Saturday, December 7, 2013 8:53 PM
It's all in my mind.
Prom, 5 December 2013.
When I look at the whole thing, I wonder if it turned out to be worth it.
I feel almost obligated to have a long post about it, since there is great significance in the final large scaled meeting of people in our cohort, and in the celebration thrown for us by the juniors as some rite of passage, or present for graduating. I mean, the prom committee even bothered to make 'Masquerade' a success by preparing pretty masks for everyone.
And yet, I wonder. Because what I thought I saw was just the usual. People approaching their friends- both close friends and those whom they have not caught up with in light of A levels. At least for me, the groups were fragmented as usual. The fact that it was the last time we were seeing each other... Did not somehow bring about a bond that resonated through the whole cohort
Though I suppose, this is a very subjective observation, dependent on how 2I, 4E and 6N did not seem to feel a need enough to get a group photo. A very pessimistic one too, given how they may well have made up for the lack of a group photo with individual shots.
Still, thinking of in such a manner wouldn't do justice to the fun I had, I suppose. For the fact that it was an occasion which allowed me to catch up with the friends I wanted to, even if I did not have much time to spend with them, I was happy.
For the fact that I had an enjoyable afternoon with Huili, Yee Shin, Lynette and Simin, I'm glad. We really had quite a lot of fun, from lunch together to playing bridge in Huili's room. Of course I'm biased because I love playing bridge, but well. There was some sort of comfort in the preparation process when done with friends.
For the fact that I was at a table with people I knew and were reasonably comfortable with, I'm grateful. While I doubt there was conversation that engaged the entire table, there was simply this sense of safety... and of knowing I really should be happy. What more could I ask for, really? I simply hope I didn't manage to bore or irk Jack, since I was seated beside the one person I really did not know...
For the fact that Yee Shin said she calmed down in my presence, I'm honoured. I suppose it's no merit of mine, if it's not a skill I honed and such. But still.
And yet the other small little things come in... Making me insecure in a way.
The horrible way I handled the turn of events right at the start of prom. Not keeping the presence of mind or my random jokes to diffuse the situation, and combating the tension of not being able to take control of the situation (or at least prevent two people from figuratively walking into the way of an oncoming train) with throwing the tension around... worsening the situation. Huili almost snapped and walked off. I rather owe Henry, and the other girls for handling the state of affairs with the presence of mind I lacked.
My makeup. I wanted to look myself, but ended up far from it. It was interesting as I got comments on how people could not recognise me, such as from Shou, Chen Fang, Lucy, Amanda, Freda, the most epic of which was from Kahyan, Peihao and Xing Yao. While also told that I'm pretty, as the night progressed I just credit the makeup and social obligations.
But as I reflect, I doubt it was worth it. I found the girls whose makeup was simple and sufficient really beautiful, and it struck me that that was, if not 清秀, close to it. The degree of change wrought onto my features, such as shaping my eyebrows and attempting to make it perfection instead of myself...Well. I should like to be myself, from now on. I don't think I'm cut out to look perfect, and an attempt to do so would simply look strange beside those who are naturally stunning. Be your own kind of beautiful- that's what was written on the bookmark Ms Chong gave. I had momentarily forgotten it- but to feel happy being and looking myself.... ought to be a worthy goal.
