Sunday, December 4, 2011 5:03 PM
It's all in my mind.
They are where I was... six years or so back.
In a way, they're worse off.
I realise that this post may sound more serious than the actual situation... But this piece of the past demands a serious note in reminiscing.
谁会想到一个小流浪狗会直接踏进我的心里?
How could such a small living being get such a significant spot in the heart of my younger self?
That was not the first time I experienced the concept of leaving, but it did hit hard.
Why had it to be given away? Over the tears I had shed, I blamed.
I hadn't been able to reconcile myself to the fact that sometimes, we're at the mercy of circumstances.
Since then, I think, my heart hardened towards pets.
Not harshness, mind. Neutrality. Neutrality to the extent that it's almost cold.
Yes, they are cute. Yes, fine, I don't deny that. Stroke them, okay.
Thing is, I really don't feel anything inside, see?
While my sister can fawn over the neighbours' dogs, fawn over this dog... I just watch on.
Is it accurate to say that something died within me?
送走小狗以后,我们曾在妹妹的要求、新主人的同意下见到了它。
I recall that I didn't ask to go. And when I did, there was nevertheless a check on my behaviour, my emotions. There was a very real barrier.
I remember thinking that the dog isn't ours now.
It had a new owner, a girl who was ecstatic to have it.
That's fortunate.
That's the full stop for me.
Present day. I tug the chain back, and upon the mother's reassurances, closed the door firmly shut. Yet I can still hear the little girls outside, losing the composure they had when sending this dog back.
The crying, I can hear.
I understand it. But there's absolutely nothing I can do. Circumstances. If it was for me to give the dog back to you, I would. But circumstances!
如果她们看到我珍惜它,是否会感到一丝欣慰?
Yet, the only thing I could ever do... I can't.
All I can wish for the pair of you... is that this does not leave as heavy a mark on you as a similar situation did on my heart.
I wonder about it. In a way, I guess it reflects on how my mind works, regarding my heart.
I don't want to analyse more here. I can see it in my head. This degree of self awareness, I have.
If you choose to look deeper and see the links...