Friday, February 11, 2011 8:11 PM
It's all in my mind.
Kristine says that my blog is very personal, and I should probably not reveal my weaknesses here. After all, juniors read it.
Well, Junianti just had to tell me that ex-NCOs read it. Seniors.
... Actually, I think I had an msn conversation with Ken before- long long time ago, on the matter of our blogs. I believe I replied to his question an answer to the effect that,
Think what they may, I will not crumble under their opinions.
I only let people I trust know about my blog- close friends, at first, then squadmates. Basically.
I trust them enough with my thoughts.
Those who I did not welcome, if they scorn me... I will not give a damn.
My blog is a vent. I keep the deepest feelings and thoughts within myself.
But sometimes, it overflows.
I put it into words, in my blog. Not in whole, of course. I am aware that my blog is public- the most personal is not even anything I write.
I do not feel that I need to cover my weakness in my blog. I believe I have hidden it away pretty well while facing everyone else- but this blog is mine. I don't need to hide from this also.
But I still retain my secrets. All the words here... Guess what it means. Specific things, I will not say. Generalities- infer what you may.
I think the only place where I don't hide anything... may be in the characters whom I write about in my fanfics. Or want to write about in my fanfics.
They embody me, in a way, I guess. But just without the flaws that commoners like me face, I suppose. For them, I can choose their fate. My traits and hopes, softened and brightened, will probably live through them.
Isn't it the way for all writers?
Nevertheless, in the light of my probably depressing in the future about Sec 1s, I shall remove my link from Hotshots blog. By the next time I come to my blog- so those who are bothered, you could bookmark this. Or remember the link. Whatever.
Just that I don't need the juniors to see what I feel about them.
I will place the link back after ROD.
If you have been worrying about my mental health because of my previous post (not from today), don't worry.
I just depress, but I know my job. Who says I can't feel depressed doing my job? Who says I can't gloom? ^^ Ex-NCOs, my mind is just slightly more used to failure than that. I will not fall so soon.
Even if I do, I'll finish being part of Hotshots first.
Then, when there is no passion left to sustain, my meagre candle of hope can snuff out. Find another direction, maybe. But I don't keep my hopes high.
So if it is just in regards to my mental health, don't worry.
If it is, however, a true concern for me as a person, a friend, a squadmate- I thank you. The line between the two are very faint. If you are on this side of the line, thank you.
But if you know me well enough, I will live.
Live.
Knowing that people are bothered, I will smile.
But here's a personal request: Those who come to my blog and have never told me explicitly, directly that they have read my blog nor tagged, please do. I want to know who have reached this place.
Of course, unless the above words have been lost on you, you will know that I will not censor because you are here.
But I would like to know who my audience are.
Please.
I know it will probably be odd, tagging "HI" or "Cheer up yeah" or "Tag", but please do. Once.
It's the only request I have extended bah.
Labels: Deep Emotions