Friday, May 20, 2011 7:32 PM
It's all in my mind.
Do I see too much, or far too little? Am I being cowardly? Selfish? I wonder. I seriously wonder.
I guess my OP results were the most devastating. The rest hurt, but I had expected it.
Amazing, really. Amazing really how all that i used to be good at falls apart. Amazing how everything crumbles away...
I wonder, really. How I used to be like that before. How my OP was one of the top in 2I, how LA used to be one of my best subjects.
I'll smile at my thought- perhaps that it was terminal velocity.
And now, it is falling with increasing acceleration...
I look at my rubrics and try not to grimace. At some point irrational tears threatened to flow-
I counted them.
2 E(xceeding)s, the rest D(eveloping)s.
With my group score fixed, I am forced to consider the very real possibility of her being compelled to give me even so many Es- or I would have just failed.
I suck. Seriously.
Although the points that she gave me D I acknowledge I did poorly, to have it stare in my face, this shitty grade... It can't even be pleased that my pronunciation or whatever was an E.
For all the skepticism I can give people, I am so shitty myself.
I look at the pathetic score written on my essay. I totally deserved it, but I didn't have the heart to read through the crap I wrote.
Even for Chinese, which I was never exceptional at... My compo score dipped- irrational, now, how I felt happy with my piece of work.
I have to open my eyes and start thinking.
I realise I can't write,
can't present...
My language.
It's not even about being good or not at being tested.
It is seriously seriously my inability.
I sigh
To realise that next year, there is really no combination for me.
Science student? Totally out. I hate science, and my foundation is as good as a pin supporting an elephant.
Arts student? Have you heard of one who can't write?
And I don't even want to think about GP.
And to imagine I was interested in KI.
My brain must have taken leave of me.
Idiot that I am.
And although I know the memories will still flit through, I blast music in my ears.
The memories of what I once felt, what I once grasped- now achieving nothing but driving a thorn into my mind.
Maybe I thought too highly of myself, took it all for granted.
Maybe I had it too early, and with time, it fades.
Maybe I didn't deserve...
And while I am glooming, I am still all too aware that to you who has felt hopelessness so many times greater than myself, I don't deserve to be emo-ing.
I can't even use the excuse that my heart is too weak- what would be in comparison to you just an ant's bite- this which would not even count for an impression compared to what you suffered through- you living strongly regardless just shows how worthless I am.
I am a mere shadow,
a mere whisper,
a mere breeze,
compared to your strength,
your heart,
your bravery.
Labels: Deep Emotions