The void sucks me in.

Saturday, October 12, 2013 10:49 PM

It's all in my mind.

I said I wasn't affected.

That was the right answer to give, because it would serve no purpose to say otherwise. Getting apologies from you on his behalf definitely isn't what I'm looking out for. It was a socially correct answer and a half truth.

Since I know that I don't need his validation to be okay with myself, I can dismiss his words more readily.
Since I know that you don't share the same opinion, I can interpret it as a difference in perception and preferences.

Since I am not inclined to start World War III,
Since I'm aware that it's his tendency to voice such things,
Since I can acknowledge that I don't put much thought into my dressing, much effort into my appearance,
I can dismiss it.
I can brush it off.
But I can't say I won't think about it.

I wonder if you observed a break in my behavior. It bothers me that my attempt to radiate confident impassivity didn't turn out all well.
It was bordering on flight mode, bordering on defensive.

It was nice of you to stand up for me, but there really wasn't a point. I wasn't going to take his words to heart.
闹翻的话又怎样？赢了有用吗？
Unpleasantness all around- over something as small as ego?

It is not his words that get to me. It is not his criticism that gets to me. It's the implications, and the implications stem from my mind alone.

There are people out there who do simply speak their mind, who do not adhere to the social restrictions on "proper", polite behaviour. Their adherence to frankness, or a natural brusque manner...
Or was it that I really have been living in a bubble my whole life, sheltered from the unpleasant in the world?

A modern May Welland.
I have my ideals, and in them I really don't live in the same reality as others do.
In my ideal, there is liberty to value different things. There should be freedom to think different things.
But while I attempt to live out my ideal, I get reminded that not everyone works by this vision.

It is how it resonates with my own, deeper insecurities that it bothers me.

It made me wonder too, the effect of being surrounded by similar people. To require an iron hard defence, to depend on a strength that originates from within, to grip it securely enough to remind yourself every moment that you live for a greater purpose than being picked on.

Is it possible? Would self-esteem be shattered beyond repair? Would it bring about intangible effects on one's psyche?

To see the faults of the person throwing criticism at you, to credit its truth, to recognise its inadequacies, to realise that they are merely, like you, fallible humans-

"Such is the imperfect nature of man! such spots are there on the disc of the clearest planet; and eyes like Miss Scatcherd’s can only see those minute defects, and are blind to the full brightness of the orb."

Would it be asking too much of stoicism? Would it be asking too much of confidence? Would it still value reality as it should?

As he attempted to ironically follow your suggestion of saying something nice for a change, it struck me that he had nothing to say.

The shirt- it falls flat.
How I look better- taking into context everything else, he'd already given a valuation of the insignificance of that, hasn't he?
My personality-
It was the closest try for peacemaking. Unfortunate, therefore, that he has always only known but one facet of it. How would he have known my personality enough to make a comment that sounds sincere?

“If you and I were destined to live always together, cousin, we would commence matters on a different footing. I should not settle tamely down into being the forbearing party;"

Frankness does serve. It really does. It's precious because it comes so rarely.
A critical eye is important. It really is, because people with real knowledge and sense enough may be rare.

But to be continually caught up by appearance! It seems the formula for viewing things through narrow lenses, getting an incomplete picture of the environment, and by that a skewed human experience.

Yet in the end, who am I to talk? Me of all people- me, when I live in a bubble.

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

~ Profile ~

Tan Jing Yee
River Valley High School
RVNP HotShots! (sec1'08)
~~Shuqun Primary School~~
28 July

~ some quotes ~

♥ But I think... I want to live with all my memories. Even if they're bad memories. Even if they're memories that only hurt me... that I'd rather forget. If I keep them and keep trying, without running away, then someday I'll be strong enough that those memories can't defeat me. I believe that because I want to think that there's no such thing as a memory that's ok to forget.

♥ Pain, suffering. It's pointless to just think about those things. The traveler (referring to "The Most Foolish Traveler" by Natsuki Takaya) didn't. That may be stupid to some people but that's not stupid to me. Yuki... Kyo... when you close your eyes, what do you think?

♥ Just as no matter how hard you try to keep it away... despair will attack you again and again. In the same manner hope will return to you. Again and again.

♥ Someday... no matter how cold it is now... the snow will melt. Without fail.

♥ For there to be pain, there has to be kindness. For darkness to stand out, there has to be the sun.

♥ Maybe I'm not perfect. Maybe I have a long way to go. But someday... someday I'll be able to stand and walk on my own. Without hurting anyone... and without being a burden.

♥ We're all born with selfish desires so we can relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is created individually by each person... So it's easy to misunderstand when someone is trying to be kind to you... But, Tohru, people's differences are something to celebrate.

♥ "And if when everything ends, nothing is left in my hands...that's alright."

♥ Mingling with people, hurting them, getting hurt by them. That's how you learn about people and about yourself. If you don't, you'll never care about anyone but yourself.

♥ I want to be the only one... who can help the one I care about.

♥ "I wish I could have lived... In a kind world. Without anxiety. Without fear. Without hurting other people. Without being hurt myself. Only doing the right things. I wish I could have followed... The shortest path... To the kind world I wish for. I wish... I could have lived my life... Without making any wrong turns. But that is impossible. A path like that doesn't exist. We fail. We trip. We get lost. We make mistakes. And little by little, one step at a time... we push forward. It's all we can do. On our own two feet. Even if we get a little banged up. Someday, we'll reach something. We'll reach someone. We pray."

♥ "Crowds used to make me wonder. How many people would notice if I disappeared? I used to mull over that kind of thing constantly... once upon a time. But now... I'm a little different. It's not like that. It doesn't have to be... A lot of people. Even if it's just one person. That's enough. Having one person... is an incredible thing. Because then... It can't be zero. I was happy. I was happy then, too. I was so happy, it tickled. In the midst of all those people... She singled me out... and found me. And it's the same thing now. Having someone other than yourself... thinking of you. Looking... for you. You can't take that for granted. It's a miraculous and blessed thing."

♥ "... please don't cry anymore. I know that happy things... and fun things.. eventually come to an end. But things that are scary and sad... come to an end too. They always do. Even if you can't always believe that... please don't give up. Live. I want you to live. Even if you make a mistake, even if you take the long way, it's still okay... Just please... please live. Don't give up on pushing forward. Please. At least don't give up on that. Even if I'm not... by your side."

♥ Often times in memory, we have the tendency to overly romanticize the people we care about.

♥ Humans may be fragile creatures, but they're not weak to the extent to being crushed by their painful memories even after they meet with something unfortunate. We're far more resilient that that. Everything will be alright.

♥ "Don't worry, Kanade. What a person has actually gone through is unexpectedly different from what he remembers. Even though that gap may leave him feeling sad sometimes... Even the most vivdly clear memory... will change with time eventually."

♥ "Humans are amazing. Even though they may not see something physically... They'll still sense it. Everything else is the same. If you work hard, others will know that you work hard. If you don't work hard, others will know that you don't work hard."

♥ "Someday... You'll find someone who'll know all your good and bad points... And who'll still love you all the same."

♥ If... There was ever a Land of the Blindfolded, will the people of that land... Understand what it's like to have your blindfold come undone? Even if... Most people will never understand us... There might just be... Someone who can do that. It isn't easy to understand people's feelings... But that doesn't mean... That you're alone.

♥ It is not violence that best overcomes hate — nor vengeance that most certainly heals injury.

♥ The real courage is living and suffering for what you believe.

♥ “If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”

♥ Do not pity the dead, Harry, pity the living. Above all pity those who live without love.

♥ 每一段记忆，都有一个密码。只要时间，地点，人物组合正确，无论尘封多久，那人那景都将在遗忘中重新拾起。你也许会说“不是都过去了吗？”其实过去的只是时间，你依然逃不出，想起了就微笑或悲伤的宿命，那种宿命本叫“无能为力”。

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