Monday, October 21, 2013 2:13 AM
It's all in my mind.
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| 30 for graduation, the white-grey one being my own. ^^ |
I didn't know the letters would take so long. In retrospect, of course, I should have known.
The law of diminishing marginal utility- can I use it on the efficiency of my brain?
At about 2.50am my mind was spinning. I didn't know I was so weak- I'd lasted fine when I stayed up for the first day of YES. I was counting on it- I functioned fine until 11am then, on nothing. And yet this is the time I really didn't want to give up staying up.
3am, I set an alarm, and went to rest away from my bed... Thinking that if I went to my bed, I probably wouldn't be able to pull myself up. The alarm frightened me awake. Thank heavens it did- I was left with significantly less letters, but to a brain that was sluggish... The challenge was tenfold.
I'd struggled with Amanda's about 2, and got so exasperated midway as I realised that it was incoherent. When I returned to it at 4, I found that I knew what I wanted to say- the ideas that had previously run in circles took form. At least I could get a grip with the things I wanted to say. Vocabulary escaped me, but I had better things to do than to curse nature.
At 6, I truly began panicking in earnest. With my mind being drained of the words I wanted to use, the expressions I wanted to use.
With a growing sense of dread, I realised that I shouldn't have started the majority of letter writing so late. With only an hour's sleep, the memories I needed to remember, needed to allude to and respond to slipped through my fingers. Again.
Joanne's shouldn't have been so short. Kristine's shouldn't have been so short.
Ken's shouldn't have been so short.
And dear heaven, I wasn't even started on Shou's when I left the house .
I wonder if it's the effect of inadequate sleep or my natural paranoia when things don't go as expected. Unable to hurry the assembly, unable to sneak away from the eyes of teachers in the hall, I found my fingers twisting, twisting, twisting... A dark whisper in my mind suggested the amusement of twisting my fingers until they broke.
- I said I self censored, didn't I? This is where I did. One whole chunk.-
I was surprised when Tzu-Hsiang handed me an envelope, but I guess he realised how it could easily be misinterpreted for he hastily said it wasn't from him. Looking further, I saw it to be from Lucy. Jiawen didn't appear to realise as soon as I did, nor did she notice what I meant by retaliation when I dug out my envelope for Lucy and passed it to Tzu-Hsiang. It was amusing to watch as Yong Sheng and Jiawen both misinterpreted it as my letter to Kuan.
But no. As much as I do owe him an apology of sorts for almost making life hard for him for two years, the letters were for my friends, my squadmates, the people most of whom I had shared my life with.
It was as though a boulder was released once I completed Shou's letter. For a while, I breathed again.
Walk upstage. Smile. Handshake with teachers. Stand in line. Forward. Gather. Smile. Exit. I tried to watch as everyone had their turn. I tried to watch in particular when my friends had their turn. But unlike how I'd want to write in fiction, the movements weren't carved in my head.
None of them. A flash, like the moment that it was... Evoking an innate cringe, a smile, whichever was more applicable. But in the end, they were merely moments. Some made immortal, through pictures. Some just returning to a single action within the turning wheels of fate.
Tremble. Walk upstage. Smile. Handshake with teachers. Stand in line. Tremble. Forward. Gather. Smile. Exit. Damn. Once again, it appeared as if I didn't know how to control my reactions. I can only hope it wasn't quite obvious. So stupid, to have my self indicate a fear I did not feel.
I'd always found it somewhat strange when the seniors' graduation album comprised themselves and person A, and person B, and person C, etc etc etc. Now I understand.
I'd always found the free time as the seniors roamed around somewhat chaotic. Now I understand.
I understand how it feels to want to grip tightly on the memories forgotten, memories fading, and memories now, while there's still a "together".
To want to find everyone, just everyone who made a difference in your life.
I'm just glad that I needn't depend solely on my camera, for that failed me.
Facebook stays as a convenient, sweet source of memories at graduation. (I should like to make a collage sometime. Not now, but some time... Of the people I'm grateful for.)
At the end of it all I could only be glad I didn't listen to my sister's suggestion to stop writing and just sleep. At the end of it all I could only be glad that the letters and bracelets appeared to be received well.
The smiles received were invaluable, even if I was wrought with worry that the contents of their note/letter would disappoint.
The messages sent in reply to my letters were heartwarming. The knowledge that Xing Yao and Kristine both liked the bracelet enough to put it on immediately... was extremely heartening. ^^
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| Clockwise: Bookmark from Ms Chong, chocolate cornflakes from Xue Li, painted penguin card from Gloria, letter and sweets from Joanne, sweets from Huili's junior, Lucy's letter, food letter and polaroid from Jiawen, letter and chained bracelet from Huili, keychains from school, note and pen from Ms Lim, chained bracelet for myself. |
And to be remembered is a wonderful feeling. ^^
