The void sucks me in.

Friday, October 11, 2013 11:10 PM

It's all in my mind.

9 October

Everything seemed to finally go back into perspective.

By the contrast, implicit; by the contrast, across time.
Something in me registers it. Something stirs in my vault of memories, but I know now it's not my place to open them.
They never will need to be opened.

I realised that I'd been wandering towards the wrong train of thoughts. Conveniently forgetting the lesson Pip needed to learn- sometimes the past cannot be returned to just because you will it to. Time moved on.

The second time I saw you then, I was at better peace with the vault, that which has frequently lurked under the surface.

I sometimes entertain myself with the belief that people who scrutinise closer would be able to see. It would have accounted for why you seemed to always see- always get it right.

Would that opinion credit you too much, I wonder.

It seems so obvious to me- but what people find obvious I'm oblivious of.

Everything is back in perspective, believe me. My mind wandered in strange directions, my expressions in strange constructions- but I finally have sorted this out.

Since I can't defeat time, the next best would be to reconcile myself to the effects of time.
Something I've always resisted, but I find myself forced to learn, coerced into accepting.

This time though, I make my peace with the hand of time.

11 October

The littlest of things perhaps. But it made me remember the enthusiasm with which you said hi last time. It reminded me of a time that was much closer, much less controlled by arbitrary restraints.

It's a pity we've both grown up.
It's a pity we've drifted.
When I get caught up with looking inwards, the only effect of negating that thought is to make me wonder... If we were that far to begin with.

Arbitrary restraints.
It seems that I surround myself with them. They overlap sometimes in such inexplicable ways, so that I myself fear the being that I am.

Who'd I be to complain about the fearful complex world, when I myself am a culprit of complicating things?

The ability to reason is one I won't give up for the world. But I fear exploiting it.
I fear that I will twist black to white, twist truth to excuses, twist wrong to right.
I fear overconfidence, I fear forgetting who I am.

Who am I?

As we read that extract from "The second Mrs Tanqueray", I found my insecurities flooding back to me.

With some people, I seem to behave in one way... With others, some other way. For some I rouse myself, manage to become... foolish, hyper, chatty, stupid. For some I treat with near formality, smiles restricted thus likewise.

It makes me wonder. When I stand before the eyes of judgement, how deep am I in for it under the charge of hypocrisy?

For you, they are restricted even more. Intentionally.
I wonder if you noticed, realised, bothered. I wouldn't know.

One thing flits distinctly out of the haze that is my brain- one thing I know for sure.

I'm not a good person.

Everything considered... I'm not a good person.
Perhaps all I've had these while is the amazing ability to look the part.

"Propriety" is not my favourite word.
"Image" might on the other hand make it somewhere near.
Without it, I'm not sure what's left.

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

~ Profile ~

Tan Jing Yee
River Valley High School
RVNP HotShots! (sec1'08)
~~Shuqun Primary School~~
28 July

~ some quotes ~

♥ But I think... I want to live with all my memories. Even if they're bad memories. Even if they're memories that only hurt me... that I'd rather forget. If I keep them and keep trying, without running away, then someday I'll be strong enough that those memories can't defeat me. I believe that because I want to think that there's no such thing as a memory that's ok to forget.

♥ Pain, suffering. It's pointless to just think about those things. The traveler (referring to "The Most Foolish Traveler" by Natsuki Takaya) didn't. That may be stupid to some people but that's not stupid to me. Yuki... Kyo... when you close your eyes, what do you think?

♥ Just as no matter how hard you try to keep it away... despair will attack you again and again. In the same manner hope will return to you. Again and again.

♥ Someday... no matter how cold it is now... the snow will melt. Without fail.

♥ For there to be pain, there has to be kindness. For darkness to stand out, there has to be the sun.

♥ Maybe I'm not perfect. Maybe I have a long way to go. But someday... someday I'll be able to stand and walk on my own. Without hurting anyone... and without being a burden.

♥ We're all born with selfish desires so we can relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is created individually by each person... So it's easy to misunderstand when someone is trying to be kind to you... But, Tohru, people's differences are something to celebrate.

♥ "And if when everything ends, nothing is left in my hands...that's alright."

♥ Mingling with people, hurting them, getting hurt by them. That's how you learn about people and about yourself. If you don't, you'll never care about anyone but yourself.

♥ I want to be the only one... who can help the one I care about.

♥ "I wish I could have lived... In a kind world. Without anxiety. Without fear. Without hurting other people. Without being hurt myself. Only doing the right things. I wish I could have followed... The shortest path... To the kind world I wish for. I wish... I could have lived my life... Without making any wrong turns. But that is impossible. A path like that doesn't exist. We fail. We trip. We get lost. We make mistakes. And little by little, one step at a time... we push forward. It's all we can do. On our own two feet. Even if we get a little banged up. Someday, we'll reach something. We'll reach someone. We pray."

♥ "Crowds used to make me wonder. How many people would notice if I disappeared? I used to mull over that kind of thing constantly... once upon a time. But now... I'm a little different. It's not like that. It doesn't have to be... A lot of people. Even if it's just one person. That's enough. Having one person... is an incredible thing. Because then... It can't be zero. I was happy. I was happy then, too. I was so happy, it tickled. In the midst of all those people... She singled me out... and found me. And it's the same thing now. Having someone other than yourself... thinking of you. Looking... for you. You can't take that for granted. It's a miraculous and blessed thing."

♥ "... please don't cry anymore. I know that happy things... and fun things.. eventually come to an end. But things that are scary and sad... come to an end too. They always do. Even if you can't always believe that... please don't give up. Live. I want you to live. Even if you make a mistake, even if you take the long way, it's still okay... Just please... please live. Don't give up on pushing forward. Please. At least don't give up on that. Even if I'm not... by your side."

♥ Often times in memory, we have the tendency to overly romanticize the people we care about.

♥ Humans may be fragile creatures, but they're not weak to the extent to being crushed by their painful memories even after they meet with something unfortunate. We're far more resilient that that. Everything will be alright.

♥ "Don't worry, Kanade. What a person has actually gone through is unexpectedly different from what he remembers. Even though that gap may leave him feeling sad sometimes... Even the most vivdly clear memory... will change with time eventually."

♥ "Humans are amazing. Even though they may not see something physically... They'll still sense it. Everything else is the same. If you work hard, others will know that you work hard. If you don't work hard, others will know that you don't work hard."

♥ "Someday... You'll find someone who'll know all your good and bad points... And who'll still love you all the same."

♥ If... There was ever a Land of the Blindfolded, will the people of that land... Understand what it's like to have your blindfold come undone? Even if... Most people will never understand us... There might just be... Someone who can do that. It isn't easy to understand people's feelings... But that doesn't mean... That you're alone.

♥ It is not violence that best overcomes hate — nor vengeance that most certainly heals injury.

♥ The real courage is living and suffering for what you believe.

♥ “If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”

♥ Do not pity the dead, Harry, pity the living. Above all pity those who live without love.

♥ 每一段记忆，都有一个密码。只要时间，地点，人物组合正确，无论尘封多久，那人那景都将在遗忘中重新拾起。你也许会说“不是都过去了吗？”其实过去的只是时间，你依然逃不出，想起了就微笑或悲伤的宿命，那种宿命本叫“无能为力”。

~ Leave your mark~

~Memories~

Click To View

~ Exits ~

Click To View

~ Credits ~