The void sucks me in.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011 11:39 PM

It's all in my mind.

I said that I won't post but I guess I will.

I'm sorry, I guess I didn't promise you not to think about it and lose sleep.

Today just had a lot of issues for me to think about.

Let's start with the squad reunion dinner...

The truth or dare forces me to think about the thin line between the truth and what is the truth I would like for people to know.

Mind, both are truths.

But the truth is what I feel, while the truth I would like people to know is what I am convincing myself too. So don't say that I am lying to you- I don't. I am probably just lying to myself.

I said that I can't say that it was one particular person-

true, to an extent. They inferred that there are a lot of guys I am referring to: yes, I guess they are right.

There are just too many people in my past that I cannot effectively put behind me.

One obvious one, that hardly any know properly- I haven't been very open about it. Who talks about such issues anyway? With whom?

For the rare few in RV who know, I am glad they know limited. I am thankful yet again that he is not in RV- he is probably the only person I would never be able to act normal around. All my guises and facades will crash-

For I have not put him securely behind me.

Even now.

There was also a question that Madeline asked- whether they were friends or whether they were one step further.

I can't answer that effectively either.

My past is not just one jigsaw puzzle piece on its own.

There are, of course, wonderful friends whom I still think about. One whom I call my bro. The only older guy whom I care about.

Yet, I would still wonder. This doesn't make sense, but I don't know how to interact around him. If I try to keep up the acquaintance, am I just making myself a nuisance? After just one year of friendship and six years of just messaging once a year, do I have the right to claim him as even a friend, much less my brother?

Ha. I don't know. I just don't know.

Then, there was the person whom I probably was wondering about when I randomly wrote that thought into my cameron notebook.

But with regard to that- my feelings and my wishes are two very separate matters. Even if I care, a lot, I have learnt not to indulge them. I cannot indulge them.

Had I gotten the question Madeline got- how would you confess to a guy you liked- I would firmly and honestly say that I will never do that.

No matter how much I care, I know that taking the first step is fatal. I used to think that I'd prefer knowing the answer than guessing for the rest of time.

I have learnt that the knowledge would smash me.

So the aim is that, at the very end, he still would have no inkling. That is my idea of success.

When I get even a toe out of the imaginary line I create for myself, I reproach myself. I reflect on the folly and I reproach myself.

I do not, can not, wish for such things.

Because they will never come true.

Hope will only crush you when you expect there a merest possibility.

So, I shall say, even if my emotions cannot be reigned in- my head will be.

I wonder if this post is just exposing more of my thoughts to the public to judge- for the fact is that the truth or dare has shown more of me than I have ever displayed in front of my squadmates, I think. But I also wonder... If this post is serving the purpose of making sure I keep my head henceforth. ^^

I originally wanted to add in the pessimistic thoughts I got while cooping myself up in NP room today, about how our squad is... and the plaguing worry and fear of being sec 1 IC. But I guess this is enough for anyone bothered to digest, and the fear of failure I shall keep to myself.

My dear audiences do not need to be bullied into trying to cheer me up.

Because for this particular aspect,

no one will succeed.

Labels: Deep Emotions

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

~ Profile ~

Tan Jing Yee
River Valley High School
RVNP HotShots! (sec1'08)
~~Shuqun Primary School~~
28 July

~ some quotes ~

♥ But I think... I want to live with all my memories. Even if they're bad memories. Even if they're memories that only hurt me... that I'd rather forget. If I keep them and keep trying, without running away, then someday I'll be strong enough that those memories can't defeat me. I believe that because I want to think that there's no such thing as a memory that's ok to forget.

♥ Pain, suffering. It's pointless to just think about those things. The traveler (referring to "The Most Foolish Traveler" by Natsuki Takaya) didn't. That may be stupid to some people but that's not stupid to me. Yuki... Kyo... when you close your eyes, what do you think?

♥ Just as no matter how hard you try to keep it away... despair will attack you again and again. In the same manner hope will return to you. Again and again.

♥ Someday... no matter how cold it is now... the snow will melt. Without fail.

♥ For there to be pain, there has to be kindness. For darkness to stand out, there has to be the sun.

♥ Maybe I'm not perfect. Maybe I have a long way to go. But someday... someday I'll be able to stand and walk on my own. Without hurting anyone... and without being a burden.

♥ We're all born with selfish desires so we can relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is created individually by each person... So it's easy to misunderstand when someone is trying to be kind to you... But, Tohru, people's differences are something to celebrate.

♥ "And if when everything ends, nothing is left in my hands...that's alright."

♥ Mingling with people, hurting them, getting hurt by them. That's how you learn about people and about yourself. If you don't, you'll never care about anyone but yourself.

♥ I want to be the only one... who can help the one I care about.

♥ "I wish I could have lived... In a kind world. Without anxiety. Without fear. Without hurting other people. Without being hurt myself. Only doing the right things. I wish I could have followed... The shortest path... To the kind world I wish for. I wish... I could have lived my life... Without making any wrong turns. But that is impossible. A path like that doesn't exist. We fail. We trip. We get lost. We make mistakes. And little by little, one step at a time... we push forward. It's all we can do. On our own two feet. Even if we get a little banged up. Someday, we'll reach something. We'll reach someone. We pray."

♥ "Crowds used to make me wonder. How many people would notice if I disappeared? I used to mull over that kind of thing constantly... once upon a time. But now... I'm a little different. It's not like that. It doesn't have to be... A lot of people. Even if it's just one person. That's enough. Having one person... is an incredible thing. Because then... It can't be zero. I was happy. I was happy then, too. I was so happy, it tickled. In the midst of all those people... She singled me out... and found me. And it's the same thing now. Having someone other than yourself... thinking of you. Looking... for you. You can't take that for granted. It's a miraculous and blessed thing."

♥ "... please don't cry anymore. I know that happy things... and fun things.. eventually come to an end. But things that are scary and sad... come to an end too. They always do. Even if you can't always believe that... please don't give up. Live. I want you to live. Even if you make a mistake, even if you take the long way, it's still okay... Just please... please live. Don't give up on pushing forward. Please. At least don't give up on that. Even if I'm not... by your side."

♥ Often times in memory, we have the tendency to overly romanticize the people we care about.

♥ Humans may be fragile creatures, but they're not weak to the extent to being crushed by their painful memories even after they meet with something unfortunate. We're far more resilient that that. Everything will be alright.

♥ "Don't worry, Kanade. What a person has actually gone through is unexpectedly different from what he remembers. Even though that gap may leave him feeling sad sometimes... Even the most vivdly clear memory... will change with time eventually."

♥ "Humans are amazing. Even though they may not see something physically... They'll still sense it. Everything else is the same. If you work hard, others will know that you work hard. If you don't work hard, others will know that you don't work hard."

♥ "Someday... You'll find someone who'll know all your good and bad points... And who'll still love you all the same."

♥ If... There was ever a Land of the Blindfolded, will the people of that land... Understand what it's like to have your blindfold come undone? Even if... Most people will never understand us... There might just be... Someone who can do that. It isn't easy to understand people's feelings... But that doesn't mean... That you're alone.

♥ It is not violence that best overcomes hate — nor vengeance that most certainly heals injury.

♥ The real courage is living and suffering for what you believe.

♥ “If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”

♥ Do not pity the dead, Harry, pity the living. Above all pity those who live without love.

♥ 每一段记忆，都有一个密码。只要时间，地点，人物组合正确，无论尘封多久，那人那景都将在遗忘中重新拾起。你也许会说“不是都过去了吗？”其实过去的只是时间，你依然逃不出，想起了就微笑或悲伤的宿命，那种宿命本叫“无能为力”。

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