Wednesday, August 14, 2013 12:18 AM
It's all in my mind.
When Huili made that request, it just occurred to me the irony of my blogging.
For the longest time, I'd attempted to allow my blog as the one true reflection of what's going on underneath what may be a facade.
But the awareness of an audience seems impossible to shrug off, in the end. Gradually, I siphon some rants off because I know the people mentioned read my blog. I leave the memories to be remembered or fade away as they will. Gradually, I write knowing that it's public.
I wonder if I should smile at my practicality, since the web really is a public domain. Awareness of that can't technically be a fault.
And yet I can't help but feel sad that the original intent had been eroded. Where was the girl who was so pigheaded she would justify herself, baring all her thoughts, emotions and experience on white paper in order to convince? I miss that frankness. Do you all too?
I wonder when I parted ways with that Jing Yee. I can almost pinpoint it, but who knows? Perhaps the tendency to be a clam was in me since the beginning.
What am I blogging for now, then?
If I cannot be frank, thoroughly so, are my posts but things to pacify myself and the people who bother? Pacifying... By indicating that I'm fully equipped with my faculties, and haven't died or broken my fingers.
And haven't I had a post earlier this year, outlining a similar sentiment?
Similar, yet different.
I shall not indulge in doing a compare and contrast at the moment.
Frankness, now, then.
"What you don't know won't hurt you."
You do know that the phrasing gives another layer of meaning to the context you justified it with, don't you?
It supposes that I will be hurt by your words- so while that could mean that I react like that person you love paralleling me with, or that your words would directly hurt me- implying that it's about me.
May I state yet again with my great eye rolling ability that I am not that similar. With all sincerity!
Misery may indeed arise when I feel like I cannot help someone I dearly like to help. However, there are only some situations whereby my heart can resonate with the person, where I can feel as they feel,
cry for them when they don't, or while they do. The situations where I don't,
and with you I don't, it will sadden but not hurt me. If I don't throw you a direct scolding, it'll simply make me sympathise and brood. My emotions in this respect are still in my perfect reigns. And as you probably noticed by now, I can be frightfully logical about things.
To talk about hurt then, becomes secondary and an uncertainty.
The fact that I'm not even considered as someone to ask help from is a direct insult. That, I can definitely assure you.
Do you realise I mentioned before that people who bother are very welcome to clarify? I welcome clarification.
By now, I realise that I don't stand for "are you okay". Something this indirect begs me to respond in kind- with the standard answer.
And sometimes there is something wrong. But I simply want to be left alone.
Applying it in your case then, do you
really think I would attempt to dig anything out of you without your sanction?