The void sucks me in.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010 9:14 PM

It's all in my mind.

Afew things to post about today.

After I asked Amanda why she looked exhausted, she in turn asked why I looked so tired. Then, I had been leaning against the metal cabinet in NP room.

I told her I was drained.

Mentally drained.

Stressed? she guessed. Tests?
No, no.

It is an insignificant combination of things that drained me. That, if others were in my shoes, they may not feel so much for. That bothers me... Just me, and me alone.

First thing in the morning, Yun Hui had asked me if I could help her with her boots. I agreed.

Upon chatting with Amanda before PE, she said that she and Ying Ying had 推荐ed me to Yun Hui. And she also invited me to take the sec 3s for drill. Pei Hao would be settling admin, she said. There'd be a lack in manpower.
I agreed.

Just before Yang Sheng went to take the juniors, I asked him if he minded if I joined them taking the sec3s for drill. He said I was welcome to.

My style, my style. To make sure all ICs were fiine with it.

I hate to be a disappointment.
I hate to not achieve things I said I'll do.
I hate to not live up to others' expectations.
I hate not knowing what to do.
That feeling.
That feeling of not being able to fall back on anything.

And yet... That was exactly what happened.

I couldn't help polish Yun Hui's shoes.
When I attempted to polish Lucy's, it became more dull.
I didn't bring about much improvement to Pei Jia's or Madeline's boots.
I really wanted to join Xing Yao and the other guys practising drill. But I was unable to due to obligations; I told him to bring a phone down with them- when I'm done I'll come down.

In the end, I didn't do any good polishing, and I didn't manage to do what I said I'll do- join them for drill.

No words said- but I felt a blow.

And in the end, I didn't join Amanda and Yang Sheng taking squad.
Damn lousy.
By that time, my emotions were... very low.

Muster parade.
I felt no anticipation, no excitement, no nervousness. Nothing at all throughout.

After we keluar-baris-ed, I saw Seow Hwee being embraced by another squadmate.
This notion attacked me at once.
How would the squadmates who weren't promoted feel as they watched us take our ranks?

Freda, Seow Hwee, Xing Yao.
Them three especiallly. How would they feel??

Yun Hui passed by me, and asked if I was feeling sad.
I had said yes. Especially for those who had to take squad but didn't get promoted.
But looking back, if I was feeling sad, what were they feeling??

When Mr Loke was talking to the Sec2s, some of us crowded around behind the squad for a while.
"晓慧，要笑！"
She did. But it was only the contorting of facial muscles.
Deep down, she probably was feeling very disappointed. Very sad.

Mr Loke was done. They left to take squad.
Lucy, Shou Fong and I went up to NP room.

Seeing Xing Yao, I told him to jiayou for this round of promos.
He said, no self esteem liao lor, only he not promoted.

I glanced at him from reaching into the cabinet, and whispered that Seow Hwee didn't get hers either.
He said that, no, he meant, that we three were all promoted, only him.
My reply was as low as I felt- "I know."

Xing Yao said, "Ey, don't cry orh. You look like you're going to cry."
I'm not sure if I replied- I was surprised that he said that.

As I went down with Shou with the wallets, I asked her if I looked like I was going to cry.
She didn't think so.

That's good.
For a second, I was worried that my features betrayed me.

For, yes... I was on the verge of crying inside.

More to come.

After passing the wallets to both squads and on the return journey back, we stopped and chatted briefly with Madeleine and Ken. The latter enlightened me (or us) on something, and I felt that he was annoyed by it, indignant maybe.

I tried to keep an open mind, until I saw for myself. Stirrings within me- I suppressed them.
I believe my duty in this case is to not add fuel to the fire- he has a role. He needs to keep to it.
Even if I were upset, I would keep it inside yet.
I have strength enough for that.

But as I walked away, I berated myself for posting that post on the squad blog.
I had not considered juniors reading it; I expected only ex-Ncos.
And my post was directed from my heart to my squadmates.
Don't quote my words for the detriment of our squad.
I don't want to be the cause for our squad's downfall.

After reading the post in question, I realise that I cannot hate her.
She worries the same problem I do. That she's bothered about the unity of her squad is perfectly sound.
For that, I can't hate you. I can feel the feeling behind it. But, I guess, you won't know and won't be bothered about how much that hurts me.
You love your squad. I love mine.
Don't insult mine to propel yours.
I'm sure you would feel the pain too, if I were insulting your squad instead.
Please.
Think about it.

When I finished changing and returned to NP room, all the squad ICs were back.
They looked tired.
Physical?
I feel like I have mentally aged just through this act.

FINE.
If I am fated to lose them all,FINE.
Grant me at least the strength
to see it to the end,
grant me at least the strength to look strong,
look
like it won't affect me like it won't affect you
grant me the strength to put
on my last facade long enough
before I break into tears silently in a corner
myself.

I have strength enough for that.

Facades, Amanda? You got that right. Exactly right. It was quite successful, I fancy.

I don't even know who I am now.

"...our squad..."

"Which squad?"

"Our squad. The Sec 3s."

A pang.

Labels: Deep Emotions, Hotshots♥ /RVNP

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

~ Profile ~

Tan Jing Yee
River Valley High School
RVNP HotShots! (sec1'08)
~~Shuqun Primary School~~
28 July

~ some quotes ~

♥ But I think... I want to live with all my memories. Even if they're bad memories. Even if they're memories that only hurt me... that I'd rather forget. If I keep them and keep trying, without running away, then someday I'll be strong enough that those memories can't defeat me. I believe that because I want to think that there's no such thing as a memory that's ok to forget.

♥ Pain, suffering. It's pointless to just think about those things. The traveler (referring to "The Most Foolish Traveler" by Natsuki Takaya) didn't. That may be stupid to some people but that's not stupid to me. Yuki... Kyo... when you close your eyes, what do you think?

♥ Just as no matter how hard you try to keep it away... despair will attack you again and again. In the same manner hope will return to you. Again and again.

♥ Someday... no matter how cold it is now... the snow will melt. Without fail.

♥ For there to be pain, there has to be kindness. For darkness to stand out, there has to be the sun.

♥ Maybe I'm not perfect. Maybe I have a long way to go. But someday... someday I'll be able to stand and walk on my own. Without hurting anyone... and without being a burden.

♥ We're all born with selfish desires so we can relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is created individually by each person... So it's easy to misunderstand when someone is trying to be kind to you... But, Tohru, people's differences are something to celebrate.

♥ "And if when everything ends, nothing is left in my hands...that's alright."

♥ Mingling with people, hurting them, getting hurt by them. That's how you learn about people and about yourself. If you don't, you'll never care about anyone but yourself.

♥ I want to be the only one... who can help the one I care about.

♥ "I wish I could have lived... In a kind world. Without anxiety. Without fear. Without hurting other people. Without being hurt myself. Only doing the right things. I wish I could have followed... The shortest path... To the kind world I wish for. I wish... I could have lived my life... Without making any wrong turns. But that is impossible. A path like that doesn't exist. We fail. We trip. We get lost. We make mistakes. And little by little, one step at a time... we push forward. It's all we can do. On our own two feet. Even if we get a little banged up. Someday, we'll reach something. We'll reach someone. We pray."

♥ "Crowds used to make me wonder. How many people would notice if I disappeared? I used to mull over that kind of thing constantly... once upon a time. But now... I'm a little different. It's not like that. It doesn't have to be... A lot of people. Even if it's just one person. That's enough. Having one person... is an incredible thing. Because then... It can't be zero. I was happy. I was happy then, too. I was so happy, it tickled. In the midst of all those people... She singled me out... and found me. And it's the same thing now. Having someone other than yourself... thinking of you. Looking... for you. You can't take that for granted. It's a miraculous and blessed thing."

♥ "... please don't cry anymore. I know that happy things... and fun things.. eventually come to an end. But things that are scary and sad... come to an end too. They always do. Even if you can't always believe that... please don't give up. Live. I want you to live. Even if you make a mistake, even if you take the long way, it's still okay... Just please... please live. Don't give up on pushing forward. Please. At least don't give up on that. Even if I'm not... by your side."

♥ Often times in memory, we have the tendency to overly romanticize the people we care about.

♥ Humans may be fragile creatures, but they're not weak to the extent to being crushed by their painful memories even after they meet with something unfortunate. We're far more resilient that that. Everything will be alright.

♥ "Don't worry, Kanade. What a person has actually gone through is unexpectedly different from what he remembers. Even though that gap may leave him feeling sad sometimes... Even the most vivdly clear memory... will change with time eventually."

♥ "Humans are amazing. Even though they may not see something physically... They'll still sense it. Everything else is the same. If you work hard, others will know that you work hard. If you don't work hard, others will know that you don't work hard."

♥ "Someday... You'll find someone who'll know all your good and bad points... And who'll still love you all the same."

♥ If... There was ever a Land of the Blindfolded, will the people of that land... Understand what it's like to have your blindfold come undone? Even if... Most people will never understand us... There might just be... Someone who can do that. It isn't easy to understand people's feelings... But that doesn't mean... That you're alone.

♥ It is not violence that best overcomes hate — nor vengeance that most certainly heals injury.

♥ The real courage is living and suffering for what you believe.

♥ “If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”

♥ Do not pity the dead, Harry, pity the living. Above all pity those who live without love.

♥ 每一段记忆，都有一个密码。只要时间，地点，人物组合正确，无论尘封多久，那人那景都将在遗忘中重新拾起。你也许会说“不是都过去了吗？”其实过去的只是时间，你依然逃不出，想起了就微笑或悲伤的宿命，那种宿命本叫“无能为力”。

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