Sunday, August 29, 2010 10:54 AM
It's all in my mind.
Squadmates 三年了。
我留不了你们。
而你...... 本是说会跟我们- 我超感动的;可最后,还是离开了。
Three years. Three years already.
You said "Make it a friend lunch."
Squadmates... Aren't friends?
You whispered in her ear. It hurt to see that between us, there was that rift.
You knew what she was saying. I said that you knew her well.
You said that it was plain from her body language.
True, true.
Only a blind would miss the way her eyes flicked up to us while listening to your words.
I tried to close that rift. I tried to keep you. I tried to make you stay.
You said nothing.
You answered on her behalf: "The people."
Then, you left. All three of you left. Without a "bye" or a chance for me to join you.
Watching you three leave, my heart sank.
Icy cold.
你们不离而别了。
我想把你们留下,
最后变成你们离我而去。
我内心的感受你们不可能懂。
Get over.
Appreciate them for who they are.
Don't split the squad further.
不要这样。
Please... 不要这样。
你笑着说我很大排。三个人叫我坐下,我还是不坐。
That's not it.
Call me childish if you will.
In my heart, I felt that I'd be better able to link those two groups together. The girls group- the guys group.
I may be wrong, but isn't that what Ken is doing?
Crossing the river.
I was trying to be the bridge,
but being ensnared by my own gloomy thoughts, I failed to do so.
Totally antisocial.
Sorry about that.
I realised it futility when the four of them sat down, separated from us by those tables.
Is there no hope for us?
I don't get it.
How come you people don't see how much I wish to have the squad as one?
I'm surprised that I'll care so much about Hotshots. I never anticipated when I got thrown into NP that the reason why I'd give my all for this CCA that I didn't choose was my squadmates.
Don't any of you share my love for this squad of 34? Aren't any of you bothered about the outcome of our squad? How come- I don't understand- it seems to extend only to the people you are close to within the squad?
I don't understand.
Enlighten me.
I don't understand.
Why am I the only one so bothered about this? Why am I the only one feeling hurt when we drift?
Why don't you people feel the ecstasy I do when the squad is whole, mentally and physically together?
I don't understand.
And I hate this feeling of being lost in my lack of understanding.
"Squadmates"-
my definition for the term is "Anytime, anywhere."
What is your definition?
Please don't tell me it is "People in the same squad."
Drill promo yesterday.
Judging by the contents of the debrief our Sirs gave us with a smile,
I think the chances of us adding one line is quite slim.
At least we tried. And I'll continue trying.
Oh yes. I realised this.
My innards are spared from the feeling of nervousness. Racing heart, dizziness, no.
Instead they manifest on my physical, exterior self.
Shaking. Visible trembling.
Which contradicts itself actually. And it's a weird sensation.
Not feeling nervous at all- yet, knowing that I "should", and the trembling that points to the fact that I "am".
I can even rationally think about why I shake, whether others can see it, and to hope that I can cease this spasming. (Sylvia had the kindness to note to me that I was trembling when I did my WOC. Proven that it isn't my imagination.)
That's one of the reasons I didn't volunteer for parade commanding, actually. I knew I was shaking throughout.
I only hope my face was fantastically passive nevertheless.
When addressing a class, a squad. My equals, my juniors, I am not nervous.
Not throughout preparation. Not throughout speech. Only... a split second before teaching them, standing in front of the class...
When I speak, it disappears.
Freda said on Friday that my body language was tense though my tone was friendly- I guess that's the only way it manifests. I can smile at them. My voice doesn't shake, my heart isn't racing. Perhaps my fluency is partly compromised.
But... Where did my heart go?
Labels: Deep Emotions, Hotshots♥ /RVNP