Sunday, January 3, 2016 5:15 PM
It's all in my mind.
1.
"The receipt of this scholarship places you in a privileged position."
So little does one usually think about what "privileged" means, but with the end of the road in sight it is necessary to look into what I have learnt in the three semesters of being a "scholar" with all the accompanying advantages.
Being in the scholarship gave me the key to luxuries that people rarely get to enjoy. Coming from a family that would otherwise need to be bogged down by loans, being exempt from paying school fees is a privilege. When applying for something that speaks to me like my OCSP, Pendeza, being sheltered from financial concerns both times when I made the decision to join as member and when I decided to return as org comm is a privilege. I have had the good fortune of being allowed liberty to choose independent of finances.
In an age whereby being a university graduate does not secure one a well-paying job in and of itself, I have seen for myself people with great potential limited in their choice due to finances. Friends who have chosen their majors based on the fact that it pays, even if it's something they are disinterested in. Early on the journey in SMU, it was precisely because I was not cognitively burdened with a pressing need to make good on each term's school fees that I was liberated to decide based on interest, passion, personal meaning, and even knowledge for knowledge's sake.
Perhaps the intention for a reflection was merely what went wrong and what the proposed solution for next semester is. I can no longer answer why I failed to hit the GPA requirements. But to an extent, the answer no longer matters in the context of the scholarship so kindly extended to me for the three semesters that I obtained less than the expected grades.
To what end when I identify my weakness in class participation, the key reason why I chose to try for SMU over other local universities? To whose benefit would it be if I realise that my inability to adapt to my different professors' preferred writing styles would inevitably leave their mark on my GPA? It no longer matters because if others could do it, there does not appear to be any reason why I could not likewise. So many double degree friends and scholar seniors have shown that they could do it, and had faith that I could too. It doesn't matter now.
Perhaps at this point the only relevant reflection would be that I do not want any of my juniors to have to feel the same as I did- and still do. Perhaps they would never need to, made of more mettle or aptitude than I- but for the few who do, how I wish otherwise.
2. The long journey on a downwards spiral
"Circumstances reveal man to himself." Indeed, the scholarship intentionally and unintentionally allowed me to know more about myself.
The first semester coming into SMU was one of wonder and excitement. Besides the new school environment, there was wonder- things glowed brighter when looking through the lenses of added confidence. I learnt how external validation worked on my self esteem, how it buffered even as I took time to orientate myself and get used to school.
The second semester was spent stalked by caution. It was hard not to- I missed the mark by a small bit, and my peers reminded me that that was no predictor of how the second semester would turn out. Regardless, fear appeared at every corner- the fear of disappointing expectations, the fear of redirecting my energy by taking on new opportunities. To the friends who said that I had what it took to take on particular opportunities, I declined- fearful of failing to meet expectations just as I have done with my scholarship. The recurrent thought was that it was a mistake- perhaps I was simply good at projecting an image of my capabilities. Perhaps that was the same reason why I managed to get into the scholarship programme, but if I couldn't even live up to those expectations and settle my academics, how would I be able to promise anything else? In retrospect, the idea of holding the scholarship was no longer a liberator. It was a yardstick for my capabilities, and the inability to reach the vague but glowing label of what it meant to be a scholar created a lot of self doubt and inadequacy.
The third semester began with all those self doubts proving themselves true. The despair led to even more tiptoeing. I bothered with only four CUs, and for the first time making mainly practical decisions about the modules, trying to create the best environment for my GPA not to take a beating. Stats professor who did not assign group work; four CUs instead of five because the latter may cost too much time. I should have realised that controlling for the superficial variables would make no difference, when my emotional wellbeing was in shambles.
It was amazing how things ended up looking like obstacles on every juncture. As much as I was reminded to get help from MWKLWC, I felt that I couldn't bring myself to- it was ironic that I was a peer helper and it just made me feel even more like a hypocrite. I didn't bother keeping up with SMUSP events or even my Smuggles group because I felt that I was a fake.
The scholarship had by this time morphed into a point of shame. Self-defeating perspectives had already set in a stone cold truths: that the admissions office must have made some mistake, that it was a fluke- why else would I fail to hit the GPA requirements twice? I even worsened my class participation grades due to the doubt I had anything to contribute to class at all- people most likely already knew.
Before half the semester was over I already despaired of hitting 3.4. I already believed that the scholarship was better invested in individuals with greater potential, and if my losing the scholarship meant resources better redirected at someone else more worthy then they really ought get it instead of me. And there were so many glorious individuals that I saw so much more deserving of the opportunity.
It did not help that I drew a blank on the most important question that I had never failed to answer with certainty: what do I want to do with my life? The answer I had been so steadfastly able to answer post A levels was no longer clear to me, my ideals corrupted with anxiety, insecurity, and any excess energy was put into staying afloat instead of striving for meaning in my life.
None of this matters in explaining why I did not manage to accomplish the modest requirement of 3.4. And none of this would matter anymore if I lose the scholarship, where it would be closed behind heavy wooden doors, padlocked and stowed away before I grow the strength to deal with it with candidness. Yet was just a single moment in the semester when it seemed even possible that I was not the only one experiencing such feelings; when I read the article 'Who gets to Graduate', Tough (2014). How doubts on ability were particularly virulent at moments of educational transitions, and for students from lower income backgrounds, this perceived lack of ability affected their perception of belonging. And this sense of helplessness stopped the change needed to get themselves out of this cycle.
Would the solution lie in a systematic change, or an introduction of a new requirement? Somehow I doubt that, because there are technically opportunities for the scholars to reach out- to their mentors, to the Wellness centre, to their friends, to their family members. One could argue that the onus lies with the individuals who choose to or choose not to utilise such avenues. But when in despair those opportunities only appear to be bubbles in the cutting night air with greater consequences than value add. And it is not easy to admit such vulnerability to fellow scholars, nor is it easy to tell non-scholars for a different set of reasons altogether.
Can things be changed? Should individuals be helped? Is there even the need to bother about individual well-being when there are larger scores of students to be developed to the best of their potential? Those are not questions I am in the position to answer objectively, and my only personal take is that where a problem is identified and there's a potential for solving the problem for others' benefit, it should be undertaken.
3. Reconciling the idea of scholars and non-scholars
This scholarship presented me the opportunity to be forced into holding two perspectives at any one time. Being put in a privileged position, yet wavering in such a precarious state meant that I didn't feel like I belonged amongst the scholars, nor could I presume to think that I identified with a regular student.
Defensiveness was not something I would muster when I heard from my non-scholar friend, how in her school, the scholars were being exclusive. When she got agitated about how her Final Year Project would end up given that all the A coders only chose to stick with each other, it was not a need for justification I felt on behalf of the scholars. But having gotten a free pass into entering groups before, it was easy to imagine how the privileged to stick to what was comfortable, what was beneficial, consistently being buffered from dealing with complicated dynamics that arise from interaction with people of differing values and working ethic.
As I slipped even further, the scholars in SMU were but a distant hazy group, to an extent seen as peers but with no reason to feel indignant for, against, or proud of.
Those who were real were only the individuals- she who put herself and her whole team to harsher, higher standards, even as she was so kindly and supportive to her scholar mentees. I had no illusions when I cringed at the faux pas by a fellow scholar who audibly asked me in class before our prospective group mates whether the rest of our suggested team were people who could do work.
When classmates in social stratification class complained that scholars had so many opportunities given to them based off one examination, I saw their point. I saw the divergence in life chances, and yet really, who chose what extent the scholars would gain? Meritocracy rewarded merit- but really, to what extent can scholars ever be justified in getting opportunities that can speed them along exponentially? To what extent are the resources better given to others who know how to make good of the opportunities, the money saved on education, or are there even means to guide scholars on how to maximise what they gain from this programme?
Listening to the skeptical, I heard in their dissatisfaction the truth that scholars are still fundamentally humans- and I wonder what I was doing in the Programme taking up these resources when I am so far from the infallible and all-rounded dean listers that may embody the idealised version of what it means to be a scholar.
Recently, CSD sent an email about rebranding SMUSP. But to whom does SMUSP need rebranding to? On the most practical note, prospective students. On a more meaningful level, would rebranding need to begin with the scholars taking ownership of the image they create amongst the majority of non-scholars in SMU?
Assuming that scarcity would create a zero sum game in terms of resources, would improving the benefits provided to the scholars even be fair when the benefits are thus congregated in a small segment of the school population?
4. A full stop
The entire length of my reflection thus far has been structured more like a stream of consciousness than a coherent reflection. It may very well be words splurged too much on experiences that constitute to others clearly a private trouble. I must apologise for irrelevance.
I will not be in the position to know who else struggles on the journey of reconciling their stumbles to the label of a scholar, and perhaps this is a non-issue, one more personal obstacle that I did not cross successfully. All I hope would be that no one needs to undertake this journey alone as the voices of despair grow closer and bleaker with every strike out.
I will not be able to evaluate objectively whether or not the image of SMUSP scholars matter to the rest of the school population, and whether or not scholars should be pushed to avoiding the label of exclusivity, whether or not they should have to risk their GPA grouping with "wild cards" who may or may not cause their GPA to take a dip.
But even on the off chance that these are questions worth looking at, the solution does not lie in me. When the gears to problem solving start turning and things begin to get implemented, the gates would already have swung themselves close behind me.
Because by this stage, I do not have any reason to ask for another chance. There is really no reason for anyone to believe that given another opportunity, I would finally have made a magical click that ensures that my GPA surges above 3.4- and even less reason when it's not even something I can believe for myself. The only thing I can promise myself is that I will redirect my energies to rediscovering my personal meaning within the modules I study, for direct application on my OCSP and clarifying my personal journey. And with the support of my peers who magically have such trust in me, that I will fling myself off more cliffs and try to develop wings on the way down.
