The void sucks me in.

Friday, October 29, 2010 7:45 PM

It's all in my mind.

Hm... After seeing that Staff Jovi had seen my post, I look critically at my posts and realise that this entire blog shows me in depth to others. Is that... good? To majority of the people I know, I really rather they remember me as the hard, cold, composed person facade that I show them.
... No use crying over split milk, though. Never mind.

"That's true. But who can stand up against the wind?"- quoting from a source from the Great Leap Forward assignment.
I'm just.... one. It's tiring standing up against everything else. Others' common ideals, common thinking... In my birthday card, Amanda said that I being able to stand up to that is good.
But... I tire too.
When I work hard to achieve something, and fail, and fail, and meet a common resistance again and again...
I too... will give up.
I'm sorry to those who have great expectations for me, but in my current state of mind towards matters of NP, I think I'll fail as an IC. Though I won't yet throw in the towel. Time is on my side. As long as I look back and am satisfied at it all, it is enough.
Is this what they call... 士气低落？

Or maybe... I'm not just depressed by this difference in opinion.
Report card... came back today.

Alright, the post below is late. By a month. I chanced upon it in the drafts...

Today, my sister was "lost"
It was at my grandma's place, about 9.40pm.
It happened like this:

I was reading my cousin's copy of the Deathly Hallows. At some point in time after my sister went out to play badminton with my other cousins, she came in. We exchanged afew words, and at one point she left. Engrossed with the book as I was, I didn't note the time.

After some time, my father popped in to say that it was time to go. I finished up the chapter and packed our stuff. My father asked where my sister was. I believed that she was outside.

Huixin, my cousin, came into the house and asked me where Peh Yee (my sister) was. I thought she was outside?
No, she came in.
But I didn't see her!

We both searched the approx 5 room flat twice over- no sign. We asked the cousins playing badminton on the corridoor if they'd seen her- no. One of our cousins shouted her name- nothing.

I told my dad, looking, I hope, calm.
Deep down, the seas were unrest. A storm was coming in.
I was like the little ship... sailing along, searching for my sister where she wasn't.
Full scale panic did not set in.

We did not find her.

We went downstairs- me, Huixin, my father. What and why we hoped to find her downstairs I'm not sure. It wasn't like her.

Today she was wearing black. The first time she wore black, and it would be exactly what makes finding her so hard. Stupid. We strained our eyes to spot her figure, some movement in the distance.
Could she have gone to uncle's place, just a block away? We walked there.

No, she wasn't- my dad called to check.
Where the hell was she?
Maybe we ought to comb the block.

We returned to grandma's house- no, she had not returned. Shit.

Our cousins volunteered to search for her. They would comb up from level 13; me and my father came down from the top level, 22nd.
I made sure to check each level properly.
At about level 19th, we met my cousins.

Damn.

My dad went down by lift with them. I continued combing down. It didn't make sense- but I did. Was she taken into one of the units? Where was she? What happened?

At level 15 or so, I heard my uncle's voice.
“大家都在找你。。。"
I rushed down.
She was there.

Search called off. Everyone back to base.
But she didn't seem to think that anything was wrong.
A passive, almost haughty look on her face. She looked as though she would defy everything.

As she did.

She swept away all the things I said.
Take your handphone with you next time.
Tell someone before you go anywhere.

Who'd care? It was retarded- who tells people "Hey, I'm going toilet" etc etc?
Father just wanted to go home early- he didn't bother about her.
She was just on level 14th- a level above ours looking at the scenary. We could have shouted if we were really worried. And it was common sense- search upstairs and downstairs. And it was not like she did it on purpose- she wasn't the kind of girl who'd go "Yay, this is so fun! They can't find me!"

But that was the point.

She wasn't that type. So it opened up a myraid of things that could have happened to her. She may have been kidnapped. A psychopath may have thrown her off the roof. The list goes on. Though it's a small world and Singapore is relatively safe, who says these things don't happen? Every second we don't see you we worry. We panic.

Father just wanted to return early.
That's just a feeble excuse.

We always use a rational, unromantic reason to hide our anxiety and care. Remember the times Father and Mother quarrelled? I told them that they were noisy- we couldn't study. In truth we just wanted them to stop quarrelling. Doing homework? Wish.
It's just an excuse.
Who'd care?
You'd be surprised.
So close?
But too far. You can't imagine the anxiety.

Defiant as she was, she didn't accept my arguments. Perhaps she'd feel more for it, one day, when her pet went missing or something. There's always that "you'll never know how your parents feel until you become a parent for yourself."

My takings from today:

For people like my sister, listen up.
As long as you live in a society, and you have the merest emotional tie to another being or vice versa, it is your right and what is required of you to make yourself contactable or let people know where you are going. Living in this world, we need to account to somebody. It's not "我行我素". A simple sentence "I'm going upstairs" would save others a lot of worry. For every action affects someone else.

For people who may find themselves in my shoes:
Family may be what we take most for granted. Today I especially realised how scary it is. 贾老师''s words came back to me- she asked me to appreciate my sister, for she'd be the closest person I'd have to walk through life with me. Siblings. Friends and parents may not go through your entire life with you- it's your siblings.

Maybe we must be on the verge of losing it to discover its real value.

Labels: Deep Emotions

May we only do things that can withstand the scrutiny of the world.

~ Profile ~

Tan Jing Yee
River Valley High School
RVNP HotShots! (sec1'08)
~~Shuqun Primary School~~
28 July

~ some quotes ~

♥ But I think... I want to live with all my memories. Even if they're bad memories. Even if they're memories that only hurt me... that I'd rather forget. If I keep them and keep trying, without running away, then someday I'll be strong enough that those memories can't defeat me. I believe that because I want to think that there's no such thing as a memory that's ok to forget.

♥ Pain, suffering. It's pointless to just think about those things. The traveler (referring to "The Most Foolish Traveler" by Natsuki Takaya) didn't. That may be stupid to some people but that's not stupid to me. Yuki... Kyo... when you close your eyes, what do you think?

♥ Just as no matter how hard you try to keep it away... despair will attack you again and again. In the same manner hope will return to you. Again and again.

♥ Someday... no matter how cold it is now... the snow will melt. Without fail.

♥ For there to be pain, there has to be kindness. For darkness to stand out, there has to be the sun.

♥ Maybe I'm not perfect. Maybe I have a long way to go. But someday... someday I'll be able to stand and walk on my own. Without hurting anyone... and without being a burden.

♥ We're all born with selfish desires so we can relate to those feelings in others. But kindness is created individually by each person... So it's easy to misunderstand when someone is trying to be kind to you... But, Tohru, people's differences are something to celebrate.

♥ "And if when everything ends, nothing is left in my hands...that's alright."

♥ Mingling with people, hurting them, getting hurt by them. That's how you learn about people and about yourself. If you don't, you'll never care about anyone but yourself.

♥ I want to be the only one... who can help the one I care about.

♥ "I wish I could have lived... In a kind world. Without anxiety. Without fear. Without hurting other people. Without being hurt myself. Only doing the right things. I wish I could have followed... The shortest path... To the kind world I wish for. I wish... I could have lived my life... Without making any wrong turns. But that is impossible. A path like that doesn't exist. We fail. We trip. We get lost. We make mistakes. And little by little, one step at a time... we push forward. It's all we can do. On our own two feet. Even if we get a little banged up. Someday, we'll reach something. We'll reach someone. We pray."

♥ "Crowds used to make me wonder. How many people would notice if I disappeared? I used to mull over that kind of thing constantly... once upon a time. But now... I'm a little different. It's not like that. It doesn't have to be... A lot of people. Even if it's just one person. That's enough. Having one person... is an incredible thing. Because then... It can't be zero. I was happy. I was happy then, too. I was so happy, it tickled. In the midst of all those people... She singled me out... and found me. And it's the same thing now. Having someone other than yourself... thinking of you. Looking... for you. You can't take that for granted. It's a miraculous and blessed thing."

♥ "... please don't cry anymore. I know that happy things... and fun things.. eventually come to an end. But things that are scary and sad... come to an end too. They always do. Even if you can't always believe that... please don't give up. Live. I want you to live. Even if you make a mistake, even if you take the long way, it's still okay... Just please... please live. Don't give up on pushing forward. Please. At least don't give up on that. Even if I'm not... by your side."

♥ Often times in memory, we have the tendency to overly romanticize the people we care about.

♥ Humans may be fragile creatures, but they're not weak to the extent to being crushed by their painful memories even after they meet with something unfortunate. We're far more resilient that that. Everything will be alright.

♥ "Don't worry, Kanade. What a person has actually gone through is unexpectedly different from what he remembers. Even though that gap may leave him feeling sad sometimes... Even the most vivdly clear memory... will change with time eventually."

♥ "Humans are amazing. Even though they may not see something physically... They'll still sense it. Everything else is the same. If you work hard, others will know that you work hard. If you don't work hard, others will know that you don't work hard."

♥ "Someday... You'll find someone who'll know all your good and bad points... And who'll still love you all the same."

♥ If... There was ever a Land of the Blindfolded, will the people of that land... Understand what it's like to have your blindfold come undone? Even if... Most people will never understand us... There might just be... Someone who can do that. It isn't easy to understand people's feelings... But that doesn't mean... That you're alone.

♥ It is not violence that best overcomes hate — nor vengeance that most certainly heals injury.

♥ The real courage is living and suffering for what you believe.

♥ “If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. but the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. i'll always be with you.”

♥ Do not pity the dead, Harry, pity the living. Above all pity those who live without love.

♥ 每一段记忆，都有一个密码。只要时间，地点，人物组合正确，无论尘封多久，那人那景都将在遗忘中重新拾起。你也许会说“不是都过去了吗？”其实过去的只是时间，你依然逃不出，想起了就微笑或悲伤的宿命，那种宿命本叫“无能为力”。

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