn't exist. We fail. We trip. We get lost. We make mistakes. And little by little, one step at a time... we push forward. It's all we can do. On our own two feet. Even if we get a little banged up. Someday, we'll reach something. We'll reach someone. We pray."

♥ "Crowds used to make me wonder. How many people would notice if I disappeared? I used to mull over that kind of thing constantly... once upon a time. But now... I'm a little different. It's not like that. It doesn't have to be... A lot of people. Even if it's just one person. That's enough. Having one person... is an incredible thing. Because then... It can't be zero. I was happy. I was happy then, too. I was so happy, it tickled. In the midst of all those people... She singled me out... and found me. And it's the same thing now. Having someone other than yourself... thinking of you. Looking... for you. You can't take that for granted. It's a miraculous and blessed thing."

♥ "... please don't cry anymore. I know that happy things... and fun things.. eventually come to an end. But things that are scary and sad... come to an end too. They always do. Even if you can't always believe that... please don't give up. Live. I want you to live. Even if you make a mistake, even if you take the long way, it's still okay... Just please... please live. Don't give up on pushing forward. Please. At least don't give up on that. Even if I'm not... by your side."

♥ Often times in memory, we have the tendency to overly romanticize the people we care about.

♥ Humans may be fragile creatures, but they're not weak to the extent to being crushed by their painful memories even after they meet with something unfortunate. We're far more resilient that that. Everything will be alright.

♥ "Don't worry, Kanade. What a person has actually gone through is unexpectedly different from what he remembers. Even though that gap may leave him feeling sad sometimes... Even the most vivdly clear memory... will change with time eventually."

♥ "Humans are amazing. Even though they may not see something physically... They'll still sense it. Everything else is the same. If you work hard, others will know that you work hard. If you don't work hard, others will know that you don't work hard."

♥ "Someday... You'll find someone who'll know all your good and bad points... And who'll still love you all the same."

♥ If... There was ever a Land of the Blindfolded, will the people of that land... Understand what it's like to have your blindfold come undone? Even if... Most people will never understand us... There might just be... Someone who can do that. It isn't easy to understand people's feelings... But that doesn't mean... That you're alone.

♥ It is not violence that best overcomes hate — nor vengeance that most certainly heals injury.

♥ The real courage is living and suffering for what you believe.

♥ “If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”

♥ Do not pity the dead, Harry, pity the living. Above all pity those who live without love.

♥ 每一段记忆，都有一个密码。只要时间，地点，人物组合正确，无论尘封多久，那人那景都将在遗忘中重新拾起。你也许会说“不是都过去了吗？”其实过去的只是时间，你依然逃不出，想起了就微笑或悲伤的宿命，那种宿命本叫“无能为力”。

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