The void sucks me in.

Monday, December 31, 2012 4:32 PM

It's all in my mind.

Curiosity killed the cat. It killed me too.

That suffocating shroud. I thought I was spared from it.
I thought I could live. I thought I was learning to get to my feet again.
Do I credit the strength of your influence or my weakness? To suddenly feel the carpet pulled from beneath my feet, and fall right back into hell- the darkness I'd dragged myself from.
Or perhaps I'd subconsciously created my clutches from dangerous components.

Fool. I tell myself once more, repeatedly, ceaselessly, that I am a fool.
Every time without fail, when I was certain to get cut.

It has been so long, yet so short. And yet, the blade that unconsciously meets my heart retains its fine, polished edge.

I'd never ceased to wish you happiness, but I clearly can't stay around to watch.

Ever heard that songs evoke memories?
I blasted those, louder than I could stand.
Yet as I distracted myself from thinking, the memories couldn't stop surfacing.
Burn my memories to a crisp- they're worthless to you, and suffocating me- by its pure contrast.
Burn them all down, toss their ashes into the wind for no one to notice.

For you I'd bleed myself dry.
How ironic. I wish I could be bled dry, then I wouldn't need to deal with this.
Bleed my heart dry; leave it incapable of wavering again.
Bleed my eyes dry; if only I could exhaust the emotions, maybe I could turn my back with true resolve.

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try
To fix you
No one will. All I see is darkness. There won't be anyone, and I won't want anyone.
Tears streaming down your face, when you lose something you can't replace-
And the floodgates really opened.
Torrents upon torrents, tears that I taste,
Tears that will never reach you.

Just who the hell was I kidding?
One won't recognise the secret hope, the tiniest spark of hope that was foolishly allowed to hang around until the instant its light blinds you with a cry attesting its existance,
then extinguishes-
Casting you back, alone once again.

They aren't real.
I've told myself a million times.
But the fool I am, I let it stay.
Talk about discipline! I really haven't any.

It seems that I haven't a sense of self preservation enough to take the end as it is;
Hard.
Cold.
Bare.
Empty.

The songs' words are mine, but I don't hear my voice in them.
They are still too calm, too much at peace.
The peace that eludes me.

The late hour lost its meaning too.

The first time I slept with my earpieces on.
But sleep never delivers us from the cold that festers within.

I'd die for you, but I won't live for you.

Dying is too easy.
I'd die for you, but you won't let me live for you.

Fortunately for me, I know one who won't have me die.
Life is a comedy for those who think, and a tragedy for those who feel.
Isn't that why we seek to run away from our emotions?
What's left here?
Isn't it cold?
For self preservation, we build ice prisons to enclose the ingredients of tragedy.

So who the hell was I kidding?
Our fates have crossed, but for the future, we will be leagues apart.
So very, very far.
You'll forget me before I forget you.

You've forgotten me before I've forgotten you.

We recognise the weakness called emotions,
and we throw ourselves at its feet during happiness,
throw ourselves at its mercy during our misery.
I just noticed as I distracted myself with anime.

It is for the same reason that Inuyasha and Naraku sought to transform with the Shikon.
But from the lessons learnt,
one has to overcome them on their own.

I have to get over on my own.

Kagome was lucky. It could so easily be a tragedy for her.

Labels: Deep Emotions

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

~ Profile ~

Tan Jing Yee
River Valley High School
RVNP HotShots! (sec1'08)
~~Shuqun Primary School~~
28 July

~ some quotes ~

♥ But I think... I want to live with all my memories. Even if they're bad memories. Even if they're memories that only hurt me... that I'd rather forget. If I keep them and keep trying, without running away, then someday I'll be strong enough that those memories can't defeat me. I believe that because I want to think that there's no such thing as a memory that's ok to forget.

♥ Pain, suffering. It's pointless to just think about those things. The traveler (referring to "The Most Foolish Traveler" by Natsuki Takaya) didn't. That may be stupid to some people but that's not stupid to me. Yuki... Kyo... when you close your eyes, what do you think?

♥ Just as no matter how hard you try to keep it away... despair will attack you again and again. In the same manner hope will return to you. Again and again.

♥ Someday... no matter how cold it is now... the snow will melt. Without fail.

♥ For there to be pain, there has to be kindness. For darkness to stand out, there has to be the sun.

♥ Maybe I'm not perfect. Maybe I have a long way to go. But someday... someday I'll be able to stand and walk on my own. Without hurting anyone... and without being a burden.

♥ We're all born with selfish desires so we can relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is created individually by each person... So it's easy to misunderstand when someone is trying to be kind to you... But, Tohru, people's differences are something to celebrate.

♥ "And if when everything ends, nothing is left in my hands...that's alright."

♥ Mingling with people, hurting them, getting hurt by them. That's how you learn about people and about yourself. If you don't, you'll never care about anyone but yourself.

♥ I want to be the only one... who can help the one I care about.

♥ "I wish I could have lived... In a kind world. Without anxiety. Without fear. Without hurting other people. Without being hurt myself. Only doing the right things. I wish I could have followed... The shortest path... To the kind world I wish for. I wish... I could have lived my life... Without making any wrong turns. But that is impossible. A path like that doesn't exist. We fail. We trip. We get lost. We make mistakes. And little by little, one step at a time... we push forward. It's all we can do. On our own two feet. Even if we get a little banged up. Someday, we'll reach something. We'll reach someone. We pray."

♥ "Crowds used to make me wonder. How many people would notice if I disappeared? I used to mull over that kind of thing constantly... once upon a time. But now... I'm a little different. It's not like that. It doesn't have to be... A lot of people. Even if it's just one person. That's enough. Having one person... is an incredible thing. Because then... It can't be zero. I was happy. I was happy then, too. I was so happy, it tickled. In the midst of all those people... She singled me out... and found me. And it's the same thing now. Having someone other than yourself... thinking of you. Looking... for you. You can't take that for granted. It's a miraculous and blessed thing."

♥ "... please don't cry anymore. I know that happy things... and fun things.. eventually come to an end. But things that are scary and sad... come to an end too. They always do. Even if you can't always believe that... please don't give up. Live. I want you to live. Even if you make a mistake, even if you take the long way, it's still okay... Just please... please live. Don't give up on pushing forward. Please. At least don't give up on that. Even if I'm not... by your side."

♥ Often times in memory, we have the tendency to overly romanticize the people we care about.

♥ Humans may be fragile creatures, but they're not weak to the extent to being crushed by their painful memories even after they meet with something unfortunate. We're far more resilient that that. Everything will be alright.

♥ "Don't worry, Kanade. What a person has actually gone through is unexpectedly different from what he remembers. Even though that gap may leave him feeling sad sometimes... Even the most vivdly clear memory... will change with time eventually."

♥ "Humans are amazing. Even though they may not see something physically... They'll still sense it. Everything else is the same. If you work hard, others will know that you work hard. If you don't work hard, others will know that you don't work hard."

♥ "Someday... You'll find someone who'll know all your good and bad points... And who'll still love you all the same."

♥ If... There was ever a Land of the Blindfolded, will the people of that land... Understand what it's like to have your blindfold come undone? Even if... Most people will never understand us... There might just be... Someone who can do that. It isn't easy to understand people's feelings... But that doesn't mean... That you're alone.

♥ It is not violence that best overcomes hate — nor vengeance that most certainly heals injury.

♥ The real courage is living and suffering for what you believe.

♥ “If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”

♥ Do not pity the dead, Harry, pity the living. Above all pity those who live without love.

♥ 每一段记忆，都有一个密码。只要时间，地点，人物组合正确，无论尘封多久，那人那景都将在遗忘中重新拾起。你也许会说“不是都过去了吗？”其实过去的只是时间，你依然逃不出，想起了就微笑或悲伤的宿命，那种宿命本叫“无能为力”。

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