Friday, January 27, 2017 8:20 AM

It's all in my mind.


When they originally decided the date I got a little sense of dread, because I had Swedish language classes starting on 26 evening itself. Over the last two days, I have made pineapple tarts from scratch by myself for the first time, most of it while in my room in order to prepare for the CNY potluck.

This morning I was so down when the pineapple tarts were too crumbly- clearly there was something a bit problematic with my use of butter, because exert a bit more strength and the pineapple tarts would break in my hands while I was transferring it from the baking tray. The second batch was just less dark, but similar in terms of its crumbly nature.

Managed to rush out to Swedish class, slightly late after experiencing Swedish rush hour for the first time. And then proceeded to have a very stressful class, because it was nothing like the little bit of Malay classes we took back in RV- the textbook had not a single bit of English, and everyone in class seemed to be following no problem.

Now some context regarding my choice of Swedish class- I was procrastinating on the decision and when I finally decided to sign up, I decided to sign up for Level 1 + Level 2 combined- which meant 20 lessons of Swedish, as compared to (as I would learn later) what some of the rest of the SMU people did which was Level 1 (10 lessons).

I mean, if I was going to be here five months, I might as well learn as much during that period right?

Gosh it is so difficult and so very stress inducing. The people sitting next to me? The China guy learnt Swedish before and could ask the teacher questions in Swedish. The girl from Netherlands is on her last semester of her bachelor degree here, and seems to get most of it. The guys on the next table seem to be from Germany, and as I learn, Swedish and German share a lot of similarities- as does Danish and Icelandic.

I turn around in my classroom to spot about only 5 Asian looking faces, which probably explains the pace of class being so fast. People could attune their ears to whatever the pronunciation was, and I wasn't- or people could get most of the keywords or grammar easily because they either learnt a foreign language similar before this or that was similar to the language they came from.

When the China guy tried to ask me questions from the textbook in Swedish, and I had to frantically scan the textbook to find out where on earth he was deriving the question from and to find the templated response... I just cracked.

Fortunately it was at the second hour mark, with a designated ten minutes break.

I was very glad when the class ended, but I didn't remember a single thing from the class. Not at all, not in the least.

Meanwhile the gathering in block 117 was already underway with the group photos and all, and I just wondered if I was needed there at all. If I wasn't, then gg because I had easily over 120 pineapple tarts. Fortunately they told me on the chat that they left food for me...

And really, the dinner was the best I had in a whole month- and probably going to be the best for the next few months.

They were starting to clear things away from the table already, but people immediately put plates in front of me with their dishes- Charlene took the claypot rice she made with Barrie to find chicken and nice parts of the pot for me. The rest offered me their steam fish, ba kua, a section of non stick pan of egg with tomatoes, steam egg,siew mai, chicken rice with chopped chicken, dumpling, and bak kut teh. It was delicious, and I was just downing as much as I could down so that they won't be thrown away.

One of the girls found it funny and told me I didn't have to rush my food, but it was nice- and so I wolfed down more food. And meantime, I was so relieved to find that people were fascinated and eating my pineapple tarts. They found it nice, and told me so- which I almost cannot believe because it is really too crumbly? But it was a good feeling knowing that they were going to eat it and they liked it.

The last dish was Tiramisu, and I swear that Benjamin is amazing. The tiramisu was lacking liqueur but it was utterly delicious! I regret only taking one spoonful. There was this piece of Tiramisu that dropped onto the table, and someone pointed it out and asked who did it. Though I did see who dropped it, she denied it and the Korean girl who stabbed at the fallen piece afterwards was assumed to be the one who dropped it and was teased- it didn't sit that well with me though I noticed afterwards that the first mentioned girl dropped another smaller piece and proceeded to pick it up immediately.

After that most of the rest left, because they had the Stockholm trip early tomorrow morning. (Which eventually it seems I wouldn't be joining them anyway) I was unsure whether I should follow them, but I ended up making the decision to stay and wait for Sidney and Patrina who would bring cards over.

It was a little awkward because of their choice of topic while waiting for them to come back, and I really contemplated leaving- but there was still a significant amount of pineapple tarts in my containers and I really hoped I didn't have to finish them all by myself?

In the end it seems to have been worth it? They started playing and teaching ban luck, which I kind of forgot but beginners luck seemed to converge on me.

They began first with the penalty being a forehead flick- and I managed to avoid the most of it and managed to not flick people too hard when they had to take their turn with the penalty. Ian and Tim were the most enthusiastic with getting their due penalities, and were very sporting. The Spanish guys they invited were also clearly enjoying themselves. There were many points that Timothy tried to keep everyone's volume down because there was already one disgruntled neighbour, but I think Ian couldn't stop his outbursts and we kind of end up following suit. Even though Timothy was just as entertaining in how he plays ban luck.

There was one epic lose when I took my turn being the banker though! I essentially had to go around the whole table to collect all the forehead flicks... And very few people actually flicked me properly. Timothy said that he wasn't going to flick me he's going to give me a hug which was like ??? and Barrie followed his lead in just patting the side of my fluffy down jacket. The rest of the guys did give me forehead flicks, but none of them being as extremely painful as I have seen them try to give each other. I had to remind them to actually DO flick me as the penalty was.

When the penalty got around to being drinking sips of the red wine that they had bought, my beginner's luck prevailed for some time more! I had only been penalised once until the last round or two. Dorothy had even better luck than me at one point though! Three sevens! Everyone drank.

There was a silly thumb game that we played and drank the last bit of the red wine. We cleared up and cleared out, but I know the bulk of the work will still be by the hosting guys Ian and Tim as they have been just now throughout the time I came until Tiramisu- I washed one pot while Barrie struck up a short conversation with me about the places Wayne and I visited and asked why I was trying to scrub the pot so much when it wasn't my pot. Which was a strange thought to have? But yups.

As we were all clearing out I got a thanks for coming in the form of a hug again from Tim? I don't actually know how he usually behaves but well I didn't really hug back partly from surprise and partly because my hands were wet from washing the cups. But I managed to convince Tim and Ian to take some of my pineapple tarts! I was so reassured to hear that Ian prefered this first batch of the day (he said the a bit of browning made it better but I didn't think so when I baked it??) and Tim proceeded to enthusiastically pack it into a tupperware to say that they will be using this as movie snacks! He stopped to leave me half the pineapple tarts but after I insisted they could take more (I had some that didn't fit into this container) he obliged to take even more. I was really very glad.

Well fed piggy and pineapple tarts ended up being evaluated as a success! It's a pleasant close to the long day.

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.





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Tan Jing Yee
River Valley High School
RVNP HotShots! (sec1'08)
Shuqun Primary School
28 July



~ some quotes ~

♥ But I think... I want to live with all my memories. Even if they're bad memories. Even if they're memories that only hurt me... that I'd rather forget. If I keep them and keep trying, without running away, then someday I'll be strong enough that those memories can't defeat me. I believe that because I want to think that there's no such thing as a memory that's ok to forget.

♥ Pain, suffering. It's pointless to just think about those things. The traveler (referring to "The Most Foolish Traveler" by Natsuki Takaya) didn't. That may be stupid to some people but that's not stupid to me. Yuki... Kyo... when you close your eyes, what do you think?

♥ Just as no matter how hard you try to keep it away... despair will attack you again and again. In the same manner hope will return to you. Again and again.

♥ Someday... no matter how cold it is now... the snow will melt. Without fail.

♥ For there to be pain, there has to be kindness. For darkness to stand out, there has to be the sun.

♥ Maybe I'm not perfect. Maybe I have a long way to go. But someday... someday I'll be able to stand and walk on my own. Without hurting anyone... and without being a burden.

♥ We're all born with selfish desires so we can relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is created individually by each person... So it's easy to misunderstand when someone is trying to be kind to you... But, Tohru, people's differences are something to celebrate.

♥ "And if when everything ends, nothing is left in my hands...that's alright."

♥ Mingling with people, hurting them, getting hurt by them. That's how you learn about people and about yourself. If you don't, you'll never care about anyone but yourself.

♥ I want to be the only one... who can help the one I care about.

♥ "I wish I could have lived... In a kind world. Without anxiety. Without fear. Without hurting other people. Without being hurt myself. Only doing the right things. I wish I could have followed... The shortest path... To the kind world I wish for. I wish... I could have lived my life... Without making any wrong turns. But that is impossible. A path like that doesn't exist. We fail. We trip. We get lost. We make mistakes. And little by little, one step at a time... we push forward. It's all we can do. On our own two feet. Even if we get a little banged up. Someday, we'll reach something. We'll reach someone. We pray."

♥ "Crowds used to make me wonder. How many people would notice if I disappeared? I used to mull over that kind of thing constantly... once upon a time. But now... I'm a little different. It's not like that. It doesn't have to be... A lot of people. Even if it's just one person. That's enough. Having one person... is an incredible thing. Because then... It can't be zero. I was happy. I was happy then, too. I was so happy, it tickled. In the midst of all those people... She singled me out... and found me. And it's the same thing now. Having someone other than yourself... thinking of you. Looking... for you. You can't take that for granted. It's a miraculous and blessed thing."

♥ "... please don't cry anymore. I know that happy things... and fun things.. eventually come to an end. But things that are scary and sad... come to an end too. They always do. Even if you can't always believe that... please don't give up. Live. I want you to live. Even if you make a mistake, even if you take the long way, it's still okay... Just please... please live. Don't give up on pushing forward. Please. At least don't give up on that. Even if I'm not... by your side."

♥ Often times in memory, we have the tendency to overly romanticize the people we care about.

♥ Humans may be fragile creatures, but they're not weak to the extent to being crushed by their painful memories even after they meet with something unfortunate. We're far more resilient that that. Everything will be alright.

♥ "Don't worry, Kanade. What a person has actually gone through is unexpectedly different from what he remembers. Even though that gap may leave him feeling sad sometimes... Even the most vivdly clear memory... will change with time eventually."

♥ "Humans are amazing. Even though they may not see something physically... They'll still sense it. Everything else is the same. If you work hard, others will know that you work hard. If you don't work hard, others will know that you don't work hard."

♥ "Someday... You'll find someone who'll know all your good and bad points... And who'll still love you all the same."

♥ If... There was ever a Land of the Blindfolded, will the people of that land... Understand what it's like to have your blindfold come undone? Even if... Most people will never understand us... There might just be... Someone who can do that. It isn't easy to understand people's feelings... But that doesn't mean... That you're alone.

♥ It is not violence that best overcomes hate — nor vengeance that most certainly heals injury.

♥ The real courage is living and suffering for what you believe.

♥ “If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”

♥ Do not pity the dead, Harry, pity the living. Above all pity those who live without love.

♥ 每一段记忆,都有一个密码。只要时间,地点,人物组合正确,无论尘封多久,那人那景都将在遗忘中重新拾起。你也许会说“不是都过去了吗?”其实过去的只是时间,你依然逃不出,想起了就微笑或悲伤的宿命,那种宿命本叫“无能为力”。




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