The void sucks me in.

Thursday, July 3, 2014 8:53 AM

It's all in my mind.

Let me apologise in advance, if through this post I sound obnoxious. And apologise again, for this is not going to be exactly a pleasant read. It's about my birthday.

Many of my friends have found that, particularly in the last two years or so, I was quite stubborn about not getting my birthday celebrated. That said, year after year I continually get surprised by how much thought I receive from them- the love and the remembrance that evokes a different kind of warmth in me... Even when the vehicle was finding loopholes in the way I voiced my request.

Please don't get me wrong. I really appreciate it- everyone who remembered, and wished me a happy birthday; friends who went out of their way to do me a note, choose me a gift, all who went out of my way to remind me that I was loved.

But this year... Please let it be different. Please let me have my way, and do me the favour of taking my seemingly nonsensical request seriously.

Don't celebrate my birthday.
Don't shower me with presents.
If possible, don't remember it at all.

Too many negative connotations from long ago, that ceased my fascination with the day I was born almost alongside my fascination for having cake for the sake of blowing out the candles.
Too many negative connotations, that inevitably weave themselves into my perspectives.
Too many negative connotations. After 2011 I'm finally putting my foot down.

A few responses might arise at this juncture- but it really isn't about changing those negative connotations; those negative connotations merely pushed me towards seeing how my birthday is merely another day, in 365 days a year, in an infinite number of years our world will live to see. And in spite of my opinion towards my own I would love to celebrate my friends' birthdays. It's a time for showing remembrance of the fact that I'm blessed to have met them, to have them so long by me... And to build more memories particularly on this day they value. It's something they've done for me, too- taking time off their schedule where possible, putting thought into purchases and planning. It's something I want to do for them too.

Ironic. All this can be reversed to rebut my decision. And despite thinking this myself I unfairly decide that my friends should yield to my feelings instead of logic that is as clear as day.

But I really don't value that day for myself, and wish that my friends don't value it for my sake. This is really not about seeing if anyone remembered my birthday. It's not about seeing if anyone is bothered enough to find ways around my request to celebrate for me regardless.

Time will continue in an endless stream, birthday or not. I'm just another human in this wide wide planet- let me be that, on this day as with all other 364 days a year.

Just let me be selfish about this, and let me have my way. It's the ultimate sign of acknowledgement- allowing for my perspective, reluctantly or not, and choosing to yield to that, despite what courtesy and custom usually enforce.

I just want to be as ordinary on that day as I always am.

I won't be making a wish over a cake dotted with candles anymore. I won't close my eyes to mutely wish.

But if I were to wish this year, it'd be that I get to stay in contact with my friends. More so this year than in previous years, precisely because the thread that had led us to meet each other had been cut. We're all at a new and different phase of life. We're going to grow, learn, and experience things that will change us as people in our journey of growing up.

Meeting my friends have filled pages and pages of my life with colourful ink strokes, guiding me out of oblivion, staying with me through the darkness, and lit the orbs that gifts me sight.

While my lack of initiative in creating meet ups may show otherwise... It's really something that cannot be written off.

... July 2014. Let me be done the favour of being obliged by those who know me best.

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

~ Profile ~

Tan Jing Yee
River Valley High School
RVNP HotShots! (sec1'08)
~~Shuqun Primary School~~
28 July

~ some quotes ~

♥ But I think... I want to live with all my memories. Even if they're bad memories. Even if they're memories that only hurt me... that I'd rather forget. If I keep them and keep trying, without running away, then someday I'll be strong enough that those memories can't defeat me. I believe that because I want to think that there's no such thing as a memory that's ok to forget.

♥ Pain, suffering. It's pointless to just think about those things. The traveler (referring to "The Most Foolish Traveler" by Natsuki Takaya) didn't. That may be stupid to some people but that's not stupid to me. Yuki... Kyo... when you close your eyes, what do you think?

♥ Just as no matter how hard you try to keep it away... despair will attack you again and again. In the same manner hope will return to you. Again and again.

♥ Someday... no matter how cold it is now... the snow will melt. Without fail.

♥ For there to be pain, there has to be kindness. For darkness to stand out, there has to be the sun.

♥ Maybe I'm not perfect. Maybe I have a long way to go. But someday... someday I'll be able to stand and walk on my own. Without hurting anyone... and without being a burden.

♥ We're all born with selfish desires so we can relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is created individually by each person... So it's easy to misunderstand when someone is trying to be kind to you... But, Tohru, people's differences are something to celebrate.

♥ "And if when everything ends, nothing is left in my hands...that's alright."

♥ Mingling with people, hurting them, getting hurt by them. That's how you learn about people and about yourself. If you don't, you'll never care about anyone but yourself.

♥ I want to be the only one... who can help the one I care about.

♥ "I wish I could have lived... In a kind world. Without anxiety. Without fear. Without hurting other people. Without being hurt myself. Only doing the right things. I wish I could have followed... The shortest path... To the kind world I wish for. I wish... I could have lived my life... Without making any wrong turns. But that is impossible. A path like that doesn't exist. We fail. We trip. We get lost. We make mistakes. And little by little, one step at a time... we push forward. It's all we can do. On our own two feet. Even if we get a little banged up. Someday, we'll reach something. We'll reach someone. We pray."

♥ "Crowds used to make me wonder. How many people would notice if I disappeared? I used to mull over that kind of thing constantly... once upon a time. But now... I'm a little different. It's not like that. It doesn't have to be... A lot of people. Even if it's just one person. That's enough. Having one person... is an incredible thing. Because then... It can't be zero. I was happy. I was happy then, too. I was so happy, it tickled. In the midst of all those people... She singled me out... and found me. And it's the same thing now. Having someone other than yourself... thinking of you. Looking... for you. You can't take that for granted. It's a miraculous and blessed thing."

♥ "... please don't cry anymore. I know that happy things... and fun things.. eventually come to an end. But things that are scary and sad... come to an end too. They always do. Even if you can't always believe that... please don't give up. Live. I want you to live. Even if you make a mistake, even if you take the long way, it's still okay... Just please... please live. Don't give up on pushing forward. Please. At least don't give up on that. Even if I'm not... by your side."

♥ Often times in memory, we have the tendency to overly romanticize the people we care about.

♥ Humans may be fragile creatures, but they're not weak to the extent to being crushed by their painful memories even after they meet with something unfortunate. We're far more resilient that that. Everything will be alright.

♥ "Don't worry, Kanade. What a person has actually gone through is unexpectedly different from what he remembers. Even though that gap may leave him feeling sad sometimes... Even the most vivdly clear memory... will change with time eventually."

♥ "Humans are amazing. Even though they may not see something physically... They'll still sense it. Everything else is the same. If you work hard, others will know that you work hard. If you don't work hard, others will know that you don't work hard."

♥ "Someday... You'll find someone who'll know all your good and bad points... And who'll still love you all the same."

♥ If... There was ever a Land of the Blindfolded, will the people of that land... Understand what it's like to have your blindfold come undone? Even if... Most people will never understand us... There might just be... Someone who can do that. It isn't easy to understand people's feelings... But that doesn't mean... That you're alone.

♥ It is not violence that best overcomes hate — nor vengeance that most certainly heals injury.

♥ The real courage is living and suffering for what you believe.

♥ “If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”

♥ Do not pity the dead, Harry, pity the living. Above all pity those who live without love.

♥ 每一段记忆，都有一个密码。只要时间，地点，人物组合正确，无论尘封多久，那人那景都将在遗忘中重新拾起。你也许会说“不是都过去了吗？”其实过去的只是时间，你依然逃不出，想起了就微笑或悲伤的宿命，那种宿命本叫“无能为力”。

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