The void sucks me in.

Sunday, January 1, 2012 4:53 PM

It's all in my mind.

2011.

I honestly can't remember if I had made any resolutions at the start of the year, or if I'd already known that I could work only with short term aims.

2011. I'm not sure how to reflect on it. It at once seems like something with too many sides for me to consider as well as something insignificant. The time passed- so much happened, yet so many things remain unchanged. 2011 to 2012- it's the start of a new year, but that knowledge doesn't have much of an impact to me.

When I look back, what do I see?

2011. It's a year I approached with much reluctance and lots of apprehension. It might seem stupid to say that I was dreading the coming of the sec1s, but it's true.

I'd watched as my squadmates changed, the sec2 and sec3 ICs. If I may say it like this, their cadets, their squad, suddenly took more of their time, their thoughts, their hearts than Hotshots did. But I had still so many in Hotshots I didn't want to drift from.

And I had so little faith in myself, to groom a new batch of cadets from scratch- albeit alongside three other squadmates.

ROD. It felt like it'd be the full stop to everything.

What of the bonds when we truly no longer had NP to sustain them?

What of the many familiar faces? Will they become strangers to me?

The possibility scared me.

Yet what had to pass had to pass.

By now, my sec1s are sec2s, and ROD is long over.

I'm not sure I've done the best I could as an IC, and I don't think I'll flatter myself into believing that I'm a fantastic IC. Like, obviously not.

How do I say this.

I just trust that the 4 of us have actually put in our hearts into taking Superlatives. Whether our best is enough is a different question, but either way I believe that taking them... We've grown. We'd grown as we'd tried to raise the squad of... a current 26.

Half a year- even if the memories fade, they've created their own space within my heart.

I'm thankful that I got to take them.

ROD-ed. I'm not sure if it's because the "future" is our "present" that it doesn't scare me so much, or that it's because we've worked to keep the bond between us.

We're trying- at least in our own ways. Once in our lives, four years of our time- even if we want to, the bond won't disappear in a puff of smoke.

And oh, squad tee squad chalet and squad ring. ♥

2011. I would say that the bond between me and the rest of 4E didn't change much from that in 2010... But I enjoyed my time there.

I think it's because I had much different expectations of my class than my squad, but... 4E... there are people whom I'm very happy to have met and known. =)

Family.

I fancy I got to know my sister better, and am closer as ever to my dad.

For my sister, I'm amazed. Look back a couple of years- this wasn't how it was. Somehow, after just about 13 years, we've met in the middle. From wherever we've started in different directions, we've met in the middle, and I fancy we'll walk on together. From whatever childish issues we had with each other, we've grown- and I start to understand her.

My mother... I'm not sure if this year's change is good or bad, but I've at least shown a stand, no?

I'll keep on to it as I deem fit. It may yet end satisfyingly.

I don't think I'll regret.

Myself.

Not comparing myself with the me in 2010 but earlier...

I think I've stopped... being a snake ready to lash out. Or a barrel of gunpowder ready to explode. I'm quite sure I used to be like that.

Now... I still believe my temperament leaves much to be desired, but at least it takes a bit more to make me tempted to throw things at people. Then again, I've stopped throwing things at people. I'm not sure whether to be happy or cringe at those statements.

If there's any change in my pessimism and ability to doubt, I think it's just that it's no longer where it can affect any but myself. That's a relatively good thing.

2o11. I've so much to be thankful for, so much to be apologetic for.

For you especially.

Thank you. ♥

It's more than I could ever ask for- so much so that I think it very very likely that it's too good to be true oops. ^^

There's so much I think, but I don't think there's a time and place to express it, so it'll stay in my mind. But for now... Thank you... I'm very fortunate. =)

There'll be that one new year's resolution that I'm determined to keep.

I've made my first few wishes for the new year. ^^

For 2012, I hope for the best. ^^ (but no, that's not my first wish for the year -.-)

Happy new year, all!

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

~ Profile ~

Tan Jing Yee
River Valley High School
RVNP HotShots! (sec1'08)
~~Shuqun Primary School~~
28 July

~ some quotes ~

♥ But I think... I want to live with all my memories. Even if they're bad memories. Even if they're memories that only hurt me... that I'd rather forget. If I keep them and keep trying, without running away, then someday I'll be strong enough that those memories can't defeat me. I believe that because I want to think that there's no such thing as a memory that's ok to forget.

♥ Pain, suffering. It's pointless to just think about those things. The traveler (referring to "The Most Foolish Traveler" by Natsuki Takaya) didn't. That may be stupid to some people but that's not stupid to me. Yuki... Kyo... when you close your eyes, what do you think?

♥ Just as no matter how hard you try to keep it away... despair will attack you again and again. In the same manner hope will return to you. Again and again.

♥ Someday... no matter how cold it is now... the snow will melt. Without fail.

♥ For there to be pain, there has to be kindness. For darkness to stand out, there has to be the sun.

♥ Maybe I'm not perfect. Maybe I have a long way to go. But someday... someday I'll be able to stand and walk on my own. Without hurting anyone... and without being a burden.

♥ We're all born with selfish desires so we can relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is created individually by each person... So it's easy to misunderstand when someone is trying to be kind to you... But, Tohru, people's differences are something to celebrate.

♥ "And if when everything ends, nothing is left in my hands...that's alright."

♥ Mingling with people, hurting them, getting hurt by them. That's how you learn about people and about yourself. If you don't, you'll never care about anyone but yourself.

♥ I want to be the only one... who can help the one I care about.

♥ "I wish I could have lived... In a kind world. Without anxiety. Without fear. Without hurting other people. Without being hurt myself. Only doing the right things. I wish I could have followed... The shortest path... To the kind world I wish for. I wish... I could have lived my life... Without making any wrong turns. But that is impossible. A path like that doesn't exist. We fail. We trip. We get lost. We make mistakes. And little by little, one step at a time... we push forward. It's all we can do. On our own two feet. Even if we get a little banged up. Someday, we'll reach something. We'll reach someone. We pray."

♥ "Crowds used to make me wonder. How many people would notice if I disappeared? I used to mull over that kind of thing constantly... once upon a time. But now... I'm a little different. It's not like that. It doesn't have to be... A lot of people. Even if it's just one person. That's enough. Having one person... is an incredible thing. Because then... It can't be zero. I was happy. I was happy then, too. I was so happy, it tickled. In the midst of all those people... She singled me out... and found me. And it's the same thing now. Having someone other than yourself... thinking of you. Looking... for you. You can't take that for granted. It's a miraculous and blessed thing."

♥ "... please don't cry anymore. I know that happy things... and fun things.. eventually come to an end. But things that are scary and sad... come to an end too. They always do. Even if you can't always believe that... please don't give up. Live. I want you to live. Even if you make a mistake, even if you take the long way, it's still okay... Just please... please live. Don't give up on pushing forward. Please. At least don't give up on that. Even if I'm not... by your side."

♥ Often times in memory, we have the tendency to overly romanticize the people we care about.

♥ Humans may be fragile creatures, but they're not weak to the extent to being crushed by their painful memories even after they meet with something unfortunate. We're far more resilient that that. Everything will be alright.

♥ "Don't worry, Kanade. What a person has actually gone through is unexpectedly different from what he remembers. Even though that gap may leave him feeling sad sometimes... Even the most vivdly clear memory... will change with time eventually."

♥ "Humans are amazing. Even though they may not see something physically... They'll still sense it. Everything else is the same. If you work hard, others will know that you work hard. If you don't work hard, others will know that you don't work hard."

♥ "Someday... You'll find someone who'll know all your good and bad points... And who'll still love you all the same."

♥ If... There was ever a Land of the Blindfolded, will the people of that land... Understand what it's like to have your blindfold come undone? Even if... Most people will never understand us... There might just be... Someone who can do that. It isn't easy to understand people's feelings... But that doesn't mean... That you're alone.

♥ It is not violence that best overcomes hate — nor vengeance that most certainly heals injury.

♥ The real courage is living and suffering for what you believe.

♥ “If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”

♥ Do not pity the dead, Harry, pity the living. Above all pity those who live without love.

♥ 每一段记忆，都有一个密码。只要时间，地点，人物组合正确，无论尘封多久，那人那景都将在遗忘中重新拾起。你也许会说“不是都过去了吗？”其实过去的只是时间，你依然逃不出，想起了就微笑或悲伤的宿命，那种宿命本叫“无能为力”。

~ Leave your mark~

~Memories~

Click To View

~ Exits ~

Click To View

~ Credits ~