The void sucks me in.

Friday, December 2, 2011 6:34 PM

It's all in my mind.

Not noticing your own qualities are fine, really. It's just a lonely thing, but people surrounding can attempt to convince you otherwise. Even if you are blind to it, there ought be people who notice, who like you because of it. Strange as it may be.

Not noticing your own faults is actually quite common too. We get used to how we are, and take it that it's normal. Fine. If that's the case it'd be horrid to condemn.

But blatant lack of self awareness. And absolutely no openness to accept. Ready to see fault in all but yourself. Who are you, king of the world?

That was a blatant lack of self awareness. How on earth did you manage to blame her for that? How the hell was it her fault?

Child A hits child B, child B hits back. Or child A annoys child B, and child B strikes at A.

I have grown out of it eons ago. You're supposed to be an adult, for crying out loud. Grow up!

---

I realise that between the two of us, we have everything we need to succeed.

And I come to realise that I quite envy- is envy the right word?- people who have aims in life.

This is one thing I sorely lack.

And, I reckon, this would be the cause of me wandering in life.

My sister has an inquisitive, lively mind.

I never thought to ask "why" questions.

Why is the sky blue? Why does this happen? Why is it not like that? What is wind?

Things like that- never. If I read about it, I'll just take it as a truth and go "oh I see".

For her, she does ask. She asks things that I never thought to, which I admit frustrated me to some lengths. The feeling, you know, when you're supposed to be the elder one, yet you can't answer, yet you don't know.

I can see that she'll make a fantastic science student if she had teachers able to answer her queries. She has the interest. She will want to know.

Still I don't really envy her for that. I'd long accepted that I wasn't a Science person. And I do question. Sometimes. But not over issues of this nature.

What I envy... is the fact that she has aims in life. Goals she wants to achieve.

For me, I don't.

Rather, it isn't that I've never thought of it. It's just that, with time, I realise that it's not for me, or that I am not capable enough for it. But now... I don't have an aim anymore.

Sadly, the reverse is not true.

Yet she doesn't have the discipline, or the will to presevere. Kay, the reverse is true for sports related things. But still.

The circumstances surrounding her also drags her down, holds her back from achieving.

In a way, I can see that I might be the more fortunate of us both.

Because, I guess, being hardworking will lead me somewhere. Not necessarily where I'd like to be, but I could at least support myself. I think.

Some birthdays ago, I had started wishing that I'd find my way.

Some birthdays after, I gave it up as useless. One birthday I changed it to that she would find her way.

Poor wording, I guess. I didn't define what "finding her way" was. Should also have added "and let her have what it takes to make it happen".

The point is because... If I don't find my way (sometimes I despair that I will not), I'll still function. If it were her... where would she be?

This is perhaps wishful, useless thinking on my part, since nothing could be gained from it.

But if there was one of us who should embody both our advantageous traits... I think I'd rather it be her.

Where would that leave me? I don't know.

Guess then I can count on her heart to provide for me? *smiles* I'd really be the ultimate slacker, the ultimate pig then...

Oho! I'm very touched that as she looks through this section of my post, she tells me that she'd have chosen me to have the traits instead.

Then again, then again.

Perhaps it's our combined trait of looking down on ourselves and admiring others. ^^

I'll leave it at that.

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

~ Profile ~

Tan Jing Yee
River Valley High School
RVNP HotShots! (sec1'08)
~~Shuqun Primary School~~
28 July

~ some quotes ~

♥ But I think... I want to live with all my memories. Even if they're bad memories. Even if they're memories that only hurt me... that I'd rather forget. If I keep them and keep trying, without running away, then someday I'll be strong enough that those memories can't defeat me. I believe that because I want to think that there's no such thing as a memory that's ok to forget.

♥ Pain, suffering. It's pointless to just think about those things. The traveler (referring to "The Most Foolish Traveler" by Natsuki Takaya) didn't. That may be stupid to some people but that's not stupid to me. Yuki... Kyo... when you close your eyes, what do you think?

♥ Just as no matter how hard you try to keep it away... despair will attack you again and again. In the same manner hope will return to you. Again and again.

♥ Someday... no matter how cold it is now... the snow will melt. Without fail.

♥ For there to be pain, there has to be kindness. For darkness to stand out, there has to be the sun.

♥ Maybe I'm not perfect. Maybe I have a long way to go. But someday... someday I'll be able to stand and walk on my own. Without hurting anyone... and without being a burden.

♥ We're all born with selfish desires so we can relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is created individually by each person... So it's easy to misunderstand when someone is trying to be kind to you... But, Tohru, people's differences are something to celebrate.

♥ "And if when everything ends, nothing is left in my hands...that's alright."

♥ Mingling with people, hurting them, getting hurt by them. That's how you learn about people and about yourself. If you don't, you'll never care about anyone but yourself.

♥ I want to be the only one... who can help the one I care about.

♥ "I wish I could have lived... In a kind world. Without anxiety. Without fear. Without hurting other people. Without being hurt myself. Only doing the right things. I wish I could have followed... The shortest path... To the kind world I wish for. I wish... I could have lived my life... Without making any wrong turns. But that is impossible. A path like that doesn't exist. We fail. We trip. We get lost. We make mistakes. And little by little, one step at a time... we push forward. It's all we can do. On our own two feet. Even if we get a little banged up. Someday, we'll reach something. We'll reach someone. We pray."

♥ "Crowds used to make me wonder. How many people would notice if I disappeared? I used to mull over that kind of thing constantly... once upon a time. But now... I'm a little different. It's not like that. It doesn't have to be... A lot of people. Even if it's just one person. That's enough. Having one person... is an incredible thing. Because then... It can't be zero. I was happy. I was happy then, too. I was so happy, it tickled. In the midst of all those people... She singled me out... and found me. And it's the same thing now. Having someone other than yourself... thinking of you. Looking... for you. You can't take that for granted. It's a miraculous and blessed thing."

♥ "... please don't cry anymore. I know that happy things... and fun things.. eventually come to an end. But things that are scary and sad... come to an end too. They always do. Even if you can't always believe that... please don't give up. Live. I want you to live. Even if you make a mistake, even if you take the long way, it's still okay... Just please... please live. Don't give up on pushing forward. Please. At least don't give up on that. Even if I'm not... by your side."

♥ Often times in memory, we have the tendency to overly romanticize the people we care about.

♥ Humans may be fragile creatures, but they're not weak to the extent to being crushed by their painful memories even after they meet with something unfortunate. We're far more resilient that that. Everything will be alright.

♥ "Don't worry, Kanade. What a person has actually gone through is unexpectedly different from what he remembers. Even though that gap may leave him feeling sad sometimes... Even the most vivdly clear memory... will change with time eventually."

♥ "Humans are amazing. Even though they may not see something physically... They'll still sense it. Everything else is the same. If you work hard, others will know that you work hard. If you don't work hard, others will know that you don't work hard."

♥ "Someday... You'll find someone who'll know all your good and bad points... And who'll still love you all the same."

♥ If... There was ever a Land of the Blindfolded, will the people of that land... Understand what it's like to have your blindfold come undone? Even if... Most people will never understand us... There might just be... Someone who can do that. It isn't easy to understand people's feelings... But that doesn't mean... That you're alone.

♥ It is not violence that best overcomes hate — nor vengeance that most certainly heals injury.

♥ The real courage is living and suffering for what you believe.

♥ “If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”

♥ Do not pity the dead, Harry, pity the living. Above all pity those who live without love.

♥ 每一段记忆，都有一个密码。只要时间，地点，人物组合正确，无论尘封多久，那人那景都将在遗忘中重新拾起。你也许会说“不是都过去了吗？”其实过去的只是时间，你依然逃不出，想起了就微笑或悲伤的宿命，那种宿命本叫“无能为力”。

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